Right now what has me the most worked up is my mother.

[hurthusband]

Right now what has me the most worked up is my mother.  She will use judges she knows and everything else to make my wife life a hell.  My mother has no right to interfere in my life kike thst. I came for emotional support.  This is everything thst my wife accuses my mother on and if my mother does this I will quit my job and I will sever contact with her which means I lose wife and mother.  My wife at least has the decency to allow me the choice to ruin my life

[SlyQQ]

I would hazard you are not thinking clearly at the moment it is no time to make a desicion of any kind!

[Grey Kitty]

Your mother sounds pretty difficult.

Does she make pronouncements like this regularly?

Does she stick with them when she does?

Your mom is NOT helping you with this kind of stunt.

That aside... .blocking your wife on your phone for a couple days sounds like a good idea for you anyway. (Even a broken clock is right twice a day )

Hang in there and try to take care of yourself.

 GK

[momtara]

HH this is terrible that the few people you have left are trying to threaten you.  Your mom has no right to threaten you any more than your wife does; however, you are kind of taking this as an excuse to do what your wife wants (quit your job etc.) and that is going to make things 10x worse.  Be smarter than that, as if you quit you can't help anyone.

We can see things that you can't right now.  First off, ignore your wife's texts.  :)o you really think she won't let you ever talk to the kids?  The kids eventually won't allow that.  She is texting you this nonsense because she knows she can get a reaction.  Therefore, you have to stop responding.  It's nonsense like you said.

Your mom also can't make your wife's life hell because she knows judges, unless your wife actually gets in front of a judge for some reason.  So you don't have to tell your mom every little thing right now.

What's the def of insanity?  :)oing the same thing over and over and expecting change.  And yet each post ends the same way - you are listening to wife's craziness.  What can you do right now that's different?

STOP RESPONDING TO your wife's crazy calls and texts for a day or two.  The worst that can happen is not as bad as what will happen if you keep listening.

If you quit your job you have NO source of income, NOTHING to take your mind off the situation and little hope of repairing it because you will be financially worse than you are now.

Maybe your mom is threatening you because she sees how you are not listening to any logical advice - I understand you love your wife and she is sick, but you are not helping her to keep giving in.

Deep inside your wife is BEGGING you to stop indulging her whims and do the sensible thing - so listen to the right thing and don't listen to her disease. 

DEEP INSIDE your wife NEEDS you to keep working, and stop buckling under so she can respect you.  Please stop listening to her disease and listen to the people here and the rational way to go.  Ultimately you have to make up your own mind but you really need a bit of time off from listening to this person.

And she is much worse than most of the cases on this board.  Much, much worse.  She keeps yanking you back into her spider web so she can bat you around some more.  

No one is saying to leave her or do anything else extreme.  Just stop getting hit over the head.

Just because you have two people yelling at you to do something (wife and mother) doesn't mean that you have to do it.  The strongest thing you can do right now is not respond to temptation to give in, as there will always be more hoops to jump through.  Instead, take a breath, do your job, stop answering wife's phone calls, and maybe go to the gym or, gasp, a movie.  Or keep working.

As for the 11K mistake - most people in the world are allowed to make mistakes without being beaten up over it.  It happens.  

You know what would be a bigger mistake?  If you quit altogether.  That would be a SIX FIGURE MISTAKE.  

Do you really want to be ob hunting with your wife and/or mother yelling at you - this job's not good enough, why are you interviewing when I'm home sick, yada yada - you can still look for a job while you have this one, but don't quit.  Please don't quit.  Getting a job of any kind is hard, particularly one that won't fire you while you're being harassed.

[hurthusband]

My mother sent threatening texts to my wife threatening basically to destroy her.

That is completely unhealthy and I made it VERY clear to my mother to never do that despite what was going on but she crossed that boundary.  I told her it would drive a wedge between us and she crossed that boundary

My wife i am not taking her calls nor texts now.  She has crossed a major boundary.  She claims now she never would deny me the kids and I am sure she is scared of my mother right now

How can i go back to a wife at this point who has pushed me and pushed me to this point like she has?"

How can i go in and work with somebody who has done this sort of thing and is obviously as unstable and unhealthy as my wife has also said?

Both of these people claim to love me and care, but both have put me in a terrible position.

Unfortunately, this will cost me my families and my career.

Im at work right now trying to tie up some loose ends. 

We all can see what my wife is.  The problem now is that I have the same thing with my mother who completely disregarded me.  Basically my wife could probably go file a restraining order based on what my mother sent.  Completely inexcusable.  I do not care if it was to protect me.  I made it perfectly clear that she should not.  So how do i now enforce that boundary with my mother?

Pardom my language but ___ both of them for disregarding me. ___ my wife for trying to control me to the point i have nothing and ___ my mother for crossing the ONE thing i forbade anyone to do which was to take my honor and dignity and not doing the one thing i asked which was to simply be a listener and kind.  I should have known this would happen.  This is exactly what my wife said would happen.  My mother gave her all teh ammo she could ever want.  My mother is doing this sort of thing with my sister's ex who is a horrible person, but my sister encourages it.  I do not...

[SlyQQ]

You unfortunately lost control of the situation apologies i know it is hard you are probably a wreck you need to take 5 gather yourself an make a plan then act desicevley BPD thrive on mayhem an it rules now you need to shut it down

[formflier]

 

I think it best you limit contact with both for a while.  Keep contact at work... .to work items with your mom.

It sounds like you are a professional... .so you should be able to pull this off.

Here is the thing... .your mom has the "right idea"... .she is going about it all wrong.

You wife has wrong ideas... .and is going about them the wrong way...

Please keep this in mind.

Don't be reactive... .

[formflier]

 

Remember... you don't control what you mom does... .you are not responsible for her actions.

You don't control what your wife does... .you are not responsible for her actions...

[momtara]

The fact that you are not responding is good.  You don't want to be involved in any restraining order stuff or give anyone ammo to suck you in.

You seem a little healthier in your last email.  :)ealing with people like these two can make your head spin.  So, don't respond or even (if you can help it) don't read the texts or listen to the voicemails.

Are you sure your mom sent your wife those texts?  :)id you see them?

"How can i go back to a wife at this point who has pushed me and pushed me to this point like she has?  How can i go in and work with somebody who has done this sort of thing and is obviously as unstable and unhealthy as my wife has also said?  Both of these people claim to love me and care, but both have put me in a terrible position."

You don't have to answer these questions now.  The answers will reveal themselves in time.  Focus on today:  :)o your job properly, relax after work or do something unrelated to your wife.  Challenge yourself to be calm and professional with your boundaries.  In time, she may beg you to come back, she may offer to bring you to her counselor, you never know what may happen.  In time, your mom may calm down and apologize.  It is not your responsibility.  I know you want all the answers right now, but if you push it, it will just feed their energy.  Let them spin and spin without you there to be blamed.  They will tire out.  And maybe when your wife realizes this abuse isn't working anymore, she'll try to do the right thing.

Your mom is probably fed up with how you can give in to your wife.  You often acknowledge you shouldn't get sucked in, that you can't afford this or that, but then a few posts later, you've given in to your wife's whims.  Now she wants to take the last thing you have that kind of keeps you afloat, your job.  Maybe your mom doesn't want you to make a big mistake.  She's going about it wrong of course.  

Keep your head clear.  Work, rest, see your T, don't respond to nonsense.

[hurthusband]

Wife called this morning.  She said apologized for all of this and said that I should not quit my job nor relationship with my mother because they mean alot to me.  That I should go into work.  I did.  My mother on other hand has only made one strange text to me and not at work so far, and nobody has heard from her.  She told me she is moving out of her house and I could stay there. Now there is other stuff to that...

That was 3 hours ago.  Now my wife is having a massive panic attack.  She is terrified my mother is out plotting to do things to her.  Make up lies which I do not put past my mother.  If she feels kids are in danger, she might.

I am scared.  This is bad

[formflier]

I am scared.  This is bad

You are not responsible for what your mom does... .or your wife.

[ColdEthyl]

I am scared.  This is bad

You are not responsible for what your mom does... .or your wife.

I agree with FF on this. However, it's been my experience that it's not a good idea to speak ill of your wife to your mother, or your mother to your wife. Both of them love you, and if either of them feel like the other is hurting you... .this is the mess that will happen.

In the future, try not to speak to them about the other. At this point hun, I'd recommend some therapy for you. IS that something you are willing to do? Is that something you and afford and fit into your lifestyle? 

[momtara]

HH, you changed things a bit and stopped responding and look what happened - your wife had a moment of clarity.  Whether that remains, I don't know.  We all get sucked in when they are being rational, and sometimes over-apologize or overcompensate, and then we are hurt again.  So keep following this road.  Don't worry about what your mom does - she is stable enough to not break the law. 

Can you imagine what would have happened if you had quit your job and then a half hour later get a message from your wife NOT to?

You are the only rational person in this situation so you have to do rational things.  Keep your job, take a breath, stop worrying about your wife and mom.  Your mom will come to her senses like your wife did.  Of course, your wife's "moment of clarity" (common with BPD) may not last if you go back to your old ways.  She will have more ups and downs.  So stay the course and do the few stable things you can, like working.

((hug))

[hurthusband]

I go to therapy.  I have been 3 times in past 2 weeks.  I am done with them all.  My mother who refuses to apologize for what she did and my wife who wont let it go and keeps on how i hold nobody accountable.

Everything around me is getting bad.  I dont know what my wife wants.  I cannot make somebody apologize.  My mother was wrong and refused, but spoke with some compassion for my wife.  My wife keeps on basicaly about retribution on my mother.

It is almost like my wife got me to come into work today so she can torture me

She is at home now having a panic attack where she cannot function... and xanax and 2 clozapan will not let her sleep.  She cut herself last night and hit her head.  Everything was a fragile state and was a fine line.  It might have been heading towards divorce and she might have been nasty but it was not dangerous like it is now.  Then my mother poured gasoline on the fire

I am now left with nobody.  No friends, no family, no nothing to talk to.

Both women refuse to apologize, and certainly my wife seems unable to empathize with my mother on things.  Now I am stuck feeling guilty like i sided with my mother on this.

Meanwhile I get word today my mother is kicking out my stepdad and my grandfather has 2 months to live and work is crashing down around me.

I am left with no other option... My life as i know it is over.  20 years lead to this point and i gave everything to get her and because

a. my wife is nuts

b. my mother is nuts

c. i have poor boundaries because I care about both... particularly with my wife

everything is gone.  I am not giong to try and pick up the ___ing peices of my life again.  It was too much work to get to this point and I gave up too much to get to this point.  Im too old to rebuild all this

Shame on all of them for putting me here.  I dont know if my wife will kill herself.  I dont know what else to do for her.  She is dying right now.  I am going mad.  It feels like my only option is to turn my back on her now.

I am angry because I was avoiding this and I do not now know how I feel about anyone or if I am even sane enough to analyze any of this properly

[formflier]

c. i have poor boundaries because I care about both... particularly with my wife


Shame on all of them for putting me here. 

HH... .try to slow down your thinking... .

Focus on what you can control... .don't worry about the rest... .

Why?

Does worry help?

You control you... .you control your boundaries. 

Do not abdicate you responsibilities for you... .nobody else is responsible for your boundaries


Why cast shame on them?  That is on "their side" of the street.  They may... .or may not clean up their side... .don't worry about that... .see point above about worry.

Are you going to clean up "your side" of the street

[momtara]

Neither of them need to apologize.

This is not your fault and you can't control it - so don't try.

Yes, turning your back (at least temporarily!) is a better option than killing yourself or anything else which will help no one.  

Do you see how these people are mentally ill and you can't control them?  You don't know the right thing to do because they keep changing.  So do what you KNOW you need to do.  You need to go to work.  (And she can only torture you if you answer the calls - which are pointless.)  You need to rest.  You need to protect yourself.

You don't need to let people abuse you anymore.  

And I thought there was no hope either, several times.  It's amazing what happens when you set boundaries.  Turning your back on them will help them, even if they don't realize it at first.

They keep giving you orders that will just hurt you or the other person.  You can't take those orders.  You have to step out of the madness.  You are correct.  You can do it, HH!  It's not like your filing for divorce.  Step away.

And again, if you think the kids or your ex are in danger, tell someone.  You can't control all this.  (If she is a danger to herself, sometimes local hospitals have crisis teams you can talk to to force them into being committed.  Wouldn't that be a relief?)

[momtara]

Most of it sounds like vitriol and even if it is genuine or there's a moment of clarity, you can't help right now because the rest ends up abusive toward you.  It doesn't matter whether some of the conversation is ok - the rest is bad and that's not acceptable.

STOP ANSWERING THE PHONE or responding.  Stop answering.  Stop answering.  She has no reason to call during work.  :)on't answer, don't answer, don't answer.  You need to change this.

(If you had listened to her and quit your job, right now she'd be freaking out over how you could do such a thing.  Remember that.  Listening to people who are telling you contradictory, mentally ill things does not help.  Stop listening.)

[hurthusband]

yea... apparantly the ex is over a month behind on child support and is all pissed at us over today and her grandmother was at the same hospital that her mother and father both died at... one cause of staph

and her grandmother they discovered dying because she too has staph infection from that same hospital... .

just crazy...

i need a rest

[eyvindr]

hurt --

I hope you can hear momtara and formflier through the chaos. Seriously, the advice they are giving you is sound.

Think about it. I know it's hard, and there's a bunch of emotion clouding your ability to be objective -- and the emotion is real. But try for just five or ten minutes. Push through the confusion, clear your mind, and think about it -- nothing is really happening. It's all your wife freaking out, causing your mom to freak out, both of them causing you to freak out -- nothing is really happening. It's all noise. Turn it off, and see what happens.

That said -- as soon as you turn it off, expect it to get louder -- or, rather, expect your wife to try to crank up the volume. It's called an extinction burst -- lots of information on that here. That email that you shared at the beginning of this thread was likely the beginning of the burst. Don't respond. Do your best to wall yourself off from the noise -- it's likely mostly a bunch of idle threats, but the words sound very scary, because you're perceiving them as having real meaning, vs just being noise, contrived to knock you of balance and keep you in the F.O.G. It's the relationship equivalent of how the military uses PSY-OPS on their enemies.

Fear, Obligation, Guilt. That's what this is, hurt. 

[cloudten]

I know you want to fix things with your wife. I respect that entirely.

I think you need to go 3 weeks No Contact with your wife. Period. and I think you need to go 3 weeks NC or LC with your mother too. You need a mental break from these women... .both of them. Get a new cell phone. Screen your calls at work... request caller ID if you don't have it at work. You need a mental break to get out of the FOG from both of them.

There is fresh air. There is room to breathe if you make the room for yourself!

Tell your wife "I realize you are going to feel abandonded, and it is not my intention to abandon you, however I truly need some space right now to gather my thoughts. Therefore, I will not be speaking with you for 3 weeks. I will contact you by [phone, email etc.] On such and such date. Please do not contact me by any means until then, or I will be forced to extend my silence."

Whatever deadline you set, mean it. I strongly encourage you to at least do 3-5 days if you cannot do weeks.

Whatever communication you choose, you must start with acknowledging her feelings, real or imagined.

You are an incredibly unselfish person... .but it is killing you. be selfish. It is ok this time.

[GaGrl]

hh,  here's what I'm hearing... .

You know your wife is borderline.

You suspect your mother is borderline.

Your wife is abusive in every way possible. The emotional and verbal abuse is intolerable for you at this point.

Your mother is abusive in only slightly more subtle ways. You are increasingly sensitive to her abusive comments and behaviors even if not directed at you.

Your wife drinks too much and is dependent on pills, Rx legal or borrowed.

Your mother drinks too much.

Your wife has banished you from your house.

Your mother has banished your stepfather from the house.

Your wife is dealing with the loss of her parents.

Your mother is dealing with the imminent loss of a parent.

Do I have it right? And if I do, what do you think is your role, if any at all, in sorting out their extreme emotional problems?

[Skip]

And if I do, what do you think is your role, if any at all, in sorting out their extreme emotional problems?

To add to this question, do you have the strength and skill to keep this from getting worse?

[momtara]

If you can't do three weeks (that may be long because there are kids involved) can you at least do it for a few days?  Even a day?  You are right, you need a rest.  What would make you purely happy?  A good movie, a meal by yourself at a restaurant, a drive somewehre you always wanted to see?  Think about it.

The point is well made that nothing is happening - it's people abusing you and letting you react.  You need to be strong by being silent.

I think a fleet of five psychiatrists couldn't handle these two people at this point.  Step away.

[hurthusband]

hh,  here's what I'm hearing... .

You know your wife is borderline.

You suspect your mother is borderline.

Your wife is abusive in every way possible. The emotional and verbal abuse is intolerable for you at this point.

Your mother is abusive in only slightly more subtle ways. You are increasingly sensitive to her abusive comments and behaviors even if not directed at you.

Your wife drinks too much and is dependent on pills, Rx legal or borrowed.

Your mother drinks too much.

Your wife has banished you from your house.

Your mother has banished your stepfather from the house.

Your wife is dealing with the loss of her parents.

Your mother is dealing with the imminent loss of a parent.

Do I have it right? And if I do, what do you think is your role, if any at all, in sorting out their extreme emotional problems?

pretty much all there.  Couple of things is that it is my father and not my mothers parent that is dying so she doesnt have any effect.  They ahve been divorced for 30 years.  Also as for banishing my stepfather... .she divorced him already and he just simply refuses to leave despite court order.  So she is actually moving out and filing for eviction to forcibly remove him since he refuses.  It is upsetting to her to have to do that though.

my role in my parents problems is not mine.  Yesterday my wife could not function. She started out with compassion and clarity.  Then panicked big time.  Could not function but said she would handle it on her own.  Good I thought.  she had said she hoped i could come home today so at 3:30 pm since i was tired and beat up too... I said i would get going.  It took about 15 minutes more to close up things and I had to stop by to get my meds.  Then traffic hit and I was not home til 5.  She was not happy and questioning me.  She says a call could have been warranted which I agree with and apologized.  She then said she was did not care if i was there or not.  That hurt.  Then she started questioning me on my job and mother.  I shut it down there and said that she had encouraged me to go onto job.  She said she talked it over with her doc and this was all proper to ask.  I said, I do not know that your doctor understands what I have been through and I am just trying to make it day to day and not even look at future.  This line of questioning is not fair and usually starts a fight.  She got upset and went to bed at 6 pm.  I showered and ate food that i thanked her for before going to sleep.  I got up early this morning to invite her to breakfast before work.  She declined and then has been harrassing me ever since.  Just accusing me of the same sort of things...

Called me 20 times already... texted numerous times.  I told her not to call me.  I have phone on silent.  I am sick.  She kicked me from house again and told me my son did not want to hang out with me anyways.  She is manipulating my faults and makign the penalty bigger.

She is demanding access to my personal computer.  I have nothing to hide there but its the last thing I have to myself.  I have a severe OCD reaction to it.  Requiring certain cleanliness on it and i built it myself.  Its my most prized physical item other than family.  I gave her passwords and told her she can check but that it will have a severe effect on me.  I said i would be happy to show her everything at home.  I do not know what she is doing now.  I want her to know I am honest and that is more important than my OCD and the trauma it will cause.  It will cause severe trauma to me, but OCD i know is not real and its not fair to punish others with my issues

I told her I felt threatened at this point and could not take any calls.  She said my mother threatened her and i told her she could file with the police on my mother.  That is her right and it was unfair of my mother...

she crying in messages and sayign she is going to see her grandmother who coincidentally has staph from teh same hospital that her father got it in and died.  Cept she did not even have an operation!  She is dying .  I texted my wife that I will talk to her but only words of compassion and no accusatory things may be said.  I do care and want to be of comfort with this sort of thing

[formflier]

 

Did I understand that you gave you wife a password to your computer? 

[hurthusband]

yup i did.

Many years ago... before married or anything.  Things were at a bad point... she had attempted 2 suicides and was just off the deep end.  No excuse for me, and I was talking with a woman online.  She found out.  Obviously, that would shake her trust.  So I feel the priveledge of privacy on the internet was given up by me.  I have nothing to hide... honestly, if I did, I know how to clean it up and she knows that, but she has that right to me. 

We talked on the phone.  She expressed how she felt healthy for most part until she made a snide remark about my mother which I asked if that was healthy to the conversation which she said no.  She said that she is constantly paranoid my family and I are plotting against her.  This was what I was scared of with my mothers threat and why I was soo upset about it.  She can be very paranoid at times.  She ODed on lithium years ago and for a couple of months would see things that were not real and would become overly paranoid at times.  I think its permanently damaged her mind and she knows my mother is not to be triffled with.  Now that being said, my wife is the only person who has really ever done severe wrong to any of her children or herself that she has not actually gotten involved in.  She has slipped up a couple of times and said something when physical violence and the threat of taking kids from me which was still not warranted, but she does have compassion for my wife and does want her to do better and have a relationship.

She then said she cannot keep doing this and she will no longer contact me and leave me be.  She said she cannot keep going through the trouble with grief and her parents while at the same time being paranoid from my family and she does not trust me nor feel safe.  I agree she needs those things.  It is not my fault and I know I am not doing those things, but she deserves to feel safe regardless.  I acknowledge that.  My gut said to fight and defend I am not that way and so forth, but that is her reality.  I do not want her to feel that way and that is a problem she has inside which I did not tell her.  I accept that though and that it probably means we are over and is the real answer why anytime i get close she withdraws and things get bad.  It just means its not healthy to be together and is heartbreaking.

I felt it was a healthy conversation.  I am saying this matter of fact, and I am heart broken, but I do not feel teh insanity of all the rest.  I worry about her.  I do not know where she goes.  I worry bout her more than me.  It angers me if my family would have stayed out I could have possibly laid out boundaries and turned things around a bit into a better spot.  Maybe not, but family involvement is wild card that I cannot control outside of permanently removing them

She made point that with my job my mother is always involved somehow.  She always does have some control.  I fear losing my job, I fear losing the income.  I think wife does too.  I think though that I have made it clear to my mother that if she does use it as leverage to interfere in my life i will quit and i will pull myself from her.  Not that we contact each other much.  We talk about 15 minutes a day and holidays and thats it. Honestly, my relationship with my mother is good other than my wife.  She does not know much about me, she thinks she does, but i always kept to myself.  I know my mother is sick to a degree and if my wife and i could have kept the crap out of the office none of this other stuff would have happened.  Which my wife says is the problem.  My wife hates small business and I am a small business owner too.  At same time, if I was in a corporate job, as mentioned, I would probably be fired for what wife and i do at work.

So i am not sure there is an answer here.  I do worry.  She is not eating and throws up when she does, she is losing hair, she sleeps most of time, her doc has her on extended release xanax/vyvanse/clozapine.  She cannot sleep though even with 2 clozapine.  She cut herself the other day.  tripping more and bruised her head.  She is a mess.  Obviously paranoid.  I think she feels she may benefit from a hospital stay, but two problems

a. financial... even with insurance its not cheap and we do nto have a credit card to put anything on, but this is not main reason

b. main reason is that there are 2 mental wards in area.  One is the 13th floor of the community hospital.  This place is horrible.  They literaly have patients living on cots in the hallways.  There is NO therapy only meds given.  The other place is located as part of the same hospital both her parents and grandmother have been treated in in the past two months and that 2 got staph from and all 3 died or will be dying.  The mental toll of that place is not going to be healthy.  So that leaves private send away places and once again... they are not going to take her without a credit card.

Her doc btw the way finally responded to a message from me when I said she would miss an appointment.  Figures.  I am not sure if i should tell doc about the cutting or the spot she is in.  Her doc seems to want nothing to do with me about her

[momtara]

The thing about the computer sounds to me like the guys on here who have to show their wives all their texts to prove they are not cheating.  What if she looks up this site?  Are you sure you have nothing on there that won't make this worse?  i think you should change the password.  Does she give you passwords to her stuff and her phone?  Can you look through her phone?  If it will cause a strong reaction, don't do it again.  You can just change the password without telling her.  If she says anything, then you know she tried to get in.

  "Then traffic hit and I was not home til 5.  She was not happy and questioning me."

You see why communicating and jumping through hoops makes things worse, right?  She always finds a problem.  If you had called her from the car you would have been breaking the law.  Stop apologizing - you did nothing wrong.  Responding to her is like laying out a welcome mat for more and new and different abuse.   

[formflier]

This is a boundary issue.  Your password... your accounts.

If there is a trust issue... .it is a bad idea for the spouse to be the "accountability partner"... .

So... maybe a better solution is to get her to pick someone to monitor her... .and you... .with the agreement that you both submit to the monitoring.

Otherwise it is a very unbalanced... .unhealthy thing...

[GaGrl]

I don't think you can ignore something you mentioned previously... .how much does she drink, and what is the degree of her prescription drug abuse? And how and how much is this affecting her mental condition?

It could be that she needs a month long rehab stay just to get her health back in balance and give her the ability to even attempt to address the PD and marriage issues.

[Skip]

If there is a trust issue... .it is a bad idea for the spouse to be the "accountability partner"... .

This is exactly what therapists recommend to rebuild betrayed trust.  It's in every every recovery book I've read.

See split: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271186.0

This is a boundary issue.  Your password... your accounts.

I'm not sure I see her violating any "boundaries".

She has had the password for years. Many couples share emails, computers, etc.  There is no right and wrong here and she certainly isn't in violation of anything - she asked.

Are we missing the big picture here - possibly even pilling onto the HH's drama?

She has BPD.  Both parents died.  She is in crisis.  This is her grasping at straws.

Most of what I've read is her grasping at straws.

Not seeing this as the biggest issue may be missing the forest for the trees.

It seems to me that the goal should be dealing with the primary issue (women in illogical, emotional crisis) and not getting all caught up in every straw she is grasping.

HH, you need to be rising above this - not being consumed by it.  Problem is that you are in your own crisis.  You need to get serious and get real help before someone is dead.

I know you have a therapist.  I don't get the sense you have dialed him all the way in.  What does the therapist know?

We also sent you crisis support information right in your neighborhood.  Have you talked to anyone at the crisis center?  What did they say?

The danger of a few weeks ago has subsided - there is a bit of a lull here- its time to get on it.