Possible progress

[Michelle27]

After so many years of false, faked and sabotaged attempts at getting help, my uBPDh managed to call and ask our local mental health organization for help and got a phone intake yesterday.  I had been given advice for him by an acquaintance who is diagnosed BPD about making sure he doesn't minimize what's going on with him or else he won't be accepted into the program (he has asked for DBT).  I was hopeful but trying not to be because of how he has sabotaged in the past.  I also know that this time, I can't/won't be taking on his treatment, he has to do it himself.  So I gave him very short advice to be real when he talks to them and not minimize anything.

To my surprise, he did just that.  He talked about being verbally abusive, raging (told them about one example of a 12 hour rage over the placement of a bag of garbage, that it needed to be literally a few inches to the side of where it was and that it wasn't enough that I said, "sure, no problem", but that he couldn't let it go for a full 12 hours to the point that when I left the house he continued it by phone and text).  He talked about his childhood abuse, 2 hospitalizations and that he has researched BPD and believes he has it and wants to get better.  It worked.  He has an in person appointment for intake on March 25th.  Once again, I am cautiously optimistic.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Michelle27,

This is a good sign that your husband is taking the initiative to receive help.  I understand that you are cautiously optimistic.  What are your expectations for your husband?

[hope2727]

So happy for you. It would have been a dream come true in my relationship. I am sending you prayers. Please keep us updated.

[Michelle27]

Hi Michelle27,

This is a good sign that your husband is taking the initiative to receive help.  I understand that you are cautiously optimistic.  What are your expectations for your husband?

I think my expectations at this point are that he stay committed to getting therapy and working on his issues.  He's pretty much a textbook case of BPD with an abusive and very invalidating childhood combined with being a naturally more emotional person than most.  He was very high functioning (ie good coping skills) when we met and for about 7 years his level of emotional investment was amazing to me.  Yes, the "honeymoon" period lasted that long for us, until he was emotionally devastated by finding out his son was the victim of horrible abuse for years in his ex wife's home.  He totally fell apart, and looking back, his coping skills weren't enough to help him cope so he became a raging (every 3-6 weeks) jerk towards our family.  I stayed so long in part (his "crash" was almost 9 years ago) because of my own now realized deep seated self esteem issues and in part because I wanted that man back that I knew for 7 years.  I got to the point this past year believing that the first 7 years must have been quite the Oscar winning performance (in other words, faked to "get" me) and my anger and resentments grew.  I'm now believing that the man I met is still under there, just needs to be found again.

I know enough about BPD to know that it's not an easy path to a "cure".  But, he CAN learn the skills to avoid raging and to feel and act with appropriate emotions.  So my expectation is that he continue working on that.   I know it could take years.  I am keeping myself detached and working on all the tools so that I can heal in the meantime.