How do you get to the point of not caring.

[Confused?]

So I need some advice. How do you stop the calls or basically what I'm asking is how do you get to the point of not caring. I haven't heard from my ex in over two weeks which is great. I feel better everyday. Yea I still have questions and problems of my own but it definately helps detach. I blocked my ex but she would still call me from no caller id. This triggers me big time. Just seeing that she called sets me back a ton. I know the obvious answer is to change my number but is have had the same number my whole life and really don't want to do that and quite frankly it seems very unfair to have to do something like this (as if I wasn't put through enough). She also recently changed her number and I answer and it sucked to say the least. How do you guys or gals deal with the late night calls? Do you just brush them off?

[icom]

As with everything else: behaviour has to be routinized. 

Playing the piano, preparing for a marathon, etc.

It starts off as challenging, and then becomes a habit as one lives into the behaviour. 

It's not easy, mate; by no stretch of the imagination. 

However, there is a body of evidence suggesting that the mind rewires itself-accommodating and adapting to changes-over a course of three months or so.  In some circles it is referred to as the "30, 60, 90" rule. 

This is not a passive activity, as you do need to fully engage yourself in other things to make it through this phase.

In a best case scenario, you will not be here three months from now.  Not because you have progressed beyond the need for the validation and reality testing that accompanies your presence here, but you have acknowledged that bpdfamily is just one of the steps on your road to recovery.

This site is instrumental, and invaluable, but spending too much time here will delay your recovery. 

[eyvindr]

You've already blocked her, so she knows that you don't want to hear from her. Technically, her continued calls are harassment. Go to your local police station, explain your situation -- you may be surprised to hear them say that, unfortunately, they deal with this crap a lot. I had to do this with my ex. It was out of control. I explained my situation, told the police officer that I didn't want to cause her any trouble, but I needed her to stop this behavior. He assured me that I was right to involve law enforcement, and he offered to call her to convey the message, with the warning that, if she didn't stop, he would file a harassment charge against her.

Calls, emails, txt msgs -- all stopped immediately. You really can't move on until you regain some control over your right to privacy, and her continued attempts to contact you are an invasion of your privacy, as well as a continual reminder that she is out there, which just perpetuates rumination, anger, sorrow, etc. Let the cops deal with her.

[Rise]

The hard answer is time. It takes time to stop caring. As far as I can tell, there is no easy shortcut to the process. That doesn't mean just sit back and wait for it to get better. You've got to be active. It can be really tough, but just trying to get into a normal routine in your life without your ex is a big part. I think it's also important realizing that it's just going to hurt for a while and accepting that. But also realize that while it's going to hurt, that pain will start to fade with time.

As far as dealing with the late night calls, this may seem silly, but have you considered rehearsing things before hand? Come up with what you're going to say in case she does get through to you (something as simple and firm like, "I don't want to talk with you anymore, and I'd appreciate it if you stopped calling me. Thank you, and good-bye.". Then practice it with yourself until it becomes automatic. I know it may seem dumb, but having the words beforehand can be quite beneficial when you get caught off guard, and can help avoid some of the panic filled moments where you don't know what to do or say.

If all else fails, more drastic steps such as calling the cops, or changing your number may be necessary. I know it's not fair that you may have to change your number, but when it comes down to it, what's more important? Having the same phone number, or having some peace in your life?

[eyvindr]

This --

The hard answer is time. It takes time to stop caring. As far as I can tell, there is no easy shortcut to the process. That doesn't mean just sit back and wait for it to get better. You've got to be active. It can be really tough, but just trying to get into a normal routine in your life without your ex is a big part. I think it's also important realizing that it's just going to hurt for a while and accepting that. But also realize that while it's going to hurt, that pain will start to fade with time.

Pretty much sums it up. After all is said and done, all that's left is time spent, memories, some good, some bad, and a relationship that ended. Life goes on. Hang in there.

[apollotech]

You asked several questions in your opening post, but I'd like to address the topic: How do you get to the point of no longer caring?

I reached that point when I finally ACCEPTED that no matter what I would/could do the relationship was not going to change. I say accepted for a reason. It's one thing to know/recognize/understand/etc. something and a whole different thing to accept something.

After I accepted the relationship for what it was and accepted my BPDexgf for what she is, I stopped caring because all hope was gone at that point. Now, all love did not die then; I still love her and would love to put a relationship together with her, but that could never be. The disorder won and WE lost.

I haven't communicated with her in a week as of today, Valentine's Day, how sadly ironic. She sent me a Happy Valentine's Day text message today. When I saw it my heart started racing, my face became flushed, the whole range of physiological events took place. Emotions got cranked up. All of that is to be expected and is normal.

But, by not caring, I was able to resist the temptation to respond to her text. I don't care because I accept. I accept that if I get back on the crazy coaster the ride would be exactly the same. I no longer hope for a different outcome.

Time is also a large factor in all of this, but I think that time plays a more direct role in the grieving process. I don't think that it's possible for us to enter the grieving process until we have accepted that the relationship failed... .hope is extinguished. As a result, you no longer look back... .you look forward.

[.cup.car]

You've already blocked her, so she knows that you don't want to hear from her. Technically, her continued calls are harassment. Go to your local police station, explain your situation -- you may be surprised to hear them say that, unfortunately, they deal with this crap a lot. I had to do this with my ex. It was out of control. I explained my situation, told the police officer that I didn't want to cause her any trouble, but I needed her to stop this behavior. He assured me that I was right to involve law enforcement, and he offered to call her to convey the message, with the warning that, if she didn't stop, he would file a harassment charge against her.

Calls, emails, txt msgs -- all stopped immediately. You really can't move on until you regain some control over your right to privacy, and her continued attempts to contact you are an invasion of your privacy, as well as a continual reminder that she is out there, which just perpetuates rumination, anger, sorrow, etc. Let the cops deal with her.

A lot easier said than done, but this guy's got the best advice in this thread.

[emancipated]

Hey friend...

I can't say I'm at the point when I don't care anymore but can say it gets easier when u find ur "line in the sand" the thing they did u cant forgive... for me it was hard and it required some covert tactics to obtain this information however ... she abandoned a dog we adopted together and didn't call to give me a chance to come and get the dog and then lied and said they still had the dog. as an animal lover I.can honestly say I still care and will miss the person I thought she was... But that was my line in the sand moment

[eyvindr]

This is it, exactly --

I reached that point when I finally ACCEPTED that no matter what I would/could do the relationship was not going to change. I say accepted for a reason. It's one thing to know/recognize/understand/etc. something and a whole different thing to accept something.

After I accepted the relationship for what it was and accepted my BPDexgf for what she is, I stopped caring because all hope was gone at that point. Now, all love did not die then; I still love her and would love to put a relationship together with her, but that could never be. The disorder won and WE lost.

[downwhim]

I wish I didn't care anymore too. Time is what it takes. Loving someone no matter if they are ill or not doesn't die out... .time to unattach.

[eyvindr]

I came across a couple very helpful articles here yesterday, both dealing with detachment. Hope they help.

• Just Let Go



• 10 Reasons Why... .