Update-what the hell is she playing at?

[Tom P]

Hi everyone. Hope all is going well with you guys. And the healing process is going as well as can be

I thought id post an update on the situation with my BPDex fiance. As i posted earlier in the month. I was finally replaced after nearly 7 months and right in the middle of a recycle attempt (which foolishly i agreed to :-( )I have found out recently,that despite my ex's supposed intimacy issues,and problems with sex (which was the party line for her,before and after the break up,as well as right up until our current NC situation) She went up country and stayed with my replacement in his hometown for a week after meeting him. And announced there relationship when she returned home (it's quite sickening actually,shes going on and on about her amazing new boyfriend to all that will listen)

In the past two weeks ive done my best to avoid her as much as possible. Although some slightly disturbing signs that im not quite out of her reach yet are beginning to show. Twice this week she has again stood at the pub near my workplace quite clearly watching me (the first instance was very obvious,she stood directly looking at me. Followed by another instance about an hour later,where she was rather animatedly talking on her phone,glancing and motioning towards my workplace and me

The next day the same thing happened. Although this time,she decided to make a show out of it,she stood looking towards me,and started dancing around and at one point attempted a very OTT dramatic wave at me. I just ignored this and carried on with my days work

That night at around 11pm. I received a text from her (although i have a phone blocker,the messages still come through for some reason) It just contained the words "i cant believe you could be so vindictive"unfortuanatly my curiosity got the better of me,and what followed was a 30 second phone conversation,where she bit my head off,shouting that id got her benefits stopped,that she had a letter from the council saying i had reported her,and she signed off with a very OTT "goodbye" and hung up. Now as you can guess,i have not reported her. In fact i had no idea what the hell she was blathering on about tbh. But her manner and speech patterns were actually pretty scary. She seemed to genuinely believe what she was saying.And if im honest,sounded genuinely unhinged.

Again the next day she reared her head once more,when she had a confrontation of sorts with a family friend of mine. My friend politely asked her to please leave me alone and to stop messing with me. She described my ex as  transformed from the girl she knew.Gone was the somewhat timid and depressed girl that we knew. In her place was a confident and cocky lookalike who stood and outwardly lied about the past few months recycle attempt. Claiming she had not spoken to me for months (lies)that i had been contacting her,not the other way around (my friend pointed out she had been there when my ex had contacted me whilst i was on holiday,my ex again falsely claimed that i had instigated that conversation.Again not true)

If im honest,what im seeing in her now is truly disturbing. After xmas and new year when she was desperate for a reconciliation. It seems she has truly changed for the worse. Her trial for assaulting two police officers resulted in her being let off with a caution (many who used to be close to her hoped that wouldnt be the case,and that she would finally be forced to take accountability for her actions).Coupled with the fact she has a new boyfriend she now has this attitude that she is untouchable and can get away with anything. Which is truly heartbreaking. I had hoped against hope that the therapy she was undergoing (DBT,which is approaching the end of her first year) would have begun to heal her. But now i have had to wake up to the realisation that she hasnt actually changed one bit,and if anything has become more self centred than ever before. My main worry atm,is how long will i have to put up with this behaviour from her? surely for someone who wants to "get on with her life" surely she should leave me alone and let me do the same?

[Ripped Heart]

Hi Tom,

It clearly sounds right now that your ex is trying to keep an attachment to you at any cost. With a pwBPD, positive or negative attention is still attention. It means to them that you still notice them and that they still have an attachment to you regardless of the reasons behind it.

I've mentioned on a previous post about how my exN/BPDw would often launch a smear campaign against me simply because she knew I would defend what was untrue and by doing that she knew she still had a hold on me. Again, when that stopped working for her, it became about her children because she knew I would be there to protect the kids. Even going as far as setting up FB profiles in the children's names and sending out requests to me, my friends and family because she firmly believed that nobody was going to say no to the kids. When that didn't work she moved onto another tactic and has spent the past 3 years trying to find which button to press.

My current exBPDgf uses a crisis because I've always been there to protect her and when I don't, it turns to suicide threats because she knows it's impossible for me to see her suffering.

You have to remember, this is all about them and not about you. It could very well be she is accusing you of these things because she wants a reaction from you. She wants to see if you still care enough to interact with her regardless of it's a good or a bad interaction. It may very well be that things aren't that great with your replacement so she's testing the water to keep you on hold or as is sometimes the case, trying to triangulate you. Within the triangle, there is a victim (her), a rescuer (new bf) and a persecutor (you) by making you the villain, she is trying to force the new bf into being the rescuer.

As to your question of how long you have to put up with this behaviour, the simple answer is as long as you want to put up with it. You can't control her actions but what you can control is how you react to her actions. My exN/BPDw is constantly resurfacing and trying to make attempts to re-engage or recycle. I have blocked her off in as many places as I possibly can but she continues to attempt that contact and has done for the past 3 years. I have a choice to let it affect me or to ignore her attempts and I chose the latter. I've got acceptance that I may never have her out of my life but I don't allow her to control it. She can continue until she is blue in the face but I won't ever respond to her because I have no desire to or reason to. So the choice is entirely down to you. You have the power back in your life and you have the power to make the choices you want to make without having to join in the game that's being played