Taking a closer look...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

It's been a while, I've been to therapy and plan on continuing.

So I'm assessing where I am in one of those "stages of grief." I was in denial for a while, and I think I may have passed anger. Not sure if I'm done with bargaining and depression though.

I've been having thoughts like ":)amnit, if only I showed more compassion." or "If only I just got my head out of my own ___, maybe she'd still be here." But I was too blinded by anger, and there was definitely depression mixed in. There was resentment. Although I'm aware she'd never have me now, that part hurts too. I look to hindsight and think that I should have done things differently but it doesn't work that way. Lately I've started to look back at all the good things and have started to think "Maybe all the bad crap was worth it. If I could just let her do her thing, and always be there then maybe things would go smoother, she'd still at least to some capacity be with me. For someone like me, this is as good as it can get." Is this healthy? I often wonder if I really deserve someone whom I clicked with like I did with her, but without all the bad stuff. Philosophically, I believe no one really "deserves" anything, and even if they do it is irrelevant. But on another level I really wonder if it's something that's in the cards for me. But no one can answer that.

None of this is normal is it? My thought patterns, my way of looking at the situation. As I type it all, I'm beginning to see that all this is wrong somehow. It's not in that "everyone is different" sort of way. Either that or it's narcissism clashing with particularly low self-esteem, forming some weird combination of "I'm special" and "I'm worthless." She didn't do this to me, I know that now. It was always there, beneath the surface. This inability to really "be part of" the rest of the species. Not because I'm better, but because I was made wrong somehow, something either faulty in my programming or a series of events that brought me here.

The intensity of the relationship helped me see that I analyze to death, I look at all sorts of factors. While a normal person would react with anger at being cheated on, I react by trying to figure out what possible reasons one would have, then take actual measurements to assess whether the behavior was triggered by factor A or B, or C or... .it goes on. Weigh the factors, numbers, and account for "self-measurement bias." I don't think I know anyone who measures themselves for symmetry and does the math to get a feel for "why she did it." No, people get hurt, they feel sad and they either walk away or forgive. They don't make "calculations" in their heads. I'm not autistic, and I'm not on the spectrum, I'd have been diagnosed by now. This relationship helped me see that my response to certain events just don't quite fit, at least as far as I'm aware. Hearing "I love you" was always in my mind followed with dozens of questions (again,taking numerous factors into account,)  which all hoped to answer the one thing, and that is "Am I Worthy?" Not sure if anyone else feels or thinks this way. Maybe what it boils down to is I'm trying to make sense of all the chaos. I'm desperately trying to put order where there is none, and can't be any.

I always entertain the possibility that everyone already went through this phase, is over it and there's a certain silent rule that you don't talk about it. No one wants to say anything because all I'm doing is spouting the kind of insanity you hear a homeless person go on about. You know, everyone is in on it but you. That sort of thing.  

I need some feedback. As far as I'm aware (and can remember) I don't know anyone who shares these thoughts (or again, maybe you're all here all along and I'm too damn egotistical that I don't even notice.) I don't expect answers, but maybe someone can help me understand what I'm going through because I'm not sure anymore of what it all is. The dysfunctional person in my life is gone, but I'm starting to wonder if she was more sane than I am.

[Vatz]

It's been a while, I've been to therapy and plan on continuing.

So I'm assessing where I am in one of those "stages of grief." I was in denial for a while, and I think I may have passed anger. Not sure if I'm done with bargaining and depression though.

I've been having thoughts like ":)amnit, if only I showed more compassion." or "If only I just got my head out of my own ___, maybe she'd still be here." But I was too blinded by anger, and there was definitely depression mixed in. There was resentment. Although I'm aware she'd never have me now, that part hurts too. I look to hindsight and think that I should have done things differently but it doesn't work that way. Lately I've started to look back at all the good things and have started to think "Maybe all the bad crap was worth it. If I could just let her do her thing, and always be there then maybe things would go smoother, she'd still at least to some capacity be with me. For someone like me, this is as good as it can get." Is this healthy? I often wonder if I really deserve someone whom I clicked with like I did with her, but without all the bad stuff. Philosophically, I believe no one really "deserves" anything, and even if they do it is irrelevant. But on another level I really wonder if it's something that's in the cards for me. But no one can answer that.

None of this is normal is it? My thought patterns, my way of looking at the situation. As I type it all, I'm beginning to see that all this is wrong somehow. It's not in that "everyone is different" sort of way. Either that or it's narcissism clashing with particularly low self-esteem, forming some weird combination of "I'm special" and "I'm worthless." She didn't do this to me, I know that now. It was always there, beneath the surface. This inability to really "be part of" the rest of the species. Not because I'm better, but because I was made wrong somehow, something either faulty in my programming or a series of events that brought me here.

The intensity of the relationship helped me see that I analyze to death, I look at all sorts of factors. While a normal person would react with anger at being cheated on, I react by trying to figure out what possible reasons one would have, then take actual measurements to assess whether the behavior was triggered by factor A or B, or C or... .it goes on. Weigh the factors, numbers, and account for "self-measurement bias." I don't think I know anyone who measures themselves for symmetry and does the math to get a feel for "why she did it." No, people get hurt, they feel sad and they either walk away or forgive. They don't make "calculations" in their heads. I'm not autistic, and I'm not on the spectrum, I'd have been diagnosed by now. This relationship helped me see that my response to certain events just don't quite fit, at least as far as I'm aware. Hearing "I love you" was always in my mind followed with dozens of questions (again,taking numerous factors into account,)  which all hoped to answer the one thing, and that is "Am I Worthy?" Not sure if anyone else feels or thinks this way. Maybe what it boils down to is I'm trying to make sense of all the chaos. I'm desperately trying to put order where there is none, and can't be any.

I always entertain the possibility that everyone already went through this phase, is over it and there's a certain silent rule that you don't talk about it. No one wants to say anything because all I'm doing is spouting the kind of insanity you hear a homeless person go on about. You know, everyone is in on it but you. That sort of thing.  

I need some feedback. As far as I'm aware (and can remember) I don't know anyone who shares these thoughts (or again, maybe you're all here all along and I'm too damn egotistical that I don't even notice.) I don't expect answers, but maybe someone can help me understand what I'm going through because I'm not sure anymore of what it all is. The dysfunctional person in my life is gone, but I'm starting to wonder if she was more sane than I am.

[Pingo]

Hi Vatz,

I don't think you are as different from many others here as you might think you are.  I can relate to some of the stuff you are saying, especially that part that analyzes everything to death.  Could it be possible that you do this as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling the pain?  I ask because this is what I do.  It's a way to distract and also numb from the hurt I should be feeling. If you are busy analyzing why she would cheat on you, you are not allowing yourself to feel the full weight of what she did. Maybe as a way to protect yourself.  Or maybe a way to try to find a semblance of control?  As you say, 'trying to make sense of the chaos'?

[Vatz]

Hi Vatz,

I don't think you are as different from many others here as you might think you are.  I can relate to some of the stuff you are saying, especially that part that analyzes everything to death.  Could it be possible that you do this as a coping mechanism to avoid feeling the pain?  I ask because this is what I do.  It's a way to distract and also numb from the hurt I should be feeling. If you are busy analyzing why she would cheat on you, you are not allowing yourself to feel the full weight of what she did. Maybe as a way to protect yourself.  Or maybe a way to try to find a semblance of control?  As you say, 'trying to make sense of the chaos'?

See, that's what I was hoping to hear. That what it is I'm thinking and feeling isn't all that different, that there really are others like me. I don't want to feel alone in this, it's hard when your mind works this way and you don't know if anyone else shares this.

As for it being a coping mechanism, to avoid feeling the pain? That makes me wonder. But, the pain is there and this "coping mechanism" isn't really doing anything for me. It's not keeping me from feeling it, and even if it does that just makes me anxious, makes me believe that this was as good as I can do. It's as if I was in some way justifying her behavior.

Thank you for your insight.

[chronsweet]

Vatz - I over-analyze everything to death too.  Maybe if I did this differently, there would be a different result.

Example: I ruined another good chance at getting to know a nice guy, and I became obsessive and needy.  I over-analyzed it to the point that he was like, 'woah, this isn't going to work'. I use all kinds of coping mechanisms and actually self-prophesy failure of relationships to the point where I am starting to wonder if I subconsciously do it on purpose.

Were you raised in a BPD environment?

[enlighten me]

Hi vatz

I too can relate to what your saying. I did the same and realised I was just extending the denial phase. It must be me because she is not a bad person. I didnt deserve so it didnt work etc etc.

Even though theres four stages of healing it doesnt mean you do them in order or they are exclusive. You can jump back from anger to denial and have barely toched anger.

Just out of interest what vocation do you do? Im an engineer and find im very analytical. I also have a mechanical mind (one of the seven learning methods) so need to see the gears turn. Ive noticed a lot of engineers on hre who over analyse like me.

[Vatz]

Hi vatz

I too can relate to what your saying. I did the same and realised I was just extending the denial phase. It must be me because she is not a bad person. I didnt deserve so it didnt work etc etc.

Even though theres four stages of healing it doesnt mean you do them in order or they are exclusive. You can jump back from anger to denial and have barely toched anger.

Just out of interest what vocation do you do? Im an engineer and find im very analytical. I also have a mechanical mind (one of the seven learning methods) so need to see the gears turn. Ive noticed a lot of engineers on hre who over analyse like me.

Nope. Not an engineer. At the moment I have two part time jobs and putting money away to take courses and get certified as a personal trainer. Working on my own fitness as well.

I'm trying to put my life back together after four years of my time with her.

Also, I'm not sure if anyone else shares this experience, but did anyone else lose track of life while with their BPDSO?

[enlighten me]

Personal trainer fits with engineer. Its all about how things fit and are supposed to work. Used to do a lot of fitness stuff myself and really related to the mechanics of it so maybe you are mechanically minded and thats why you seek these answers.

I would be interested if anyone else is familiar to the seven types of learning and what type they are. I wonder how the different types cope. Probably something for a different post.

[christin5433]

Hi Vatz,

I'm in a post b/u of a little over a month. What a range of stages daily. What I do every morning is read some type of positive affirmation on my day. I also acknowledge what my feeling is. Once again mine this morning is anger... .That's been my strongest and depression. Denial bargaining and acceptance threads through my day... .My thoughts ... .My feelings. I really love the acceptance feeling its in such small dosages but I know I did my best in my r/s and I know I was blamed w much projection, and I know she wouldn't ever see that she had intimacy issues. Which made me needy. It's not all her fault she has a disorder. But I'm not a needy person 24/7 I did have needs and it's hard to live w abuse and fear if ones moods. I probably could have caved in too... I've had those bargaining  thoughts... .I did that last feb 2014... .I was in a huge cycle of control , abuse , and triangulation . I caved in that feb. I was spit on hit and she put someone above me to show me her control... Along w much verbal crap. I still caved in like a salivating dog. I swore I wouldn't ever do that again. Yes I did her rewarded after in feb later like a dog too. Treat time.  I laughed writing that. A lot if us are hurting keep going through your feelings that's what I'm told... .The light is at the end of the tunnel . Time is the factor

[Hope0807]

Hey Vatz,

I'm putting my life back together after SEVEN years.  Ugh.  Best of luck on the fitness training route, it's nice to read you're taking charge of your own healing through fitness…it's a life saver!

As for "losing track of life"…OMG OMG YESSSSS…I almost feel as if I've been asleep or in a coma for seven years.  Everything around me feels suddenly new or different in some way. 

Hi vatz

I too can relate to what your saying. I did the same and realised I was just extending the denial phase. It must be me because she is not a bad person. I didnt deserve so it didnt work etc etc.

Even though theres four stages of healing it doesnt mean you do them in order or they are exclusive. You can jump back from anger to denial and have barely toched anger.

Just out of interest what vocation do you do? Im an engineer and find im very analytical. I also have a mechanical mind (one of the seven learning methods) so need to see the gears turn. Ive noticed a lot of engineers on hre who over analyse like me.

Nope. Not an engineer. At the moment I have two part time jobs and putting money away to take courses and get certified as a personal trainer. Working on my own fitness as well.

I'm trying to put my life back together after four years of my time with her.

Also, I'm not sure if anyone else shares this experience, but did anyone else lose track of life while with their BPDSO?

[A Dad]

Just wanted to chime in and say that you are not alone in thinking like that. On finding out that my stbxw was cheating on me, the first reaction was probably shock and disbelief and I clearly remember that one of my first thoughts was - She must have been really hurting to do this!

I tried to understand why she might have done it. The anger, grief and other emotions came much later. I think a part of it is growing up not being taught how to express my emotions. I have been working on that for the past year, and feel I am going in the right direction.

[Hope0807]

I'm familiar with them www.edudemic.com/styles-of-learning/ but relate more to Howard Gardner's Multiple Intelligences theory on learning styles.  Yes, probably something for a different post

Personal trainer fits with engineer. Its all about how things fit and are supposed to work. Used to do a lot of fitness stuff myself and really related to the mechanics of it so maybe you are mechanically minded and thats why you seek these answers.

I would be interested if anyone else is familiar to the seven types of learning and what type they are. I wonder how the different types cope. Probably something for a different post.

[cloudten]

I'm trying to put my life back together after four years of my time with her.

Also, I'm not sure if anyone else shares this experience, but did anyone else lose track of life while with their BPDSO?

Yes, I lost track of my life. I lost people too. I lost relationships with my parents, my sister, my friends. I lost my religion. I lost my hobbies. I even gradually stopped working out. I gave it all up trying to make him happy. I didn't lose my relationship with my daughter---- but it certainly suffered. i was not as present of a mother as I should have been.

In my recovery, I have rebuilt everything. I rebuilt the relationship with my parents and sister, I have new friends since I lost most of my old ones. I am working on the religion. I am working on my hobbies. And getting back to the gym has been the hardest. But loving my daughter has been the easiest and fastest to return!

Best wishes!