Going to the same college

[Antares]

Hello everyone! First of all, I'm happy that a community like this exists. I wish I'd found it earlier, but better late than never.

I'm not sure if my girlfriend has BPD, but I definitely see her in a lot of the described symptoms and stories told by other members. I hope that some of you might help me determine if that is the case and if possible, give me advice on what to do.

The relationship I am currently in, started about 1.5 years ago. We met in college where we have been in the same group for 4 years now. We were spending more and more time together and I started to develop feelings towards her. I let her know that, although she had a boyfriend at that time. She admitted she had feelings for me too, for quite some time (which I did feel in a way). The relationship that she had with her boyfriend was 4 years long at that time and she entered it at a relatively young age, and the last two years, they were seeing each other only occasionally (once every few weeks or so). We ended up making out that night, but I didn't want to go any further before she cleared things up with her bf, soon to be ex.

That she did, but soon after that she told me she never had (vaginal) sex with him. Although I was suspicious, when we had sex for the first time, some physiological occurrences suggested otherwise, so I believed her. She is my first, so I was actually relieved and happy about that. However, it did seem a bit interesting how she rushed us into having sex, saying that she didn't want to lose me by prolonging too much. A few weeks after that, she told me that she loved me and that she is feeling that this is finally what she always wanted and that she sees us together for the rest of our lives. Already a few months into the relationship, she started to develop an ever growing love for babies, which she is trying desperately to provoke in me as well, although topics like that came up much too soon for my taste, so it is only turning me away from such ideas.

The things that I mentioned are perhaps not that related to BPD, but I just wanted to get a thought or two about that as well. The events, that I now see as BPD related, started actually very early in the relationship, especially when we started our college courses again after the summer break. Unfortunately, in our group, there are 20+ women and only one other guy, with whom I don't have much in common, so we don't really hang out that much.

There were countless incidents, from day to day, but let me mention some of the more interesting ones:

It was raining and my gf and I were going to college, each with his own umbrella. At some point, a fellow female student shows up from a building. Since she was closer to me and didn't have an umbrella, I offered her to walk with me under mine, the next 20 meters or so, that we had until we reached the building we were all going to. After that, she accused me for betraying her trust in me and made a big drama and a scene publicly. She has been using that tactic ever since.

Another incident occurred when I was doing some work in a lab, and one fellow student, leaned over to my side, just to look at what was going on in the apparatus. I didn't even notice that because I was preoccupied with work. All of a sudden, my gf didn't want to talk to me, she got all red and mad, in front of everyone. She accused me of liking what she did there and that she is against us, that she enjoys my attention and that I am betraying her that way.

Once on a field trip, we visited some factory. Everyone was having a good time, taking photos and so on. At one point, I stayed a bit behind my gf, because a few of us wanted a photo next to a certain machine (yeah, engineering students can be weird). Since she went ahead and had the camera, another fellow female student, offered to take a photo for me and send me the photo later. I said sure, why not. My gf saw that, and again, the same symptoms as described above. But this time it went so far that she started to cry, and continue all the way back to our home town.

Recently, we were in a hurry and we went passed some of our fellow female students. I spontaneously turned around, waved and said hi. A few days were ruined because of that. The most recent incident was today, when some girl asked me to send her something related to a college course and I said ok. Once again, the same reaction from my gf. She claims that this girl wants to use me, that she is making a fool out of her (my gf), how men are stupid, and the rest of the standard stuff I hear from her.

I had a really stressful week, had very little sleep and I just couldn't deal with that stuff again so I told her I'm sick and tired of her and that I'm going home and that I want some peace (although we had plans to go eat somewhere together). She ended up running behind me and stopping me, telling me that she now wants me to stop and that she wanted to discuss everything with me, so that I could know what I did wrong. I told her that she could have told me that in the first place, instead of first yelling at me, accusing me, and walking very fast in front of me (she knows I hate that, so it has became a standard way for her to punish me and make me look like a fool publicly, trying to get her to stop or slow down), but that now, after such a reaction, I wanted to be left alone, so I just continued walking. She followed me most of the way, telling me that she would follow me everywhere around until I agreed to talk with her about what happened. She eventually gave up, and stopped following me. I just wanted to get away, I didn't even look behind me, for a moment there it felt like I was at the very edge of going insane. We didn't hear from each other since then.

I feel really bad now, because I treated her the same way she treats me, but I just couldn't keep calm this time.

There are many more situations like the ones described above, on a day to day basis. I literally don't communicate with almost anyone on the college any more, and when I do, it is always accompanied by anxiety, a strange feeling of wanting to end every conversation as soon as possible, in order not to anger my gf.

Although I know now that I'm not guilty for most, if not all of these accusations, my subconsciousness probably believes that everything actually is my fault. My self-esteem and self-confidence have been reduced to absolute zero. I have severe anxiety, I can't walk down the road and look strangers in the eye, I'm not nearly as sociable as before, I sacrificed all of my friends (because she has none, she made me feel guilty because I had them).

There are also many nice moments that I had with her and she is generally a funny and simple person, and a loyal partner. To the extent that she feels very guilty for minor things, like talking to other men. She goes a long way trying to gain my trust, so that I could try to gain her trust the same way. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that I trust her simply because I do, I just do. I'm starting to feel that whatever I do, it will never be enough to gain her trust. Ironically, because I've been trying to please her as much as I can without going mad, I had countless discussions with her about these issues, but she always repeats her behaviors, sooner or later.

I'm generally a calm, quiet and kind person, which some people see as ground for manipulation. She helped me see some things I didn't always see. She isn't always wrong about other people manipulating me, but her anger and irrationality during such incidents just drain my hope, bit by bit. I just end up feeling that she doesn't even remotely accept or love me for who I am, for the traits that define me.

I don't know what more to tell you at this point. I'm sorry this ended up being such a long post, but I just had to pour it all out. I hope some of you will read it and give me some thoughts on the whole situation. If me and my gf weren't in the same group, on the same college (for another year, at least) I would have probably just given up. Unfortunately, I am caught in a vicious circle, because I don't want to sacrifice college and I just don't know how to cope with a potential break up, while still seeing each other every day. Also, all these incidents (of which others are obviously aware of as well), had turned many people away from me, to the extent that more and more of my fellow students (not necessarily only in our group), tend to avoid me and isolate me, even when my gf is not present, and even if I do my best to try to socialize.

I just don't see any way out.

[Turkish]

Hello Antares, and welcome, I'm glad you found us!

No problems on the length, I read through harkening back to my days in a technical program, and I can relate to being part of a group of fellow students with whom you spend a lot of time for a few years doing labs and the like.

I'm an easy going guy as well. Being emotionally stable, and laid back, it can be easy to fall into the trap of a partner telling us that it's our fault. It's that whole "walking on eggshells" feeling, or traipsing through a minefield.

pwBPD (people with BPD) react to a core fear of abandonment, real or imagined. By your descriptions, I'd classify those incidents as imagined. For a pwBPD, however,."feelings are facts." Given that this sounds like her first sexual r/s, the feelings are probably even more intense. In her mind, you might be "The One," if you know what I mean. She's already thrown out the baby angle, no?

You're here to learn more about BPD and take stock of this r/s. Take a look at the "Choosing A Path" lessons to the right of the board, and also the Suggested Reading at the top. Everyone needs valdation (of their feelings), but a person who has BPD traits even more so. It would probably be worth trying to open up a dialog in a validating way.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

I look forward to hearing more of your story, Antares, and let me know if the info is helpful.



Turkish

[Antares]

Thank you for reading the whole thing and replying. Also, sorry that I didn't reply sooner. This whole week I had very little time to work on the mentioned issues with my gf. Luckily, not much needed to be done during that time, since the situation started to get better gradually.

The first few days after I wrote the initial post, were very difficult, but I managed to explain to her that her reactions hurt me and she also agreed that she has a problem and promised that she will work on it. However, this isn't the first time we had such a talk, so I'm not expecting miracles to happen. In a few occasions, when she did something that I know would upset her if I did the same, I tried to act in a way she would (in private, and with a bit of humor and exaggeration thrown in as well) and asked her how she would feel if my reactions were really like that. It seemed that it did got her to think about it and to later admit she wasn't aware how bad it looked like and felt.

I also realized that I have some issues to sort out with myself, because she isn't the only one to blame the other for certain things. We talked about the whole college friend situation and she agreed to try to be more relaxed about it. In a few occasions this week, I actually managed to have normal conversations with other girls, even with my gf being around. She also sometimes joined our conversations and tried to be as sociable as possible, which is something she normally wouldn't be eager to do. Maybe the main problem isn't that she doesn't allow me to talk to other girls, but that I think she doesn't allow me to talk to other girls. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

I must also mention that her reactions are generally a lot worse during pms. She started taking birth control pills soon after we started dating and she often mentions that her emotions seemed to become much more unstable once she started to take the pills. She also claims that her pms is also a lot worse than before she started to take birth control pills. I recently also started to read about premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which might also explain many of the symptoms.

By the way, both me and her even went to see a psychologist a few months ago (separately). My visit was related to some other problems, because the relationship with my gf was not my biggest trouble at that time. Since then, I managed to sort out most of my other problems. Because of that, I'd say my visits were helpful. As for my gf, I'm not sure it helped her much, so she isn't overly optimistic about seeking additional help.

I'll probably have a bit more time the next few days, so I will also start to read and learn from the articles which are available on this site. I'm motivated to try to improve things, the best that I can.

[Turkish]

Maybe the main problem isn't that she doesn't allow me to talk to other girls, but that I think she doesn't allow me to talk to other girls. The truth is probably somewhere in between.

This is remarkably self-ware, Antares. It's easy to fall into the blame trap,.but a relationship is about two people, even if the other partner has more severe issues.

I sympathize with the BC situation. It resulted in problems between me and my Ex, which culminated in our only recycle (here, I had issues as well). It might be worth talking to her, in a caring and validating way, about different methods which don't involve chemicals.