I cheated, trying to find a way to move forward and understand her reaction

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am feeling a lot of shame and unhappiness about my stupid behavior.  Trying to self examine and use this as a growth opportunity instead of beating myself up about this.  That's not what this post is about though.

This post is about my uBPD wife and her feelings and how to try to heal this.  She did not react to this at all how I imagined.  She has been very matter-of-fact and level headed.  I was expecting a blow up to happen or some big drama or some impetus to start CT or working on better communications but instead it feels like we are just coasting along in the exact same rut as before I told her.  I think maybe she is afraid to lose her co-dependent supply and support and so is not expressing her feelings to me?

I have been trying to give her a lot of affection and reassurances about my feelings for her (that I love her, that I care about her) as this seems to be what she needs right now - I'm sure this has triggered abandonment fears though there is no way I will ever have contact with the other woman again.  She is very depressed and sullen about this, but this isn't all that different from before.  She sometimes tries baiting behavior to start petty arguments, but this isn't that different from before.

In a weird way, I feel like now at least her behavior makes sense because I finally did something horrible that deserves this treatment from her.

I'm sorry if this is upsetting to people, so many of us here have dealt with the other side of infidelity and I don't mean to trigger anyone, just looking for a safe space to talk about this.

[adventurer]

I am feeling a lot of shame and unhappiness about my stupid behavior.  Trying to self examine and use this as a growth opportunity instead of beating myself up about this.  That's not what this post is about though.

This post is about my uBPD wife and her feelings and how to try to heal this.  She did not react to this at all how I imagined.  She has been very matter-of-fact and level headed.  I was expecting a blow up to happen or some big drama or some impetus to start CT or working on better communications but instead it feels like we are just coasting along in the exact same rut as before I told her.  I think maybe she is afraid to lose her co-dependent supply and support and so is not expressing her feelings to me?

I have been trying to give her a lot of affection and reassurances about my feelings for her (that I love her, that I care about her) as this seems to be what she needs right now - I'm sure this has triggered abandonment fears though there is no way I will ever have contact with the other woman again.  She is very depressed and sullen about this, but this isn't all that different from before.  She sometimes tries baiting behavior to start petty arguments, but this isn't that different from before.

In a weird way, I feel like now at least her behavior makes sense because I finally did something horrible that deserves this treatment from her.

I'm sorry if this is upsetting to people, so many of us here have dealt with the other side of infidelity and I don't mean to trigger anyone, just looking for a safe space to talk about this.

[Matt8888]

It's funny... .  You would think that after a big event like this that they would go off the rails and dysregulate and with finally a legitimate cause.  But I found when I couldn't take it anymore and didn't care, she would treat me better.  Weird huh? 

Mine went through my phone and read some not too flattering texts about her behavior to my brother and some other friends.  Thought for sure she'd end it then, but she didn't.  She was afraid I was gonna leave her.  But when I assure her of my devotion and that I would do anything for her, she bolts.

I'm not judging you for the infidelity... .  she probably made your life such a living hell that you wanted anything but her. 

Ironically, your infidelity may cause her to stay.  What do you want?

[adventurer]

Ironically, your infidelity may cause her to stay.  What do you want?

Undecided   

I would love to see her trying to become a 50% partner in our relationship.  I would also like to see her get a job so that I don't carry all the financial burden.  If it is at all possible for this to happen, I believe I've changed and learned enough to be able to handle her provocations, silent treatments and neurotic tics.

6 months ago, when I laid out what I need for this relationship to remain viable for me, she came down with a mysterious case of vertigo which incapacitates her regularly.  I really don't know what to think (real or psychosomatic?) but I am working to overcome all the guilt I feel about wanting to leave.  She has made herself so dependent on me it's depressing (to her as well I think).  She did a good job of finding a sucker (me) that she could manipulate and burden for many years, I imagine she could find another if necessary.

[workinprogress]

Ironically, your infidelity may cause her to stay.  What do you want?

Undecided   

I would love to see her trying to become a 50% partner in our relationship.  I would also like to see her get a job so that I don't carry all the financial burden.  If it is at all possible for this to happen, I believe I've changed and learned enough to be able to handle her provocations, silent treatments and neurotic tics.

6 months ago, when I laid out what I need for this relationship to remain viable for me, she came down with a mysterious case of vertigo which incapacitates her regularly.  I really don't know what to think (real or psychosomatic?) but I am working to overcome all the guilt I feel about wanting to leave.  She has made herself so dependent on me it's depressing (to her as well I think).  She did a good job of finding a sucker (me) that she could manipulate and burden for many years, I imagine she could find another if necessary.

Adventurer, by making herself so dependent on you, she is holding you captive.

I'm not sure what to tell you.  I will tell you from years of self-sacrifice and mistakes in my own life, do what is right for you.

[Michelle27]

I began disconnecting years ago and ended up doing the same last year unfortunately. Ironically it was right around the time I sat him down and told him exactly what it was I needed from him after years of being his caretaker.  I'm not proud of the fact that I did what I did but it did teach me some things, and him finding out what (I think) what spurred him to finally seek help and start working on his stuff.  And he also admitted to an affair and trying to start another one 6 months ago.  So we've got the double whammy of bringing out his BPD issues to get them sorted out and both of us having gone outside the marriage as well as others.  I'm not sure we're going to make it either, but I have committed to a certain length of time to see how sincere his efforts are and of course, doing a lot of work on myself.

I know people judge harshly, and I hesitated replying to your post because of it, but yes, sometimes even good people take the wrong fork in the road in their efforts to cope. 

[workinprogress]

I've cheated also, for about 2 months.  I hate that it happened.

I found myself so deprived of any connection with her that I couldn't resist the overtures of another woman.

Prior to that, I didn't even look at other women because I knew I was susceptible.  Now, I have returned to "averting" my eyes and trying to work things out.

I don't know if a life of celibacy is worth it.

[Michelle27]

That's what it was for me.  After almost 8 years with emotional abuse and lack of any progress toward resolution, I was so starved for emotional support and connection.  I do have a lot of guilt and wish that I could have left first.  Ironically, it was the affair that brought me to the point of being able to clearly state my boundaries with my husband and make it clear that I will not stay indefinitely while he continues to abuse me emotionally and ignore getting treatment for himself. 

My husband reaction was odd too... .he actually wanted to speak to the other man and went onto THANK him for being there for me when he couldn't... .so weird.

[workinprogress]

That's what it was for me.  After almost 8 years with emotional abuse and lack of any progress toward resolution, I was so starved for emotional support and connection.  I do have a lot of guilt and wish that I could have left first.  Ironically, it was the affair that brought me to the point of being able to clearly state my boundaries with my husband and make it clear that I will not stay indefinitely while he continues to abuse me emotionally and ignore getting treatment for himself. 

My husband reaction was odd too... .he actually wanted to speak to the other man and went onto THANK him for being there for me when he couldn't... .so weird.

My affair was very eye opening to me.  Looking back, I am sure that the woman was BPD, but it was so nice to have someone express an interest in how I felt.  It had been so long... .

Now, I am really trying to learn from the experience and how I failed.  I will say this, I compromised my values when the affair happened, but I now realize that I have been compromising my values and what I truly wanted my whole life.  I am beginning again in a way.

[adventurer]

I will say this, I compromised my values when the affair happened, but I now realize that I have been compromising my values and what I truly wanted my whole life.  I am beginning again in a way.

This rings very true to me, thank you.