The Babadook

[Dev]

I watched the horror film The Babadook last night, and while I don't want to spoil it for anyone I will say it uses the idea of a monster in the darkness being a metaphor or symbol of mental illness, or the darker side of one's Self. The main characters of the film are a grieving widow mother and her son, and it traces the mother's slow descent into psychosis as they are tormented by the monstrous Babadook.

Has anyone else seen The Babadook yet?

There was one line that hit me right in the guts. During a climactic fight, as the son pleads with the now-unhinged mother not to let the Babadook win, he says, "I know you don't love me, Mum. The Babadook won't let you. But I love you."



For the sake of my fiance (who was watching it with me) I kept my composure but I really wanted to cry hysterically. I've recently began thinking of my mother and her BPD as two separate entities, because I really struggle telling others about all the awful things she has said and done over the years, while also trying to explain that I know she is a good person and I love her. I've started to imagine my "real" mother - a strong, funny, playful, creative and loving woman - is being held hostage by the BPD, and unfortunately the BPD is stronger.

It's like my mother has her very own Babadook haunting her. And she can't love me because it won't let her.

[Heldfast]

Not seen. But there are many movies now, or books that trigger me. I just read Breakfast at Tiffany's, Holly Golightly is definitely a BPD. Harry Potter may be as well. Once you know what it is, the red flags are so damn easy to spot. Wish I'd known what they were before.

[Harri]

Hi Dev.  I have not seen the movie but that is an interesting line you quoted.  BPD does indeed limit their ability to love in healthy ways. 

I understand the difficulty of reconciling the 'two sides' of a BPD mother.  My mother had some wonderful qualities.  She was funny as hell and so very generous.  I loved, and still love my mother, even though she did horrible things.  I also know she loved me as well.  Everything she did, she did out of her distorted version of love and what it meant to be a good mother.  She was wrong about a lot of stuff, but she thought she was doing good things. 

I think it is more important for us to be able to see them as a whole rather than two separate parts though.  It can be difficult to explain it to others, but everything about BPD is difficult.  I say that out of concern for you.  Seeing the whole picture is important for healing. 

You mentioned your finace.  Have you been able to explain your relationship with your mother to her?  Would you want to talk with her about how you felt watching that movie? 

[Dev]

It's so true, Heldfast. I didn't experience it with Harry Potter and haven't read/seen Breakfast at Tiffany's, but I was definitely triggered by Coraline (the Other Mother who wants to keep her forever - SHUDDER), Tangled ("Mother knows best!", and Where the Wild Things Are (the part where one monster flips his lid at the kid and punches a hole in the wall). It's usually children's films/books, funnily enough. Despite the triggering aspect I still enjoyed all these films including The Babadook. I think it's because I can revisit the terror of being a powerless child through the character's stories, while knowing that I am "safe" - sitting on the couch in my own home miles away from my uBPD mother. It's triggering but also in a way empowering to relive those emotions knowing that I am allowed to feel them this time, and seeing the situations for what they really are... .MESSED UP.

Harri, (just so you know, I'm a woman and my fiance is a man  ) I have been very open with my fiance regarding BPD and my relationship with my mother. He has been very supportive, although he has never met my mother hence never experienced her behaviour for himself. When I'm triggered we do discuss it (although it's usually only when I'm ready to talk about it), and it always make me feel safe and validated which is fantastic. At the moment my mother and I are NC, just because I feel safer this way. There are several factors (my upcoming wedding, I have recently began contacting family members she cut out of our life) that I think make it too dangerous to renew contact with her, although I have certainly tried to keep LC in the past. There is a time and place for reconciliation, I believe, but it doesn't feel like that time is right now.

I agree that seeing her as two separate entities is problematic of me (and even childish, in a way). I guess I am finding the NC difficult, even though it has been some time. It feels like my mother died, but it's a secret, sometimes. Like I can't talk about the grief of having lost her to other people, 'cos she hasn't really "died".  

[Harri]

Hey girl!  Ooops! and sorry.  I am glad you are able to talk with your guy and that he listens and validates you (that alone makes him a keeper!).  Congrats on your upcoming wedding and how exciting to be getting in touch with family members you never got to know before!  

No contact is difficult and I would imagine it is even more so while planning your wedding and meeting relatives.  I always think of no contact as this weird cross between worlds.  I don't think it is childish at all to want to separate your mother into a good and bad mother.  Rather, I think it is natural.  There is a sort of cognitive dissonance when trying to reconcile the two worlds and the two sides of our mothers so it is natural to try to make order out of things.  Things are further complicated as grieving something that is not finished, either by death or reconciliation, is... .well... unfinished (I can't find the right word to use here so I settled for unfinished   )

Anyway, interesting quote and movie, though I am a bit of a weenie and am too scared to watch horror movies like that.  Though i am off now to watch The Walking Dead.  Gimme zombies and gore and I am just fine with it.