How do you find "empathy" for them?

[FigureIt]

It's cold season and last week my D9 had a head cold.  And now this week I have it.  It started Sunday, I've been going to work and just exhausted at the end of the day.  Yesterday I took a 1/2 day and went home and slept for 2hrs.  When my uBPDbf came home at lunch he asked "what was wrong... ."  My first thought... ."Really?"  I just calmly answered... ."sick".  He then came home late from work, not once asked how I was feeling, etc.  During the night I was up a couple times due to not being able to breathe and had to take some medicine.

I get up and ready for work this morning, still feeling worn out, but need to go to work.  My uBPDbf's alarm goes off, but he doesn't get up and ready.  I say goodbye and ask if he is going to work.  He tells me probably later he is sick... .(He frequently has digestion issues) so I ask if it's his stomach, he says "no", I ask if he has a head cold... .AND OF COURSE he supposably has now the sickness I have.  (of which he has no symptoms)

How do you even be empathetic?  I've been sick for 3 days and I don't get a "How are you feeling?"  And now he has my illness.  God forbid I even get a 1/2 day of attention/rest.

[Samuel S.]

FigureIt, first and foremost, I hope you feel better. If you haven't done so already, taking a lot of Vitamin C, sleeping more, and maybe some nice, hot tea can help you get better.

As for your BPD, you yourself have every right to have empathy! If he is unable to give you empathy, it definitely means several things. He is a BPD. He is selfish. He wants the attention to himself. He doesn't believe you deserve to have the attention. He doesn't know how to show empathy for you and probably very others. Your SO is just like mine!

The rest of us nonBPDs and I care and empathize with you!

[FigureIt]

Samuel S. thank you for the well wishes!  I have been trying to rest... .I'm a school teacher and on break next week so trying not to take a sick day.  I've also been eating oranges like they're candy and trying to drink water. 

Sometimes they (BPD's) are just soo exhausting.  I'm not really asking/looking for any type of attention, but when he "plays" sick, I have a underneath feeling of wanting to "punch him"  LOL!

Funny thing is I get more snuggle and caring from my dogs (a lab & shepard mix) then him.

[Michelle27]

This is something I'm working on too.  After years of confusion and fears when I didn't understand what was going on with him and even when I finally did stumble onto BPD years ago but he refused to acknowledge a problem within him (and of course, blamed me) I am trying to get some compassion and empathy back for what he is struggling with.  It's not just when he's sick with a cold or whatever that I struggle with having empathy, it's for the storm of his own emotions.  That comes from the years of non compassion I felt from him, but I am working on it by reading a ton of stuff about his illness.  It's slowly coming back, but I still know that I have way more empathy for everyone else in my life because of the hurts my husband has subjected me to and his lack of empathy and compassion for anything I've gone through over the years.  I am quite sure that if I can't get it back to where it should be, I won't be able to make this marriage work for the long haul.

Take care of yourself!

[Samuel S.]

It almost seems like when we nonBPDs show empathy, that our BPDs see it as a "weakness", or else, they take advantage of it by continuing being frankly jerks! They don't care. They simply want what they want at our expense. That is why it is extremely important for us nonBPDs to take care of ourselves along with dealing with them. This is much easier said than done. I have an extremely difficult time balancing showing empathy for my BPDw while applying empathy to myself, because when she is around, it is always about her. She rarely will listen to me, and she will demand my complete attention. Bottom line, such behavior by our BPDs is like that of a child who demands our continuous attention.

[Enoch]

You can find empathy for them... .knowing they are sick (emotionally) and probably won't get better. (Yes, I know there are cases where they do get better... .maybe) What are your expectations? Since you have decided to stay in the relationship, does any of this behavior take you by surprise? I've had to come to the realization that many of my hopes and desires for my relationship are just a bad fantasy. I've had to grieve the loss and decide to make the best of this life.

With this said, can we agree that most of our frustration comes from not knowing how to attain a sense of self (mindfulness) that has room for their illness? I hope I'm being clear. (This is my own format for working out my thoughts) Making room for their illness is not co-dependence or giving up... .it's more like radical acceptance and then moving on to taking care of my self. It's not wrong to desire a healthy response and attention from our mates. But if we really truly believe they are mentally ill, then where does this frustration come from? Is it denial on our part?

My T and some authors I've read talk often about filling my (your) own tank. Other folks call is Soul Care. I know this is valid advice. If I'm drained and need something from my DBPDW, I'm going to be disappointed... .which leads to resentment... .which leads to lack of empathy. And the circle continues ad nauseum... .Yes, I do ask her for assistance or help from time to time. But I'm prepared for anything. Usually, my request is met but with strings attached. I knew this before I asked. It's part of the radical acceptance.

I think our greatest struggle is with ourselves. We really don't have good boundaries. We don't know how or why to set them. Do we value our own self worth enough to give ourselves permission to set good solid boundaries. If this sounds like a lecture, it is... .you are listening in on a lecture that I am giving myself today. My very best days are the days when I have a full tank and have given myself permission to set good healthy boundaries. I'm worth it!

By the way, when you have been sucked into the vortex of chaos... .you cannot help anyone, including your own self.

I hope you have a blessed day. You are in my thoughts and prayers.