Breaking the Isolation

[Parents! Get help here!]

Does anyone have any thoughts on breaking the isolation in our household? It's been about a month since my undiagnosed 23 year old son quit his job and had a few other crises and has basically spent the month in the house. He hasn't contacted any friends and family doesn't know what he is going thru. The one time he did attend a family function this past month he faked it very well so basically Dad, son and I are in this together. I want to either invite people over and hope he comes out of the basement or perhaps I should contact his friends or I even thought if I could find some musicians for him to jam with to come to our home since music is his only lifeline. What do you all think? I don't want to embarrass him or make him angry but I feel helpless and want to break the isolation. He won't go anywhere with us. We have tried.

[marie1057]

Does anyone have any thoughts on breaking the isolation in our household? It's been about a month since my undiagnosed 23 year old son quit his job and had a few other crises and has basically spent the month in the house. He hasn't contacted any friends and family doesn't know what he is going thru. The one time he did attend a family function this past month he faked it very well so basically Dad, son and I are in this together. I want to either invite people over and hope he comes out of the basement or perhaps I should contact his friends or I even thought if I could find some musicians for him to jam with to come to our home since music is his only lifeline. What do you all think? I don't want to embarrass him or make him angry but I feel helpless and want to break the isolation. He won't go anywhere with us. We have tried.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Restored2]

Hi marie1057.  This is not an an easy position for everyone involved.  It sounds like your son is quite depressed and withdrawing from life.  Getting him to talk to a counsellor could be the best next step to pull him out of his shell.

[lbjnltx]

Can you get him outdoors?  Some physical activity that you need help with?

Cleaning out the garage (I need help moving this thing)

Shoveling snow (I can't seem to get it done by myself, could you help?)

Removing a dead bush (Can you come look at it and help me figure out how to get it out)

Car repair (It's sounding funny... .would you come listen and give me your opinion?)

Car needs an oil change (Could you follow me down and give me a ride back?)

Clean out the gutters (Not sure I should be on the ladder that much, could you lend me hand?)

Take the Christmas lights down (They've been up way too long, do you think you could help me get that done today?)

Try not to suggest things that would be overwhelming... .just simple tasks that can be managed within a few hours... .then

Follow up with another short task ... .

Let's take that stuff from the garage to the donation center.

We could use a larger snow shovel, will you go pick one up at the hardware store?

Spring is coming soon (I hope!) The Garden Center is already selling trees/bushes, if I get one will you help me plant it?

Can you call the mechanic shop and tell them what it is doing and see what they say?  When we might bring it in?

Now that the gutters are cleaned out they need to be flushed... .can you get the hose out of the shed and hook it up?

Some of the lights on the strands are burned out... .will you help me test them and get them replaced before we store them?

Stay with him... .do tasks together.  I don't know that inviting people to the house is a good idea at this point... .that would be a good step further down the road.

A body in motion tends to stay in motion.  A body at rest tends to stay at rest.

Whenever I wanted my husband to do something and he had been putting it off... .all I had to do was get started on it myself while he was around.  He would jump in and lend a hand... .he wasn't BPD and he was a bit on the lazy side.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi marie1057,

Depression and isolation are hard. Is he mostly spending time online? My son struggles with depression that has been severe at time. Too much time on the computer both helps and hurts him, so I try to limit it. He reads for an hour, then can be online for an hour.

Is it challenging to engage your son in things he likes?  With my son, I offer two things, both that are reasonable for me, and S13 has to choose one or the other. He complains no matter what, and will never say he's glad he got out, or that he's enjoying the activity. I've accepted that being pessimistic is part of his special charm 

I like lbjnltx's suggestion to do simple tasks that can be managed in a few hours. I've started to treat cleaning the house as a social activity for S13. He is at least moving 

My son spent so much time in his bed last year that it's literally caved in. He's no longer allowed to spend the day in bed, it's for sleeping only. Does your son spend most of his time in his room? I won't let my son eat in his room, so he has to come downstairs and interact in the common area, and I've told him he can earn small things like meals in his room if he will take the dog for a walk with me around the neighborhood.

I also think my son needs me as a safety net when he's being social. He actually lightens up in the car, and will vent or open up about things that he would not otherwise tell me. Secretly, I think he wants this, but also has to live up to this reputation he's building as a shut-in.

[marie1057]

Thank you Ibj.  I liked your ideas of asking him to help me with tasks. I actually wrote down your words/questions I can ask him.

[lbjnltx]

Hope at least one will work!