Breaking NC for her Birthday?

[Terrychango]

I'm sure this has probably been asked about before.

My Ex's Birthday is coming up soon, I would like to send her a Birthday card but know I would be breaking NC.

I can't really decide what to do, any thoughts?

[ChadP]

Don't do it.

[CloseToFreedom]

Well you posted this on the detach forum. So I would say, don't do it. The less contact the better. Why would you do this?  She's out of your life.

Unless of course you want to get into contact with her or remind her that you are still thinking about her. In that case you can do it. But think about it: why would you want to? Not judging here, just telling you, you have to ask yourself these questions.

[BorisAcusio]

As others have said, examine your motives first.

Birthday is a way to give thanks to someone for being in your life. You may still love this person but she is no longer part of your life, and there is nothing to be thankful about the abuse you experienced.

[Deeno02]

Nope. Wouldnt do it.

[Targeted]

Nope. Wouldnt do it.

Agreed!

[Leaving]

As others have said, examine your motives first.

Birthday is a way to give thanks to someone for being in your life. You may still love this person but she is no longer part of your life, and there is nothing to be thankful about the abuse you experienced.

Boris, ( don't mean to hijack Terry's post) I just read your comment about a birthday being a way to give thanks to someone... .and your words really touched me this morning.  You see, this morning I've been feeling a bit melancholy because tomorrow is my birthday and I have been reminded of all the birthdays I never had with my BPD husband.  He never once made an effort to give me anything or plan anything special and in fact, he always put his own needs and pleasures first and would get mad at me for feeling sad and crying.  He would yell at me and say things like, " Not everyone is perfect like YOU.  YOU expect everyone to be like YOU. YOU just want to be like everyone else. YOU expect everyone to be perfect"  Year after year I learned to shut down more and more until finally I didn't even care and frankly, it was easier to avoid it since I alway  I felt embarrassed that it was my birthday.  I felt as though I was expecting too much by wanting someone to acknowledge it. I felt like it was selfish of me and that I was inconveniencing anyone who did and that when someone did, they only did so out of a sense of obligation and didn't really care about me.  

I thought about how stupid I was to always plan weeks in advance what I was going to do for my husband despite his years of neglecting me. Last year I didn't do much for him though.  I got him two small gifts relating to his work that I knew he would like but I didn't wrap them or anything. Despite that, he has continually accused me of purposefully not doing anything special for his 50th birthday.  Wow, it never occurred to me that I too had one of those until he mentioned how important it was to celebrate a 50th.  Mine was 4 years ago and there was not a single mention of that, nothing special and yet to this day, he reminds me how I didn't do anything for his big 5-0 despite all the other 19 years of doing it up in celebration of him.  Someone told me recently that my efforts exemplified good character but honestly, I feel like such a dysfunctional idiot.  I know I'm a thoughtful caring person who isn't seeking any personal glory in wanting to celebrate someone's special day.  I've always wanted to make others feel happy, worthy and special.  I guess that comes from me not feeling any of those things and knowing how painful that feels.  It also comes from my belief that everyone is special because G-d created them.

I remember the first time he had a birthday was just two weeks after we started dating.  I was working a lot of hours as a landscape designer but I wanted to do something special for him and I didn't have much money so I made him a wonderful seafood dinner and b-day cake served on my deck and even had a balloon on the chair, candles, decorations.  I'm not complaining but given my hectic work schedule, I had to drive all over G-d's creation between appointments to get what I needed in 100 degrees in a car with no A/C. I didn't mind at all.  I was happy to do it.  When he finally arrived at my house for his dinner and saw what I had done, he seemed very disappointed.  At the time, I didn't realize that his reaction was because of a pd.  I honestly, thought I had done something wrong, offended him or hurt him.  He never was happy with gifts, never thanked me. He was never grateful for anything I did for him and he never wanted to do anything for me from his heart.  If he ever did anything at all it was truly just because he felt obligated and didn't want to look like a schmuck husband to family and friends.  He would also keep score and make me pay dearly for anything he did for me.  If he put air in my tire then that meant I owed him so, imagine the hell I had to pay for him having to make an effort to go to the grocery to buy me a half dead bouquet of flowers.  My dear G-d, I've been indebted to this man for so many years and punished day after day with his underlying resentments for doing what any normal loving human being would want to do.  

Tomorrow, I will not celebrate my birthday but that's alright with me.  Really, it is.  I've reached a point where I know what I really want and I just need to make it happen. When I wake up on a sunny morning in my own house alone with my dog by my side.  That day will be my birthday and you can bet that I will celebrate it!  Maybe one day I'll be ready to welcome another man in my life who will want to thank me for being in his life.  

[Terrychango]

I'm Sorry that you have had so many birthday's that have not been Enjoyable for you Leaving, It is as Boris says to a degree.

I for one would like to Wish you happy Birthday!

With regards to sending her the card in some ways the motives behind are selfish:

1. I feel like I need to say goodbye

2. I feel like I should be the bigger person ( I would still like her too have a nice birthday in spite of what she did to me)

3. I liked her family and they liked me, I feel like her Mum would expect me to send a card

If she was too then start speaking too me in know way would I ever try to re-kindle the r/s, But I would still like her too find a place for me in her heart that isn't black, Maybe that is too much to ask for.

[JRT]

Even if your intent is to, somehow, save your relationship: do NOT break NC.

[Leaving]

I'm Sorry that you have had so many birthday's that have not been Enjoyable for you Leaving, It is as Boris says to a degree.

I for one would like to Wish you happy Birthday!

With regards to sending her the card in some ways the motives behind are selfish:

1. I feel like I need to say goodbye

2. I feel like I should be the bigger person ( I would still like her too have a nice birthday in spite of what she did to me)

3. I liked her family and they liked me, I feel like her Mum would expect me to send a card

If she was too then start speaking too me in know way would I ever try to re-kindle the r/s, But I would still like her too find a place for me in her heart that isn't black, Maybe that is too much to ask for.

I think you're feeling guilty for some reason. We all want to be caring respectful people and we also seek peaceful closure but I don't think it's important or necessary for you to acknowledge her b'day this year or ten years from now. Contact only stirs the pot and creates drama.  Even in the most normal relationship breakup, it's just not always appropriate. She needs to get on with her life and so do you.  Think of it this way:  if you really care about her, give her that chance.    Are you feeling like the bad guy and feeling like others think you are cruel and thoughtless?  Don't worry about what others think.  Seriously.

Being the bigger person is a mistake when dealing with N's and BPD's and I speak from experience. Again, you're trying to apply normal to an abnormal relationship. Keep things in a realistic perspective.  Both my brother and I were married to NBPDs and we always took the high road and ended up as road pavement. 

Thanks for the Happy Bday.

[JRT]

I'm Sorry that you have had so many birthday's that have not been Enjoyable for you Leaving, It is as Boris says to a degree.

I for one would like to Wish you happy Birthday!

With regards to sending her the card in some ways the motives behind are selfish:

1. I feel like I need to say goodbye

2. I feel like I should be the bigger person ( I would still like her too have a nice birthday in spite of what she did to me)

3. I liked her family and they liked me, I feel like her Mum would expect me to send a card

If she was too then start speaking too me in know way would I ever try to re-kindle the r/s, But I would still like her too find a place for me in her heart that isn't black, Maybe that is too much to ask for.

I think you're feeling guilty for some reason. We all want to be caring respectful people and we also seek peaceful closure but I don't think it's important or necessary for you to acknowledge her b'day this year or ten years from now. Contact only stirs the pot and creates drama.  Even in the most normal relationship breakup, it's just not always appropriate. She needs to get on with her life and so do you.  Think of it this way:  if you really care about her, give her that chance.    Are you feeling like the bad guy and feeling like others think you are cruel and thoughtless?  Don't worry about what others think.  Seriously.

Being the bigger person is a mistake when dealing with N's and BPD's and I speak from experience. Again, you're trying to apply normal to an abnormal relationship. Keep things in a realistic perspective.  Both my brother and I were married to NBPDs and we always took the high road and ended up as road pavement. 

Thanks for the Happy Bday.

I was just about to say... .If this were a non BPD person, I think that you would receive extra credit points for taking the high road. Even as such, it really shows you to be the good person that you are. With a pwBPD, it will have the opposite/perverse effect than the one that you intend. Sad but true.

[Turkish]

I'm Sorry that you have had so many birthday's that have not been Enjoyable for you Leaving, It is as Boris says to a degree.

I for one would like to Wish you happy Birthday!

With regards to sending her the card in some ways the motives behind are selfish:

1. I feel like I need to say goodbye

That's understandable. If you send it, are you ready for the fallout, which could be anything from temporarily being painted white, to no response (silent treatment), to devaluation or even rage?

2. I feel like I should be the bigger person ( I would still like her too have a nice birthday in spite of what she did to me)

It's good that you still care about her, but it sounds like you may still be stuck in the Caretaking role; that is, the desire to soothe her rather than soothing yourself. Take it another way: You may feel better about yourself, but it's in a way that's focused on someone else, rather than you valuing you.

3. I liked her family and they liked me, I feel like her Mum would expect me to send a card

How are you responsible for her Mum's feelings? It sounds like you like her Mum, but at this point, what is that relationship, really, other than in the past? My ex in-laws still love me, and my ex even tried to guilt me at one point, "My mom really loves you, you know," perhaps in response to me turning down repeated invitations for holiday dinners. My Ex is always there. I politely decline. I have a right to feel how I feel, and they have a right to feel how they feel. What I feel is my business, and how they feel is their business, and one is not dependent upon the other.

[Deeno02]

I'm Sorry that you have had so many birthday's that have not been Enjoyable for you Leaving, It is as Boris says to a degree.

I for one would like to Wish you happy Birthday!

With regards to sending her the card in some ways the motives behind are selfish:

1. I feel like I need to say goodbye

2. I feel like I should be the bigger person ( I would still like her too have a nice birthday in spite of what she did to me)

3. I liked her family and they liked me, I feel like her Mum would expect me to send a card

If she was too then start speaking too me in know way would I ever try to re-kindle the r/s, But I would still like her too find a place for me in her heart that isn't black, Maybe that is too much to ask for.

I tried once when I saw a pic of her and the new guy. I simply said glad your happy... good bye my love. Not the smartest thing I have done, but I thought we could at least act like adults. Nope. Got a text(surprised she still had my number) telling me to remove it, dont ever post stuff on her instagram account, if you have something to say, say it to her, your passive agressive... .well, you get the point. Expecting them to think and feel like we do is like peeing on an electric fence. Their responses are shocking. Immature, mean, spiteful. And this is the person you loved so much, still do. Just leave it be.

[Leaving]

I'm Sorry that you have had so many birthday's that have not been Enjoyable for you Leaving, It is as Boris says to a degree.

I for one would like to Wish you happy Birthday!

With regards to sending her the card in some ways the motives behind are selfish:

1. I feel like I need to say goodbye

2. I feel like I should be the bigger person ( I would still like her too have a nice birthday in spite of what she did to me)

3. I liked her family and they liked me, I feel like her Mum would expect me to send a card

If she was too then start speaking too me in know way would I ever try to re-kindle the r/s, But I would still like her too find a place for me in her heart that isn't black, Maybe that is too much to ask for.

I tried once when I saw a pic of her and the new guy. I simply said glad your happy... good bye my love. Not the smartest thing I have done, but I thought we could at least act like adults. Nope. Got a text(surprised she still had my number) telling me to remove it, dont ever post stuff on her instagram account, if you have something to say, say it to her, your passive agressive... .well, you get the point. Expecting them to think and feel like we do is like peeing on an electric fence. Their responses are shocking. Immature, mean, spiteful. And this is the person you loved so much, still do. Just leave it be.

Leave it be is a good choice.  Focus on creating your own happiness.   Nothing wrong with praying for her or wishing the best for her.  Thank goodness you're not full of spite and resentment.

[Leaving]

I'm Sorry that you have had so many birthday's that have not been Enjoyable for you Leaving, It is as Boris says to a degree.

I for one would like to Wish you happy Birthday!

With regards to sending her the card in some ways the motives behind are selfish:

1. I feel like I need to say goodbye

That's understandable. If you send it, are you ready for the fallout, which could be anything from temporarily being painted white, to no response (silent treatment), to devaluation or even rage?

2. I feel like I should be the bigger person ( I would still like her too have a nice birthday in spite of what she did to me)

It's good that you still care about her, but it sounds like you may still be stuck in the Caretaking role; that is, the desire to soothe her rather than soothing yourself. Take it another way: You may feel better about yourself, but it's in a way that's focused on someone else, rather than you valuing you.

3. I liked her family and they liked me, I feel like her Mum would expect me to send a card

How are you responsible for her Mum's feelings? It sounds like you like her Mum, but at this point, what is that relationship, really, other than in the past? My ex in-laws still love me, and my ex even tried to guilt me at one point, "My mom really loves you, you know," perhaps in response to me turning down repeated invitations for holiday dinners. My Ex is always there. I politely decline. I have a right to feel how I feel, and they have a right to feel how they feel. What I feel is my business, and how they feel is their business, and one is not dependent upon the other.

Turkish,

Re: ' Guilting'... .husband did the same thing to me but it definitely didn't have any effect on me.  My inlaws are just as cold and strange as my BPD husband ( maybe they are all BPD) and they only paid attention to me by buying me a Christmas present once a year. They never cared about me or my failing marriage, their son or their other children.  I quit going to family functions about two years ago and my husband, trying to guilt me, actually said  ' They treat you like a daughter and buy you a gift every Christmas!" and I thought, ' Wow, I'm glad that I'm not their real daughter if that's all they think being a parent is about'

[Infared]

Don't do it. With a pwBPD... you are just giving them power and they will smile an evil grin   because they know that they still have you on the hook.  So sad... .but so true.

[myself]

If you send one this year, will you send one next year? In ten years? Etc.

If you mostly need to say goodbye, just say goodbye. Or be done/stay NC.

Underneath, you'd be expecting a response. Which response, and why?

[Perdita]

I would just leave it if I were you.  Whatever closure you are looking for you are not likely to get it.  Mine had his birthday a week after we went NC.  I didn't send him well wishes.  He didn't deserve to be wished well by me and there was no way I was going to give him the satisfaction of getting a message from me.  He didn't appreciate me going all out on his birthday before.  If he didn't appreciate a 100% effort, then why would he be appreciative of a simple "happy birthday" message?  So glad that I let that day come and go.