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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Just passing through on my way to leaving  (Read 1342 times)
Ripped Heart
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« on: February 04, 2015, 11:24:46 AM »

The past couple of weeks I've had a lot of time to reflect and also make progress in detaching from the roller coaster which is my relationship right now.

Things are no different in the world of push/pull from BPDgf's perspective but very different from mine. I've found a balance and happy with where I am without keep being pulled from one side to the other.

I've remained LC with BPDgf and had contact with her when she has instigated it. There have been some very wise words and advice given to me on this site which has helped me to reflect and decide what it is that I want. I know that what I want isn't within the realms of BPDgf, it's just not possible and to keep holding on to a false hope is only causing pain.

I'm no longer allowing myself to be drawn into the drama and crisis, there have been a few of them this week and I've been empathetic to her struggles but I'm the one who has kept my boundaries in what I allow and what I don't.

Today just brought everything home. Spoke to her yesterday afternoon, seems she is really struggling right now. Involved in a bad crowd and drinking. A few weeks ago I would definitely have been spinning my wheels in how I could possibly help her and "rescue" her. She wants to be rescued because of the phone calls I get to tell me all about her struggles. Now I see it for what it is, it must be hard for her, it must be painful but it's also the decisions she has made. I'm not accountable for them and whilst I can listen to her talk about them and be empathetic to her situation, I'm starting to lack the sympathy.

Last night, she didn't want to make any contact because she was feeling better about herself so everything else didn't matter. Here's the thing, when she called yesterday, I didn't answer straight away because I was in the middle of a stomach bug. My colleague answered when she called back and told her the situation. Was she concerned? Not at all, so in the middle of hanging over a toilet bowl I listened to how horrible her life was right now and not a single mention about me being ill. Last night, I got texts and emails from people at work that I hardly know asking if I was ok but nothing from BPDgf because she no longer felt bad about herself.

Today, I had an important exam and I did get a text from her to wish me luck. Only that wasn't the case because when I responded to thank her, that's when she tried to offload another crisis on me. Although she paid all her bills in January on her own. February is a very different story, bills have failed, she now has bank charges and doesn't know where to get the money to sort it all out so it's now become a major crisis that she needed me to know about, right before I walked in to sit my exam.

My response to it was to tell her I'm just about to sit an exam, it's 3 hours long and I should be home around 4pm. I didn't want to discuss anything with her, felt I was very clear, switched my phone off and left it outside the exam room, did my exam and went home. She called again because life is horrible, she doesn't know what she is going to do about her bills etc... and then she follows it up with that she is going to the movies and out for dinner with friends tonight. She is going out for dinner on her birthday with all her "friends" on Friday too. That one did upset me a little because after everything, it's not like I got an invite and I'm apparently her "best friend" Instead, she wants to go out for dinner with me tomorrow night which I've agreed to. What I will be doing tomorrow is returning all of her stuff, it's already boxed and in the car. I'm making sure there is nothing in my house that gives her an excuse to contact me.

I just see a very sad ride ahead and I think the only reason I'm still around is not because I did something to be painted black, but because I have the stability, safety and security that she craves and I'm just seen as a fallback plan for when everything explodes. The only problem is that I'm not going to be there in the same capacity I once was. I will listen and I can be empathetic right now but as I move on, those ties are gradually going to be cut too.

I've noticed that the more I begin to back away or become indifferent, the more she contacts me and the friendlier she is. Sadly, I'm not playing the game any more and I would say that although there is some degree of emotional attachment there from me, it's gradually diminishing.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2015, 03:55:20 PM »

She called back again tonight, seems she walked out on her friends and went home so rang me on her way back to complain about them. I guess they went out for dinner and expected her to pay for herself 

Mid call, she just exploded in abuse in a road rage incident after someone honked their horn when she cut them up. It was quite scary because I've only ever seen her that angry once before, she becomes a very different person.

Finally, she wanted to complain about her friend who she is going on vacation with. Apparently her friend is asking for the money for the vacation having paid the deposit for both of them. I knew BPDgf was never going to be able to afford it in the first place, even more so after her conversation earlier around bank charges. Her car insurance failed this month and she is still driving around. Her complaint was that her friend pressured her into it but I know that's not true, her friend asked and she agreed.

Tonight she seemed to paint everybody black and that was her reason for calling me back because they tried to hold her accountable for her own things and get her to take responsibility.

If I picked up anything from tonight, it's to keep my distance right now because she really is heading for a major downfall. It's really sad to watch and it's very difficult knowing that it's coming but this time I have to let it happen because the only way it's going to help her is for her to crash. I've set my boundary around paying out for her and I'm not doing it any more. I'm taking her out tomorrow evening for a meal as it's her birthday on Friday and I've got her a card too but what I had planned as her gift, I'm not even doing that.
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Waddams
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« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2015, 04:11:08 PM »

It's really hard to watch someone you care about run their life straight into the toilet.  At the same time, I also can understand the feelings changing so there's no sympathy, and even a feeling of getting really sick of them, as they continually shoot themselves in the foot.  At some point, you just want to yell at them "what did you think was gonna happen?"

Someone that is determined to sabotage themselves is going to succeed.  All we can do is ensure they can't take us down with them.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2015, 04:39:29 PM »

Exactly Waddams  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I realised after some of the comments to a previous post of mine, that by doing what I have been, I'm only delaying the inevitable at a heavy financial and emotional cost to myself and I can't allow myself to do that anymore.

The hard part for me is navigating around the suicidal outbursts she has because regardless of how much distance I keep, that does have an affect and impact on me. They usually come around trigger points and I know one will be coming up next week so it does put me on edge a little going in to next week.

Still, I've got a lot of plans myself for next week which I'm sticking to.

I do hold out some hope because a few years ago she crashed and burned in a major way to the point where it prompted her to seek professional help. That's where she was diagnosed with BPD and became quite self aware of her own actions and behaviours. That's what's difficult with all of this because she does take responsibility for things, she doesn't tend to project as much as many others do but by taking responsibility, she goes through a downward spiral and then the behaviours start to get erratic.

As to whether I cut all ties or simply try and maintain some kind of friendship without the emotional attachment, I don't know yet. Right now, I'm being supportive, I listen to her issues and trying not to get involved on a financial or emotional basis. I'm being empathetic and validating her feelings, using the tools from the board but at the same time no longer approaching this as a relationship because it has to follow the path her actions are taking her. I've spent the past several months jumping in to save her and it's made no difference on the outcome. She knows she is self destructive, she cries on the phone that she doesn't mean to be and can't control it but at the same time continues that path and makes no effort to make the changes mentally.

She is trying to mirror what I'm doing to improve myself, possibly believing that what works for me will work for her. Friends are letting her down and cancelling plans which is angering her. My friends sometimes change plans but that's part of life, I sometimes have to change plans too and my friends are equally as understanding. It's those kinds of concepts BPDgf doesn't quite understand. A mirror is only a reflection, it can't mirror what goes on internally and that's why she needs to do more than just try and copy me. She won't do that and there is nothing I can do or say to change that so I have to accept it. I know that in the next couple of months something major is going to happen and I just have to accept that. Will I still be there to support her when it does, I really don't know right now but what I do know is that there is big difference to how I used to support her to how I will support her if I am around when it does.
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Matt8888

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« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2015, 08:54:17 PM »

Don't try to save her.  I was dumb and tried to do that.  I only got used.  Paying all her rent and bills.  It's never enough.  They are a black hole of needs that can never be filled.  As soon as you think one crisis is over, something else invariably comes up.

I know it's hard to detach, but don't let yourself get sucked back into her chaos.  It never improves.  Never.
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icom
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« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2015, 10:41:01 PM »

  It never improves.  Never.

It doesn't improve.

Life is far too short to deal with crazy.

Drop her like a rock.
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2015, 10:58:17 PM »

Sounds like my old xBPDgf, who went from crisis to crisis. She used those crisis to test to see who would come to her rescue with money and time. I fell for it the first time so I loaned her 25,000$ to help her finish the remodeling of her house. I was the soulmate in her eyes, then right after that, she wanted a $15,000 diamond ring for no reasons (other as proof of my love to her). Of course, I dodged the issues and after 3 consecutive weeks of harassing me for the ring and me saying NO, she began to feel cold toward me.

I stayed around for another 3 months until the house is completed and she came up with the money to pay me back .  She continued to have sex with me and yet at the same time she was on the search for my replacement.  It was a bizarre lesson for me about BPD.

So glad I found the light and took off

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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2015, 05:56:16 AM »

I was quite surprised to get a call from BPDgf so early in the morning today. Usually, she doesn't even make it out of bed before noon (though she is still in bed right now and watching tv)

Today's topics of conversation:

D18 is looking at going to New York in the next couple of weeks on her own. BPDgf is a little concerned (as any parent would be) However, since my sister lives out there and we have an apartment out there. Would I be willing to give her a place to stay and ask my sis if she is around incase her d18 runs into any difficulties.

Very reasonable request and very sensible so I have no issue with doing this for her. It's not set yet whether her d18 is going but I'm happy to accommodate that if she does decide to.

Conversation then turned slightly. Given her concerns about her d18, another idea would be for her to go with her, at least that way she can make sure she is safe. But one small problem, she has no money, bills all failed this month so she's wondering where she could possibly raise the money to pay for a ticket to go  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I am soo sorry, I heard that one coming long before she opened her mouth  Smiling (click to insert in post). Instead of offering her the money for a ticket, I suggested that if it made her feel better, I have plenty of leave to take this year, so I would be happy to fly out there. I know the city, me and d18 get on really well but she doesn't really know my sister. That way she can do her own thing but should she run in to trouble, at least there is someone close by who she does know and will be able to look out for her. Cruel, I know but I just felt this morning that if she was going to try and manipulate a vacation out of me, I would turn the tables on my response. Also genuine because I would do that for her d18 but my boundary is up in giving her money for anything else now. It killed that conversation dead.

Next topic, she now has no gas, electricity, car insurance, internet or TV. For those who read my earlier posts, exactly a month ago, she had no problems in letting me know that she was on top of all her bills and they had all been paid out. She felt great because up until then, I'd been the one taking care of her finances for her because it's not something she can really do by herself. Although I helped a little with her gas and electricity last month, paid all her bills in Nov, Dec including the car insurance, this has been the first month she's really had to do it herself and she is already in a mess. But still more than happy to be going on vacation in April, having paid nothing towards it and leaving all of that to her friend.

OnceConfused, I took a different tact to you last year although very similar circumstances. I bought her a car, paid all her bills, gave her the money for her kids christmas presents, gave her the money for her d18's birthday presents and although she did say she would pay me back for the car and the gifts, I knew she wasn't capable of doing that so I gifted them to her. The reason being, given that the r/s kept ending and restarting, the last thing I wanted or needed was the money being used as a hook to draw me back in. At least being upfront about not wanting any of it back, it was a lot of money to write off in one regard but I knew that if she walked, every time she wanted to re-engage she would bring that up. Point was proved in Jan after I ended the r/s and after 4 days NC she was back and bringing up the money for the car as the reason to re-engage.

She also mentioned on the phone that she has a gift for me that's she's bringing to dinner tonight. This is a Christmas gift she forgot to give me so I'm doubtful she will "remember" because that's been used a couple of times as a hook too. Just last week when she felt I was distancing myself, she brought it up. I have all of her things packed in a box as a gift for her tonight, don't think that is going to go down well at all. Again, I don't want something that can be used as a hook by her telling me we have to stay in touch because I have some of her things.

In all, it was quite an amusing conversation today because I'm starting to see the craziness for what it is so I must be detaching from it.
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OnceConfused
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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2015, 10:17:29 AM »

Rippedheart:

I love it. Your mind is lucid and your strategy is impeccable. you maintain a caring, kindness attitude toward her but yet firm and resolved in your direction.

You are right, she brought up her d18, the car as a subtle way to elicit more money from you. She wants to bring out the rescuer in you. And you resisted and deflected well.

Your BPDgf again sounds like my old xBPDgf. this woman makes about 100K a year, divorced with 1 kid , and could not keep her money in the bank. One of the rooms in her basement was filled with about 100 linear foot of clothing she bought. Every guys she has ever dated were solicited (with hints and sob stories) for doing some free works or upgrades to her house. One guy put in free insulation and redo the house with expensive electrical switches. One guy put in a concrete patio for her and new roof. I had to loan her 25K to finish the remodeling the other guy left behind (as the house was wrapped in tyvek for over 3 months). The carpet guy came in and right at the end she yanked the check back , threatened to call the policy for sexual stuffs - he took off and she got the carpet for free.

I told the xBPDgf that I inherited the 401k from my late wife and that I would like to leave that to my children. She screamed on the phone, telling me that I was an old man, I was very sick and she had to take care of me and I would leave her high and dry.  Later on, I found out that she had talked to a old bf who was a lawyer about my inheritance money and the potential pre-nups and how to deal with it. WOW.

It is crazy with BPD, isn't it? I am glad that I am no longer in that game.
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cloudten
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2015, 03:51:57 PM »

Yes, beware of the "gift"! "I have something for you"

In the last case, it was the teeniest tinest bit of wine left in a bottle I left at his house. No joke. I had bought the bottle myself, and left it there because I figured I would be back. It wasn't even a full glass worth of wine. (He "forgot" to grab my phone charger which I had genuinely forgotten)

Gifts and money and anything that they "owe" you... .its all a ploy. Anytime he "has" something for me... .it is not a little blue box from Tiffany or a dozen roses... .its usually something that was already mine that I left at his house... .or something that is his that he wants me to have to remember him by. BS buddy- you gave me PLENTY to remember you by- panic attacks, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, insecurity. Don't worry buddy, I got it all- you didn't miss a single thing.
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Ripped Heart
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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2015, 05:30:24 PM »

Just got back from taking her out. To be honest, it was a pleasant night and as predicted she "forgot" the gift but I remembered to take her things.

Tonight I didn't chase, I didn't bring up the relationship or feelings, we chatted, we shopped, we went for dinner. I bought her a new handbag (it was her birthday so that was a birthday gift for her) she grabbed on to my arm a few times and asked if it was ok to give me a kiss but I didn't play in to any of that. Why? Because I didn't feel it tonight with her, it just felt like it would if I was out for lunch with someone from work.

She asked about work and what I'd been up to lately, if I was doing anything and I was truthful with her. Told her that the weekend after next, I'm in Prague, have plans to be in Vegas for a week in March, that I'm going to be spending a few days in Spain, Portugal and Italy over the next couple of months for work and when I'm not having free trips abroad, have a few weekends a way lined up. That seriously caught her off guard and she wanted to know if she was allowed to go with me?

She then started talking like we were still in a relationship, that she was getting excited about being able to take my daughters out shopping and doing things with them. How she has no plans at all for the next couple of months aside from her birthday tomorrow and was even considering cancelling those plans. I think my body language and words tonight were very neutral and she was definitely starting to see if she could pull me in.

I've already had 2 calls from her after I got home, no mention of her things but I think that might be the trigger. Believe it or not, one of the calls was to ask me if I saw her waving at me as I left  Smiling (click to insert in post) She wants to call me tomorrow and even make a joke about sending me drunk texts tomorrow night. I reminded her that I hadn't had any of those from her since last February so had no expectations anyway. The only thing that got me tonight was how beautiful she is because she really is stunning but I also know what is underneath the external appearance. I honestly felt tonight that if we didn't do anything again, it wouldn't really matter to me. Tonight, I was myself and the more I was myself, the more she attempted to draw close and maybe catch me off balance. It didn't happen because I know the second I do is the time that she backs away.

Tomorrow she is in for quite the shock too. I gave her a birthday card tonight which she wants to save an open tomorrow when out with her friends. Usually, the cards I've bought her, I write something special in them and I got the impression she wants to show that off tomorrow. Only, this time it's a very normal birthday card and I've only signed my name on the inside, not written anything special like I used to. I guess I just reached the point in push/pull where I decided not to play anymore and still continue to focus on my own health and well being and I think right now she is starting to feel the pressure of that now.
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sweetheart
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« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2015, 06:41:16 AM »

Wow I hope you can see how far you've come emotionally with all of this!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) 
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