Using their Therapy against you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDbf goes and sees a Therapist.  I did check her out online and she does deal with BPD although he has never said if she has diagnosed him.  I also have offered to attend the sessions with him, BUT he has said no, my guess being is that not ALL is really shared or it is shared in his favor.

Now one of the things his therapist has said to him is "What are the facts?"  So, now when he wants to argue he uses that by saying "I'm just stating the FACTS"  which most of the time is BS and it is still his interpretation of the events.  The most recent use was his interpretation of an evening where he claims I was flirting with another man.  I wasn't.  My uBPDbf says "The facts are you were leaning on him and touching his arm."  Which I wasn't and he interpreted whatever he wanted.  I just replied with "The FACT is I wasn't flirting."

So he is still "mad at me."  My thought... .Whatever!

Do you think that Therapy is helpful if they really aren't addressing the actual problem of BPD? 

[FigureIt]

My uBPDbf goes and sees a Therapist.  I did check her out online and she does deal with BPD although he has never said if she has diagnosed him.  I also have offered to attend the sessions with him, BUT he has said no, my guess being is that not ALL is really shared or it is shared in his favor.

Now one of the things his therapist has said to him is "What are the facts?"  So, now when he wants to argue he uses that by saying "I'm just stating the FACTS"  which most of the time is BS and it is still his interpretation of the events.  The most recent use was his interpretation of an evening where he claims I was flirting with another man.  I wasn't.  My uBPDbf says "The facts are you were leaning on him and touching his arm."  Which I wasn't and he interpreted whatever he wanted.  I just replied with "The FACT is I wasn't flirting."

So he is still "mad at me."  My thought... .Whatever!

Do you think that Therapy is helpful if they really aren't addressing the actual problem of BPD? 

[JohnLove]

Hello FigureIt, if the the therapist is not a psychiatrist then she is not able to "officially" diagnose him. Even if she has diagnosed him herself often "labelling" her client in not particularly helpful, and may even alienate him. I have noticed some therapists apply the gently gently technique so as not to lose their client.  

Your suspicions about information bias may be correct. Individual therapy can be a very personal thing and he might not want to share all his "demons" with you. On the other hand he may be manipulating the therapist to receive validation (which he may not be receiving from you) for his disordered feelings.  

It would appear that he just wanted to "hate on you" and because you hadn't done anything "wrong", he invented it. This is the push part of a BPD relationship.  

I understand your wanting to attend his therapy sessions. I have felt that way too and my experience is it can feel like an intrusion to them. It is a hugely personal choice. There is probably no right or wrong answer here.

I would suggest practicing to validate him. This can be hard and go against your natural instinct. It can be tricky to get right. It can certainly improve communication and understanding, and have a positive effect on the relationship.

Feelings = facts to a BPD which can be difficult to endure. The loss of reality on their part is psychosis. PwBPD often tread a fine line (borderline) between being neurotic and psychotic. The loss of reality whereby he sees things that didn't actually happen and he believes them in his mind as fact may be psychosis.  :'(

I have witnessed psychotic episodes and it can be almost impossible to deal with. Sometimes the only thing you can do is wait until the acute stage passes which it invariably does.

To answer your last question... .no, not particularly. It can just be enabling. Do you think that is helpful?. Or his therapist may be electing to do the best she can by treating the behaviours with talk therapy thus indirectly treating BPD and simply trying to improve his outcome?.

[FigureIt]

Do you think that is helpful?. Or his therapist may be electing to do the best she can by treating the behaviours with talk therapy thus indirectly treating BPD and simply trying to improve his outcome?.

I think the therapy is helpful, then none, I guess.  It has opened him up that he does have issues.  Not that it has been said to be or be similar to BPD.  I've just seen how he uses it to try and manipulate.  Like with the "FACTS"  I just believe that he does try to manipulate the therapist to a point or in turn he takes what she tells him and tries to manipulate to suit him.

[drummerboy]

I think that therapy is often used as a form of validation for people who are not yet at the point where they are taking total responsibility for their condition and genuinely want to change. Until a person is at that point they will just tell whatever lies they need to garner sympathy from the T. Sadly, many Ts are not experienced enough to see through their clients lies and end up becoming yet another enabler in the disordered persons life. My ex went to many therapists but when the T would start to dig deeper she would drop that T like a hot potato. He probably doesn't want you to accompany him because he doesn't want you to hear what lies he is telling the T.