Huge weight gain in last year

[ByTheSea]

First post here!  My adult daughter has BPD.  We have been thru the typical journey her whole life which has included diagnosis of  high IQ, ADHD, depression, drug use (pot) and now a huge weight gain over the past year and a half.  My husband and I don't know how to approach her with this.  She will say we are "fat shaming" her and then will shut us out.  I really don't know what that means but I do know she will shut us out of her life for a while if we broach the subject. Her boyfriend has the same experience.  I have discovered in reading "Walking on Eggshells" that she is high functioning and she is filling her emptiness with food.  We are very scared for her physically.  Does anyone have any suggestions for us?  I don't live in the same city as her so it is difficult to support her face to face.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NorthernGirl]

Hello ByTheSea and welcome 

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. I'm sure you have had your share of challenges if your daughter has been through the "typical journey."

Has your daughter sought out or participated in any counselling? Does she talk about BPD at all?

[ByTheSea]

When she lived in Seattle she was in a very low place.  She did DBT Therapy but typically gave up on  it.  Here we are 7 years later with similar but different behaviors coming forward.  This weight gain is immense (100 pounds) and we can see it potentially effecting her health down the road.  She walks with difficulty now.  This may sound dumb but I am afraid to confront  her. She will cut us out of her life and nothing will be done.

[NorthernGirl]

100 hundred pounds is currently a large amount and would have significant impacts on her health. I understand your concern, as well as your concern about confronting her -- never a good thing to do with someone with BPD.

Rather than thinking of this as "confronting" her, do you think it is possible to think of this as a conversation with your daughter to see how she's doing?  In the end, she is the only one who can do something about her weight, so your approach may be more about listening that telling.

Using validation may help you to get a sense of how she is feeling. You can want to watch this video to learn about validation:Validation - Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family (52 minute video) and read this article: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

You can also learn some other communication tools that may help you have some conversations with her in this post: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I assume from your posts that your daughter is difficult to communicate with. Do you think that changing your approach might help?

Have you checked out the Parenting board: You'll find other parents of adult children here who can also help:Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

[lbjnltx]

I concur with NortherGirl.

Showing her you care and are concerned without a hint of judgment is difficult with a child suffering with BPD.  Using the tools and proving yourself to be a consistently concerned and understanding listener can lay the foundation for her to come to you for support or advice.

It's up to her.

I will look for you on the Parents board.

lbj

[lever.]

Hello Bythesea

I was just wondering if your daughter is on any medication for her BPD-some of the meds cause major weight gain.

I agree with showing lots of validation and concern and I would not confront this directly unless she mentions it.

Feeling shamed can be a potent trigger for people with BPD.

If she is on any meds though you could ask if she is happy with them and finding them helpful.

[maxen]

hi ByTheSea. my wife had this problem and it was very hard for me to approach. she was at times close to obese i'd say. this didn't affect my feelings for her, but i couldn't stay silent: her grandmother had lost a leg to diabetes, her father had had a heart attack, and, frankly, i didn't want to be a widower. but just for her own sake i thought she should care. it wasn't the weight itself that bugged me as much as her indolence about the fact of her situation. but there was no way for me to express this: all she heard was judgement. for example she developed sciatica and the doctors told her that she had to lose weight before they would operate but she didn't lose an ounce and after a year of waiting and of zombifying medications for the pain (fentanyl+oxycodone) they went ahead anyway. i'm venting a bit here and perhaps you can tell that (although we're almost finished the divorce) it still gets me impatient. 

as you say, it's filling your emptiness with food, and if my experience is any measure you have to approach the emptiness, not the food. it can be very frustrating watching this and being unable to intervene. i hope you'll look at some of the links Northern Girl gave above.

[.cup.car]

My husband and I don't know how to approach her with this.  She will say we are "fat shaming" her and then will shut us out.  I really don't know what that means but I do know she will shut us out of her life for a while if we broach the subject. Her boyfriend has the same experience.

What you are experiencing is something another parent went through on here earlier in the year.

The social blogging site Tumblr often spawns a lot of strange trends that are on the extreme end of political correctness. Through misinformation, guilt-tripping, and capitalizing on uneducated individuals looking for a place to belong online, these ideas are spread rapidly.

People who spread or follow these extreme nonsensical trends (in your case, "fat-shaming" are called "Social Justice Warriors" - people who believe they are standing up for an injustice in society that isn't actually there in the first place.

As a 22 year old talking to someone much older who doesn't understand this strange phenomenon, I can assure you that you aren't doing anything wrong. Gaining 100+ pounds is indeed extremely unhealthy and not something to be proud of. Your daughter has simply bought into a nonsensical trend on the internet.

"Fat-shaming" is a term created by Social Justice Warriors to avoid the responsibility to actually take proper care of their body and instead victimize themselves by pretending they're discriminated against like an ethnic group.