What do you think?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was down with the flu for about a week, and my BPDw ran the full gamut of caring, providing meals, all of which I appreciate a lot and expressed that to her. The day I was pretty much better, but still at home recuperating, she returned from work, explaining about how her co-worker's husband had cheated on her, how that woman is going through the motions of getting enough money to retire and to leave.

It was in that same breath that my BPDw said that she can relate to her friend, that my BPDw and I are in the same boat. She knows and I know that I have never cheated whatsoever! I am an honest upfront type of guy. She said that she has been unable to forgive me for putting my daughter from my first marriage in front of our relationship. I said that I understand her perception or her view of that situation, although I always put my BPDw as my top priority. Nevertheless, she doesn't see it in that way. Mind you, that was 16 years ago!

So, I asked her what does that mean for our relationship now. She said that she still cares for me, that she still loves me, but things have changed permanently. I said that I understand her feelings as well as I could, but I am also deeply hurt by her statement. She asked me what do I expect her to do with my feelings expressed. I said nothing, that all I wanted her to know is how I felt.

I asked her how can we possibly begin to mend when she obviously has unresolved anger. She said she is not angry, which is hard to believe. I asked her when can we begin to deal with mending our relationship. She said with work and with school for the next 2 years, that she has enough to do. So, I suggested that we work on it after she's done with school, to which she said "That's fair".

At least, she said that, but being a BPDw and seeing she can change her mind at a moment's notice, it is difficult for me to trust her commitment, her word.

Yes, I could radically accept that this is how it is and just go with the flow ot it all. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that can fully trust this so-called commitment, because she can easily change her mind, forget, and go on to the next project of the moment.

What do you folks think?

[Samuel S.]

I was down with the flu for about a week, and my BPDw ran the full gamut of caring, providing meals, all of which I appreciate a lot and expressed that to her. The day I was pretty much better, but still at home recuperating, she returned from work, explaining about how her co-worker's husband had cheated on her, how that woman is going through the motions of getting enough money to retire and to leave.

It was in that same breath that my BPDw said that she can relate to her friend, that my BPDw and I are in the same boat. She knows and I know that I have never cheated whatsoever! I am an honest upfront type of guy. She said that she has been unable to forgive me for putting my daughter from my first marriage in front of our relationship. I said that I understand her perception or her view of that situation, although I always put my BPDw as my top priority. Nevertheless, she doesn't see it in that way. Mind you, that was 16 years ago!

So, I asked her what does that mean for our relationship now. She said that she still cares for me, that she still loves me, but things have changed permanently. I said that I understand her feelings as well as I could, but I am also deeply hurt by her statement. She asked me what do I expect her to do with my feelings expressed. I said nothing, that all I wanted her to know is how I felt.

I asked her how can we possibly begin to mend when she obviously has unresolved anger. She said she is not angry, which is hard to believe. I asked her when can we begin to deal with mending our relationship. She said with work and with school for the next 2 years, that she has enough to do. So, I suggested that we work on it after she's done with school, to which she said "That's fair".

At least, she said that, but being a BPDw and seeing she can change her mind at a moment's notice, it is difficult for me to trust her commitment, her word.

Yes, I could radically accept that this is how it is and just go with the flow ot it all. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that can fully trust this so-called commitment, because she can easily change her mind, forget, and go on to the next project of the moment.

What do you folks think?

[enlighten me]

I think the child thing isnt the real issue here.

The fact that you were ill may have triggered abandonment issues in her. It brought on the reality that you are mortal and one day may leave her by dying. This may have made her look for reasons to devalue the relationship as a form of self protection. By doing thissit may have brought back to her  that she is in her opinion not as important to you as your children are.

Just my thought and may be way off mark.

[Michelle27]

I think the child thing isnt the real issue here.

The fact that you were ill may have triggered abandonment issues in her. It brought on the reality that you are mortal and one day may leave her by dying. This may have made her look for reasons to devalue the relationship as a form of self protection. By doing thissit may have brought back to her  that she is in her opinion not as important to you as your children are.

Just my thought and may be way off mark.

I was thinking the same thing.  My uBPDh says now that his rages over the years were NEVER about what he was raging about.  They were always about something deeper, often things he couldn't understand at the time.

[OnceConfused]

why working on relationship or marriage has to wait for 2 years? R.S is something we must work on every day as a part of our living arrangement, to make it lasting.

When I was married to my late 1st wife for 17 years, when the kids came, we were kind of ignoring our r.s and masked the whole thing with child rearing. I was hoping to rekindle our love and our r.s once the kids are out of the house, but little did I know that that day never came as she was killed in a car accident. After that , I did a lot of reading and also learned that many couples after kids out of the house, ended up in divorce. Their love has died because no one nurtures it for a long time.

You don't have to apologize for putting your daughter first for she is your blood. BPD will come and go but your daughter will be there. I have 3 daughters from the 1st marriage, and so though I need companionship but I still am taking care of my daughters.

I do not ask my new wife to take care of my children, and I also don't want her to interfere with my caring  for my kids. In fact, a large % of my assets including that from my 1st wife will be going to my kids or grand kids when I die. My now wife at times does not want that but that is a part of the deal. take it or leave it.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw earns about 3 times more than I do. That's the financial reality. Today, I met with our CPA to deal with our taxes for last year. This lady we have had for some 14 years now, and she has known what I earn along with what my BPDw earns. She made a comment today about my earnings for which I had no response. She said: "You are a kept man." While I make far less than my BPDw and while our CPA was only commenting about my financial situation, she has no idea whatsoever that her "kept man" is not only financial, but also relates to how my BPDw has been abusive, manipulative, and selfish. So, needless to say, I felt very depressed about her comment, and she might as well have said that I am a trapped man. I don't know what our CPA's intention was, but besides the emotional impact, was she being unprofessional? I almost feel like changing to another CPA for next year. I am not obligated to go with her any time. As for my BPDw saying something and as for our current CPA maybe contacting me next year, I can just make up some excuse. All I do know is that I am depressed and hurt, because this comment just deepens the loneliness I feel and how I trapped I am.

[Samuel S.]

Now that I am over the flu, I have had an incessant cough. I have gotten an inhaler, an antibiotic, acupuncture, and now cough syrup. I am also going to get a chest x-ray for possible pneumonia, although I don't think it is, seeing that I have had 3 bouts of it beforehand, and it doesn't feel like it.

The reason why I am saying all of the above is because my BPDw seems to be genuinely concerned and has sought advice from her acupuncture teacher. Some of you have said that she probably is concerned due to the possibility of getting really sick or worse... .

To top it all off, my BPDw has gone through a lot of stress lately due to her studies, the passing of her best friend's father, and work. Even with all of this, she has expressed her frustration, and I have listened and validated. The end result is that she has not been abusive with me at all. I frankly don't know if I should trust this obvious turn around or not or if it is just something temporary, that she will resort to her old, abusive ways. Also, I have had an extremely difficult time dealing with forgiving her. So, I am wondering how you folks might view my current situation. Thank you for any feedback that you may have!