Anxious about bringing DD home

[rationalmind]

Well this is an update to a prior post.  In early January I was at the end of my rope, 17 year old DD was chronically running away, assaultive and had started using heroin but not dependent on it (yet).  After 3 weeks of psychiatric hospitalization and 3 weeks of inpatient subtance abuse, it's time for her to go home.  She is going to an adolescent partial hospitalization program for troubled teens.  There she can work on her GED, and afternoons have therapy and be part of a therapeutic community, but will be at home to sleep (hopefully she doesn't get back into her old habits).  Of course I am anxious she is going to start using again, stop going when she turns 18 in a few weeks, be back in touch with the loser thirty something drug dealer boyfriend (of all of one week mind you) and not make the effort. She has moments of great insight and others where she regresses and thinks "she's not so bad compared to others".  I feel this is our last chance to help her turn her life around, but her brain is so young I'm not sure it's possible.   We are planning a cross country move in a few months and have already decided if she continues down the hard drug path she won't be able to come with us as she will legally be an adult and we have a small child at home.

Any advice/hope from folks that have been there?  I'm not expecting a miracle just hopeful for a little less risk taking and a little more insight.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello rationalmind,

Thanks for the update on the situation with your daughter.

It sounds like she has some really good opportunities to turn her life around.

Will she be attending any 12 step programs?  Working part time anywhere?

It would be good for her to not have too much down time to veer off course.  That being said, she must also not become too overwhelmed that she sets herself up for failure either.

Put positive in get positive out... .sometimes it works when they want it to.

lbj

[Mama-san]

Hi Rationalmind,

Thank you for posting an update.  Things change over time and it helps to share our stories.  Sounds like you have realistic expectations for the possible changes. Your concern about the future is understandable.

I really can't give advice but I can share our experience.  Every situation is different.

Our DD is 36, BPD and an addict.  (Rx and street).  Serious problems began at around 14, drug abuse 15.  BPD Dx at age 30. She has been through countless rehabs and hospitalizations.  She is just coming off yet another near-death OD and several hospitalizations for suicide. 

What I would do differently:

1.  Get super educated about BPD. 

2.  Learn the skills and use them. (See 'Tools' on the right side of page-->

3.  Know my limitations and observe them.

4.  Let our DD experience consequences of her actions much sooner.

5.  Be a team, with my husband as much as is possible. Including counseling.

6.  No secrets in the family re mental illness or drug abuse (except for small children, of course)

(Notice most of this has to do with MY behavior )

You have the advantage of an early Dx on your side- a good reason to remain positive.  If your DD wants to get better the possibility is there.

[rationalmind]

Thank you both for the advice.  DD has been home for 3 days.  She "hates" her new program--she thinks it's ridiculous she needs to be "locked away" from 9 to 7 most days.  However, I think she does fear that she is turning 18 and though "she can do whatever she wants then" she knows that if she's not on board with intensive treatment she won't be able to live at home.  I fear I won't be able to follow through but I just feel she is so stubborn she needs real consequences. Some of this threatening to find a less intense program may be venting.  She also is signed up for her GED but says she doesn't need to study.  She's really smart but I guess if she fails she will learn also. 

I believe she has been sober thus far and is on board with that (but now saying her mental health issues aren't so bad, his despite claiming the program is "making me depressed" She has reconnected with friends that don't do drugs, friends that are in school, and some who are in recovery, and distancing herself from using friends. She has her first free day this afternoon so hopefully she will be able to stay on track and actually comes home tonight (main problem aside from substance use was running)

On a positive note, she did share during family group and she is communicating better with me--telling me what she needs, and when she is getting emotional.

What a roller coaster ride. It is what it is, and I know will be for years, but now that she will legally be an adult we have more choices too.

[lbjnltx]

Hello again rationalmind 

Thanks for coming back and posting an update.

You may be right about the venting... .anytime my d was "forced" into doing something she would not have chosen to do on her own she vented a lot! I would listen and validate the feelings she was expressing and then let it go.

Usually before very long the venting would stop and she would embrace that which she initially despised.  The only thing I could do was be there to listen and encourage the positive aspects of the situation once she found the good in them.  I was careful not to overpraise as that sometimes creates a feeling of expectation in a person with BPD.  Phrases like "I see. How do you think that will be helpful to you?" or "It's good to hear that you are liking the program more since you 've been there a while" are encouraging and non threatening.

I hope that she doesn't veer off course with the freedom she has today.  Giving our children more freedom than they are ready to handle sets them up for failure and disappointment in themselves... .not helpful. 

How do you see your role in your d's life changing once she turns 18?

lbj

[rationalmind]

lbj, that's a very good point.  I think she sees value sometimes in what is recommended to her but needs to fight it to "save face".  It's ironic she feels she doesn't have enough freedom--before she went inpatient she was basically free all day and night. Now it's really hard for her to be busy all day.  She doesn't seem to understand the responsibility that comes with being an adult, like having a full time job. 

I honestly feel like her turning 18 is just a number.  But she is obviously scared of it too.  I feel that it gives me more power or choices.  For example, I don't have to tolerate her living in the house if she is not following basic rules. That being said she doesn't really have the ability to forge her own way so hopefully I can use privileges as a "carrot" of sorts.  But having an infant in the house I really won't tolerate the yelling and cursing so we will see. Using hard drugs or bringing drugs in the house are not negotiable. 

But in the end I am hoping for an improved relationship, that once she is no longer legally under my obligation, we can work more towards an adult relationship.  I'm hoping the communication skills we are working on will sink in if only a little.