Was she cheating?

[downnout98]

A few weeks before my exBPDgf broke up with me she told me how the thought of me being with another woman would drive her crazy. This of course was after some great sex that we had. Seems like that is so common with BPDs after reading so many of these posts. Long story short, she got mad at me for something really dumb and we broke up. Not long after and during the time we were working things out, she hooks up with my replacement. In a matter of a few days, the guy is practically moved in. When I brought up how she said that the thought of me being somebody would kill her, and then asked how she could do this, all she had to say was I know and I am sorry. What a kick in the groin. I'm guessing this guy has been around longer than she admits, what do you think?

[Mr Hollande]

Based on my experience I think you are right in assuming he was around for longer than she is willing to admit. .

[Matt8888]

As much as it hurts to say, it is highly likely she had this guy on the backburner for when she felt engulfed by you.  Most have many orbiters as backups.  Mine called guys she hadn't spoken to in 6 months right after she split.  They happily obliged as she is very beautiful.

The truth is, and you know it, is they can't be alone.  Period.

[raisins3142]

It's impossible to know.

As others state, most females with BPD have a lot of male "friends" and it would be interesting/horrible to know how many of those they've slept with, etc.

A lot of those guys are orbiters and someone with BPD would likely feel little guilt talking to them a few times a week to keep them on the hook (knowing the guy likes them and flirts with them), and not telling us about it at all.

[TheDude]

Well... .

Yes, you are right. She has been a serial cheater most of her adult life and I knew this going in.

You already have your own answer.

[downnout98]

You are right. I shouldn't feel surprised. She cheated before but that was about two years ago. Since then, I could never let up on giving her attention, because I knew that the minute I did, she would get it from somewhere else. I always suspected that she was meeting and keeping guys in the background just in case. It's no wonder, she would always ask  "are you mine". At first I would say that I didn't belong to anyone, that I was not a possession. Then later I mistook it for helping her with her security. Ha, just goes to show you can never give enough into what seems like a bottomless pit.

[willtimeheal]

Sorry to say she probably had the replacement lined up. When she fed you that line that she couldn't stand the thought of you with another... .She was probably already cheating.

My exBPDgf I found out after six year was a cheater and a liar. Basically every thing she told me was a lie.

[icom]

This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”

[Mr Hollande]

Yes, charming, aren't they? 

[ShadowIntheNight]

My ex used/s "semantics" about cheating. To her unless she has had sex with them she isn't cheating. In her mind, if she didn't have sex with them until she had broken up, then technically, she hadn't cheated. Never mind that she had been on dates with other men and women, had had intimate conversations with them, and lied to me about where she was and who she was with.

As my T pointed out to me last week, if she really does have BPD, and without a professional diagnosis it's mere conjecture, then she will not leave one relationship without having another one lined up.

Having experienced this, if you are here asking, there's a 97% chance that she did/is.

[OnceConfused]

My xBPDgf considered "faithful as long as there is no exchange of bodily fluids".

She kept several guys around in the background so that the moment we split, the moment she as a replacement. NO time to waste, I guess.

[icom]

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

[Matt8888]

This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”

My ex could have written that.  Her minions are here orbiters that I spoke of earlier.  She doesn't really respect any of them.  I told her when we split that I would never be one of here orbiters like all her other "friends". 

It's a know win situation.  You keep giving your love after they treat you like garbage they don't respect you.  You call them out on their crap and they can't handle the brutal truth about their true selves.

[fred6]

Yes, charming, aren't they?  

Ha ha, yes they are. In a sick sort of way. Mine was cheating on me and I caught her. Actually, she didn't seem to think that she would get caught, but she was so nonchalant about it that she was assured to get caught at some point. She wasn't very bright in that regard.

She also got pregnant with her daughter from a married man back in 2008. She always insisted that "she never wanted him". Why on earth would a person ever repeatedly have sex and get pregnant with a married man if "she never wanted him"? I don't buy it for one minute. When she tried to get child support she needed a DNA test because she was screwing another dude while she was screwing the married guy. I'm glad my life isn't that messy!

[HappyNihilist]

Serial cheaters don't typically change. And yes, a lot of times a pwBPD projects cheating behavior onto their partner. This can potentially indicate that something's going on.

It's not just the ladies, either. My exBPDbf also keeps a stable of sex minions. But these girls usually don't become girlfriends or wives (and exes don't become sex minions).

I know he was with his minions while we were together, but as for a replacement relationship? My guess is that didn't happen until very shortly before our breakup. pwBPD are reluctant to leave one attachment unless they're sure of another one.

[Blimblam]

This is lifted from a notable BPD recovery forum:







“I could find someone to sleep with, sure. I have minions for that... .but I'd like a real boyfriend... .and that's much harder, because I'm crazy... .and I kind of come off that way. Lol.

Minions are what I call the men I collected over the years, as a BPDer, that never let go... .they just wait for my phone call. It's creepy and sweet all at once... .At one point I had enough of them for someone new to buy me dinner every night for a month. I'm not sure how BPDers create such an addict kind of codependency in people, but I would love to do a study on it... .it's insanity... .

Anyway, they still exist, the ones I kept. I have like five or something now? But I try not to see them because it's obviously not healthy for them to feed that need to see me. I don't get it, anyway.”


“I use sex to control a man, and find great satisfaction in knowing that I can manipulate in this manner. I also like using my looks and personality to lure a man in, and then once he's hooked, it's like a personal victory. Then, the balloon fills too much. That man will do something that isn't what I would have wanted them to do, disappointment sets in, and then I discard them. Some of them come back time after time begging for more attention, and to have another go at things, but I've devalued them as falling under my spell, thus they must be stupid. I want someone who can call me out, and not let me get away with things, yet when I meet those people, I can't STAND not getting my way. I know, I know - CONTRADICTIONS rule my life! Errrggghhh! I even made out with a married man (pre-boyfriend of the moment) from the bank, and felt proud that I could "conquer" his marriage. Of course, what an empty victory. I could never have him (reason I wanted him), and he would never be mine, but nevertheless, it felt "safe" for me emotionally.”

Great find

And this sounds in many ways typical. 

[downnout98]

Everyday it gets better and easier to stay away. I am moving past the hate her phase,  but I think knowing that she probably was cheating on me, helps me to validate the reasons for staying away. She sent me a text about how her new guy is upset because all she does is talk about me and the life we had. I don't really buy it, but ok. I. Guess for the past year, I really wanted to believe that she would be faithful. I stopped going with her to a local business group meeting because I felt that I needed to be able to trust her. I  wanted a normal relationship. I was wrong, that is where she met the guy.

[mks10]

Honestly, when are they not cheating? This board just confirms everything I suspected and thought about my ex.

[fred6]

Honestly, when are they not cheating? This board just confirms everything I suspected and thought about my ex.

My ex used to always say, "once a cheater, always a cheater". My reply now to her is, "yes, you are". Cheating seems to be a common theme with these people. I know it doesn't help much, but take comfort in the fact that it has little to do with us and more to do with them

[Infared]

Honestly, when are they not cheating? This board just confirms everything I suspected and thought about my ex.

My ex used to always say, "once a cheater, always a cheater". My reply now to her is, "yes, you are". Cheating seems to be a common theme with these people. I know it doesn't help much, but take comfort in the fact that it has little to do with us and more to do with them

Yes!  Mine said "A zebra doesn't change its stripes!"  She was correct... .about her and her cheating. You are right... .it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with my honest, trusting, faithful heart. Nothing.    

[jhkbuzz]

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Yup.

Right before we broke up she admitted that she realized she was keeping an ex-affair partner around as her "fall back" in case we broke up. Lovely.

[BorisAcusio]

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD? Most google hits are pointing to AvPD forums. Although it's completely accurate, at the beginning of the relationship, my ex openly admitted that keeping "fall-backs" is her modus operandi.

I knew this and still thought it would be somehow different with me.

[BorisAcusio]

Working with the definition:


“Nevertheless, they will often engage in triangular marital or quasi-marital relationships which provide intimacy while maintaining interpersonal distance. These individuals like to foster secret liaisons as a "fall-back" position in case the key relationship does not work out (Benjamin, 1983, pp. 307-308).”

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD? Most google hits are pointing to AvPD forums. Although it's completely accurate, at the beginning of the relationship, my ex openly admitted that keeping "fall-backs" is her modus operandi.

I knew this and still thought it would be somehow different with me.

Looking back, I though it was a sign of honesty, change, and a signal that I'm special to her. Why on earth would she tell me about previous infidelity and the use of "fall-backs"? 2010 has the answer:

Borderlines dont value privacy because they dont understand what it means. There's a reason you know about these other romances as the failure of them was useful to recruit you as "someone special." You were placed on the front burner while this other person was placed on the back and likely switched back and forth without your knowledge.

I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy.

[Infared]

"I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy."

Giant    's!

They would read your diary, too and not think twice about it. 

[icom]

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD?

Yes, as fearful avoidance is the subset attachment style. 

[raisins3142]

I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy.

It is as if they are socially retarded or just don't care or entitled or something... .I don't know.

The first time my ex was over, I saw her randomly open a few drawers and peek inside.  These were not kitchen drawers that are usually considered less private but in my office and bedroom.  That was the type of thing my friends and I did as little kids when they'd ask "mind if I look around your room" and peer in a few drawers to see your stuff.  She did this right in front of me as if it were no big deal.

Once I was at work and as I was coming home I texted her.  She replied "I'm just busying cleaning up your office".  I said "please stop, you were never given permission to do that and that is disrespectful".  She replied "I only swept up and took out the garbage, I didn't go through your stuff, I'm not that stupid."  Well you can likely guess what happened, and this is almost comical.  She had organized everything and gone through all my stuff.  When I saw this I said "I thought you did not go through my things".  Her reply was "I found some empty packs of cigarettes in one of your drawers, so I had to go through all of them in order to finish taking out all the trash."

Mind you, we did not live together and had been going out less than 6 months and she had no permission to do something like this.  And my office is large with tons of drawers and other things she had to go through to try to find another empty pack of smokes.

It's like she was trying to make me angry.

I told my good friend about this and he asked "is this girl stupid?"

[Infared]

I had an another glimpse into the lack of privacy when we had our first date at my place. While I prepared  dinner for us she was literally rummaging my bedroom. I found her reading old postcards from 20 years ago, with a big smile on her face. She guilelessly did not understand what was the problem with invading someone else's privacy.

It is as if they are socially retarded or just don't care or entitled or something... .I don't know.

The first time my ex was over, I saw her randomly open a few drawers and peek inside.  These were not kitchen drawers that are usually considered less private but in my office and bedroom.  That was the type of thing my friends and I did as little kids when they'd ask "mind if I look around your room" and peer in a few drawers to see your stuff.  She did this right in front of me as if it were no big deal.

Once I was at work and as I was coming home I texted her.  She replied "I'm just busying cleaning up your office".  I said "please stop, you were never given permission to do that and that is disrespectful".  She replied "I only swept up and took out the garbage, I didn't go through your stuff, I'm not that stupid."  Well you can likely guess what happened, and this is almost comical.  She had organized everything and gone through all my stuff.  When I saw this I said "I thought you did not go through my things".  Her reply was "I found some empty packs of cigarettes in one of your drawers, so I had to go through all of them in order to finish taking out all the trash."

Mind you, we did not live together and had been going out less than 6 months and she had no permission to do something like this.  And my office is large with tons of drawers and other things she had to go through to try to find another empty pack of smokes.

It's like she was trying to make me angry.

I told my good friend about this and he asked "is this girl stupid?"

I have to tell this story here... .it's too good not to... .it involves Instant Karma!... .

So... once, after sex... .she was soo full of herself and arrogant (superior tone of voice she said "wasn't that the BEST sex you ever had?)... ick... .so... .I just could not stroke that ego and I said... ."well there was this GoGo girl, once... um".    Now mind you I adored this woman, truly and was nothing but faithful to her and reinforced that always.

Fast forward 2months and I walk into my office one fray in my stocking feet and find her going thru my Rolodex (yes... .I am eccentric) ... .What the heck?... .Not a bit of guilt on her part and she turns and says to me "Who is CINDY?"

Well... .she deserved it... .so I just HAD to reply brutally honestly... ."Well... .remember that GoGo girl that I mentioned a couple of months ago? I guess that will teach you not to go thru my things... .now won't it! BTW... .I have not called that number in years!" 

No respect... .she got just what she deserved.

[willtimeheal]

Mine used to say to me "I hate cheaters and liars."  Funny... .She was both. I now realize when ever she said that phrase she was either in the middle of telling me a lie, cheating on me, or both.

[downnout98]

Love the story of the gogo girl. Thank you!

[Blimblam]

Are you sure it was specifically written about borderline PD?

Yes, as fearful avoidance is the subset attachment style. 

At the core of the disorder is the fear of abandonmen and fear of engulfment. This create a mixed anxious and avoidant attachment style.