uBPDw wants to return

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

uBPDw is out of town.  She did a few weeks in-patient for an eating disorder, and has been staying with family in another state while doing some out-patient.

She wants to come back, and asked me today to list what I think needs to be accomplished before she can book a flight back here.  Originally she was going to buy a ticket, but I insisted we have a session over the phone with her therapist before she bought a ticket. 

The biggest thing is I want her to be healthy.  I'm on the fence about the marriage as it is, but she obviously needs help and if she's willing, I'm willing to be supportive.  I do care about her, even if I wake up some mornings and want to cut and run.  We have no kids, and we've been married just under three years.

Over the past few years the manipulation has escalated from "if you love me, you'll XYZ" to "I won't live in a marriage with/without XYZ" to threats of violence, suicidal ideation, punching a hole in a wall, and telling me that she prays that I die.

It's easy to set boundaries for the unsafe (for either of us) environment.  If she hints at hurting herself, we go to the ER (by car or 911).  If she hints at violence, I'm gone.  I won't live like that, and I feel I can articulate it well enough to make it clear, and if she does return I have no problem what-so-ever enforcing that boundary.

How would I articulate success in that area?  Obviously she could just say, "I'm sorry, and I don't feel that way anymore; I'm better now," and want to return.  How would I ask her to demonstrate improvement so that she has a goal to work for, she can be held accountable, and that we're both safe?

We're going to have an over the phone session with her therapist in a few weeks.  Maybe let the therapist help define the goal?  Maybe she needs to get at the root of why she feels/says those things?

I'm at a loss of how to respond to her request.  I would rather her continue to work towards being healthy back home with her family, and avoid (if possible) her coming back here only to have me walk out because she threatened me.

Thanks for any input,

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

uBPDw is out of town.  She did a few weeks in-patient for an eating disorder, and has been staying with family in another state while doing some out-patient.

She wants to come back, and asked me today to list what I think needs to be accomplished before she can book a flight back here.  Originally she was going to buy a ticket, but I insisted we have a session over the phone with her therapist before she bought a ticket. 

The biggest thing is I want her to be healthy.  I'm on the fence about the marriage as it is, but she obviously needs help and if she's willing, I'm willing to be supportive.  I do care about her, even if I wake up some mornings and want to cut and run.  We have no kids, and we've been married just under three years.

Over the past few years the manipulation has escalated from "if you love me, you'll XYZ" to "I won't live in a marriage with/without XYZ" to threats of violence, suicidal ideation, punching a hole in a wall, and telling me that she prays that I die.

It's easy to set boundaries for the unsafe (for either of us) environment.  If she hints at hurting herself, we go to the ER (by car or 911).  If she hints at violence, I'm gone.  I won't live like that, and I feel I can articulate it well enough to make it clear, and if she does return I have no problem what-so-ever enforcing that boundary.

How would I articulate success in that area?  Obviously she could just say, "I'm sorry, and I don't feel that way anymore; I'm better now," and want to return.  How would I ask her to demonstrate improvement so that she has a goal to work for, she can be held accountable, and that we're both safe?

We're going to have an over the phone session with her therapist in a few weeks.  Maybe let the therapist help define the goal?  Maybe she needs to get at the root of why she feels/says those things?

I'm at a loss of how to respond to her request.  I would rather her continue to work towards being healthy back home with her family, and avoid (if possible) her coming back here only to have me walk out because she threatened me.

Thanks for any input,

Gomez

[Henry II]

YOU NEED TO DO SOME MORE READING ABOUT BPD's and you will be able  to answer for yourself. If I could get out I would. 29 years of the same stuff. Over and over again and again. Not really worth it. Luck

[Mike-X]

This is definitely something I have thought about, "What if she wants to come back?"

You mentioned that she has received some treatment for an eating disorder, but how about BPD?

Will she continue treatment if she comes back? That is, has she searched for and talked with a therapist in your area, someone with expertise in BPD?

Has she apologized? Has she acknowledged having a disorder or multiple disorders?

What would you want your life and relationship to be like if she did come back? What are your fears?

What work have you done to heal from the dysfunctional relationship and breakup?

[Aurylian]

It would almost be better if you were divorced and then could look at restarting the relationship and then evaluating what you want to do.  Certainly having the therapist dictate what needs to happen could help if they have a lot of BPD experience.  I could also see it making sense for you to first visit her on her turf (where she is now) a few times before having her come back. 

You are right in thinking that you aren't doing anyone any favors by having her come back into a situation where she is likely to fail.

[gomez_addams]

It would almost be better if you were divorced and then could look at restarting the relationship and then evaluating what you want to do.  Certainly having the therapist dictate what needs to happen could help if they have a lot of BPD experience.  I could also see it making sense for you to first visit her on her turf (where she is now) a few times before having her come back. 

You are right in thinking that you aren't doing anyone any favors by having her come back into a situation where she is likely to fail.

This is good feedback.  Thanks.

I am planning a visit this summer to see her (and family).

I get enough passive-aggressive hints at divorce from her -- where she throws it out there, in a way she can deny -- that I sometimes daydream of just saying, "Okay, dear.  I think you're right."  But I really am trying to be helpful.  Even if we divorce, I want to ensure I've done my part to be supportive (up until the divorce) to put her on the right track.  I doubt she could hold (or would be willing to hold?) a job right now.

But I certainly won't stay married-but-separated and paying her way through life forever.  If she can't move back, she must move on.

Gomez