My ex is dating several people online

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After my ex went from not wanting to be in a relationship with anybody to wanting to be in a relationship with somebody in less than a month, she quickly went exclusive with some POF guy; the relationship lasted maybe 10 days. He broke up with her due "distance problems" apparently. So now she's back saying she doesn't want a relationship again, and has been befriending guys off Tinder and POF like crazy since. She said she's currently seeing or planning on seeing 5 or 6 guys at the moment with a serval of other maybes. She's like addicted to men. She also said that every guy she sees doesn't like the fact that she's seeing/and or sleeping around. I tried explaining the key and lock analogy to her and she basically went quiet after that, and she usually has a comeback for everything. She's thinking of lying to them all saying she's not seeing anyone else so they won't be turned-off or whatever. She says she's just looking for friends and if it so happens to lead to sex, then so be it. She told me about one Tinder meet up she had last week. They did nothing but drive around really late at night and got something to eat. When he dropped her off home he went in for the kiss and she really didn't want to but did a quick peck on the lips anyway. Then went upstairs to wash her mouth out. I tell her to go meet some girls for a change, but she doesn't seem to ever want to.

[paperlung]

After my ex went from not wanting to be in a relationship with anybody to wanting to be in a relationship with somebody in less than a month, she quickly went exclusive with some POF guy; the relationship lasted maybe 10 days. He broke up with her due "distance problems" apparently. So now she's back saying she doesn't want a relationship again, and has been befriending guys off Tinder and POF like crazy since. She said she's currently seeing or planning on seeing 5 or 6 guys at the moment with a serval of other maybes. She's like addicted to men. She also said that every guy she sees doesn't like the fact that she's seeing/and or sleeping around. I tried explaining the key and lock analogy to her and she basically went quiet after that, and she usually has a comeback for everything. She's thinking of lying to them all saying she's not seeing anyone else so they won't be turned-off or whatever. She says she's just looking for friends and if it so happens to lead to sex, then so be it. She told me about one Tinder meet up she had last week. They did nothing but drive around really late at night and got something to eat. When he dropped her off home he went in for the kiss and she really didn't want to but did a quick peck on the lips anyway. Then went upstairs to wash her mouth out. I tell her to go meet some girls for a change, but she doesn't seem to ever want to.

[myself]

Why do you (feel the need to) know so much about who your ex is/isn't with, how sexual, etc? One reason many of us are NC is because we DON'T want to know that stuff. To move on from the r/s. To focus on ourselves.

[.cup.car]

She also said that every guy she sees doesn't like the fact that she's seeing/and or sleeping around. I tried explaining the key and lock analogy to her and she basically went quiet after that.

It's sad that you have to explain why sleeping around is bad to a grown adult.

[ChadP]

Sorry but I stereo type everyone on Tinder with BPD.

[HappyNihilist]

I tried explaining the key and lock analogy to her and she basically went quiet after that

That's a pretty sexist analogy -- one that enforces the double standard of men being able to sleep around but not women. I personally don't blame her for not responding.

Why do you (feel the need to) know so much about who your ex is/isn't with, how sexual, etc? One reason many of us are NC is because we DON'T want to know that stuff. To move on from the r/s. To focus on ourselves.

^ This.

Why is it important to you to keep up with the details of your exgf's sexual relationships?

Why are you still trying to give her life advice?

[billypilgrim]

She also said that every guy she sees doesn't like the fact that she's seeing/and or sleeping around. I tried explaining the key and lock analogy to her and she basically went quiet after that.

It's sad that you have to explain why sleeping around is bad to a grown adult.

Yes, yes it is.  Mine would say things like "I am just a sexual person."  or "They were always my friends, it's not like they were strangers."  Well, I don't go around boinking all of my friends. 

[paperlung]

I tried explaining the key and lock analogy to her and she basically went quiet after that

That's a pretty sexist analogy -- one that enforces the double standard of men being able to sleep around but not women. I personally don't blame her for not responding.

Why do you (feel the need to) know so much about who your ex is/isn't with, how sexual, etc? One reason many of us are NC is because we DON'T want to know that stuff. To move on from the r/s. To focus on ourselves.

^ This.

Why is it important to you to keep up with the details of your exgf's sexual relationships?

Why are you still trying to give her life advice?

I'm aware of the double standard. I was just trying to give her a possible reason as to why so many men may feel put off by a women who is sleeping with multiple men. That and the biological instinct of how the man is supposed to spread his seed while the women is supposed to selectively choose a partner to mate with. Again, I know of the double standard. She can if she wants, just be safe about it. She's very a lost, depressed soul at the moment. No one knows how she truly feels inside except for a couple of people (me being one of them).

[drummerboy]

I'm confused, why do you give a toss what she is doing with her life if she is your ex? Sounds like you are still attached and still in some sort of r/s with her. Are you waiting around until she "sees the light" and comes back to you because she thinks you're her knight in shining armour? If you are still in the picture but she is seeing other guys she is just using you but you can make the decision to cut off all contact with her, it's your call

[Mr.Downtrodden]

I have no qualms about a woman sleeping with other men IF the relationship is openly explained honestly from the start, and a FWB type deal.

I do have a huge problem with supposedly being the "one" , a boyfriend who she loves as her one and only, but then goes around doing as she pleases.

My ex, when exposed, actually said to me, becasue we did not live together yet and were 150 miles from each other:

"The way I see it, I'm here, and you're up there, so... ."

and

"I'll bet you anything that your other ex girlfriends were not faithful... "

DING! rang the BPD bell.

Class dismissed.

[Mike-X]

Feeling obligated to protect an ex with BPD seems common. But why do you feel obligated? What are you getting out of being in that role? Were you the protector in the relationship? Can you really be the protector now that you are separated?

[Suzn]

No one knows how she truly feels inside except for a couple of people (me being one of them).

Is this different from... .

"buying her sob stories and trying to rescue her"? <~~ I got this from what you said in your other thread.

[paperlung]

No one knows how she truly feels inside except for a couple of people (me being one of them).

Is this different from... .

"buying her sob stories and trying to rescue her"? <~~ I got this from what you said in your other thread.

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean?

The truth is, my ex is really messed up. She can get very dark sometimes, has no self-esteem, thinks she is going to die young, has thoughts of dying, has an eating disorder, depression, no family support, a messed up sleeping schedule. She hides all of this stuff from the new guys. Obviously doesn't want to scare them away. All she has is her looks, which she uses to get what she wants.

She told me herself she loves her men and has a wandering eye. She has cheated more than once before. It's just that she easily gets distracted with guys and then loses her clarity. The clarity of needing to get help.

[icom]

No one knows how she truly feels inside except for a couple of people (me being one of them).

Is this different from... .

"buying her sob stories and trying to rescue her"? <~~ I got this from what you said in your other thread.

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean?

The truth is, my ex is really messed up. She can get very dark sometimes, has no self-esteem, thinks she is going to die young, has thoughts of dying, has an eating disorder, depression, no family support, a messed up sleeping schedule. She hides all of this stuff from the new guys. Obviously doesn't want to scare them away. All she has is her looks, which she uses to get what she wants.

She told me herself she loves her men and has a wandering eye. She has cheated more than once before. It's just that she easily gets distracted with guys and then loses her clarity. The clarity of needing to get help.

... .yes, but what do her problems have to do with you? 

[HappyNihilist]

No one knows how she truly feels inside except for a couple of people (me being one of them) her.

This is the truth of the matter. You may understand her disorder, you may know her incredibly well... .but that doesn't mean you know her exact feelings and reality.

You are very focused on her, her life, and her problems instead of on yourself. You've been through the wringer... .you deserve, and need, this time to heal. What are you gaining by remaining focused on her drama?

It seems like it's important to you that your exgf needs you in some way - for support, for advice, for guidance, etc. Would you say this is accurate, or no?

What is playing this role of protector fulfilling for you?

[paperlung]

I'd just like to say that the title of my thread was edited. What it says now makes it sound like I'm bothered/jealous by this, which isn't true.

No one knows how she truly feels inside except for a couple of people (me being one of them) her.

This is the truth of the matter. You may understand her disorder, you may know her incredibly well... .but that doesn't mean you know her exact feelings and reality.

She was reading me things she wrote down on certain days, like how she was feeling at the moment. It was dark and disturbing.

You are very focused on her, her life, and her problems instead of on yourself. You've been through the wringer... .you deserve, and need, this time to heal. What are you gaining by remaining focused on her drama?

I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

It seems like it's important to you that your exgf needs you in some way - for support, for advice, for guidance, etc. Would you say this is accurate, or no?

What is playing this role of protector fulfilling for you?

Yeah, it's accurate. Like I said, I don't know exactly why. Maybe I just like the feeling of being needed by someone who needs it. I guess you could say I have a savior complex.

[paperlung]

No one knows how she truly feels inside except for a couple of people (me being one of them).

Is this different from... .

"buying her sob stories and trying to rescue her"? <~~ I got this from what you said in your other thread.

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean?

The truth is, my ex is really messed up. She can get very dark sometimes, has no self-esteem, thinks she is going to die young, has thoughts of dying, has an eating disorder, depression, no family support, a messed up sleeping schedule. She hides all of this stuff from the new guys. Obviously doesn't want to scare them away. All she has is her looks, which she uses to get what she wants.

She told me herself she loves her men and has a wandering eye. She has cheated more than once before. It's just that she easily gets distracted with guys and then loses her clarity. The clarity of needing to get help.

... .yes, but what do her problems have to do with you?  

Nothing. But ever since I can remember, if other people I knew were having problems or weren't doing well, it would really affect me. Like make me sad and give me anxiety, ect.

[Suzn]

Paperlung I have been an enabler most of my life. It's only after seeking out my T and reading the lessons on these boards did I come to terms with why I was an enabler. I helped my ex by being that understanding person to her. It made me feel important. That came by way of hiding her behaviors. I hid her drinking, her suicidal threats and her rages because I thought she needed me to be understanding, no one else was from all she told me. Her "sob stories" sucked me in. I thought I was important to her. THAT was the payoff, I felt important. I wasn't. And it took a long time to see what I had been a part of. I helped her hide the very behaviours that could have gotten her help had I stepped aside and let her fall and get caught. Her actions are her responsibility and I stole her life lessons.

I understand how hard it is to not catch someone when we see them falling. If you want to remain in her life I would urge you to get yourself over to the staying board to talk with the stayers and work through the lessons on that board so that you can learn where to draw the line between support and enabling. This is very important as enabling can be dangerous for her and for you.

No one is going to judge your decision to stay in your exes life but if you are it is best to be fully aware of the skills needed, skills you will need to master to be in a responsible relationship. Whether that be platonic or not.

[paperlung]

Paperlung I have been an enabler most of my life. It's only after seeking out my T and reading the lessons on these boards did I come to terms with why I was an enabler. I helped my ex by being that understanding person to her. It made me feel important. That came by way of hiding her behaviors. I hid her drinking, her suicidal threats and her rages because I thought she needed me to be understanding, no one else was from all she told me. Her "sob stories" sucked me in. I thought I was important to her. THAT was the payoff, I felt important. I wasn't. And it took a long time to see what I had been a part of. I helped her hide the very behaviours that could have gotten her help had I stepped aside and let her fall and get caught. Her actions are her responsibility and I stole her life lessons.

I understand how hard it is to not catch someone when we see them falling. If you want to remain in her life I would urge you to get yourself over to the staying board to talk with the stayers and work through the lessons on that board so that you can learn where to draw the line between support and enabling. This is very important as enabling can be dangerous for her and for you.

No one is going to judge your decision to stay in your exes life but if you are it is best to be fully aware of the skills needed, skills you will need to master to be in a responsible relationship. Whether that be platonic or not.

I don't consider myself and enabler, though. All I do is is send her supportive replies when she tells me how she has to go to the doctor to get a referral to see a psych, or I tell her how glad/happy I am that she is finally acknowledging her problems.

[Suzn]

Fair enough. I would encourage anyone who planned to stay in their exBPD partner's life to read, study and practice the tools found here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206

I tell her to go meet some girls for a change, but she doesn't seem to ever want to.

You tell her how to fix it here, no? We see so clearly how to fix their situations. Don't we?

[myself]

All I do is is send her supportive replies when she tells me how she has to go to the doctor to get a referral to see a psych, or I tell her how glad/happy I am that she is finally acknowledging her problems.

You also write posts about your ex's dishonest and complicated 'love' life.

Is she following through with finding a new psych?

Or mostly with just finding other guys?

Is she acknowledging/facing her problems more than creating new ones?

Maybe I just like the feeling of being needed by someone who needs it.

She may well be in need. We all have needs. You too. Be there for yourself.

I guess you could say I have a savior complex.

Do you think you can save her from herself? She has to get to the point where she makes the choice for herself to change and then sticks with it.

Is she even asking you to be there for her like that, or is it a role you're creating for yourself to play so you don't really have to let her go yet?

[HappyNihilist]

Maybe I just like the feeling of being needed by someone who needs it.

She may well be in need. We all have needs. You too. Be there for yourself.

Your self is in need, paperlung. It needs healing, encouragement, support, and love. Direct your savior energy inwards.

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." -The Buddha

[blissful_camper]

I understand your desire to help.  I think many of us here do because we too tried to help our loved ones.  The thing is it's not our place to fix or rescue.  Only she can do that for herself.  If she doesn't want professional help, that's her choice.  She can choose to live her life as she wishes.

While I know it must hurt, there comes a time when that kind of dialog with her is, in itself, enabling.  You're playing into her "script." She is sucking you into her drama and you're allowing yourself to get sucked in. Giving her advice, cautioning her, all those well intentioned actions enables her to create drama and at the same time, have an audience to play with her. The members of that audience are all playing various parts in her "script." It is a dance, a disorder, and the best thing you can do *for her* is step out of her script.

You've suggested she seek help, and leave it there. It's not your job to follow up.  It must be pure torture to hear that she's seeking out men and I'm not clear on why you want to hear that from her. That was not something I wanted to know about my ex and when I eventually found out that he had quickly moved on it nearly destroyed me.  You're asking for a lot of grief, in my opinion, keeping tabs on her dating life.

Give yourself a gift: focus on you. That is the path to healing. It's rough sledding but well worth the journey.

[drummerboy]

This is such good advice blissful. Toward the end my ex even told me that me wanting to help was in fact just another form of enabling, just as you've posted. Support is one thing but enabling is quite another and we often confuse the two.

Your ex has her own path to travel now as do you. You both get to decide who you let into your life and who you are better off travelling without.

I understand your desire to help.  I think many of us here do because we too tried to help our loved ones.  The thing is it's not our place to fix or rescue.  Only she can do that for herself.  If she doesn't want professional help, that's her choice.  She can choose to live her life as she wishes.

While I know it must hurt, there comes a time when that kind of dialog with her is, in itself, enabling.  You're playing into her "script." She is sucking you into her drama and you're allowing yourself to get sucked in. Giving her advice, cautioning her, all those well intentioned actions enables her to create drama and at the same time, have an audience to play with her. The members of that audience are all playing various parts in her "script." It is a dance, a disorder, and the best thing you can do *for her* is step out of her script.

You've suggested she seek help, and leave it there. It's not your job to follow up.  It must be pure torture to hear that she's seeking out men and I'm not clear on why you want to hear that from her. That was not something I wanted to know about my ex and when I eventually found out that he had quickly moved on it nearly destroyed me.  You're asking for a lot of grief, in my opinion, keeping tabs on her dating life.

Give yourself a gift: focus on you. That is the path to healing. It's rough sledding but well worth the journey.

[paperlung]

I understand your desire to help.  I think many of us here do because we too tried to help our loved ones.  The thing is it's not our place to fix or rescue.  Only she can do that for herself.  If she doesn't want professional help, that's her choice.  She can choose to live her life as she wishes.

Oh, I'm not helping her anymore in the sense of finding her help. She can do that on her own. If she were to even ask me me to drive her to therapy or whatever I would just tell her to take a cab or something. I spent over a year of my life already trying to fix/rescue her myself.

While I know it must hurt, there comes a time when that kind of dialog with her is, in itself, enabling.  You're playing into her "script." She is sucking you into her drama and you're allowing yourself to get sucked in. Giving her advice, cautioning her, all those well intentioned actions enables her to create drama and at the same time, have an audience to play with her. The members of that audience are all playing various parts in her "script." It is a dance, a disorder, and the best thing you can do *for her* is step out of her script.

How so exactly?

You've suggested she seek help, and leave it there. It's not your job to follow up.  It must be pure torture to hear that she's seeking out men and I'm not clear on why you want to hear that from her. That was not something I wanted to know about my ex and when I eventually found out that he had quickly moved on it nearly destroyed me.  You're asking for a lot of grief, in my opinion, keeping tabs on her dating life.

Give yourself a gift: focus on you. That is the path to healing. It's rough sledding but well worth the journey.

Well, I never ask her about her current dating life. She just brings it up to me. I don't know why.

She considers me one of, if not the most important person in her life. At times I feel like her emotional tampon because I know she's not doing any complaining/talking about her mental health to these Tinder/POF guys. They have no idea of her dark side.

[BorisAcusio]

Well, I never ask her about her current dating life. She just brings it up to me. I don't know why.

She considers me one of, if not the most important person in her life. At times I feel like her emotional tampon because I know she's not doing any complaining/talking about her mental health to these Tinder/POF guys. They have no idea of her dark side.

From: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this.

We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.

If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

[paperlung]

All I do is is send her supportive replies when she tells me how she has to go to the doctor to get a referral to see a psych, or I tell her how glad/happy I am that she is finally acknowledging her problems.

You also write posts about your ex's dishonest and complicated 'love' life.

Is she following through with finding a new psych?

Or mostly with just finding other guys?

More so the guys, but she says she's going to. Her doctor is in on Wednesdays and Fridays, so she realistically could go today to get a referral... .or put it off until next week. Or just forget about it. All I know is she seems pretty tired of her current condition.

Is she acknowledging/facing her problems more than creating new ones?

Currently, she has acknowledged them. She has done so a handful of times in the past, but then she just seems lose that clarity. Usually from finding a new guy to idealize/love bomb.

Do you think you can save her from herself? She has to get to the point where she makes the choice for herself to change and then sticks with it.

Is she even asking you to be there for her like that, or is it a role you're creating for yourself to play so you don't really have to let her go yet?

No, I can't save her. And no, she has not asked for my help. I tried that already for over a year. All I'm doing at this point is applauding her acknowledgement to get help and give her words of encouragement. I have no intention of getting my hands dirty.

[Ripped Heart]

Paperlung, I know from some of your previous posts there have been some similarities with my own situation as well as how we have both dealt with the issue.

You mention in an earlier response about not being an enabler and whilst that may be true, there can sometimes be a fine line between supportive behaviour and enabling behaviour. There is nothing at all wrong with being supportive but you also have to take a step back sometimes and figure out the reasons this information is being shared with you.

Yesterday morning my BPDgf sent me a text to tell me her internet was off again and ask that because she couldn't get online, would I be able to have a look and see if there was a problem. Turns out there was as she hasn't managed to pay any of her bills this month and they cut her off.

In the past, I've felt bad for her predicament, been afraid to tell her of reasons things keep failing and instead, step in and fix her problem. Several months ago I would have paid off her bill for her because I knew it would get her down, cause her to stress and worry. I did that pattern many times and yesterday was a testament to the fact that no matter how many times I did it, she was never going to learn. That's not her problem, that's mine. I had many talks with her about managing her money better, even as far as drawing up a payment plan for her debts so she could clearly see what her outgoings were and how much she had disposable. It didn't matter to her at all, because regardless of what situation she ended up in, I was always on hand to sort it all out. I took on that responsibility and her stresses. So where I thought I was helping her, I was just prolonging the inevitable.

So yesterday, I did take a look for her (because that's being supportive) and I told her outright that her internet had been cut off and how much she had to pay. She doesn't have the money to do that (because she's been out partying with friends for the past week) and she broke down in tears. I was empathetic to her feelings but not sympathetic to her problem, because she has brought that on herself this month.

What followed next was texts about how she didn't know if she could cope because there are several important bills that need paying and she doesn't know which ones she should pay off first. Again, not my issue anymore but I gave her advice. I told her that she needed to look at what was coming up this month and what she felt was going to be more important. Was the internet more important than making sure her car was roadworthy? Was it more important than having no gas or electricity? Those were options for her to decide and I left that decision with her.

Last night she seemed really pleased with herself because she managed to find a way to sort it out. Turns out that the internet to her was far more important but that's her choice. Personally, I would have gone with the car because it was needed to get to work, then the gas and electricity because without those the internet won't work anyway and finally the internet being the least important. That's my choice but I didn't impose it on her, instead last night I let her know I was proud of the way she handled herself, how she was able to prioritise and that I was pleased she was able to sort out what she needed to do.

I learned a short time ago that if I tried to impose any kind of direction, such as what I felt was more important and things didn't go well for her, I was then held responsible for the way things turned out. It sounds like a fine line you are walking right now and I'm just concerned that at some point if it starts to go wrong for your ex, you might find yourself in too deep that you feel you have to step in and rescue her or that she paints you black for either being "supportive" or not supportive enough (as that can go both ways too)