I'm new; keeping a relationship with siblings but not parents?

[Forever to Roam]

I'm tempted to put my entire life's story into this post, but I feel like that's inconsiderate of the other people on these forums. So, I will explain my situation as briefly as I can.

I was the first of four daughters born to an uBPDm and an uNPDf (this is how I view them, I could be wrong). I was the golden child, then came the devil child, then two more daughters who were ignored most of their lives because the positions of angel and demon were already filled. I buried my nose in books to escape my sister's abuse, leaving me filled with guilt my entire life for not helping her, and, if anything, taking my mother's side against her. My mother was depressed for a long while, during which time I took over the task of mothering my sisters, eventually taking the role of mother/best friend to my mother too. She molded me to be her perfect child, obedient in all things. Any signs of traits she did not approve of were removed one way or another. No desire in my life was as strong as the desire to please her. Until I went to college and met a boy. We were friends, then we dated. My mother tried to put a stop to it, but I finally had a desire stronger that that of pleasing her. Things escalated all the way around: I married him at nineteen, my mother, for all intents and purposes, cut me off. (By the way, my husband is a great guy, with some flaws of course, but our relationship over the six and a half years we have been married has been pretty darn ideal - how that miracle happened I will never know.) I still tried to keep some contact with my family, mainly for my sisters' benefit, occasionally speaking with my mother to see if she can accept my choices yet. A little while ago, I watched the movie Tangled for the first time. My mouth was hanging open the entire movie - Gothel as shown in that movie *is my mother*. After a bit of google-searching, I found someone somewhere saying that if Gothel was a real person, she would be suffering from BPD. I did so much research after that, it all fit, and I finally felt like maybe I wasn't crazy. I've tried to keep this in mind when communicating with my mother, however, it finally reached a breaking point a couple months ago when my mother told me she believes my now-husband gave me a date-rape drug to get me to marry him. I wrote letters to all my family and sent them a couple weeks ago; I told my parents I will not communicate with them anymore, I told my sisters my side of the story and said I still want a relationship with them if they are OK with that. I got a call from my sister (the "devil child" the other day, telling me that she will not deny truth and that everything in my letter is false and nonsense... .but she still wants a relationship with me. I must admit, I had thought that the person who was treated absolutely abominably in our family would believe me. This has just brought back the whole I-must-be-crazy feeling. I don't know whether to contact my younger sisters and see if they want a relationship, or wait for them to make the first move (one of them still lives with our parents).

I've been lurking here for a bit, and this seems like a safe place to share.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Forever to Roam,



Tangled had a huge impact on me, too! ... .I already knew about BPD when I saw it, but just witnessing Gothel's manipulations made me physically ill and I nearly left the theater. Crazy stuff. 

That's a doozy of a feeling when others (like your sister) deny facts like that. And that is so awful, and so typical, about the date-rape-drug accusation.   Ugh! So sorry you have had to deal with that kind of crap! Our current demonstration is that my mother-in-law (uBPD, highly toxic) has been contacting my own mom (uBPD, but less aggressive) and telling her my husband has Asperger's (he doesn't). This goes along with other things she's publicly posted sent in emails to our friends; that I am from an evil cult and brainwashed her son into marrying me.

Keep talking; we're listening. What do you want to do in regards to your other siblings?

[charred]

I'm tempted to put my entire life's story into this post, but I feel like that's inconsiderate of the other people on these forums. So, I will explain my situation as briefly as I can.

I was the first of four daughters born to an uBPDm and an uNPDf (this is how I view them, I could be wrong). I was the golden child, then came the devil child, then two more daughters who were ignored most of their lives because the positions of angel and demon were already filled. I buried my nose in books to escape my sister's abuse, leaving me filled with guilt my entire life for not helping her, and, if anything, taking my mother's side against her. My mother was depressed for a long while, during which time I took over the task of mothering my sisters, eventually taking the role of mother/best friend to my mother too. She molded me to be her perfect child, obedient in all things. Any signs of traits she did not approve of were removed one way or another. No desire in my life was as strong as the desire to please her. Until I went to college and met a boy. We were friends, then we dated. My mother tried to put a stop to it, but I finally had a desire stronger that that of pleasing her. Things escalated all the way around: I married him at nineteen, my mother, for all intents and purposes, cut me off. (By the way, my husband is a great guy, with some flaws of course, but our relationship over the six and a half years we have been married has been pretty darn ideal - how that miracle happened I will never know.) I still tried to keep some contact with my family, mainly for my sisters' benefit, occasionally speaking with my mother to see if she can accept my choices yet. A little while ago, I watched the movie Tangled for the first time. My mouth was hanging open the entire movie - Gothel as shown in that movie *is my mother*. After a bit of google-searching, I found someone somewhere saying that if Gothel was a real person, she would be suffering from BPD. I did so much research after that, it all fit, and I finally felt like maybe I wasn't crazy. I've tried to keep this in mind when communicating with my mother, however, it finally reached a breaking point a couple months ago when my mother told me she believes my now-husband gave me a date-rape drug to get me to marry him. I wrote letters to all my family and sent them a couple weeks ago; I told my parents I will not communicate with them anymore, I told my sisters my side of the story and said I still want a relationship with them if they are OK with that. I got a call from my sister (the "devil child" the other day, telling me that she will not deny truth and that everything in my letter is false and nonsense... .but she still wants a relationship with me. I must admit, I had thought that the person who was treated absolutely abominably in our family would believe me. This has just brought back the whole I-must-be-crazy feeling. I don't know whether to contact my younger sisters and see if they want a relationship, or wait for them to make the first move (one of them still lives with our parents).

I've been lurking here for a bit, and this seems like a safe place to share.

I love my sister, she is a bit affected by growing up with the same PD parents I have... .uBPDm and malignant dNPDf. I was golden one for a while, but had hard time with uBPDm first, then dNPDf later... haven't spoke to dNPDf for 15yrs... keep LC with mom... and normal to LC with sister, depending on how difficult she is to deal with. I tried all kinds of intellectual approaches... .and ended up just seeing if I felt life was better being involved with them regularly or not. My dNPDf... did his best to cause my wife a miscarriage, did hasten my grandmothers death, and convinced me he had no place in my life. Sister and mom have nothing to do with him either. My mom is nice sometimes (waif BPD)... and real beast other times, I will be nice when she is and cease being around her when she isn't... works out okay. Wish I had a better answer.

If you sister is ego driven in her denial of anything you say being true... she is in a spot. It is hard to accept that your parents are fallible, and can be very hard to see them as having PD's. My sister was opposed to my views on my mom, for a long time, we agreed to disagree and went on... .she has come around though.

[Forever to Roam]

Thanks for the welcome claudiaduffy.

My mother had been saying since the middle of our engagement that my hubby had brainwashed me. The date-rape-drug theory is new, though. When I lost her approval I had fallen into a depression; knowing that, she had said my marriage could/should be annulled as marrying me when I was mentally ill was essentially coercion. I put him through a lot of hell at the beginning of our relationship trying to please her.

Charred, I am glad to hear your sister has come around, that gives me hope.

I do not regret finally cutting the cord with my mother - I had put it off for a long time out of fear that doing something like that would cause her to take out her anger and frustration and anything else on my younger sisters who were still living with her. She had blocked me from their phones. When I was young she used to check my emails, write things and sign my name at the end, so I don't really feel like I can trust her not to do that with my sisters. She's told me over the past years that my silence hurt my sisters. I don't know whether to believe her that my sisters are hurt by things that were never meant to be hurtful, I don't know if they ever received anything I ever sent, I don't know if they believe everything my mother may have ever said about me. My mother has since told me I'm *not* blocked from their phones anymore and that it was an accident in the first place.

Hoping that this was true, I sent letters to my sister's email addresses, telling them I am sorry I was silent for so long, and the story of my experience with our mother and my husband, then sent text messages to their phones telling them to check their emails. At the end of the letters I asked them if they wanted to keep a relationship with me. It has been a few weeks since I sent them. 2nd sister thinks it's all false - we seem to have an OK, superficial relationship otherwise, and I can live with that. 3rd sister is finally at college, living away from home, 4th sister is a junior in high school, still living with the parents. I don't know if I should wait for either of them to tell me, yes, they want to talk to me, or if I should try calling their phones, ask what they thought of the letter and if they have any questions for me. I want them to feel like they can talk to me, to know I am here for them if they need me... .especially if they, too, begin to have issues with our parents. But I don't want to be pushy, as it feels really reminiscent of mother, or for them to feel guilty if they don't want to talk to me.

[Forever to Roam]

I guess, really, I'm asking, does anyone else have any experience with trying to keep contact with siblings still under the sway of an uBPD parent? Is there any good way to go about it?