Court decided in favor of the children's safety

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 

I am very happy to report on March 4, 2013 in southern pro-mother, pro-parental rights court the following occurred.

The Judge suspended all visitation for the xwdBPD. She is unable to visit the children even supervised visitation is ruled out "due to concerns for the children's physical and emotional safety"

Factors that other can use in the case of a high-conflict child custody case.

1. Attachment study pre and post intervention... ." a BPD will never be able to fully complete the attachment based intervention protocol"

2. Heavy and skillful on the documentation collection also  it doesn't hurt the BPD quit therapy, and made several major mistakes with bad decision making.

3. getting your xwdBPD deposed and proving that she can't tell the truth under oath.


I was granted sole custody.

There is hope for all who struggle in a co- or parallel-parenting relationship with a BPD.

[Bellerphon]

 

I am very happy to report on March 4, 2013 in southern pro-mother, pro-parental rights court the following occurred.

The Judge suspended all visitation for the xwdBPD. She is unable to visit the children even supervised visitation is ruled out "due to concerns for the children's physical and emotional safety"

Factors that other can use in the case of a high-conflict child custody case.

1. Attachment study pre and post intervention... ." a BPD will never be able to fully complete the attachment based intervention protocol"

2. Heavy and skillful on the documentation collection also  it doesn't hurt the BPD quit therapy, and made several major mistakes with bad decision making.

3. getting your xwdBPD deposed and proving that she can't tell the truth under oath.


I was granted sole custody.

There is hope for all who struggle in a co- or parallel-parenting relationship with a BPD.

[livednlearned]

Hi Bellerphon,

Congratulations, though I know it can be bittersweet. You get protection for your kids, but they still need a lot to help them heal and recover. I'm sure you need some time to make sense of what happens next, but I'm happy for you.

Your story is similar to my case -- the judge terminated ex's visitation and gave me full custody. I'm the mom, but even so, it took 4 years and the evidence was kinda overwhelming that there were serious issues and endangerment. Even the judge issued a gatekeeping order against my ex to keep him out of court   and that still didn't stop him. I guess they finally figured things out when they became the target.

Deposition happened in my case, plus the "heavy and skillful documentation." I'm not sure what #1 is? Attachment study -- can you say a little more about what that is?

[tjay933]

i'm jumping inside with joy for you. so glad for you.   

[ogopogodude]

Isn't it a wonderful feeling knowing NOW the children can be raised in a "normal" peaceful and calm environment... .?

Your story sounds eerily like mine. (You have given us a summary; you should give a detailed story so others can learn from you).

Congratulations.

Now you can focus primarily on your kids.

[ogopogodude]

oh, ... .and yourself.

Sounds selfish, ... .but it is not.

[Bellerphon]

Isn't it a wonderful feeling knowing NOW the children can be raised in a "normal" peaceful and calm environment... .?

Your story sounds eerily like mine. (You have given us a summary; you should give a detailed story so others can learn from you).

Congratulations.

Now you can focus primarily on your kids.

I think i have to be careful in the event she appeals the courts decision.

[Bellerphon]

Hi Bellerphon,

Congratulations, though I know it can be bittersweet. You get protection for your kids, but they still need a lot to help them heal and recover. I'm sure you need some time to make sense of what happens next, but I'm happy for you.

Your story is similar to my case -- the judge terminated ex's visitation and gave me full custody. I'm the mom, but even so, it took 4 years and the evidence was kinda overwhelming that there were serious issues and endangerment. Even the judge issued a gatekeeping order against my ex to keep him out of court   and that still didn't stop him. I guess they finally figured things out when they became the target.

Deposition happened in my case, plus the "heavy and skillful documentation." I'm not sure what #1 is? Attachment study -- can you say a little more about what that is?

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth devised an assessment technique called the Strange Situation Classification (SSC) in order to investigate how attachments might vary between children. Mine is ordered secure. the xdBPDw was disordered/dysregulated... .www.simplypsychology.org/mary-ainsworth.html

[livednlearned]

I hope you don't have to go through the appeals process.

Usually there is a deadline to file, and then that door shuts, so hopefully you'll make it through the window without an appeal being filed.

My ex filed four of them. Not fun. And they hang over your head for a long time. 

So curious about the SSC. Was this in addition to a custody evaluation or part of it? I haven't heard of it before, but it sounds like something that others here would find useful for custody cases.

[Ishenuts]

I am happy for you, but could we have more of the story/background?

You are giving us hope, but it couldn't have been that simple? Drugs? Alcohol? Physical abuse?

I was deposed and his lawyer couldn't "catch me" on anything because I didn't lie. We never got his deposition (big regret!) because I ran out of money. It would've been so helpful because he lies about everything, and I have the documentation, too.

[Bellerphon]

Okay I will give you some background to work with

The xdBPDw  (She is very beautiful, savagely intelligent, very convincing, and has a graduate degree)

- Documented/Admitted hx of poly-substance.

- Documented /Admitted hx of family abuse. My lawyer had to file discovery and we went way back in the email hx to find and mind the data.

- Diagnosed by major medical psych unit. (suspected but unknown till discovery was filed... .when it rolled in I was confident about the outcome). FYI allow the BPD to play as background music and do not reference to much in any litigation. Save it for the end.

- Documented Hx of promiscuity and self image issues.

- Suicidal ideation and hospitalization.

- Documented Hx of Phasing... .a BPD term.

- Clear and Scientific data that showed High-risk attachment style that decompensated to a frightening level over two years.

So as you can see she hit most of the DSM-IV criteria already.

Here is what I found effective

- The effective and surgical use of Requests for admissions and interrogatories... .these are very important, because a borderline cannot keep the truth straight especially when you impeach them on the witness stand.

- Documentation, understand the rules of evidence and begin collecting through discovery and deposition.

- BPD's will crack under pressure and given a construct to operate in they will violate the boundaries... example no contact orders. Use a NCO to allow maintenance of a relationship with the children but to protect you from the manipulation and games.

- a Neutral Children's therapist who is willing to also objectively look at family dynamics... .I had my own set of baggage and issues to overcome as well.

- Take a honest personal inventory and work on improving self and relationship model. ( it is what got you hooked up with the BPD in the first place) I found out in therapy my past is a strong indicator to how I ended up with her.

- Patience and learn and work self regulation.

Oh the cost for this was well over 20K

[ForeverDad]

Based on the level of the decision and order, her filing options could be for a reconsideration, objection or an appeal.  Could be two weeks or a month to wait to see whether it is contested.  And some courts have been known to ignore strictly following the time frames, you know, judicial discretion and all that.

People with BPD (pwBPD) or other acting-out PDs such as Narcissistic, Histrionic, Antisocial or Paranoid can come in all flavors.  Some are mostly waifs or hermits, others are mostly queens or witches, to borrow terms from Christina Ann Lawson's Understanding the borderline Mother.  And depending on the triggers and circumstances they can slip from one mode to another in an instant.

Besides that aspect I also have noticed another, where the parent of either gender can be more concerned with the adult relationships (affairs, new BFs or GFs) than with parenting.  If that's her overall mindset, she may just move on to her next relationships.

When you feel enough time has passed to feel reasonably secure that your court's order isn't being challenged, you can respond to our thoughts.

My Custody Evaluation report did get into 'tangential' thinking as well as other concerns with my ex but there was no diagnosis.  My court must be like most courts, unless there's been a murder, a diagnosis takes back seat to behaviors and behavior patterns and the more 'in depth' aspects would likely fly right over most court's normal scope of concern.  I get the impression you went the extra miles to get very intensive in depth professional reports and testimony, with lawyers and professionals all on the ball.

[livednlearned]

Thanks Bellerphon,

20K is so reasonable compared to what some have paid out over the years. And your case sounds like it had a genuine strategy. I'm happy for you that it wasn't in the 6 digits!

I do think there are certain things that the courts find hard to ignore, like hospitalizations (third-party professional, a verified record of troubled behavior), and pathologic difficulties with authority and/or credibility (depositions, interrogations, no contact orders, motions for contempt). And of course, documentation that can tell a compelling story about the dysregulation and problem parenting.

When I told my L in our first or second meeting about N/BPDx's alcohol abuse, she asked if he had a DUI. When I said no, she said, "Too bad. That's the only kind of alcoholism that counts." 

If you contain the crazy to your home, it doesn't count, apparently.

[momtara]

yeah, 20K is reasonable. good job!

it's a shame it takes that much. it means a child (sometimes very young) is put at risk for YEARS before a court will do something. I'm horrified that any kid is allowed in a car with someone who, for example, has had a DUI. some judges are better than others, I think.

my advice to anyone starting out in a divorce with an ex with issues is not to be weak at the beginning, because you really have a chance to set a precedent. my case started out with my getting a restraining order (and I had a huge bruise on my arm, although it was from struggling over a camera with my ex when I was trying to tape my ex's behavior).  then again, in my case, I just didn't know what to do or that my ex could be dangerous - I did get him into counseling and such.  maybe i needed to give it that try.  BUT if you know off the bat that your kids may be in danger, fight and stick to what you believe

.

[ogopogodude]

One thing that has always bothered me about booze and the court system:  why is it some judges "feel sorry" for an alcoholic? My lawyer said that I have to be careful about the booze issue, as some judges go easy on a parent with a booze problem. This totally bewilders the living crap out of me.

If I was a judge I would tear a strip off of a parent that was a boozer. I would be absolutely RUTHLESS as a judge and state "you are not to see the children --or any children for that matter, no nieces, nephews nor your OWN children-- until you dry up and I get a document from not one but two separate clinics over a year timeframe, ... .because alcoholics are notorious for falling off the wagon.  The cost of going to these clinics will be 100% your responsibility. As well, ... .those clinics are to specifically provide me, and everyone in this room --including the children, when the at the age of 19 minus a day they can open up and read the reports from these clinics--  with a detailed report of your appalling addiction and how it has impacted those around you and how you ROBBED your own children of the childhood they deserve and how you did not give them a stable environment... .In the meantime, your ex-spouse is to have total control of everything,... .the kids, the mortgage renewal process, as alcoholics can't even make proper decisions on such matters, and so on... .In other words: clean up your act, and then we will see you in exactly a year's time frame to see how you have improved, ... .if you haven't, ... .guess what, ... my ruling stands like purgatory. You, Ms XX have to decide what is more important, your life, kids, and husband... .or booze ... .pick one ... .you cannot have both."

Then I would go on to say the last statement: Mr. Lawyer, ... your client disgusts me.

(sorry people, ... .the above is my inside voice.  I don't want to cause a stir or a debate here about alcoholism, I just need to vent, as I internalize things and memories.  This is because I do not have good memories of coming home finding my wife in bed that was totally urinated in and even defecated in as well, all the time the pre-teens are on the main floor as quiet as could be as they know mom is upstairs and is "not feeling well". Then I would put a bath towel underneath her tiny body and clean up after her and caress her forehead while she was unconscious and I comforted her until she awoke from her drunkenness ... .all the while I had to do the dishes, do the laundry, make the kids dinner, breakfast, and so on... .The next day I would go to work & the cycle would go on again and again.  And to this day, she "wonders"why  --and is even angry-- that I left her, ... .good grief... .)

[momtara]

What's worse is the DUI's. Someone who drinks a little when the kids aren't around is a far cry from someone who gets in a car. one time is too much - only makes me wonder about the times they weren't caught.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, claiming "I didn't get DUIs when the kids were in the car" is not a defense.  It still means people were put at risk.  What if ex was DUI and hit YOU while you had the kids in your car?  Just because the kids aren't with the ex doesn't excuse the DUI.

one time is too much - only makes me wonder about the times they weren't caught.

I have never caused an accident or been at fault in one.  Maybe that makes me a good driver but the above is true, even the best of drivers has close calls.  Too many.  Whenever I see an accident, I misquote the old saying, "There but by the grace of happenstance go I".  So if they've only been caught DUI once or twice, odds are there were lots more times they got away with it.

[momtara]

Yup.