honesty and guilt

[emergent]

My partner knows that I am thinking of leaving. This puts her in a very difficult spot, where the pressure is intense to act with respect. Still, she has a very hard time speaking to me civilly much of the time, although she can usually do it with other people.

This week and next, the kids are on school vacation (we live in France, where there are LOTS of school vacations), and some friends invited us to join them in the Alps for a few days. I knew the answer would be a big no from BPDw, but I didn't expect the reasons she gave. I thought it would be because we spend lots of time already with these friends, because she's tired, because she doesn't like me enjoying time with other people (although she'd phrase that differently!). But she told me no, because she's feeling fragile right now, insecure because of the uncertainty of our future together. She said that if this issue came up even in her head while we were all together on holiday, she'd have no place to run away to and would have to bury the feeling, basically. It makes sense, really, but I wonder if it's just guilt tactics.

Has anyone else let their partner know they may leave the relationship? Doesn't this make you feel guilty?

I have always been honest with BPDw and I have a clear conscience on that count. But I feel like I should make a final decision (of course I should) so that she doesn't have to go through this uncertainty anymore. The problem is, I feel totally incapable of making the decision, one way or the other.

[Michelle27]

My husband knows I am at the end of my rope and that I have a finite amount of time in mind in which I need to see certain things from him (no rages in my presence, aggressively pursuing treatment, etc.) and yes, while it does make me feel guilty at times because I feel like we're in limbo and I know he feels like there is an ax hanging over his head, it's what I need in order to have any hope that our relationship can be healed. 

I do believe that for my own emotional health I need to leave, but I also need to feel like I truly gave it one last shot and for me, that's what having him knowing where I am in my head is all about.  I didn't tell him because I wanted to threaten him, but I'm sure that's how it feels to him.  He also says he understands why I do have one foot out the door and wants to make things better, but I've heard those words before, so I need to see action not hear words.

[emergent]

Yes, it's the same for me: I am open about it, not in order to threaten, but it is taken as a threat. I regularly encounter nasty accusations of being a horrible person for having told her I want out. She reminds me that I took a vow when we got married to stick it out through all the difficulties we may encouter, and to love her for all that she is. She says I'm not giving "us" enough time, enough of a chance.

I think she'd rather me not talk about how her behaviour makes me feel on a daily basis, let alone talk about how thin she has worn me over the years. My feelings (good or bad, for that matter) seem beyond the range of what she can/wants to hear. The fact that I am considering leaving her truly makes me a demon; even though it's never been framed as an ultimatum or a threat, this is how she sees it. Actually, she sees basically everything as a threat.

I keep thinking, maybe the shock of it is waking her up, even if that was not my intent. Maybe she will recognize that this thing that's wrong may indeed be coming from her. But like you, I've heard it all before: she wants to make it better, she wants to work on our communication problems. And there is no improvement on her side.

[tjay933]

i find that persons w BPD like to use FOG to keep us around."Fear", "Obligation", "Guilt". i feel they all use it and often as a form of manipulation. we need to heal ourselves before we can stop feeling the fog from them and see it as it is-a way to get what they want-nothing more. its all about them. 

yes, they are very confused without cut and dry answers. think of them as a two year old. they don't know how to deal with any emotions and have tantrums. their response when they don't have a definite yes or no is similar to a child when you don't give them a yes or no-confused. but when you do give them the no, they blow.

stay safe. keep the kids safe-this is our prime obligation to them.