I need to leave and I have no where to go...

[DyingLove]

Hi.

I'm not new here, but I have not posted in the longest time. I have been in a relationship with a BPD significant other. I admit that I was blindsided, and had not discovered that she had BPD for at least a year. We have been together a total of four years. We met online, Facebook, January 2011. She was sweet and cute and had all the right words answers and emotions to sweep me off my feet. Now it's 2015, and on the seventh of this month it all hit the fan. It was an exquisite case that was textbook. When we met she vowed I was the last man in her life, it was her and I forever till death do us part.

Yes I'm a giver. Of course I see things now that I didn't see back then, such as what the BPD personality looks for. A people pleaser, a great cook, previously a good provider, great with kids, good lover, and everything else that the textbook quotes.

Everything about me was put on the back burner to nurture and feed this relationship so that it would flourish and grow. Will it didn't flourish and it didn't grow, everything I had, every ounce of energy and drive was constantly in use to keep the relationship and her happy. At first that happen so gradual that I didn't see it, and then when I did see it, it was such a habit on my part that I needed to continue being what I was at the time just to pass from day to day. This woman was like a shark. No smiles, just killing and eating, and repeat.

Our breakup was nearly instant. I'm still under the same roof with her, I have realized so much much much more since 7 February, but with all the knowledge I have gained, I'm still bewildered about how things are. It's almost like waking up in fantasyland where nothing is real and you can't discern fantasyland from reality. Just yesterday, I took a shot at explaining the fact that I was not able to turn my love off and to change the direction of my emotions as she has. To this day I still haven't learned, I always think that I am going to say the magic words that are going to fix everything. I've been praying so much lately, I've reconnected with the Lord, and he must be saying: enough already I get the message. It's very toxic here right now under the same roof and quite often I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm trying to gather donations from anyone that will help me. Yes I've been reduced to a pile of goo.

I find myself pouring my heart out once again, as pathetic as I am right now. I know where I came from, I'm a good smart loving man with a head for business. I tried so hard to have a family, her and her nine-year-old daughter. When I think about it it seems that it was all doomed from the start, and nobody let me in on the joke.

I need to leave and I have no where to go, no money, no employment, no vehicle, left over stuff that I'm trying to sell without any luck. I never thought I could be in such a low and bad and dark place in my life.

As far as no place to go, I was depending on my son, but he's trying to negotiate with his wife because she's totally against me and my coming back to New York. Oh well, so much for the old saying blood is thicker than water. But I do respect him and would never want to jeopardize his relationship and be the burden but I know I am going to be. I know that I need time to get on my feet, it won't be easy but it should move right along as soon as I'm out of this toxic environment.

I am in that rock-bottom position where I don't have much of a choice in what direction I spring out.  I really need to get out of here to save my life.

[catnap]

Have you contacted any of the social services where you live for assistance? 

[whirlpoollife]

I would say to call a crisis shelter, but ... .they are stereotyped to women. Try anyhow... .at least it gives them awareness that men can get in same bad situations as women.

Does your area have a Rescue Mission?     You  want to better yourself  and  I feel they would listen and give you guidance to get out of this situation.   

[sweetheart]

Hi DyingLove,

I'm going to hone in on the last part of your post because it sounds to me like that needs to be heard.

Here in the UK if someone is in a situation where they feel as though their life is either in emotional or physical danger then a Crisis Helpline would be my first point of contact. These are local to each area and I figure it must be the same in the US.

Do you have access to the internet ? If you do you might be able to access an emergency helpline number that will signpost you and/or give you advice. Also here if you phone the police on a non-emergency line they will give you the number of your local homeless shelter. Again if you look online it will give you this number.

Take good care of yourself and keep posting.

[DyingLove]

Hi everybody and thank you all for your wonderful posts. I was down I was stepped on I was crushed and I still am. But as of today I had gotten news from a friend back in New York that towards the end of the month he will be flying down to help me move. My son called me and told me dad by the end of the month you'll be here.

I was so on edge that I had such mixed emotions. I could see where this BPD thing does its damage because when some of the cobwebs get cleared away you could see what you're left with to play with. Even though I should be ecstatically happy I still am extremely sad and stepped on. The significant other has been staying out of the house as much as she can, I haven't seen her since yesterday but I know she will be coming home tonight because of work tomorrow and the fact that her daughter will be coming home in the morning from the biological dad's house.

I'm sitting here right now what a headset on dictating what I'm writing to you all. As I do this I gaze out the window quite often to see if her car is pulling in the driveway. Then I say to myself why am I doing this then I gag up in my sinuses in the back of my throat and want to cry. So there is my confusion happiness and right back where I was. I know when I get out from under this roof things will start getting better rapidly. I'm strong I know that but for the past several weeks I've been suffering from this breakup and the toll on me is horrible. I sit here with no one to talk to accept some friends in a health form some people on Facebook and you good people here. My story is pretty damn said and I have my moments during the day where everything just clears up in the sun shines into my heart. I found God again, I don't have to say that twice. And I pray quite often as well as watch inspirational things on YouTube and even inspirational movies some of which my favorites are by Bruce Marchiano. If you have Netflix there are two movies on there that are really really good first one is called the encounter and the second one is the encounter two. I can watch them over and over for inspiration. But anyway, if things would've lasted too much longer here I would be looking for some kind of crisis shelter. I'm in Florida and I really don't feel like I belong here. I was never made to feel that I was coming here for me as well as her. It was all about her all the time and even to this day she makes me feel so little of a man. Of course I'm not the man she met, I'm a disaster right now. When I leave towards the end of the month, I plan to do it while she is at work if at all possible I want to be out of here before she comes home, and I do not want to say goodbye or have any more contact with her afterwards I wish her the very best in her life, God says to bless your enemies and wrongdoers, and I did love her for the longest time and probably still do love her. Right now I am angry, angry like you can't imagine. Not only that I resent her. She went from love to hate in the same day and I know how I feel being mixed with both of those emotions I can imagine how miserable she is. I made a mistake and try to talk to her the other day and of course it was a big mistake just mentioning the fact that people who are in love don't lose those feelings after four years so quickly I says it's just not normal. All she got from that was that I was calling her abnormal and she made all about her once again. Now to get back up on my feet and make my life rich and full again. One thing I'm going to do for certain is to pay all the goodness forward. Does a lot of good people out there, a bunch of people that I've never met online who actually sent me money. They did it as a gift not wanting it back and just said Mark pay it forward those people all never forget and I wanna do good like they've done for me also. 59 years old and I'm sitting here dilapidated with the emotions of a teen. I reached out in so many different directions lately that I'm just totally mentally exhausted. The fact that she didn't come home last night I took to my advantage it took a few for Larry and roots and watch TV till I conked out. I did wake up quite often during the night with what seem to be small nightmares. Well I just wanted to say thank you to everybody and I certainly will be posting more about my adventures in BPD let and my trip to fantasyland (home again).

[DyingLove]

Have you contacted any of the social services where you live for assistance? 

No I had not contacted social services here. But my main post was that it seems my issue is going to be dealt with by the end of the month I just wanted to say thank you for your concern and your reply. I never want to overlook the people that reached out to help me in the future I'm going to pay it forward.

[DyingLove]

I would say to call a crisis shelter, but ... .they are stereotyped to women. Try anyhow... .at least it gives them awareness that men can get in same bad situations as women.

Does your area have a Rescue Mission?     You  want to better yourself  and  I feel they would listen and give you guidance to get out of this situation.   

Right you are about stereotyping women. Very similar results with child support and Family Court problems like that. In the past I've been in abused father. The ex-wife of my son drag me through the coals and into the courts and out of the courts, multiple times she stole all my receipts for child support and I had to pay thousands of dollars over and over. I don't know if she has BPD, but it's really bad whatever she has.

Believe it or not my ex-wife was a wonderful young girl blossoming into a lovely young woman. At one point in our life I asked her to get a job instead of staying home doing nothing. While she found a way around that, she went for assistance, ended up seeing psychologists, and ended up taking all kinds of medication that they gave her. All this to procure a check at the end in a month and not have to work. At one point she was so medicated up that she could not bend her arms she walked like a robot. She became a horrible horrible person and after about 18 years I left. Since then she's always had it in for me and the courts were always in her favor as crazy and haphazard as she acted it was always all for her. So to end this, I'm just saying I understand the stereotyping. And I also thank you for your response also.

[DyingLove]

Hi DyingLove,

I'm going to hone in on the last part of your post because it sounds to me like that needs to be heard.

Here in the UK if someone is in a situation where they feel as though their life is either in emotional or physical danger then a Crisis Helpline would be my first point of contact. These are local to each area and I figure it must be the same in the US.

Do you have access to the internet ? If you do you might be able to access an emergency helpline number that will signpost you and/or give you advice. Also here if you phone the police on a non-emergency line they will give you the number of your local homeless shelter. Again if you look online it will give you this number.

Take good care of yourself and keep posting.

Thank you sweetheart for your reply. Like I mentioned earlier, at the moment my cries have been heard. And if all works out according to plan which I think it will I will be added here by the 20th or so. I actually did feel that I was losing my mind many times, as important as I know my life is I was afraid to leave all my possessions behind for her to benefit from them. I know that's a stupid thing, and I'm admitting it as I hear myself say it now. The further on we get into this, and what I mean is the longer I stay here on this roof while we are split up, it seems to get more unfriendly and resentful across the board. The four years we were together means absolutely crap. And I'm seeing a person that I don't recognize any more. And to tell you the truth she's looking mighty ugly. The beauty I used to see in her came from inside obviously the ugliness comes from the same place. I don't know what she sees in me, but she certainly does not bring out the best in me. Never said I was perfect I'll never be perfect but I do try very hard to make myself a better man for myself, and now for the Lord. Up to now it's been a lose lose situation it seems and I am really looking forward to skipping out of here. I could just visualize myself driving away with my body in the truck and not looking back. I know I'll be crying for an hour or two but it's going to be the best thing for my life. Thank you for your response.