Can you help me stay white for 2 months?

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm serious here.

(We are breaking up, but I still live with him 2mo more, so posting here as my question is about improving a situation vs detaching)

My uBPDstbexbf and I live together just two more months.  He has been withdrawing, has painted me black.  He acts like he is scared of me even though nothing has occurred for him to feel that way.  I just imagine he is reliving some trauma of his past and projecting me as a villain. 

I'm afraid if I do not approach him and try to "fix" his emotional state that he will go deeper into his projection, flip from victim to aggressor in a reaction to whatever he is dealing with.

His behavior is triggering my own PTSD of hypervigilance and my startle reflex is sensitive. He is in-tune to my PTSD and when I react scared, he falsely assumes I painted him a villain, then he projects, paints me a villain, then takes on a fearful victim role that lasts till something flips or bursts it.   

My PTSD response usually only lasts a few seconds, I calm down, I know the difference between reality and triggers and move on quickly in that moment, more like a quick sneeze.

However, his uBPD response lasts until he can confirm I am a villain.  It can go on for weeks until he can get proof, pick a fight, make a false accusation and paint me blacker.

How do I keep things calm for next 2 months?  Do I validate him?  Give him some planned narcissistic supply?

(Leaving him alone and living my own life isn't working.)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Are you in danger? Do you think it is possible to stay where you are for 2 months without him getting worse?

I think it is difficult to live with anyone for 2 months knowing you are going to be breaking up.  Is there some way you can stay somewhere else?

[tjay933]

hey. i feel for you. the most important thing right now is that you stay safe. if you feel in danger-leave. that is what anyone has to do when they start to blow. even if it is just until they cool down again. we can not control other people or keep them from exploding but we don't have to be around when they do.

i used to think of it as a prison sentence-just take it one day at a time and the months will go by.

there is no right or wrong way to speak to them as the main cause from their explosions is based on their perception of what you are saying-not the actual words themselves. we can't control what is in their perceptions as they are not living in the same reality as we are. this also means that we need to realize that we are not to blame for the explosions as much as they would have us believe that.

stay safe.

[maxsterling]

Assuming he is not a danger to you, I think the best case scenario is for him to basically give you silent treatment.  In other words, it's good if he paints you black so long as you are safe.  Go about your business, be polite, stay out of his way, and take things one day at a time.  That's the way I feel regarding my wife - after a bout of rage, the best thing to happen would be for her to paint me black and avoid me.  Dealing with avoidance is much better than dealing with rage.

If you feel you aren't safe, then my suggestion is to find a way to get out sooner, or have some kind of safe house or friend's house that you stay at most of the time. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for the caring supportive words guys! 

No, I'm not in danger.  When I used, "aggressor," I mean that he will become antagonistic, not physical.  He will just pick on things, complain, grump about, and just generally be passive aggressive.  His tension just continues to build and build until he finds reason to rage. 

The tension that emanates out of him drives me nuts though! The way he moves, behaves, it is so hard to explain. It is driving me nutty!

I am on new territory with him here and I think that is what makes me nervous. 

I have had him give me this cold anger before, but while in a relationship, the next stage develops in one of two ways:

1.  I approach him and console/reassure/smooth things over.

2. He continues to find passive aggressive ways to aggravate me until we have a confrontation which ends with him raging.

What is different is this is the first time I've ever just ignored him and carried on with my life ignoring his behaviors completely.  So this is the longest he's ever had to marinate in his own anger towards me.

The PTSD in me is on edge just wishing the shoe would drop and get it over with so it can move to the next phase.  (meaning that he can just be calm again in his knowledge that I am black and stop persevering on it)

[Jessica84]

Sounds like an "extinction burst"? He's used to you consoling him. Now you are no longer doing that (boundary). He is testing the boundary, causing him to act out even worse. I think eventually they wear themselves out.

Here's the link on it and a few snippets:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

"When our partner doesn’t get the expected response (reinforcement by us) it may scare or anger them and they may try harder to  engage us using threats, violence, destruction, intimidation, name calling, belittling, promises of withholding necessary things, retaliation, or any other painful thing they can think of to get us to engage.   This escalation is know as an extinction burst.

So what do we do?   When the person with Borderline Personality Disorder becomes dysregulated or depressed. bpdfamily.com recommends that you give them the space to self sooth - not try to do it for them.  Take a deep breath and politely and non-aggressively disengage. It’s not easy to block out the distraction and emotional pleas for our attention, yet it is only with a critical pause that we can really stay on a constructive and healthy pathway.

This act is called extinction. We essentially remove our reinforcement in an attempt to stop the  behavior. We simply stop rewarding the behavior."