Is this true? If so, why?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey all! 

Here's some food for thought/a question.

Did you ever find it easy to open up to your exN/BPDpartner?

I'm the kind of guy, I do NOT open up very easily. I hardly ever talk much about my past and my childhood. And very rarely do I let on how that makes me feel etc. HOWEVER, with my exN/BPDgf, she knew everything about me within 3 months!

I feel it could be because I found her to be so open, intelligent and insightful. And also because our first conversation was quite explicit, ie what we both like behind closed doors! Something which I had not really shared with anyone!

I remember times when she would consciously make an effort to break down my barriers. And I can see that all of this was for control and power.

My question is, if we are indeed more likely to open up to someone with N/BPD and why?

What is also weird is that normally, I would have an issue with someone or an ex knowing too much about me (how I think and my past), with her I don't really care that she knows all of that. I thought that would have bugged me more! Glad that it isn't bugging me as I thought it would!

A thought just crossed my mind, I am so glad I am not with her!

[GrowThroughIt]

Hey all! 

Here's some food for thought/a question.

Did you ever find it easy to open up to your exN/BPDpartner?

I'm the kind of guy, I do NOT open up very easily. I hardly ever talk much about my past and my childhood. And very rarely do I let on how that makes me feel etc. HOWEVER, with my exN/BPDgf, she knew everything about me within 3 months!

I feel it could be because I found her to be so open, intelligent and insightful. And also because our first conversation was quite explicit, ie what we both like behind closed doors! Something which I had not really shared with anyone!

I remember times when she would consciously make an effort to break down my barriers. And I can see that all of this was for control and power.

My question is, if we are indeed more likely to open up to someone with N/BPD and why?

What is also weird is that normally, I would have an issue with someone or an ex knowing too much about me (how I think and my past), with her I don't really care that she knows all of that. I thought that would have bugged me more! Glad that it isn't bugging me as I thought it would!

A thought just crossed my mind, I am so glad I am not with her!

[Clearmind]

For me yes and its complex.

1) did my ex really know me really? How can you truly know someone after 3 months. We both mirrored. I mirrored his likes and dislikes and he mirrored mine. Neither of us entered our relationship knowing ourselves and I bent myself to fit and vice versa. I thoughts I'd found my soul mates

2) my ex had no boundaries so was very open with me. I felt understood! Why did I trust my very personal information with someone I didn't know well

3) if he shared so much why didn't I listen and ignore the red flags? I needed to be needed just as much as he did.

4) did I listen to the words or look out for the actions? I most definitely hung on his every word like it was gospel without ground truthing.

I also don't share with others and keep myself very guarded. My ex was perfect for me. He helped me feel more understood than any other person I had known. I worked on my own past rather than focused on my ex.

I attached to a Borderline. Question is why?

[GrowThroughIt]

For me yes and its complex.

1) did my ex really know me really? How can you truly know someone after 3 months. We both mirrored. I mirrored his likes and dislikes and he mirrored mine. Neither of us entered our relationship knowing ourselves and I bent myself to fit and vice versa. I thoughts I'd found my soul mates

2) my ex had no boundaries so was very open with me. I felt understood! Why did I trust my very personal information with someone I didn't know well

3) if he shared so much why didn't I listen and ignore the red flags? I needed to be needed just as much as he did.

4) did I listen to the words or look out for the actions? I most definitely hung on his every word like it was gospel without ground truthing.

I also don't share with others and keep myself very guarded. My ex was perfect for me. He helped me feel more understood than any other person I had known. I worked on my own past rather than focused on my ex.

I attached to a Borderline. Question is why?

True. True.

I have to admit as well, I needed to be needed as well.

As for why we attached to a borderline... .my guess is this, if we just wanted to be understood. And upon that understanding, be accepted and then wanted, it would fill that feeling of needing to be needed. Somebody needed us having understood us! It is like the ultimate validation. They know us inside out and they still want us. They know our highest aspirations and our darkest fears, yet they still think we are God's gift! The mirroring makes it even worse because they put us on a pedestal with these ideals they attach to us (false or not) and then mirror them, so now we are left thinking that they are God's gift, and that we are most definitely soulmates. So if the above is true than it makes sense why those who feel the need to be needed (validated?) would fall for a Borderline, as the initial idealisation/love bombing stage is second nature to a Borderline.

[jhkbuzz]

For me yes and its complex.

1) did my ex really know me really? How can you truly know someone after 3 months. We both mirrored. I mirrored his likes and dislikes and he mirrored mine. Neither of us entered our relationship knowing ourselves and I bent myself to fit and vice versa. I thoughts I'd found my soul mates

2) my ex had no boundaries so was very open with me. I felt understood! Why did I trust my very personal information with someone I didn't know well

3) if he shared so much why didn't I listen and ignore the red flags? I needed to be needed just as much as he did.

4) did I listen to the words or look out for the actions? I most definitely hung on his every word like it was gospel without ground truthing.

All of the above - verbatim.  The only thing I would add is that I was very unhappy with my life circumstances when we met - which made it very easy for me to get swept away.

[Copperfox]

For me yes and its complex.

1) did my ex really know me really? How can you truly know someone after 3 months. We both mirrored. I mirrored his likes and dislikes and he mirrored mine. Neither of us entered our relationship knowing ourselves and I bent myself to fit and vice versa. I thoughts I'd found my soul mates

2) my ex had no boundaries so was very open with me. I felt understood! Why did I trust my very personal information with someone I didn't know well

3) if he shared so much why didn't I listen and ignore the red flags? I needed to be needed just as much as he did.

4) did I listen to the words or look out for the actions? I most definitely hung on his every word like it was gospel without ground truthing.

I also don't share with others and keep myself very guarded. My ex was perfect for me. He helped me feel more understood than any other person I had known. I worked on my own past rather than focused on my ex.

I attached to a Borderline. Question is why?

All of the above - verbatim.  The only thing I would add is that I was very unhappy with my life circumstances when we met - which made it very easy for me to get swept away.

A great list.  The question really is: why?  Why did we attach to a person with borderline traits?  Why did we gloss over the red flags?  Some of us may have been in a good place, some in a bad.  Some of us may have our own issues.  And perhaps some of us just didn't know any better.  We had a dream, and they seemed to embody it.  We saw what we wanted to ... .we are often the masters of our own illusion.

At the same time, she seemed to somehow circumvent all the normal defense mechanisms I had.  Still trying to figure out how ... .

Live and learn, I guess.

[BorisAcusio]

For me yes and its complex.

1) did my ex really know me really? How can you truly know someone after 3 months. We both mirrored. I mirrored his likes and dislikes and he mirrored mine. Neither of us entered our relationship knowing ourselves and I bent myself to fit and vice versa. I thoughts I'd found my soul mates

2) my ex had no boundaries so was very open with me. I felt understood! Why did I trust my very personal information with someone I didn't know well

3) if he shared so much why didn't I listen and ignore the red flags? I needed to be needed just as much as he did.

4) did I listen to the words or look out for the actions? I most definitely hung on his every word like it was gospel without ground truthing.

I also don't share with others and keep myself very guarded. My ex was perfect for me. He helped me feel more understood than any other person I had known. I worked on my own past rather than focused on my ex.

I attached to a Borderline. Question is why?

All of the above - verbatim.  The only thing I would add is that I was very unhappy with my life circumstances when we met - which made it very easy for me to get swept away.

A great list.  The question really is: why?  Why did we attach to a person with borderline traits?  Why did we gloss over the red flags?  Some of us may have been in a good place, some in a bad.  Some of us may have our own issues.  And perhaps some of us just didn't know any better.  We had a dream, and they seemed to embody it.  We saw what we wanted to ... .we are often the masters of our own illusion.

At the same time, she seemed to somehow circumvent all the normal defense mechanisms I had.  Still trying to figure out how ... .

Live and learn, I guess.

Well, relying on the stories I came along in the last 14 months, it seems to me that by the end of the infatuation stage, all of us knew that something was wrong, and chose to not invastage it for the sake of the fantasy which in fact, seemd so rewarding, familiar, even life-affirming.

[raisins3142]

What Boris said.

Also, I was at a vulnerable spot and had not been in a relationship for a while and was not having sex regularly at all.

I really wasn't looking or putting any effort into fixing that, however.  And she was literally brought to me by her friend.  Very easy, like take out Chinese food.  

Also, early on I had a very nonjudgmental attitude.  That is because I don't judge harshly when humans make relatively "normal" mistakes, meaning I don't harshly judge the "typical" human condition (stuff in that cluster that doesn't make you shout "damn! that is weird!".

So, early on I told her things like "I'm not too concerned about people's sexual history and find it is not good to talk about that in detail."

When I said that, she smiled, and I noticed perhaps a bit too widely, and agreed with me.

Well, then as things progressed, all these things started emerging from the woodwork that put her in the "damn! that is weird!" category where a certain threshold is leaped past.  At that point, I start to lose my nonjudgmental attitude because I am dealing with something different, that I don't understand.

But how do you now express, "I've changed my mind, and you've told me enough stuff that I'm evaluating you as unsuitable for me" ?  Or how do you then start digging, to investigate, when before you seemed like it was the farthest thing from your mind?  So, I sat in a torrent of disorder and lies/inconsistencies and murky past that made me uncomfortable.  And I tried to maintain this breezy attitude, but also dig a bit.  When I did, she picked up on it, and lied more and made things worse for us and my state of mind.

I think I would still approach things somewhat the same way, but just be more willing to walk when the crazy shows up.  That's what I did in the past, and it worked better.  I stayed too long this time without a doubt.  This approach works pretty well for me when dealing with typical people without a jeffrey dahmer-terror dome of skeletons in their "closet".  When and if I am surprised again (hopefully I'll catch it early), I'll just excuse myself in a nice way.  

[Mutt]

The mirroring makes it even worse because they put us on a pedestal with these ideals they attach to us (false or not) and then mirror them, so now we are left thinking that they are God's gift, and that we are most definitely soulmates.

I didn't understand relationship terms like idealization, mirroring at the time and I did understand what a honeymoon period was which is common in relationships wit lh non-disordered and disordered alike.

I recall reflecting on a thought and thinking "wow, I can really get along with her, we share so many things in common and what I like the most is she's grounded like me. I think she's the one and I may be making a huge mistake if I let her go" I think differently today in the context that we are compatible with many people and "the one" is a mythology.

That being said, I was also not attracted with her neediness when we initially me. I'm an introverted person and she would want to spend every moment with me which made me feel uncomfortable. I was depressed and likely at the time and being put on a pedestal and idealized felt good and I felt like she was a distraction with anxiety and panic attacks I was suffering from at the time.

I also have to agree that I was wanting for this fantasy to continue and it had felt life affirming as well. I clearly recall when her attention had ceased and was no longer focused on me. Things started to change and the focus was on her.


Up until the last month or two for the relationship a thought that I had thought about many times "Where is the woman I met. Why has she turned so mean towards me?" What I didn't understand was idealization and devaluation and I was wanting to be idealized again.

I could have Googled and I thought about it and I was in a denial and I was scared of what I would find.

[blissful_camper]

Did you ever find it easy to open up to your exN/BPDpartner?

I went into the r/s open and trusting and felt comfortable being open.  I'd know him for many years before we transitioned to a romantic r/s.  I saw his first rage pretty quickly.  He was triggered and shutting down.  I asked him to share what was on his mind.  His response was to yell and rage at me.   I didn't feel safe expressing my thoughts and feelings after that experience.  Each time I was lured into sharing my feelings (reassured by him that it was safe) I was shown it actually wasn't safe for me to do so.  Since the b/u almost 2 years ago, I'm more selective about what I share with others.  I don't feel that he really "knew" me.  His focus was on him. 

[apollotech]

Did you ever find it easy to open up to your exN/BPDpartner?

I am normally a very open/trusting person. Openness is a building block for intimacy. However, with my BPDexgf I found myself very guarded. I did not open up to her as I had done with other intimate partners in my past, and I know why I didn't. She was TOO open. That was very off putting to me. In the first month of the relationship I had actually heard enough from her to make me run, red flags were waving everywhere. Of course, I ignored all of them, silly me!

She actually called me out on my withholding of myself. My gut said that something was bad wrong here; therefore, watch yourself. My heart said to stay in a little longer to see if this is workable. When it started to fall apart around me my hope said tomorrow will be better. In the end, I am very thankful that I did not reveal too much of myself to this ill woman. There is no doubt in my mind that she would have used it against me when we parted.

[eyvindr]

I can relate to everything everyone's shared here. I'd say that it's uncanny, but I've been here long enough to have learned at this point that, no -- it's perfectly predictable in the realm of BPD.

Thank god we all survived. Thank god this site is here. Thank god we found it, and each other. Thank god we found the strength to break away. Thank god we're still trying.

[Perfidy]

It's a strategy that preys on our own self love. It's something that I'm aware of now. It's like playing chess. Try all strategies to find their weakness. The next question. Did I fall in love with a projection of my self? Perfidy

[GrowThroughIt]

It's sad that we was so open and honest with a pwN/BPD. Ah well! More their loss than ours!

At least we have the capacity to be open and honest!