Kinda of at a loss

[daunting]

Not sure where is the most appropriate place to post.  I'm dealing with my daughter that I firmly believe is suffering from BPD and maybe has been for many many years.  She's a  young adult now with a child of her own and they live with me.

Throughout the years she has been the sweetest, kind, caring, most compassionate human being that I'm so proud to have raised.  And then... .there's the other side... .the side that is so angry, depressed, screams, cries, destroys, threatens, name calls.

And you never know when this is going to happen, everything is fine and all of a sudden *wham*... .you're knocked on your butt and she's flipping out.

Not sure what I'm really looking for here. People going through the same emotions as myself I guess because at this point, I don't think life could be anymore... .

Daunting.

Thanks for reading, am going to look around

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mggt]

Dear daunting, So sorry to hear of your stress we to have a dd living with us with a 3 year old child the ups and downs can be so severe .  We have been dealing with her BPD for years she has been in therapy for years went to a rtc for one year all types of different meds and nothing seems to work .  She can be fine one minute and the next a volcano erupts .  Just wanted to let you know you are not alone alot of us here are nanas also .  Just try and not to take her insults to personally (i should talk im ready to throw her out ) They really do not know how to regulate their emotions like the rest of us.  Just hang in there take one minute at a time give your grandchild a hug that always makes me feel better .  We are here on this board to help eachother and mainly to realize you are not alone .   

[daunting]

Thank you for the kind words Mggt... .some days I feel like maybe I'm the one loosing it!  I try not to take it personally... .but I also feel that after twenty one years of being the target, I've had enough and I don't owe her any more time.  And then I feel like I would be abandoning her... .which at this point I'm ok with, but the baby... .

I don't know much, if anything about BPD... .but my sister has recently graduated from psychiatric counselling and said if she had to diagnose her with anything, BPD would be it.  Of course the ensuing google search brought me here. 

So much to read, and so many people hurting... .I'm so sorry to all going through this, I always thought I was alone!

[lbjnltx]

Hi Daunting



So glad to have you here!   

lbj

[heronbird]

Hi

This site will help you. So its good you are here.

Do you know the 9 criteria that they have to have met 5 of them to get a diagnosis of BPD. It might help you to look them up.

I did a personality disorder test on my daughter and it came up BPD, I was just checking her diagnosis. So you would get a rough idea if you do that.

You don't need a label. but if you know what you are dealing with you can work with it much better and reduce any conflict. Which means you will feel better and have a better relationship with your daughter.

I often think of it like a child having a tantrum, if you don't know what to do, they get worse.

[livednlearned]

Hi Daunting,

I'm glad you found the site and are getting support here. It makes a big difference to hear from others who understand what you're going through.

How old is your grandchild?

When your daughter is flipping out, how do you interact with her? Do you notice if there are responses that seem to work better than others? 

[daunting]

Thank you, so nice to hear from people who get it!  I agree, I don't need a label Heronbird... .but having an idea of what is actually going on in her head helps me to try find ways to cope with it. 

Livednlearned - My Granddaughter is 11 months old and is a doll... .of course all Grandmom's say that right?

When my daughter is "flipping out" for lack of a better term, there really is no dealing with her.  If you get emotional back, you'll have a fight response, if you try reasoning she becomes angrier, if you stay calm she gets angrier saying you don't care, and if I ignore... .in the past she has been violent, but she's learned violence get's her kicked out. Nothing you can say can diffuse the situation until it runs it's course.  It's like once it starts you can't interrupt it until it's over... .sometimes this takes hours and then she's back to being sweet and sorry and lovable until the next time... .which could be an hour later!

It's like living in an abusive relationship, with the honeymoon phase... .and then the cycle starts again. I have made a conscious decision that the minute it starts, I'm leaving the house and that worked yesterday, but usually she'll just carry it on when I get home again.

I haven't been able to browse the site as freely as I would like because I'm a little scared of what she might do if she see's me on here, but hope to be able to look around and find some tools to cope better within the next few days.

[livednlearned]

My Granddaughter is 11 months old and is a doll... .of course all Grandmom's say that right?

Yes, but your GD really is 

When my daughter is "flipping out" for lack of a better term, there really is no dealing with her.  If you get emotional back, you'll have a fight response, if you try reasoning she becomes angrier, if you stay calm she gets angrier saying you don't care, and if I ignore... .in the past she has been violent, but she's learned violence get's her kicked out. Nothing you can say can diffuse the situation until it runs it's course.  It's like once it starts you can't interrupt it until it's over... .sometimes this takes hours and then she's back to being sweet and sorry and lovable until the next time... .which could be an hour later!

Has validation worked? The pwBPD that brought me to these boards is my undiagnosed BPD ex husband, so I understand the analogy with an abusive relationship. It can feel very disempowering, like nothing works. I don't think everything works all the time, but sometimes you can make some real inroads with validation, especially if you catch things early enough in the rage.

Maybe try validation, and if your D can't de-escalate, you assert the boundary. With my son, I've learned to tell him in advance what the boundary is going to be, otherwise it's too easy for me to feel emotionally charged when I enforce the boundary, which escalates things.

The real trick is dealing with our own natural defenses to defend. I had to figure out me, including how I feel when I'm attacked, before I could really get this technique and apply it. I had to stop focusing on the words and start paying attention to the feelings being expressed. Almost like the words are just code, and the anger is about a much deeper hurt that is too painful and too vulnerable to put out there. Not to say that this works all the time, and it doesn't necessarily stop the tirade, but I do think it can take a lot of wind out of the sails of someone who is feeling invalidated.

These are both helpful workshop:

Additional Communication Tools (DEARMAN, PUVAS)

The idea behind all these tools is that a BPD has to have trust reinforced and fears of inadequacy soothed before they can listen or hear.  The non-BP validates that the feelings are real feelings (not that they are justified).  The non-BP then shifts the discussion on what the real issue is and what can be done about it. These tools put a lot of responsibility of the non-BP to bridge the communication/emotional inadequacy. The assumption is that that the non-BP is the emotional caretaker in these situations.   Learn these important skills.   

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Careful, don't be invalidating

Are you making things worse?  Many times, when we are communicating with our loved ones, the words we use to explain ourselves or to justify ourselves, or to prove our point, come across as challenging and defiant to them. How often have you been in a conversation where the more you tried to explain something, the less the other person seemed to hear you and the angrier they got? That's because your words were essentially telling the other person they're wrong and you're right.   Learn more.     

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating