Am I being petty about photos?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Three years ago I went NC with my diagnosed Borderline mother.  It wasn't anything in particular that she did.  I think it was because I had too much anger over my childhood and the only thing I was getting out of our relationship was tension and anxiety.  I was 40 years old and finally found the courage to tell her, "Hey, that stuff while I was growing up?  That wasn't right and I need a break from you.".

I don't want a relationship with her but my anger has faded, so I no longer feel the need officially to be NC.  I'd be okay with an occasional email and a brief yearly visit or something.  She would like back in my life because she is missing seeing her grandchildren.

Here's my problem:  I'm very close with my dad and step-mother.  We communicate via Facebook every day.  I show them pics of my kids and they will post updates about taking them to the zoo, etc... .  But my mother just joined Facebook and for reasons unknown to me, my dad and step-mother are "Friends" with her.

I want to ask them not to post photos of my children or talk about them on Facebook.  But I can't put my finger on why I don't want my mother to see them.  Maybe it's because this isn't something that I decided I'm ready for?  Can I tell grandparents not to post about doing things with their grandchildren?  That's kind of the whole point of Facebook for that generation!  Am I being petty about not wanting my mother to see photos of my children?

[Meremom]

Three years ago I went NC with my diagnosed Borderline mother.  It wasn't anything in particular that she did.  I think it was because I had too much anger over my childhood and the only thing I was getting out of our relationship was tension and anxiety.  I was 40 years old and finally found the courage to tell her, "Hey, that stuff while I was growing up?  That wasn't right and I need a break from you.".

I don't want a relationship with her but my anger has faded, so I no longer feel the need officially to be NC.  I'd be okay with an occasional email and a brief yearly visit or something.  She would like back in my life because she is missing seeing her grandchildren.

Here's my problem:  I'm very close with my dad and step-mother.  We communicate via Facebook every day.  I show them pics of my kids and they will post updates about taking them to the zoo, etc... .  But my mother just joined Facebook and for reasons unknown to me, my dad and step-mother are "Friends" with her.

I want to ask them not to post photos of my children or talk about them on Facebook.  But I can't put my finger on why I don't want my mother to see them.  Maybe it's because this isn't something that I decided I'm ready for?  Can I tell grandparents not to post about doing things with their grandchildren?  That's kind of the whole point of Facebook for that generation!  Am I being petty about not wanting my mother to see photos of my children?

[Turkish]

Meremom,

When I was 27, I told my mom that I forgave her for my childhood. The only time i got validation was then, when she tearfully nodded, "thank you.' I then left the state for 3 years. I came back 3 years later, but have not been in constant contact with my mom since then. I talk to her about every 3 weeks, and see her about every 2-3 months.

Having dealt with an uBPDx over the last 6 years, and the breakup a year go, my mom seems kind of tame in comparison. I moved out of her house 25 years ago on my 18th birthday, and haven't spent a night back since then.

Despite my previous forgiveness conversation 16 years ago, I realize that I still harbor resentment towards her, even more so since she finally told me this past summer that she was dBPD.

I've already seen her kind of split my kids, and I resent that, juxtaposed to her taking pride and self-worth in her grandchildren. Do you feel similar resentments?

It must feel invalidating that your SM and your dad friended her on FB. It must feel like your boundaries have been violated. As you said, though, that is the point of FB, to share. For whatever reasons they friended your mom. That cat's out of the bag. That's about them. You can only cntrol your own boundaries. What is your fear here, that she will use this against you to FOG you into inserting herself more into your lives?

[HappyChappy]

... .all I was getting out of our relationship was tension and anxiety.  I was 40 years old and finally found the courage to tell her, ... .  Am I being petty about not wanting my mother to see photos of my children?

BPD put effort into finding things out about us, because they need a truth on which to weave their lies/projection/gas lighting upon. So it's defence mechanism, in your case, to want to hide these photos.  Also, we covert what we see and BPD covert. So if your BPD sees photos, she's more likely to start hovering you back in. If someone isn't BPD, then this would seem odd, and others may see it that way. But in your case, it appears justified. Also, as we aren’t BPD we want to protect our kids, even though we never learnt this from our BPD. Maybe that makes it feel odd ?

It’s great that you have a good relationship with your dad, our dad is still with our BPD, and still not allowed to answer the phone  – .

[pessim-optimist]

It seems like your dad and step-mom have taken this step before you were ready and before you worked this through yourself. That might produce some anxiety, especially since you don't have control over this... .

So, working this through backwards, you say that:

I don't want a relationship with her but my anger has faded, so I no longer feel the need officially to be NC.  I'd be okay with an occasional email and a brief yearly visit or something.  She would like back in my life because she is missing seeing her grandchildren.

Would her being able to see her grandchildren theoretically include her being able to see their pics on FB?

Also, are the pics and posts that your dad and step-mom may post going to go further than you yourself choose to go?

[claudiaduffy]

Here's my problem:  I'm very close with my dad and step-mother.  We communicate via Facebook every day.  I show them pics of my kids and they will post updates about taking them to the zoo, etc... .  But my mother just joined Facebook and for reasons unknown to me, my dad and step-mother are "Friends" with her.

I want to ask them not to post photos of my children or talk about them on Facebook.  But I can't put my finger on why I don't want my mother to see them.  Maybe it's because this isn't something that I decided I'm ready for?  Can I tell grandparents not to post about doing things with their grandchildren?  That's kind of the whole point of Facebook for that generation!  Am I being petty about not wanting my mother to see photos of my children?

Meremom,

It is my understanding that yes, absolutely, you have the legal right to stop anyone (other than another custodial parent) from posting photos of your children. And it is my personal opinion that you really don't need a good-enough reason to do so. Even though you are close with your dad and stepmom, your responsibility is not to protect their wish to enjoy Facebook to the fullest. Your responsibility is to go with your gut in protecting your children and your own well-being. It sounds like your relationship with your dad and stepmom is probably strong and loving enough to weather any awkwardness resulting from this boundary!