Wow - Never thought anyone could stoop so low

[Ripped Heart]

Just had the report back today that is being sent to the court in relation to me having contact with my children. It's completely full of lies on her behalf and some serious allegations that I never even knew about. However she has shot herself in the foot in a major way.

October 2005

Apparently, she contacted Social Services to report neglect and physical abuse by me towards my children. She stated that she did this because the children were the ones who reported they were being abused.

Small issue with this (aside from the fact we were living together at the time) D10 was only a few months old at the time and D4 wasn't even born yet. This relates to the false allegations she made against her exbf to stop him seeing his children. However, instead of explaining that, she thought it would work in her favour if she substituted his name for mine and his children for mine with no consideration that the dates don't match up.

It goes on:

She explains the reason for stopping me seeing my children is that I abandoned them, moved abroad and had no contact for over 6 months during which time I was living a transient and unstable lifestyle.

I did move abroad to work on a project for 4 months. During which time I came back every couple of weeks specifically to see the children. I would stay at exgf's house to make maximum benefit of spending that entire time with the children and we often took them out together. I have flight receipts and time-stamped photos to prove it. So if spending my time between work and seeing my children across 2 countries is a transient lifestyle then so be it but it blows away her theory of having no contact with my children for over 6 months. On top of this, she was regularly asked if she would like to bring the children to visit too, all flights and expenses paid which she declined so I was left doing all of the travelling, which for my children I didn't mind doing.

She is also angry at the fact I'm annoyed because new bf was given the label "daddy" by her and states this is untrue. D4 apparently feels special that she has 2 "daddys" and that has always been the case. I have an email from December in which she states that I'm not allowed to tell D4 that I'm her dad because she doesn't want to complicate things. This is despite the fact she has known I've been fighting to see my children for 3 years, failed to engage in mediation and done everything in her power to stop me seeing my children. So given that I have an email stating that, D4 was only told the truth 2 weeks ago, simply because she was caught over a barrel in court the last time.

Finally, and also maybe relating to the "transient and unstable lifestyle" I lead. She is demanding that in order for me to see my children, I don't leave the country. The reason I leave my country is because I have a good job for a global company that requires me to travel on occasion. I'm occasionally required to travel to sites across the world. 4 months away 3 years ago was down to a major project, now I'm not usually gone more than a couple of days at a time and not all that frequently too. I'm usually aware of when I'm needed about 3 months in advance and with my children, I can usually navigate around this anyway. I just find it laughable that she considers this to be a transient and unstable lifestyle because I have a good job and good salary for a good company.

I do feel a little cheated because I haven't been given the opportunity to address any of these statements prior to it being sent off to the courts. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and if so what have you been able to do to rectify it? I have no problem providing the evidence to a court but feel I'm going in there next week on the back foot.

[livednlearned]

Hi Ripped Heart,

It's hard reading the false allegations. Even when you know the facts of the matter, it's still tough knowing that these are official documents filled with lies  

Your case is a little different than mine because it's not a divorce + custody proceeding, but maybe there are some parallels. There were over 60 filings in 4 years in my case, and I would estimate roughly a third of that was dealing with false allegations of one type or another.

If I remember correctly, your judge was pretty irritated with your ex and demanded immediate reconciliation for you and your kids? If you see the same judge, and it comes out that your ex is filing a false allegation that is chronologically impossible, this won't go very far. Credibility does mean something in court, even if it doesn't mean as much as we want it to (there are rarely punitive consequences for lying, it seems).

In terms of your ex's allegations that you have an unstable lifestyle, that won't go anywhere, is my guess. It's taking me 6 years to finish a phd and my ex tried to characterize me as a lazy disorganized grad student. One way to look at what your ex is doing: If that's the best your ex can do, then she is desperate.

People with BPD don't stop having a disorder when they get to the doors of the courtroom. They continue to struggle with poor executive function and impulsivity, and that often ends badly when they try to develop a legal strategy. My ex is an attorney and should've had a clue about how things work in court, but he was so dysregulated and occasionally psychotic that he lost everything.

It's hard to manage the anxiety when so much is on the line, but you have a lot of things working in your favor right now. And you'll be able to disprove the allegations when you get a hearing.

[ForeverDad]

She can claim all she wants, ridicuously falsifying the information, however, you have facts that prove otherwise.  Word of advice, you can't reason with her, present your information to the people who matter, the professionals and family court.

She can demand all she wants, such as you not leaving the country, but no court will limit your life.  They may step in with orders and procedures regarding the children traveling outside the country but not you.

She is displaying her Entitlement and need to Control.  While court may not call her out and give her consequences for her outrageous claims and demands, they may very well side with her in general, to remain as the majority time parent if that is the history.

The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.

[Ripped Heart]

Many thanks livednlearned,

You did remember correctly and I think this has come about because of what the judge did the last time. I think she is grasping at straws to try and turn the bashing against me next week.

My frustration lies more at the fact that, yes, things have happened in the past. I'm only human and with hindsight maybe 4 months was a long time to be away especially when up to that point I was with my kids 3-4 days a week. I had previously been a soldier where we could be away from family for 6-12 months at a time (before I met exgf) so my thinking was 4 months is not that long, I also got the opportunity to come back and see my children every couple of weeks and the money for that kind of project would have provided much for my children.

Given at the time I was sole provider for my children, my ex and her other children too. She took 2 years off work with depression and after,the money she earned went on drink and online gambling. It's what ended our relationship because it became entirely co-dependent, I was the adult with basically 5 children (2 mine, 2 hers and her) to support so did what I thought benefited everyone at the time, despite the fact we were no longer together.

For me, it's just frustrating because I would rather everyone just move forward. Instead, I have to answer questions about why I physically abused and neglected my daughter 5 years before she was even born  

ForeverDad, that is so very true. I'm waiting a call back from my lawyer because he left me a voicemail earlier. Seems he too got a copy of it and finds it unbelievable that someone is actually going to submit that to the courts without even using basic maths to determine that some of the statements made are actually impossible. He even picked up on the fact that even if it related to D10, there is no possible way at 3 months old she could possibly have explained that she was being physically abused.

The other thing that was interesting is that exgf never stated she made the call to Social Services out of concern, she placed the responsibility of that firmly on the children.

[livednlearned]

I have to answer questions about why I physically abused and neglected my daughter 5 years before she was even born  

That might be the best sentence I've ever read on this board  

One way to think about court is that it's the ultimate authoritative or punitive parent, something that appeals to pwBPD. Your ex is trying to put the blame on you to deflect her own poor judgment, hoping the "parent" will see things her way. It's unfortunately expensive to go through this charade. While it's true that many people here get screwed in court, this isn't true for everyone. Even so, just setting the record straight can cost money and time, and create a lot of stress. Your case has a lot of positives, not least of which is your ex's inability to put together a really good false allegation. She must lack negative advocates, which is helpful. That's a silver living.

I found it was really effective to show in court as a grown-up with a calm demeanor, non-blaming, not defensive, and propose reasonable solutions. You might, for example, ask that your ex pays for your legal bills (sanctions). She obviously won't pay you, but if she tries to file other false allegations and hasn't paid prior sanctions, that will be a big red flag in case you get a new judge. It will also become topic #1 and a potential disincentive to your ex to use court to try and punish you. If she's extremely entitled and dysregulated, she'll keep coming back no matter what, but at least the courts will see clearly that she is not capable of complying with court orders. I started to get real traction when my ex began targeting court, and then the judge experienced directly what I had been going through. (My ex accused the judge of lying  )

Don't feel guilty about the things your ex accuses you of. She is literally grasping at anything she can find. No court is going to find fault with your decision to provide for your family. It's a non-issue to everyone except your ex, and it's not real, so it doesn't count.

[Ripped Heart]

One way to think about court is that it's the ultimate authoritative or punitive parent, something that appeals to pwBPD. Your ex is trying to put the blame on you to deflect her own poor judgment, hoping the "parent" will see things her way. It's unfortunately expensive to go through this charade. While it's true that many people here get screwed in court, this isn't true for everyone. Even so, just setting the record straight can cost money and time, and create a lot of stress. Your case has a lot of positives, not least of which is your ex's inability to put together a really good false allegation. She must lack negative advocates, which is helpful. That's a silver living.

I just modified my above post as my lawyer noticed something on the report too. She doesn't take responsibility for contacting Social Services herself, instead she actually states that the children made false allegations and she was acting upon that. Again, that's where my lawyer can tear her story apart because one didn't exist and the other was 3 months old. I'm very impressed my daughter was able to identify what physical abuse was, let alone express it at 3 months old. I must have a little genius at work.

Just spent the past 40 mins on phone with lawyer and all the statements have been ripped to shreds. He is going to challenge the false allegations simply for the fact that despite being ridiculous, they can have a serious implication so best this gets addressed immediately and it will also put her on the back foot.

As for the other statements she has made, we are going to say nothing because it's about moving forward now. What I am to do is provide all the contradictory evidence against each of the statements and he will hold on to that. Should she start gearing up and pushing them herself, that's when it will be dealt with comment at a time. Basically, he is going to let her keep setting off her own traps while we just work on trying to get things resolved. I think this goes with what you are saying livednlearned, it can become costly if the courtroom is just used to battle it out so we are just going to push forward with what we want and each time something gets brought up, we close it quickly with the evidence and move on.

There is another reason for this which he pointed out and that is we don't show all of our cards. Instead, by addressing the false allegations he's going to make her backtrack on that and get her to explain that while these things did occur, it was relating to previous partner and not me. He doesn't want the false allegations dismissed or removed but actually firmly with the person they were made against. His reasoning is that she is highly likely to follow a similar pattern and may eventually make false allegations against me in the same way. Should she do this, that's when he plays the ace card and proves to the court that this is a continual pattern and totally discredit her. Again, his reasoning is that if she feels she can get away with this kind of behaviour it will continue and isn't good for the welfare of the children. If he can prove to a court that her behaviours are destructive and disruptive however, the court can place some pretty tough penalties against her and if it still continues I can step in for full custody of the girls.

It's not about challenging her behaviours now, it's about allowing her to show her behaviours to the court and keeping our focus on the children. Again, i think that's along the lines of what you mention livednlearned 

[livednlearned]

It sounds you like you have a good lawyer.

I found it was very useful to have a goal and then work back from that -- it actually reduced a lot of the stress. I was able to turn N/BPDx's shenanigans into weird positives. If he made bizarre false allegations, that just helped me reach my goal. Similar to what your L is suggesting about you getting full custody, that was my goal. It took me a long time and it cost a bunch of money, but there is finally some peace now that I have full custody. S13 was struggling with depression and I can't tell you what a relief it was to just set up an appointment and off we went. No drama, no obstructions, no false allegations, no stonewalling, no need for permission from N/BPDx. Even the psychiatrist expressed relief -- he said it's tough to treat kids when the parents aren't on the same page. I thought that was understatement.

None of this is easy, but take comfort when things are good, including those things that your ex does like these false allegations that can be easily disproven.

It's really moving how much your girls were excited to have you back in their lives. I'm so glad court can see what's happening and has your back. That's going to make a world of difference in your kids' lives.

[ForeverDad]

Be careful about responding too thoroughly too soon.  What I mean is that if your lawyer files a response that points out every wrong detail (beyond what he has to do) then she will be alerted and have time to concoct more claims to propound in court.  Just saying.

My ex too indirectly claimed "My son told me... ." so she couldn't be accused of outright lying.  However he was 3-6 years old at the time so he wasn't a baby in arms or a bun not yet in the oven.

[maxen]

Just spent the past 40 mins on phone with lawyer and all the statements have been ripped to shreds.

  satisfying

Be careful about responding too thoroughly too soon.  What I mean is that if your lawyer files a response that points out every wrong detail (beyond what he has to do) then she will be alerted and have time to concoct more claims to propound in court.  Just saying.

this was the first thing that came into my mind. get this if you can in front of the magistrate as it is and let your L pick it apart.

[Ripped Heart]

Be careful about responding too thoroughly too soon.  What I mean is that if your lawyer files a response that points out every wrong detail (beyond what he has to do) then she will be alerted and have time to concoct more claims to propound in court.  Just saying.

Should have mentioned before, the days of writing letters back and forth are over, this would all be raised in court in front of the magistrate so there would be no real opportunity to think about the responses. She was given the opportunity initially to speak to my lawyer, then the opportunity to get one of her own to speak to my lawyer and at every stage opted not to respond. Then came the mediation (twice) first time dragged out for a year with cancellations, no shows etc... Second time, she cancelled 3 appointments and the Mediator had enough and now it's in court.

She has tried to backtrack the last time and ask the magistrate if it can go back to mediation but given her track record, magistrate said no and was quite hard on the fact that she has tried to skip past resolving this for so long. She is already starting to stack the black marks in that sense and I get the impression the magistrate has seen it all and heard it all before.

[ForeverDad]

Let her face her consequences.  That's not mean, that's practical and effective.  While you can't reason with her, the court has The Authority to adjudicate, so let court do its thing, while pointing it in the right direction.  The days of appeasing and infinite patience are past.  You have to be the Problem Solver offering solutions, make sure the court knows you want to be an involved parent and are willing and able to step up to the plate.  This will continue as long as she is in charge or everyone is waiting on her.

My court was unwilling to make drastic changes, so I couldn't afford to waste any more time being nice or forgiving.  I started out with alternate weekends.  There were major landmarks every 2-3 years.  As has been often commented, family court has a glacial pace.

  2005 - Separation with alternate weekends

  2008 - Shared Parenting with equal time

  2011 - Legal Custodian with equal time

  2013 - Legal Custodian with majority time during the school year

[Ripped Heart]

That's really impressive Forever Dad and although its taken you time, I guess the consistency worked in your favour and turned everything around.

Its been a 3 year battle for me just to get access, the first year of which all access was cut quite literally overnight, with no warning. I managed then to get phone access, 30 minutes one day a week for the past 2 years with only 1 of my daughters and now I have fortnightly contact for 3 hours unsupervised. Next week, my lawyer is pushing for the full day as well as regular Skype contact with both girls. When I dont have them. Also that an order is not placed but court be adjourned to allow developments before an order is imposed.

Until now, its all been on her timings but that is being stripped away from her.

[david]

My ex left in 2007. I was an EOW dad in the beginning. I now have 50/50 custody. Staying focused on the kids and not getting into the arguments/accusations/general bs kept me sane. I learned to ignore a lot of what ex says.

"Never thought anyone could stoop so low" When I had that realization and honestly understood it my ex no longer surprised me with her allegations or behaviors. I protect myself by always having a video and an audio recorder with me whenever ex will be nearby. I went to jail for two weeks and lost my job because of false allegations. It won't happen again.

[Ripped Heart]

My ex left in 2007. I was an EOW dad in the beginning. I now have 50/50 custody. Staying focused on the kids and not getting into the arguments/accusations/general bs kept me sane. I learned to ignore a lot of what ex says.

"Never thought anyone could stoop so low" When I had that realization and honestly understood it my ex no longer surprised me with her allegations or behaviors. I protect myself by always having a video and an audio recorder with me whenever ex will be nearby. I went to jail for two weeks and lost my job because of false allegations. It won't happen again.

That's what angers me about these kinds of situations, whatever happened to innocent until PROVEN guilty?

I think as ForeverDad and others have said, it doesn't always pay to be the nice guy. More often than not, the one who shouts loudest gets what they want and in some ways I'm glad that it's starting to be recognised, though in your case, at a cost.

We had a similar issue here for a number of years. If a mother makes an allegation, it's taken seriously and it can be like keystone cops trampling through your house in order to see "justice" done. However, a father makes an allegation, even if completely true, it's viewed as being resentful and you lose out anyway.

Our current Government has taken a lot of flak over the things they haven't done since being in power, but promises they made around children, children's welfare and providing equality in parenting is something they have worked hard at and delivered. It's only in the last 3 years that fathers have actually started to be recognised for being an important part of a child's development and laws have been changed to reflect that. False allegations are seen for what they are and the courts come down heavy on either side now for trying to use underhanded tactics because it should never be about the parents, it should always be about the children.

I'm so glad that someone has started to employ common sense in the courts but it's come at a cost to many fathers that have been fighting for years and lost out on so much.

[david]

The only solution to that is to "fight" for your rights as a parent.

I learned to let my ex lead the way. Letting her speak and take charge shows her true disorder. Finding solutions to her dysfunctional claims is what "wins" in court. I stopped trying to disprove her allegations and instead find solutions to her ridiculous allegations. Ex says I am abusive. I had put in our court order that neither one of us can come near each other and all communication is through email. That has been for the last four years. She has figured out that she doesn't like this because she can no longer make false claims against me. Oh well. I have many similar examples and results.

[Boss302]

Apparently, she contacted Social Services to report neglect and physical abuse by me towards my children. She stated that she did this because the children were the ones who reported they were being abused.

Small issue with this (aside from the fact we were living together at the time) D10 was only a few months old at the time and D4 wasn't even born yet.

Obviously you and the kids' mom are both Vulcans. Their kids develop faster than humans, you know... .

Seriously... .I know the false allegations are hurtful, but for me, they key is knowing that you're doing what you should do, and all you can do, as a dad. Once you come to truly believe that, then she can't push that button anymore. Let her allege away.

[Ripped Heart]

Obviously you and the kids' mom are both Vulcans. Their kids develop faster than humans, you know... .

Seriously... .I know the false allegations are hurtful, but for me, they key is knowing that you're doing what you should do, and all you can do, as a dad. Once you come to truly believe that, then she can't push that button anymore. Let her allege away.

Funny you should say that, I have Aspergers which it's often likened to being like Spock so definitely on the right track with regard to being a vulcan 

As for false allegations, my exN/BPDw attempted that too, filed a report to say I was hiding out in the bushes behind her house when I was actually 3,500 miles away and had passport stamps to prove it. So no stranger to false allegations, especially when "false" is the operative word.

For me, I just find them annoying and a complete waste of time, not only for having to prove yourself but also for the many people that are involved with chasing things up, filing paperwork and putting in time that can be spent dealing with real issues.

Mainly because you feel you have to defend yourself and secondly some of it is down to my Aspergers. I've watched police documentaries when they arrest someone and pronounce them guilty because they haven't acted in a specific way, they haven't been adamant enough about their innocence or protested loud enough. I guess I would be found guilty because I don't shout, don't get animated. Instead I approach a situation with "I know the truth, here's the facts and here's the evidence to support those facts" the fact I appears calm and collected when all around is going crazy, is not an admission of guilt but rather that my brain processes on logic rather than on emotion so I don't show much emotion even if I know something to be false.

To me, showing that emotion simply because I know that's what someone is looking for actually feels more false