Even if I validate her and build her up she finds the negative in everything.

[Cipher13]

So my situation has not chanced at all. Its getting worse. My wife has finally after over 10 plus years found her dream job she has been searching for. It requires us to move but not for me to quit my job. So now why is she so miserable? She says maybe we should try to separate during this and see how that works out. Being of sound mind I verified with her that is that what she wants and that if it is maybe we try it. Might as well have suggested it myself. I knew it was a trapping question to. I said then why do you keep bringing it up as something you want? If I agree I am a bad guy if I don't agree then she still hates me and the situation. She has no responce for that other than I am a jerk.

I really think this canbe a good job for her. But she feels the need to sabatage it? Why? I can't disrupt my life much more and come out ok. This has to be the last chance for her to be happy.

[GaGrl]

Has she accepted the job?

What if you arrange that she go to the new location ahead of you while you close out the current location? And then have the chance to decide if you do indeed join her or not?

[Wrongturn1]

Interesting situation - so you are saying you would be able to keep your job?

Regarding your wife's dream job: she has BPD and will find a way to be miserable in any circumstance, whether she is the CEO of Apple or a school janitor.  Her new dream job will not result in a happy BPD wife.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher13, Instead of trying to figure out what she wants by reading between the lines of trick questions, what if you tried to figure out what you really want to do?  Only you know what is right for you.  Trying to "read" the emotions of a pwBPD is a thankless task, because they are constantly shifting and you will drive yourself crazy doing it (if you haven't already!).  LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

  Cipher13... .been a while... .

This has to be the last chance for her to be happy.

Last chance for who?

She's got chances to be happy as long as she is alive. Dunno if she will take them. She's also got chances to be unhappy as long as she's alive.

If this is the last shot for you being willing to stay in your marriage, I'd believe and understand that... .but I am going to ask you to own what YOU want and whether you are finding your limit.

Unless you make some changes, she is likely to stay the same.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry to about your struggles with this. I am curious about your views on validation. Could you describe the forms of validation that you provided with this situation? 

Also, I could imagine that she is quite anxious about the job and move. Have you asked her about her anxieties and fears? Is is possible that her responses are manifestations of her defenses trying to cover her own insecurities about taking on this dream job?

[Cipher13]

Now it isn't the job that she is having second thoughts about or any issues. (Seemed apparent last night when she is stating not wanting to leave our house). It is and always been me. She says I have left her empty and she feels worthless becasue of me and my lying and how I speak to her. I don't love her or car about her.

If you were to see my desk at work you would see all my pictures are of her or have her in them. Phone back ground has her on it. All free time at home is spent with her.  Some how with all that I ignore her and say and do terrible things to her... .well in her mind I must.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Cipher, Don't buy into her criticism.  You have done nothing wrong.  If you spent 24 hours a day waiting on her hand and foot, she would still say you haven't done enough.  You don't need to justify or explain that she is important to you.  Don't worry about what she thinks about you "in her mind" -- you can't control that.  Instead, try to focus on what is right for you.  What are your gut feelings?  LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

It is and always been me. She says I have left her empty and she feels worthless becasue of me and my lying and how I speak to her. I don't love her or car about her.

No, it isn't about you. This part never was. That isn't how you are behaving.

It is about her. 100%. She doesn't believe she is worth being loved or cared for. Feelings = Facts. Therefore, her 'fact' is that you are matching her feelings. That is you don't love her or care for her.

And no, she isn't aware of any of this most likely as she's doing it.

It is really hard to validate those feelings of hers. Actually it is really hard to do anything productive when somebody says you don't love them. 

If I had it in me to validate that, I'd probably start with her feeling empty and worthless.

[FigureIt]

It is and always been me. She says I have left her empty and she feels worthless becasue of me and my lying and how I speak to her. I don't love her or car about her.

No, it isn't about you. This part never was. That isn't how you are behaving.

It is about her. 100%. She doesn't believe she is worth being loved or cared for. Feelings = Facts. Therefore, her 'fact' is that you are matching her feelings. That is you don't love her or care for her.

And no, she isn't aware of any of this most likely as she's doing it.

It is really hard to validate those feelings of hers. Actually it is really hard to do anything productive when somebody says you don't love them. 

If I had it in me to validate that, I'd probably start with her feeling empty and worthless.

I don't think they know how to be positive.  BPD's are always looking for the negative.  Even if you say they are completely free to choose whatever makes them happy they will find a way to be negative.

I agree all you can validate is that she feels empty and worthless and still that may not work.

[Mike-X]

Now it isn't the job that she is having second thoughts about or any issues. (Seemed apparent last night when she is stating not wanting to leave our house). It is and always been me. She says I have left her empty and she feels worthless becasue of me and my lying and how I speak to her. I don't love her or car about her.

If you were to see my desk at work you would see all my pictures are of her or have her in them. Phone back ground has her on it. All free time at home is spent with her.  Some how with all that I ignore her and say and do terrible things to her... .well in her mind I must.

I am sorry. Have you read about depersonalization?

My question was whether she she might be mis-attributing her anxiety about these two major life stresses, a new job and moving, to the relationship.

Also have you considered that she might be struggling with you being willing to change your life for her, a loving act that a person with BPD might feel that she is not worthy of?

Just my thoughts on some possible underlying issues... .

[FigureIt]

She says I have left her empty and she feels worthless becasue of me and my lying and how I speak to her. I don't love her or car about her.

Some how with all that I ignore her and say and do terrible things to her... .well in her mind I must.

I hear the exact same from my uBPDbf.  I know how infuriating it is!

Every other weekend my D9 is at her dad's and it is just me and my uBPDbf.  And majority of the time we do whatever he wants to do.  Now he wants to go away this weekend and I have my d9 and can't.  I told him I have no problems if he goes.  He turned the whole thing to blame me and how "I hurt him" by not being able to go and on & on.

I came right out and told my bf that he views everything as negative.