Does anyone else feel like they have problems connecting with people ?

[Michi]

Coming from a BPD mother. I always felt like I can't connect to people. While I think im sympathetic person. I don't think I've acutally ever put my self in someone else's shoes. Anytime I've had deep convos with friends I would just see how I can understand them from my own personal issues. I'm also 25 years old and never has a bf before. I hate dating, I get extremely shy and my mind goes blank and I then begin to talk about my whole life story. I also have 3 guys that I call my very good friends. I used to think I didn't go persuing guys and dating because my guy friends sort of fufilled me emotionally but now I think it can be from childhood emotional abuse. I also have no urge to be sexually active. I used to make a joke saying I'm A-sexual but now I don't think its so funny. I'm afraid I'll end up forever alone.

[charred]

Coming from a BPD mother. I always felt like I can't connect to people. While I think im sympathetic person. I don't think I've acutally ever put my self in someone else's shoes. Anytime I've had deep convos with friends I would just see how I can understand them from my own personal issues. I'm also 25 years old and never has a bf before. I hate dating, I get extremely shy and my mind goes blank and I then begin to talk about my whole life story. I also have 3 guys that I call my very good friends. I used to think I didn't go persuing guys and dating because my guy friends sort of fufilled me emotionally but now I think it can be from childhood emotional abuse. I also have no urge to be sexually active. I used to make a joke saying I'm A-sexual but now I don't think its so funny. I'm afraid I'll end up forever alone.

I don't feel like I connect often at all. As a kid I had a lot of friends, but parents moved over and over, and after 3-4 times, I quit putting out much effort. My waif BPD mother... is horrible with little kids, she lost her mother when she was 5, and raised her younger sisters and it clearly traumatized her. For a long time I didn't feel sympathy for most people, felt detached... and like I had to keep people at a distance. Had some testing (my exBPDgf claimed I was NPD... but tests ... well only half normal level of N)... thought I was normal, then ADHD, then some attachment issue... .and SPD seems to fit best... schizoid... don't get close to people much.

Was married, divorced, was in a horrible BPD r/s that ended badly few years ago... and left me seeing a T for PTSD.

Suspect a lot of people feel same as you... .you are not alone.

[Turkish]

In not quite the same way, I've found over the years that I've done my own version of splitting. That is, people I've been very good friends with I just let the relationships drop cold turkey. It took me a while to realize that, and I don't like it. I do, however, have long term friendships with a few key people I've known since childhood.

One other weird thing is that I don't miss people, even good friends I've known a long time. The other day, I did kind of a co-dependent rescue of a woman I've known for 30 years. Somewhere between a little sister and a friend. We sat by the ocean for a few hours, my arm around her (she initiated it) in more than a brotherly way. I gave her a chaste kiss goodbye. She told me several times that she missed me. I didn't say it back because I don't, despite not having seen her in two years or more (she's dBPD, I recently learned). I've thought about her now and then, hard not to since I see her on FB, but I don't miss her. Or anybody. I've been a nomad, mostly in California, but for 3 years in another state when I basically left  without saying goodbye to a great many people,.and it hurt them.

Maybe I picked up    from my BPD mom, and maybe some of it is early attachment issues, because I went from my birth parents, to my birth grandparents, to foster care, to my mom by the time I was 2.4. I always attached to people quickly, but I also detached from them just as so. I don't know how to fix it, or even if it needs fixing. It took me into my mid 30s to get over most of my social anxiety issues. Then I met uBPDx, who once called me a social butterfly  

charred, I once self diagnosed myself as being schizoid. I don't think I am now, but I think I was for many years. I'm doing well now, but in a way it was also career-limiting. It certainly was romantic relationship limiting.

[HappyChappy]

I always felt like I can't connect to people... .I used to make a joke saying I'm A-sexual but now I don't think its so funny.

Michi Your situation does sound very familiar and frustrating. But on the positive side, very resolvable. BPD people tend to isolate us and put us against each other (triangulation, gas lighting etc... .) this can naturally lead to a miss trust of others. I say this as probably the only person in my family that broke through this isolation. As the scapegoat, my friends tended to be a bit rebellious like me. Whereas my BPD simply scared the living daylights out of any visitors (hence no one ever visited more than once) my friends weren’t easily scared so stood by me regardless of the negative family connections. I learnt empathy and love an loyalty from my friends, not my BPD. But my siblings have never had a close friend, that I know of. My dad’s close friends were always prevented form visiting for some reason or other. My BPD was very clever in her excuses for why we could not spend time with people outside the family. A lack of sex drive can be a function of intimacy issues, or low self esteem or indeed a host of other things. But this is all conjecture, and time with a qualified therapist would probably explain how this all effects you. But in summary, sound about right, meaning that it’s all resolvable. Many married people on this forum, relate to your issues, yet they've found some. You're young so plenty of time to find someone. I don't think you'll end up alone unless you want to. Just need a good therapist/book/friend. You're only 25 - loads of time to sort this out.  

[Michi]

Ive actually made an appointment for tomorrow to see a psychotherapist that specializes in BPD.  Well see how it goes. Thanks everyone for the suppport and sharing your stories!

[Trollvaaken]

Michi, I feel you. I did that whole asexual bit and even once claimed I was 'confused' about my sexuality just to justify my lack of experience. On a few occasions my uBPD mom confronted me about my sexuality because I wasn't experimenting like my peers. She even once told me that I was probably 'too cold' to feel love. How can I open my heart if since I was a child I had been told to never trust men since they were only out to use you and then dump you?

Anyway, I have a boyfriend now, but I met him in very particular circumstances which I think helped me out.

In terms of connecting with people, I have a hard time and so does my eldest sister. We hate small talk, have very specific interests and just can't seem to connect. I was never rejected at school, I isolated myself. This might have to do with having a BPD mom, I don't know. I've felt loneliness very often though and still do.

In not quite the same way, I've found over the years that I've done my own version of splitting. That is, people I've been very good friends with I just let the relationships drop cold turkey. It took me a while to realize that, and I don't like it. I do, however, have long term friendships with a few key people I've known since childhood.

One other weird thing is that I don't miss people, even good friends I've known a long time. The other day, I did kind of a co-dependent rescue of a woman I've known for 30 years. Somewhere between a little sister and a friend. We sat by the ocean for a few hours, my arm around her (she initiated it) in more than a brotherly way. I gave her a chaste kiss goodbye. She told me several times that she missed me. I didn't say it back because I don't, despite not having seen her in two years or more (she's dBPD, I recently learned). I've thought about her now and then, hard not to since I see her on FB, but I don't miss her. Or anybody. I've been a nomad, mostly in California, but for 3 years in another state when I basically left  without saying goodbye to a great many people,.and it hurt them.

Wow... .I am always amazed by how many people with similar life experiences I find on this board. I didn't know suddenly cutting contact with someone I have been very good friends with counts as splitting. I have done this on at least 3 occasions. I usually did it when I thought the person was becoming invasive as if I owed them something. In one case, I managed to redefine the friendship and we are better than ever; in another case, I still feel guilty about it and in the 3rd case, I don't really care.

I also don't miss people, at least, very rarely. In fact, I try to avoid close friendships, maybe it is because I have a hard time setting boundaries, but I always find that my friendships start out super intense and then I feel trapped within them and then try to avoid my friends. I have moved 10 times in the last 6 years for different reasons, but I would be lying if I didn't say that on many of those occasions it was because I wanted to be far away either from my mother or my friends.