every day is a struggle

[raven queen]

Let me start by saying my partner hasn't been officially diagnosed. But the more I read about BPD the more I'm convinced that's what he has... .it fits perfectly.

We've been together on and off for 10 years, including being married for 3. I left him due to the lies, abuse, and self destructive behavior. Yet even then we stayed close. I couldn't let him go and felt constantly caught up in his drama and chaos. 3 hour arguments were common. Yet he could be wonderful too. I let him back into my home and life romantically 2 years ago, and the drama started again. He was extremely self destructive. ... wouldn't treat his diabetes, let financial issues get worse, etc

Everything really blew up last month. He was arrested for possession of child porn. He's been in jail since his arrest and we've had no direct contact, though I hear things from his mother and best friend.

And it's driving me crazy. I can't stop thinking about him, and still have the impulse to try to help him. He says now he knows he needs help, which he never said before. I still love him very much, and the thought of letting him go completely crushes me. I'm in therapy but I still think about him almost constantly. Just not sure if I should let him go at this point or still keep hope he can be helped.

[Heldfast]

If you are still in the mix, and he acknowledges he needs help, why not take him up on it. Many jails have psychologists available, perhaps have his attorney apply for visitation from one and see if he'll get started or see if you can arrange for him to telephone in for sessions.

[raven queen]

Thanks for the response. The situation unfortunately prevents us from having direct contact right now, and I don't think the jail has many resources. I am hopeful for the future because he does acknowledge his need for help, but then I start doubting myself wondering if I'm just being an idiot for hanging in there. My therapist says I'm doing the best I can to cope, but I am struggling with depression being alone in the house half the time (I have a minor daughter only with me 50% of the time).

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Raven Queen, 

Welcome. I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be very hard to have no direct contact with your partner.    

A good step is that your partner acknowledges that he needs help.  It is very hard for a person with BPD (pwBPD) to recognize that.  That is a good sign.  I understand how you can doubt yourself at times, because the behavior of a pwBPD is confusing, erratic, and incredibly frustrating. Fortunately, there are things we can do to improve a relationship with a pwBPD. Having the knowledge of this site and the tools provided to improve my relationship has given me hope. 

It is a lot for you to cope with. Especially that you are dealing with your own issues as well.    The most important thing is to take care of yourself first.  I found that having support system really helps me. My support system consists of my therapist, friends, family, and this site.  Posting here really helps when I am confused or going through a tough time.

Will you be able to see your partner soon?

[raven queen]

You're right, support is important.  Therapy is helping a lot and I have great friends but I'm just now learning about BPD. Everyone wants to just focus on the sex offender part of what he did and I feel like his mom and I are the only ones who realize there's more going on.

I have no idea when we'll be able to see each other. Because I have a child and she was indirectly affected by his actions I am dealing w DFS too and they think any contact I have w him (even though my child will have zero contact) is a risk. We'll find out on the 3rd if he's even able to get out of jail before trial. Not sure if it will be easier or harder on me if he's out, but at least hell be able to get help out of there.

[OnceConfused]

RAVEN QUEEN,

"Words are nothing and Actions are everything.

Please don't tell me. Show me."

He can tell you thousand times that he knows he needs help, but if he does not actively get help, then thousand times later he will be the same man. Your suffering continues.

Tell him that you are thankful that he understands he needs help, but ask or probe about how he is going to get help and what kind of help he seeks.

Of you part, do you think you need some therapy help as well? To have some impartial person, listen to your story and offer some guidance as to why you want to be with a man who is abusive, not caring about his own health, and financial well being. Once you can understand your own weaknesses and plan a program to get better, you will be able to find much happiness even in the middle of the storm.

As of now, my observation is that you are still perhaps a co-dependent person. You perhaps believe your happiness is HIS TO GIVE, not yours to make. Therefore, you depend on him for your own happiness, despite the fact that you often are not happy (3 hrs argurments... .) .  For some reasons we are taught to be dependent on others for our happiness. But in fact we should find happiness in everything we do everyday and in every step we make, be it alone or with someone else.

Wayne Dyer, my favorite writer, wrote it beautifully:

" Enlightement is having a mind that is open to everything and attachs to NOTHING."

May you have the green lights toward your happiness path.

[raven queen]

He DEFINITELY has a lot of work to do to show me he means to get help. He can't do much as it is right now since he's locked up, but he already asked his mom and me to help him find names of therapists so he can start as soon as he gets out. We'll see if that actually happens.

I agree about the codependency,  and my therapist identified it as well. It's something I need to work on for me too. I know I'm not healthy either or I wouldn't have let him cross so many lines w me before.

[sweetheart]

Hello raven queen,

This is really serious indeed.

The concern I have is that he has been arrested for child pornography and you have a daughter with you 50% of your time, have I understood this correctly? If he is charged will he be placed on a sex offenders list and if so he will not be allowed anywhere near minors.

How do you feel knowing what he has done allowing him to be around your daughter again in the future ?

( these are not questions you have to answer here, more for you to consider with your T )

It is really positive that you have a T. I hope you find the strength and clarity to detach from this relationship because it sounds from what you have written that both of you have a lot of work to do individually before you can be in an emotionally healthy relationship again.