Employment for BPD son

[marie1057]

I was wondering if it's uncommon for young adults with BPD to not retain employment. Since my 23 year old quit another job two weeks ago, he hasn't attempted to even look for employment. I am worried the longer he waits the less likely he will be up to it, but I don't want to force the issue. He has about two months worth of bill money saved up. He doesn't even leave the house.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JRT]

My ex is certainly a pwBPD... .her 18 year old son, I am not sure about but I suspect is also BPD any God knows what else... .however, he IS a mess like I have never seen in a young man... .though highly intelligent, he BARELY graduated from a special at risk program that essentially walks troubled students through a cakewalk regimen; you almost have to work hard to not graduate!

He got his first job at 16 as a dishwasher... .they gave him less and less hours until he never appeared on the schedule again... .then a job at a sandwich shop; the same thing after a month or so (my cousin was his boss... .she didn't tell me at the time, but his co-workers couldn't stand him being there. He incessantly talked... .mostly about himself and pretty much demanded that they be the audience to his self entertainment)... .then another dis-washing job with the same net result... .then he took the entire summer off, and didn't bother to look for a job at all. All the while, living at home and his mother giving him all the money that he needed to hang with his GF and play video games sometimes for 8-10 hours a day!

We broke up in September, but as I understand, he similarly lost a job at a restaurant... .then a law firm that was owned by a family friend... .then another restaurant... .he was taking one course at a local community college and, apparently, failed it... .I also believe that he was thrown out of his stepdad's house and now lives with Mom again.

Not sure if this is a BPD thing... .but yours and hers seem to have this in common.

[lbjnltx]

Depends on the person.

Higher functioning people (BPD or not) have more motivation.  Their downfall is usually the relationships with other employees or staff.

Lower functioning people (BPD or not) have less motivation (greater depression). They may believe that no one will hire them because they are unworthy.

If they are young (less than 30 yrs old) they may have a sense of entitlement and not believe it necessary for them to work all the time(others will pick up the slack for them because they have worked in the past), and/or engage in magical thinking (it will be ok/a job will come my way/when I'm ready I will get the first job I apply for).

Does any of this apply to your son?

[JRT]

That third scenario seems to apply well to my ex's son... .he would push out one application and be amazed that he was not hired. It also didn't seem to bother him at all that he would get fired... .or that he wasn't getting along with people... .

[MammaMia]

It is very common for pwBPD (low functioning mostly) to flutter from job to job.  My 40 yo BPDs has not held a job for more than 3 weeks since high school.  He always feels people are watching him and judging him and that the positions he is hired for are all beneath his abilities.  He struggles to concentrate because of anxiety and is no longer able to perform highly physical jobs.  Can't stand people.  Needs to work alone. Working from home has failed. While he is highly intelligent and innovative, he is incapable of harnessing his skills in a positive way.

These are all BPD traits.  High functioning pwBPD do better but are often unhappy in whatever they pursue.

When my son tells me he is unable to work, I understand that it is not an excuse to be lazy.  He feels worthless because of it, yet refuses disability because he has a dual diagnosis.  So, that means the financial burden falls on "The Bank of Mom" which in turn generates more feelings of anger and poor self-worth.  I might add that it is financially destructive to parents and caregivers as well.  More guilt. 

This is a difficult situation for everyone involved.  Please know it is very, very common.

[Mama-san]

What you have described, Marie1057, is the norm for many pwBPD.

Ditto all that has been said re levels of functioning, anxiety, interpersonal skills... . 

I would add that sitting around, isolating, sleeping excessively were all prominent with our DD36 when not working.  The anxiety of the job hunt was paralyzing-  what if she didn't get an interview?  What if she DID get an interview?  There was anxiety over what the family was saying about her.  Lying around the house fed the self perception of being a failure. 

When we think about the shame, guilt, fear, anger the pwBPD typically experiences it's no wonder they have difficulty stepping back into the work force.

I wonder if a volunteer 'job' could help fill the void and also build some self-confidence?

[marie1057]

My son does think he can get another job easily with just one interview but he says he isn't ready to get another job yet. However all his jobs have come from friends or family putting in a good word for him. He does feel like people are judging him and watching his every move when he works. He tries reading other people's minds and I believe he perceives they are thinking negatively of him because he always talks about that. He never asserts himself when he has a problem or complaint at work. He just lets his perceptions fester until one day he explodes and quits. He quit college in the fourth year because he didn't know what career path he wanted. I think he may be ashamed because all his friends have graduated or started families and so he ended the longtime relationships. He says he isn't depressed even though he seldom leaves the house and sleeps all day. I am still working on being patient, listening and validating hoping he will see a doctor. He doesn't communicate his feelings except the anger.

[Thursday]

Hi Marie-

I truly understand your worry. My BPDSD23 is currently employed but it was well over a year of doing pretty much NOTHING about getting a job before she finally motivated herself.

Mama-san- so spot on!

Lying around the house fed the self perception of being a failure. 

When we think about the shame, guilt, fear, anger the pwBPD typically experiences it's no wonder they have difficulty stepping back into the work force.

For awhile SD sold her plasma to afford her cigarettes and gasoline. She turned to ?borrowing?, begging, and complaining/pouting  until someone gave her money.  It wasn't until she had really frustrated and burned out those who were willing to be borrowed from, begged at, complained against before she knew her time was UP. The way people were responding to her (negatively) and hearing this even from her biggest enablers/fans was actually a decent motivator for her.

The family member with whom she lives quit giving her money about nine months prior to her finding the job and we had cut her off from financial support a full year before this. So, as you can see, the hold that the anxiety had on her was significant.

One thing that has helped me in dealing with this aspect of her personality is to understand that she gets all caught up in the negative dialog going on in her head. I can't talk her out of it. For her the anxiety of going out and looking for a job super-ceded her need for money so long as she had any chance of someone giving her a little bit of money. I'm sure there were days when she had  to bum every cig she smoked and days when she didn't have enough gas money to go anywhere.

You say you don't want to force the issue - what would be forcing the issue and why do you want to avoid this? What will you do once he runs out of bill-paying money. I guess I wouldn't worry too much until he is actually out of money- sometimes kids really procrastinate in a way that would make us lose sleep but for them, they are "like what is the big deal anyway?" 

In our situation, SD has to fully understand the consequences of her behavior before she can motivate herself to make a change. Once she can motivate herself the kudos are hers and it boosts her self-esteem to succeed in this REAL way.

She can really get negative in her own head and will go out on all sorts of limbs to avoid throwing fuel on her low self-esteem. Everyone in her life (for the most part) had to get on the same page... .there was never a meeting or anything but one by one everyone got sick of watching her sleep all day and then worry about not having a job until the weekend. And everyone got sick of watching their hard earned money going to cigarettes to burn and gasoline to fuel her fun times (visiting with friends).

She did finally get off her bed and got a great job that she still has- great in terms of the paycheck. She got this job once she truly started looking for a job in earnest.  From time to time she will talk about furthering her education or giving something else a try but from the comfort of her life as it is now, she probably won't go out on much of a limb and take a chance on failing (and thus feeling bad about herself). We give her lots of verbal support when she talks about change but we don't pressure her.

Best of luck to you and your son... .

thursday