BPD making our replacements happy?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 2.5 years separated with LC to my dBPDh.  I beleive this is his 3rd or 4th replacement since our seperation.  I've worked really hard in therapy to try to rehabilitate myself from a 28 year realtionship (married 13 years) with him and it has not been an easy road but I am making progress. Its a process, and not an event.

I keep on getting stuck in my thinking that somehow he now has the ability to do for the replacement what he wasnt able to do for me. (Because of his many years of DBT therapy, but then again I think he wouldnt have left me again out of the blue, right?) Like somehow he's changed.  I read on my replacements facebook page how lucky she feels to have him and this is only after them dating for 2months.  Also only 2.5 months after I saw him and he told me he did not want a divorce and said how messed up he his. (I didnt rescue and just listened and asked what he was going to do.  He said he'd go back to therapy but I see no evidence of this).

I also wonder about the replacement.  How is she different than me, or is she?  Is she a really sweet caring giving person showering him with attention, or is she desperate, insecure, not stable, or just has no clue?  Should I feel sorry for her? 

Have any of you experienced this type of thinking or is it just me?  I know its not healthy to spend too much attention to this and I'm really trying not to, but I have always been a deep thinker and can't help but feel that somehow this helps us get through the steps of getting through until we're in the clear.  Or am I just fooling myself?  Honest answers welcomed! 

[heartbroken25]

I'm 2.5 years separated with LC to my dBPDh.  I beleive this is his 3rd or 4th replacement since our seperation.  I've worked really hard in therapy to try to rehabilitate myself from a 28 year realtionship (married 13 years) with him and it has not been an easy road but I am making progress. Its a process, and not an event.

I keep on getting stuck in my thinking that somehow he now has the ability to do for the replacement what he wasnt able to do for me. (Because of his many years of DBT therapy, but then again I think he wouldnt have left me again out of the blue, right?) Like somehow he's changed.  I read on my replacements facebook page how lucky she feels to have him and this is only after them dating for 2months.  Also only 2.5 months after I saw him and he told me he did not want a divorce and said how messed up he his. (I didnt rescue and just listened and asked what he was going to do.  He said he'd go back to therapy but I see no evidence of this).

I also wonder about the replacement.  How is she different than me, or is she?  Is she a really sweet caring giving person showering him with attention, or is she desperate, insecure, not stable, or just has no clue?  Should I feel sorry for her? 

Have any of you experienced this type of thinking or is it just me?  I know its not healthy to spend too much attention to this and I'm really trying not to, but I have always been a deep thinker and can't help but feel that somehow this helps us get through the steps of getting through until we're in the clear.  Or am I just fooling myself?  Honest answers welcomed! 

[HappyNihilist]

heartbroken, I'm so sorry you're struggling with these ruminations.   I know you're in a difficult situation with your dBPDh. My heart goes out to you.   

You're absolutely right - healing and working on ourselves is a process, not an event. You've come so far with yourself.   

I think it's perfectly natural to have thoughts like that - are they capable of giving someone else the love and intimacy they couldn't give to us? What is the replacement like? What is the relationship like? This is someone you devoted a lot of time, energy, and love to - of course letting go isn't easy. These obsessive thoughts keep the person "alive" for us, and for the more masochistic of us, can be effective forms of self-flagellation.

But deep down, underneath that obsessive narrative that has you questioning yourself and your reality - you know the truth. You've known him for 28 years. You know his patterns, both before and after his therapy.

It seems more likely that, at only 2 months in, they are both experiencing the intense idealization phase of the relationship.

As to how you "should" feel about her... .well, there is no true right or wrong, there is only what feels right for you. Just remember to be kind to yourself - don't compare, because that only leads to unhappiness.

I agree that processing and exploring our deep thoughts and ruminations helps us get through the muck and mire and find ourselves. 

What are these particular questions telling you about yourself and your feelings?

[heartbroken25]

Thank you for your heartfelt and honest response HappyNihilist. You are correct about a lot of things here and it feels very validating!

It's just so hard to see/imagine him with someone else especailly all that we've (rather I've) been through, but I know I have to continue to focus on myself and well being.  Sometimes I feel so hopeful that I can see a bright future for myself and then I slip back into the abyss.  I know I am a resiliant person and will get through this but it has not been easy.  I know it will take me a bit longer, but I'm ok with that and will not beat myself up over it.  I want to be healthy so that if I choose to have another relationship down the road, I will be in a good place and not bring any baggage with me.   I dont feel its fair to the other person or ourselves to get into another relationship until one is in a good place.  I'm trying to get there and will not give up!

[Turkish]

My replacement/affair partner/now fiancee can never have children with her because she's "fixed." He'll never go through the stress of babies. I think it could last a very long time. Is that my business? Kind of and no.

A good friend of mine was divorced from a wife with BPD traits almost 20 years ago. After the affair and another fling, she married a guy who on the surface was way "below" her.it took 8 years and a baby in middle age for her to get to a point where she wanted to divorce him as well. They're still married, for 12 years now.

I'm still a bit stuck on my Ex's r/s imploding, but it feels like I'm still living, and my feelings dependent upon, what she does and what happens to her.

[Maternus]

I'm 2.5 years separated with LC to my dBPDh.  I beleive this is his 3rd or 4th replacement since our seperation.

3 or 4 replacements in 2.5 years? Do you really think you are missing something?

[eyvindr]

Hi heartbroken,

I think you hit it on the head when you said that the healing isn't an event, it's a process. That is so true on so many levels.

Even normal break-ups very much resemble injuries that require time and self-care to recover from. A break-up with a disordered person seems to be more like major surgery -- and as someone coming out of a 28-yr-long r-ship, you were in the OR for a lo-o-o-o-ong time, girl. *hug*

Like Happy Nihilist said, it's normal to have these questions. I still think of some of my ex gf's from time to time, BPD or not, mostly with fond memories -- the only one I have no love left for is my ex-wife. (Her behavior truly was deplorable, as has been her treatment of our son and me since -- but that's been over for a long time.)

Sounds like you're making steady, strong progress -- give yourself credit for that.