Best way to break up?

[cloudten]

Ok... .I am done. I am done with him. Most awful night of my life... .in front of coworkers. Horrible just beyond words.

So... .what I need to know and have been trying to figure out... . how to break up with him.

I have read things about "fading away Break up. I am set up to be able to do that.

I have read things about cold turkey NC. I am prepared to do that.

Which is most effective to avoid crazy stalker?

[Jmanster]

If he clearly knew what he was doing that hurt you, or if you made it 110% clear to him that he hurt you and he won't acknolwdge that, go NC IMMEDIATELY!

[icom]

NC

I tried the "Slowly Fade into the Background" technique without success, as it just seemed to heighten her defences and ramp-up her hypervigilance.  

She was always at my door again at some point irrespective of the exiting technique deployed.  

Strict NC is brutally hard when there is still an emotional tie.  

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

I'm sorry to hear you had a terrible night in front of co-workers. It must of been awfully embarrassing and hard

Attachment leads to suffering; detachment leads to freedom. The lessons to the right of the board will help you on your path -------------------------->

Hang in there.

----Mutt  

[cloudten]

Thanks all. NC it is. It was so hard and embarrassing but my head and heart finally agree that this is right. I am so brokenhearted.

So no contact. I may lose my mind for 3 days. I hate doing this but I am determined that this time will be the last time. I want to be free.

[hurting300]

I wouldn't recommend doing a disappearing act. Let the person know it's over and go no contact. and the reason I'm saying that is when you do a disappearing act with a normal person they are likely to stalk you to find out what happened to you. So, just imagine how bad it could be with a disordered person. That's not safe.

[anxiety5]

Ok... .I am done. I am done with him. Most awful night of my life... .in front of coworkers. Horrible just beyond words.

So... .what I need to know and have been trying to figure out... .  how to break up with him.

I have read things about "fading away Break up. I am set up to be able to do that.

I have read things about cold turkey NC. I am prepared to do that.

Which is most effective to avoid crazy stalker?

My ex thought she was punishing me through shunning me for days at a time. I used the down time to detach from her, build old friendships back up and ultimately dump her.

[downwhim]

The only way is N/C. It will be hard. Post here when you feel like contacting. Make sure you keep yourself busy and take care of yourself. Treat yourself to something good everyday. No one should be devalued. We are all here for you.  

[Rise]

I wouldn't recommend doing a disappearing act. Let the person know it's over and go no contact. and the reason I'm saying that is when you do a disappearing act with a normal person they are likely to stalk you to find out what happened to you. So, just imagine how bad it could be with a disordered person. That's not safe.

I've got to agree with hurting. It's not fair to just disappear on someone and leave things up in the air indefinitely. There are plenty of members here that have had their exes pull the exact same thing and it hurts. Just because we are dealing with a disordered individual doesn't mean we are off the hook for acting like a decent person. Besides, as hurting pointed out, a disappearing act is most likely going to trigger you ex like nothing else, and has the potential to lead to some messy situations down the road. Let your ex know things are over before you stop speaking. It's how you'd probably prefer to be treated, and the golden rule always applies.

[hurting300]

No it's not fair rise... my ex disappeared on me... I'm having to grieve the relationship as if she and my baby died at the same time. It's terrible.

[cloudten]

So in my effort to tell him that it was done and NC, that whole thing. We were up until 3am talking. Nothing has changed- I still want out. I did agree to go to our previously scheduled therapy session on Thursday. So I guess now I am in LC. I am effing crazy... .this man is making me effing crazy.

I found out last night that he told all of his family and friends (and exgf he cheated on with me - unbeknownst to me) that he told everyone that I blackmailed him. What the heck. So add that to the list of things he painted me black. He has now accused me of lying, cheating, stealing, prostituting myself, and now blackmail. Projecting possibly so he felt better about moving on... .because those are all of the things he did to me... .except change blackmail to physical threats to my daughter and I.

I have lost so many friends and my family over this. After saturday's drama, I have jeopardized my job. I can't function. I want to end this drama. I am a peaceful, loving, chill person. I want more for my life.

[Caredverymuch]

So in my effort to tell him that it was done and NC, that whole thing. We were up until 3am talking. Nothing has changed- I still want out. I did agree to go to our previously scheduled therapy session on Thursday. So I guess now I am in LC. I am effing crazy... .this man is making me effing crazy.

I found out last night that he told all of his family and friends (and exgf he cheated on with me - unbeknownst to me) that he told everyone that I blackmailed him. What the heck. So add that to the list of things he painted me black. He has now accused me of lying, cheating, stealing, prostituting myself, and now blackmail. Projecting possibly so he felt better about moving on... .because those are all of the things he did to me... .except change blackmail to physical threats to my daughter and I.

I have lost so many friends and my family over this. After saturday's drama, I have jeopardized my job. I can't function. I want to end this drama. I am a peaceful, loving, chill person. I want more for my life.

Then end it.  You've clearly stated you are enduring an abusive situation thats affecting a great deal in your life.  Tell your partner you are ending the r/s and are not intersted in prolonging your decision. State the reasons clearly and wish him well.  Then go NC.  LC will keep you in this situation and continuing to confuse everyone.  Especially you.  Detachment leads to freedom.  Its the only way in a BPD r/s unfortunately. 

[hurting300]

Yes end it. Nip it in the bud. Tell him then go no contact. If he continues harassing you then apply for a protective order. But just going straight to no contact without mention is called silent treatment and that's abuse in my humble opinion. Plus you'll much better and you will be the winner in this whole mess. I feel for you and no one deserves to be treated the way you have.

[cloudten]

Do any of you think that people with BPD are inherently dangerous?  This is something I have struggled with.  I am not scared of him... .but I do know that he has hurt other people. He has never hurt me.  I hope to god a restraining order isn't necessary. But I do feel that given our history, I do need to say something and then be done. Ugh this is going to suck.

[hurting300]

Do any of you think that people with BPD are inherently dangerous?  This is something I have struggled with.  I am not scared of him... .but I do know that he has hurt other people. He has never hurt me.  I hope to god a restraining order isn't necessary. But I do feel that given our history, I do need to say something and then be done. Ugh this is going to suck.

well yes they are prone to be more dangerous than a normal person would be. That's why it's important to cover your bases. Abuse normally always escalates over time. And if your struggling with thinking if he is or is not then that could mean your gut is screaming at you.

[Pingo]

I agree with hurting, listen to your gut if that is what it is saying... .do what you need to do to protect yourself.  Leaving someone is hard enough, leaving someone who may be dangerous is very stressful. I did so and I'm still dealing with the fear of what he's capable of... .I'm 8 mths out and it is getting easier. Although I did have to threaten him with an RO just to get my point across that he wasn't going to control me ever again.  This is how I was able to enforce NC when he was harassing me. So far he has backed off but if he tries to contact me one more time I won't hesitate to get the RO.  You may want to contact a women's shelter to get moral support and they can also advise and give resources on how to keep yourself protected that maybe you haven't thought about. 

I also agree with the others, in this type of situation the only solution in NC. Otherwise they will continue to manipulate you into their web.  It's hard and my heart goes out to you. 

[cloudten]

Ok... .well... .starting now

NC. I think he gets the picture. I told him in a lot of different ways that I was done and to leave me alone. It wasn't pretty. It was horrible.

So now to focus on me.

Thanks everyone!

[raisins3142]

Agreed that NC is best and you shouldn't just disappear, but "not disappearing" can mean a lot of things.

Don't take being nice too far.

How much do you really "owe" this person?

Do you owe them mutual counseling?  Probably not from what I've read of your situation.

Do you owe them some long and horrible last talk where you both get very upset and he tries to get you to stay or hurt you?  Probably not.

Just tell them it is over.  Give them reasons or don't.  Then go no contact.

Don't be obsessed with being a "better person" if it keeps you stuck.  It is okay to be selfish if that is what you need to do right now to get out of a horrible situation.

I had a former girlfriend (cluster B traits but nothing like this last) pick at all my short comings one evening for a few hours straight, hitting everything she knew bothered me, and then stating that as a result of these negatives she was no longer physically attracted to me.  I cried silently and got up and left.  She had mortally wounded me and she knew it.  But she wanted to try to work it out, despite her basically saying that the idea of touching me was like bare handing a dog turd.

I was hurt and needed out.

I called off work the next day, went on a 1 week vacation, and called her on the road and simply said "It's over.  I'm serious.  You know why.  Have a good life."  Hung up while she was balling and yelling and pleading.  Blocked her.  Turned off phone.  Moved on.

We are animals, yes humans are animals.  Hurt us too much and you don't deserve this great person.

Was it super strong how I handled that and perfect and would Oprah and Dr. Phil agree with it?  No.  But it is what I wanted to do.  I never wanted to see her face to face again.  Could someone twist that into a BPD esque abandonment thing?  Sure, but I know that is not me nor was it me in that relationship.  She just stuck 100 swords in my on purpose while looking me in the eye.  And that ended the relationship that night for all useful purposes.

But I don't care about being a wonderful person 100% of the time.  I have treated crappy people like crap in order to save myself.  I don't apologize.

Do what you have to do.  In person, phone, letter... .whatever... .just end it if that is what you really need to do.  And probably the sooner the better.

Take anyone here telling you how to be a "good person" with a grain of salt.

Only you know how dangerous he might be.  If you are worried.  Go stay with family, get a restraining order, get a german shepherd, and/or get a gun.  You have one life.  Protect it physically and emotionally, at nearly any cost.  If our ancestors were not like that, humans would be extinct or never become a species at all.

Now, if you think backing out slow or doing a bunch of face to face is in YOUR best interest for emotional or physical reasons, then by all means do that.

But don't let guilt or obligation hold you back from doing what you have to do in the face of a person that does NOT feel guilt or obligation at all like you do or the way most other humans do.  Naturalists that debate with grizzly bears end up in bear poop.

[cloudten]

I am actually laughing raisins. That was awesome and empowering!

I will no longer bargain and debate with him. I am done. He knows it. He may not believe it and may ignore it, but I am pretty sure there is no other way for me to tell him it's over. I have exhausted them all.

Right now, today, is day one of the rest of my life. It is already easier than the last Time. I can't wait to feel better... .I can't wait! I know in 3 weeks i'll be in a much better place than I am now. I wish I could fast forward, but I know it's a process. I can't wait to get to therapy on thursday and hash all this out. I can't wait to breathe again- although I can feel easier breathing already. I am determined to not have the panic attacks this time or lose my hair. I am stronger than all of this. I can do this! I know there is a better life just waiting for me. I know that someday, although not soon, that I can love again. the next three days will suck. If he doesn't leave me alone I will have to block him and that will hurt me a little inside... .but I know it is what is best for me.

I'm free of him... .I just can't wait to be free of the damage. I know I have to address it and that part will suck... .but I know liberty it out there. What's interesting, is that the times I have gone NC or broken up with him, amazing... .unbelievably amazing things happen to me. so, who knows what is in store for me this time. I can't wait to find out. It must be huge!

[downwhim]

I can relate. I was so stressed I had panic attacks, PTSD, lost hair, had to get on sleeping pills and anti-anxiety. I lived in fear. So here goes my letter after N/C for 4 months. I am so much stronger than when I first got on this board.

Dear Mr. Big shot,

You came into my life when I was so vulnerable. My marriage of 22 years had ended with my cheating, lying, narcissistic husband being himself and me leaving him. It was a painful time and you were there. You came on strong. You took over as the man of the house, mowing the yard, fixing all that needed being done. You stayed over almost every night of the week. I thought this was true love. You got to know me, all of me and we started traveling together. I thought I found my soul mate. You were supper attentive, calling all the time, we saw each other as much as possible. My middle son hated you. He was 16 and in pain from the divorce. Thank god you decided we should kick him out of my house and helped me pack him up and move him out to his dads and his girlfriends clear across town. He cried his head off and we found him hiding in my garage. He was mad and wanted to be home. He shoved me and you shoved him back. First time cops arrived at my house. Wonderful. A new life chapter for me filled with BPD drama. It wasn't hard enough on my children to go through a divorce but your input and brainwashing that your way was the best looking back was your way to control all.

Your first rage came at 9 months. You were screaming as we drove down the highway. I had never seen you like this before. It must have been boiling up inside you for months. You told me to get out and left me in the parking lot at night miles from my home. I was shaking. Your veins popped out on your neck. You were angry about my ex husband and sick of hearing about him. I thought it was over for us. I called a friend to pick me up.

Well, I am co dependent. I like to smooth things over and never know when to leave a bad situation. So, when you emailed a funny joke (your way of always getting me back) I responded and the dance continued. Now there were great times.  friends, weddings, parties, great sex, all was well until the next explosion. This time it was on vacation in Cabo. Beautiful trip, great time and the last night you woke me at 4 am in a rage. It was over me spending too much money on drinks. Screaming in the hotel as loud as possible. I am surprised no one turned you in. I took off at 4:30am with my bags and waited until the gym opened at 6 am. We had separate flights home. I was shaking. Security was concerned. Apparently, I learned later that they checked your bags 3 times. They felt sorry for me and put me in first class on the way home.  We were separated 18 months this time.

So, you find me on a dating website and chat with me and says you know I still love you which I did and I missed you.   This time you were head over heels and within 4 months you got me an engagement ring, you bought an RV and we started traveling. We both had surgeries over this past year and were recovering. Somewhere along the line you decided we were to no longer have sex. Shut me out, started raging more, picked fights all because you did not want to marry me now but would not verbalize it. PAINFUL. I got the silent treatment and the MIA and I begged you to talk to me. Then came the email cancelling the engagement, telling me it is over and move on. Like it should be that easy. Easy for you!  Following that you sent 11 of the same emails demanding my ring back, personal items and to sell the timeshare we owed in Cabo. I sent your stuff to my office for you to pick up which you never did.  I emailed you that I am keeping the ring for all the time I put in and putting up with the rages.  I immediately went N/C.

Shorter version:

Dear A##hole,

You wasted 8 years of my life with your tirades, projections, push/pull, raging, gaslighting, lying, cheating. You have borderline personality disorder, I am co dependent. The difference in us is I admit my mistakes and know who I am. I have sought help. You will never get help. Good luck. Go ruin someone elses life with your BPD.

Don't ever contact me again.

[cloudten]

wow- That is an awesome letter. I can't wait to write one! did you keep the ring? I sure hope so! I know mine would never even ask.  He told me last night that he asked me to move in with him and asked me to marry him. He never asked... .such lies.

Proud of you writing a letter!

[raisins3142]

I am actually laughing raisins. That was awesome and empowering!

I will no longer bargain and debate with him. I am done. He knows it. He may not believe it and may ignore it, but I am pretty sure there is no other way for me to tell him it's over. I have exhausted them all.

Great!  Glad I could help.  

I think you are doing the right thing.

Be on guard for how your ex will twist thing.  They can get messages through despite being blocked (throwaway email accounts, etc).  You might want a policy of deleting anything from them prior to even reading.

After my first break up with my uBPDexgf, I laid out all the issues and of course she copied a message from a consoling friend (back up manipulation) that stated:

"He sounds a lot like a person that is thinking about himself."

As if that was a bad thing.  Take care of you.