Need help with uBPDM's new trick

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everybody,

It's been raining crazy over here, and I could use some advice quickly.

uBPDm has been exaggerating that SD6 has been ill. She has had a cold. No fever, vomiting, etc. not having trouble sleeping or asking to stay home from school.

But uBPDm has now sent a email saying that at her house SD6 has been having trouble breathing and sleeping along with a list of medications she has been administering. Stating that her illness has been getting progressively worse and she is fearful of SD6 health.  Asking us what meds we have been giving (none) and requesting that we need to take to the dr or she will. (Implying we are neglecting her health as she is not allowed to make dr appts because we have full custody)

This kid isn't sick, but mom has found a new way to point a disparaging finger at us for neglect, and we are being forced to take  her to the dr to disprove it. Which is unnecessary and frustrating. And this also means she has now found  a new way to gain face time when we just got the order to make all exchanges at school. Because hellfire and brimstone would not keep her away from a dr appt. she makes a BIG deal about being informed of them at once.

Any experience with this would be very appreciated.

[bravhart1]

Hi everybody,

It's been raining crazy over here, and I could use some advice quickly.

uBPDm has been exaggerating that SD6 has been ill. She has had a cold. No fever, vomiting, etc. not having trouble sleeping or asking to stay home from school.

But uBPDm has now sent a email saying that at her house SD6 has been having trouble breathing and sleeping along with a list of medications she has been administering. Stating that her illness has been getting progressively worse and she is fearful of SD6 health.  Asking us what meds we have been giving (none) and requesting that we need to take to the dr or she will. (Implying we are neglecting her health as she is not allowed to make dr appts because we have full custody)

This kid isn't sick, but mom has found a new way to point a disparaging finger at us for neglect, and we are being forced to take  her to the dr to disprove it. Which is unnecessary and frustrating. And this also means she has now found  a new way to gain face time when we just got the order to make all exchanges at school. Because hellfire and brimstone would not keep her away from a dr appt. she makes a BIG deal about being informed of them at once.

Any experience with this would be very appreciated.

[DreamGirl]

I'd just take her to the Doctor.

She's a mama who does not have custody and who is not allowed to make a doctor's appt. for her kiddo. I mean from where I'm standing, that's pretty telling to me who struggles as a parent.

I might just send a note back ---

"Gosh her cold must've gotten worse this weekend. If she's that sick, let's get her an appointment. It's Wednesday at Noon.

See you there."

If she's not sick, she's not sick. It is frustrating that she's trying to save face in such a dysfunctional way, but I wouldn't waste a lot of time getting worked up over it.

Let the doctor settle this one.

[tjay933]

But uBPDm has now sent a email saying that at her house SD6 has been having trouble breathing and sleeping along with a list of medications she has been administering. Stating that her illness has been getting progressively worse and she is fearful of SD6 health.

is there something at the mom's house that the child is allergic to? smoker? dust? pollens? pets? that can cause breathing and sleeping problems in children too and accentuate cold symptoms. not that I'm asking you to grill her on those but maybe a trip to an allergist to confirm so you can give the list to mom so she has a doctors confirmation on it?

[Cleveland]

I had something similar a few weeks ago (right before our custody hearing no less).

I informed udBPDexgf that our D3 had a fever - 100.5, not serious.  And asked if she could stay home with her the next day due to her flexible schedule.

When I finally got a response, she suggested I take her to the doctor's in the morning.  I didn't bother questioning why, but was thinking, we have never done that with a low grade fever on the first day.

And it dawned on me, she was trying to create a situation where I did not do something that may be considered in the best interest of my daughter.  So, I called the overnight nurse practitioner, gave her the symptoms, she told me there was no reason for her to come in to see the doc unless it lasts more than 3-4 days, the fever increases, or the symptoms change.

So I texted that info back to the ex.

Actually she may tried something else last week - she took D in for her annual checkup and the doc made some suggestions to change in her diet to help her lose some baby fat.  Ex made it sound like she HAD to have this stricter diet.  And never answered my direct questions, like if PB&J was ok, goldfish as a snack, etc.  She would only reply with what she was doing in terms of D's diet.  So I called the doc myself and got the rundown.

Emailed her that I did so and what the doc and I discussed and my plans going forward, even saying if she wanted to discuss things further or had suggestions for me, I was open to hearing them.   

Just got run the end around on them and get info straight from the source that they will have a harder time disputing.

[livednlearned]

These are hard situations.

My ex did the same thing. He had a streak of hypochondria that he would project onto S13.

I think it helps to figure out if you want to be right, or you want to minimize the conflict. I'm taking this mindfulness-based stress reduction class (wishing I took it at age 5  ) and there is this part that says pain x resistance = suffering. I swear a whole bucket of daisies rained down on my head when I read that, so enlightening!

A lot of dealing with crazy exes is deciding what you want to do with the pain.

With N/BPDx, I would tell him thank you for being so concerned and I appreciated how closely he was paying attention to S13's health. And if he wanted to know doses, time, etc. I just told him. And toward the end, when N/BPDx was competing to be Father of the Year by memorizing S13's medical history (true story), I talked to the pediatrician in private and told her we were in a high-conflict custody situation and that I was filing for legal custody because N/BPDx was having a hard time with things.

Not that the pain went away, because the pain is real. Just that I figured out I could control the suffering a little, even if it meant conceding that the pain existed.

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDxw does this stuff all the time.  One cough and Oh my god it must be STREP! RUNNNNNNNNNN don't walk to get swabbed immediately!  WOW the world is coming to an end!  My baby she coughed!   

My SO has Medical decision making but will often take the kids to get checked out (or swabbed) just to shut down the crazy 

(Otherwise he follows common sense regarding his kids illnesses in terms of staying home from school and doctor visits)

[Nope]

It sounds to me, Bravehart, that you are struggling with a very ubiquitous question when it comes to dealing with a controlling BPD: "Sure, we could let her get away with it this time, but if we show her it worked once will we be made to jump through this hoop every single time she wants to play this game?" What I find I often forget is that she doesn't actually have the power to make DH and I react to the same situation the same way every time. What I'm saying is that you can go ahead and get the alleged cold checked out this time, and then decide separately what you'll do about the alleged reoccurring rash later. (Not that next time it'll necessarily be about a rash, but you get my point.) Heck, maybe she will stop after the first time when she gets something that feels like validation by thinking she was taken seriously about this.

I feel like I get really stuck sometimes because of my own need to make sure their mom feels powerless and like we are aware that she is absolutely wrong about everything. I do this because she doesn't even handle the illusion of having any control very well. She tries constantly to abuse any control she still has. Also because she never seems to do anything based on the kids best interests. It's all about her and I feel like she needs to know we see right through her. In short: When I get frustrated I forget she's sick and treat her like a sane person who is very manipulative.

But to be honest, unless there is some pressing reason (like a court order) I wouldn't give her the opportunity to be at the appointment. If she didn't make a big deal out of appointments then she'd just make a big deal out of something else. Since we do email communication almost exclusively she can go ahead and send all the nasty emails she wants. I'd take that over the face to face entitled victimhood I've had to deal with in person and in front of the kids.

[bravhart1]

Thanks for the help. I think I need to clarify a couple points. SD6 has been in my care since Sunday. She will continue to be with us for the rest of the weekend. She's not even at her moms, so how can her mom say she is so sick she needs an appt?  She is just not sick. She DOES has the sniffles. It may even be allergies, as that pretty common where we are, but last year BPDm got lost it when we suggested SD6 had allergies.

She waited until SD6 was on our time to sound the alarm? She even said that a few times over the past weekend that SD6 was struggling to breath and was in fear for her medically and yet she did nothing. Clearly and not for nothing this isn't the first time she's pulled this, and it never goes well. I guess I just hate feeling like I'm being set up. If I don't take her to the dr, then the next time her mom has her, she will take to to the emergency room and claim she got her back on her death bed. (Also been done before)

She doesn't amplify the fact that the dr said SD6 wasn't sick, just that she requested a dr appt and we didn't take her, suggesting we are neglectful.

Why do I care? Because I am just not comfortable with someone saying I'm not taking good enough care of their child. I take better care of her than myself, or my own children. It feels bad. And frankly I'm worn out.

Sorry about the bold, I hit a button and I just can't undo it  

[tjay933]

with this new intel, sounds like an attention attempt. or hoping that she can get full custody to avoid the feeling of abandonment of her child? who is in charge of her doctor apts/health or is there an order?

what is the worst that will happen if she takes her to the er room on her time? doctor looks sideways at her and she's written off as a drama queen in need of  attention? it works against her to do that, so let her do it. you know the child is fine and you are the clearest thinking one.

my s10 has the sniffles year round from allergies. i ask him if he wants meds, he either says no (usually) or if he's feeling really snotty yes. if she's fine, don't waste your time worrying about what the ex thinks. do what is in the childs best interests which if your ers are anything like mine, are hours of germ infested air and surfaces that WILL make you sick.

[bravhart1]

Unfortunately she simply can not help herself if she gets into a medical situation alone she has a tendency to lie. Like pathologically.

And yes her regular dr is aware, but the er docs don't get clued in until later, if ever. She is very convincing and I guess they must think "why would she lie about her kid being sick?"

She will tell the dr some dramatic occurrence and neglect to mention she hasn't even seen this child in seven days. She can not make dr appts unless it's an emergency, so she creates emergencies. She is allowed and goes to every appt. we make for legitimate purposes.

I just am very bothered by the need to dramatize when ever she can and make it our problem. I spent 45 minutes in a teacher conference today over her antics, only to come home to this email.

[catclaw]

dear bravheart,

that sounds horribly familiar. i already wrote it in another topic (the co-sleeping one) that on some weekends that he's over with uBPDm she would write terrifying stories on how ill SS7 is and that WE need to gve him this and that medicine when he's back otherwise he wouldn't be able to stand the pain etc etc. When DH tells her to go to the ER, she never would. It's just that same thing. She wants to show that we neglect his health. Example: She picks him up, some stranger gives him candy on their way home, he eats it, he vomits, DH gets a message "kid is vomiting and has high fever, what did you give him for lunch?". She isn't even half an hour gone by then. It goes on on an on, lying about fever and medicine and stuff and she never takes him to a doctor. It is always just emergency via whatsapp and if DH doesn't react in a way she expects, everything is OK again (when SS is allowed to co-sleep).

It's stressful and hurtful. Especially if there isn't anything you can do about it. DH tells her to go to the dcotor if she as a mother thinks it's an emergency (because we know that if it isn't that bad, she will be too lazy to go there). But your situation is different - she isn't allowed to make an appointment. That's a tough thing to deal with - bravheart, don't let this get you down... You're doing the right thing. You react like a rational yet loving human being and this is more important than anything else right now. Document everything. If your SD is ill on every other weekend she spends with mom, this isn't a good sign either. She's digging her own grave with that behaviour. If she goes on like this, on the long term, this will be a great mistake for her.

That's what I tell myself as well , like ALL THE TIME.

I experienced (both on uBPDm and while working in mental health care) that pwBPD have a tendency to act on sheer impulse. Most of the time, this fulfills a need they feel in THIS VERY MOMENT (blaming someone? being needed by a sick kid? raging for raging's sake? having a cunning plan of parental alienation?). Later on, this can result in negative consequences, but that is, like, a hundred steps away and not so important when the impulse is so close and so irresistible.

[bravhart1]

Thanks catsclaw, I really appreciate your wise words. I will tell her of course she can seek out emergency care if she feels it's necessary,  (which of course she can) but that we aren't seeing any illness in SD6 that merits a DR appt. at this time.