Surprise party for pwBPD

[Jessica84]

I'm planning a surprise birthday party for my uBPDbf this weekend. His suicide ideation is back and he told me yesterday it was getting worse and more intense - both the fatigue and the depression. He is calling his doctor today. I really want him to see how many people care about him. Besides, he loves being the center of attention. I think I can get 20-30 people to come.

Problem is... .how do I get him there? How do you plan ANYTHING around someone with erratic and unpredictable moods? I know he would enjoy a big fuss made over him, but getting him there will all depend on his mood on Friday.

His friend is going to schedule a meeting with him on Friday at 4pm. But if he tries to cancel last-minute, as he so often does, then what? Convincing him to do anything he doesn't want to do never works - but if this is a surprise and he's the guest of honor with a group of friends waiting on him, what do we do? I can always tell him about it but tell him to act surprised? I know that ruins the surprise, but a party is a party and I think this will help lift his mood, even if only temporarily.

Any advice?

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[MaroonLiquid]

Honestly, it probably wouldn't be a good idea.  I would "un"surprise him and tell him.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm planning a surprise birthday party for my uBPDbf this weekend. His suicide ideation is back and he told me yesterday it was getting worse and more intense - both the fatigue and the depression. He is calling his doctor today. I really want him to see how many people care about him. Besides, he loves being the center of attention. I think I can get 20-30 people to come.

Problem is... .how do I get him there? How do you plan ANYTHING around someone with erratic and unpredictable moods? I know he would enjoy a big fuss made over him, but getting him there will all depend on his mood on Friday.

His friend is going to schedule a meeting with him on Friday at 4pm. But if he tries to cancel last-minute, as he so often does, then what? Convincing him to do anything he doesn't want to do never works - but if this is a surprise and he's the guest of honor with a group of friends waiting on him, what do we do? I can always tell him about it but tell him to act surprised? I know that ruins the surprise, but a party is a party and I think this will help lift his mood, even if only temporarily.

Any advice?

I like the idea that you are trying to make a big deal for him... .but it's my experience that BPD and surprises do not mix. :/

[Jessica84]

Sigh. I'm an event planner, but this one is giving me anxiety!

Why do they make it so hard to do nice things for them?

[Notwendy]

My H would implode at a surprise party.

I think he would like the attention, but doesn't like surprises at all. I think he would rather be prepared for it. Is there some way to make an element of the party a surprise but not the party- like having some gift he wants, a cute slide show of events in his life, something entertaining but just not the whole thing.

[MaroonLiquid]

Sigh. I'm an event planner, but this one is giving me anxiety!

Why do they make it so hard to do nice things for them?

Honestly, I believe with my wife it is to keep her victimhood status at times.  I have always given my wife nice gifts (and she has accepted them gratefully until now) because I wanted to make my wife feel special as her ex husband never did much nice for her.  I got her a beautiful bracelet this past Christmas and she said she couldn't accept it because of our "current situation" but "wanted the money to pay a bill".  I told her no and took it back.  She was pissed to say the least and I got the good silent treatment over that but didn't bend.  I think she thought by not accepting it, she could tell everyone what a horrible person I was for not getting her anything and she still wouldn't pay the bill.  Best of both worlds.

[ColdEthyl]

Sigh. I'm an event planner, but this one is giving me anxiety!

Why do they make it so hard to do nice things for them?

I think part of it is exactly what Maroon said. I'm not sure if they are trying to stay in victim mode, though. Rather, I think they just never left it.

[maxsterling]

Surprises and my wife = BIG NO NO!  If I hint that there might be a surprise, she will anxiously worry about it until she melts down.  If I give her a surprise, I am more than likely to face blame that the surprise caused her anxiety and that I should plan things ahead with her first.

She even gets mad if I go to the supermarket and buy things without her knowledge.

[Notwendy]

Oh the supermarket thing. Yes, if I bought something that my mom didn't approve of ahead of time, she'd have a fit. Sometimes she'd go so far as to throw it away.

[maxsterling]

Me buying pork chops caused a huge strife.  Not that I hadn't bought and cooked pork chops before... .

[Jessica84]

He's asked me for the last few weeks what I've planned for his birthday... like a child. I told him I couldn't plan anything until I knew his schedule, but decided to start planning a small party for him after all. Then he had a meltdown on Friday and now is barely speaking to me. Great timing. I think it works well that his friend is the one setting him up, and not me. He's a lot less likely to go off on him. I also think once the party is over, he'll be glad he went. Maybe if he tries to back out of going to the "meeting" I can tell his friend it's ok to leak about the surprise... .whatever it takes to get him there!

[Jessica84]

Me buying pork chops caused a huge strife.  Not that I hadn't bought and cooked pork chops before... .

Oh yeah. I got the wrong fast food order before. You'd think I stabbed a kitten... .

Now I make sure to check the bag thoroughly before driving away!

[ColdEthyl]

Me buying pork chops caused a huge strife.  Not that I hadn't bought and cooked pork chops before... .

Oh yeah. I got the wrong fast food order before. You'd think I stabbed a kitten... .

Now I make sure to check the bag thoroughly before driving away!

Oh man. One of my first lessons. My H threw a fit because they didn't out cheese on his burger... .and obviously I didn't care enough about him to check. I mean... .epic fit. One of the first times I was like... .ok... .wth is with this dude... .

He's asked me for the last few weeks what I've planned for his birthday... like a child. I told him I couldn't plan anything until I knew his schedule, but decided to start planning a small party for him after all. Then he had a meltdown on Friday and now is barely speaking to me. Great timing. I think it works well that his friend is the one setting him up, and not me. He's a lot less likely to go off on him. I also think once the party is over, he'll be glad he went. Maybe if he tries to back out of going to the "meeting" I can tell his friend it's ok to leak about the surprise... .whatever it takes to get him there!

He is less likely to go off if it's a friend but... .oh boy. I don't know. I hate holidays/birthdays just because of the weirdness he get around them.

[maxsterling]

He's asked me for the last few weeks what I've planned for his birthday... like a child. I told him I couldn't plan anything until I knew his schedule, but decided to start planning a small party for him after all. Then he had a meltdown on Friday and now is barely speaking to me. Great timing. I think it works well that his friend is the one setting him up, and not me. He's a lot less likely to go off on him. I also think once the party is over, he'll be glad he went. Maybe if he tries to back out of going to the "meeting" I can tell his friend it's ok to leak about the surprise... .whatever it takes to get him there!

This is EXACTLY the same scenario I face over and over.  She wants something, does the whole emotional manipulation dance, I want to surprise her, she starts freaking out in anticipation, then I wind up having to tell her, and then she is mad about that, and finally shame that she ruined her own surprise.  Lesson learned, DON'T TRY SURPRISES WITH PWBPD!  It's a complete no-win, every single time.

[Notwendy]

But they love the attention of a party. I threw a large anniversary party for my parents, but it was not a surprise. However, for weeks my mom called obsessing about all the details, making sure I had everything she wanted- even though I was planning and paying for it. She did enjoy the party though.

LOL Max, the pork chops. As my dad got older, he wasn't able to go out and get some of his favorite treats unless mom approved. When we visited, we'd sneak them in to him, and hide them. It isn't about the food, but control, and maintaining control is one way they manage anxiety.

[Jessica84]

Max-- you're scaring me!    Problem in the past is I've noticed that after his bbay is over, he gets really, really down if it came and went without some kind of production being made of it. I would take him to a nice dinner, give him a nice gift (usually something he loved), but it was like it wasn't enough. I could tell he wanted something more.

Even sadder is I'm the only one who gave him anything. His family sent cards and called him, but none of his friends remembered. That's why I thought to do a party. To remind his self-absorbed friends! And to make him feel special.

[Jessica84]

OK, I've talked to 5 of his friends so far. They shared the same concerns about how he might react to a "surprise". Basically, not good. And 4 out of 5 think it will be impossible to count on him to stick to any plan anyway. LOL

The good news is they're all on board! We decided that one of us will tell him about it the day before. We'll decide who on Wednesday night (each of us knows that one of us could very well be in the doghouse by then! So it will be whoever he isn't mad at that day... LOL) A day's notice gives him enough time to move appointments but not all week to fret over it and build his anxiety.

In the meantime, I've got each of these people contacting others to invite. I've got the time, date and place all set. I'm glad to have a team now. I feel less alone pondering all the what-if's in my head of how he's going to foil this plan! Ordering a cake and appetizers is the easy part.