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Author Topic: Was just sent this apology letter from my exBPDgf. Advice?  (Read 1921 times)
Figuring it out

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« Reply #30 on: March 02, 2015, 04:50:54 PM »

Sunfl0wer,

I think she definitely has histronic tendencies, but I think she's is BPD for sure. She cuts, body dismorphia, promiscuity, binging, etc. I'm glad that you figured something out through Apollotech's message!

Raisins,

The more I read your responses, the more I'm leaning towards being done. However, one thing I want to do is periodically check up on her. I know that she's not my responsibility, but she has very few people in her life and I feel like I just want to make sure she's ok. I know NC is probably the best choice, but I feel like I'll have moved on and she will still be battling her BPD.

Apollotech,

Thanks for your analysis! I have already chosen to leave. But it's painful and it's nice to know that others have experienced it. It seems crazy that this letter is "textbook" but it's so real and painful for me. Leaving is the tougher choice currently, but better for me in the long run.

Billypilgrim,

Thanks so much for taking the time and assessing the letter paragraph by paragraph. It really helped me take a more objective view rather than subjective perspective. The memories and the things we did hurt the most because those things I did all came from a loving place. No one has loved her the way I have as she's chosen some pretty terrible men in her life and I wanted to change that. She have victimized herself in the letter and I'm really glad you showed that to me. The letter made me think that there might still have been a chance, but I see that this is just another manipulation technique. Do you think badly of your ex or do you feel sorry for them? I really appreciate your candidness and your post has been very enlightening! Thank you!

HappyNihilist,

Thank you for your kind words. This has been very hard for me and I really appreciate the huge outpouring of support from the great people here. I feel like I'm understood and people are so helpful. I don't doubt my exBPDgf is in an immense amount of pain right now. I'm sure she's not hunched over diabolically planning her next attack. I see her as someone suffering on the inside trying to cope with a really scary world with too little ammunition. So she does what she knows how and uses the tools she has at her disposal. She's become really good with those tools for her, but not for others. I can see that everything she's doing is also for her own survival. I really do wish her the best and I doubt I will be involved with her again, I would like to make sure she's ok because she still is very special to me. Is that ok? To find someone special even if they hurt you and wish the best for them?

Trog,

I think reconciling is all she wants and that's all I really want, but I can't handle this pain again, so I'm going to protect myself and work on myself. Thanks for being straight up with what you think!

1989,

I teared up too! Duh. Haha. I find that some on these boards treat BPDs as villains, but I think they're people too and they're hurt, experience pain and suffering maybe more that we do. She was wrong. I know she was wrong. I'm moving on but I will always love her.

Invictus,

I just took a long look at the staying section and I feel badly for the people staying. It seems SO rough and it seems that very few success stories come out of a relationship with a BPD. And it looks like it's success with disclaimers. I think I've made the right choice to walk away. Thank you for suggesting to check out the staying section!

FlSunshineGirl,

You're totally right. I totally needed a hug so thanks for the virtual one! I guess I'll start the NC. BUT she kind of started the NC because she's sending her sister to pick things up because she knows that I'm a trigger for her. I'm really going to miss her. But I also know that this is going to make me stronger and understand what a healthy relationship is. :-)

Compassion,

I really like your screenname. Wow. I didn't even see that. Thanks for pointing that out. I've made my decision for NC but I will wish her a happy birthday and periodically check in on her. No I will be on my guard with people that I start dating for BPD symptoms. I hope that this has not hurt my ability to love another. Thanks for your last line "Stay strong and safe guard that precious beating heart in your chest. One day it will stop - don't give the best of it to someone unable to function on the most basic of emotional levels." I really appreciate that!
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Compassion14
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« Reply #31 on: March 02, 2015, 05:13:38 PM »

You are welcome. I am glad you can take something from what I feel very strongly from your posts. :-) 

I understand feeling still connected to her and feeling a desire, and safety blanket almost, of wanting to wish her happy birthday etc. I wish you an evolution of your feelings to the point that this no longer feels appropriate eventually. I would worry that she'd pull you in at times like that, or that you'll get more hurt if/when you see that she no longer is engaged with you at that point.

You have to do what feels right - just put yourself first - that is the most important thing now. YOU.

Hugs, Compassion14
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Invictus01
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« Reply #32 on: March 02, 2015, 07:08:29 PM »

Invictus,

I just took a long look at the staying section and I feel badly for the people staying. It seems SO rough and it seems that very few success stories come out of a relationship with a BPD. And it looks like it's success with disclaimers. I think I've made the right choice to walk away. Thank you for suggesting to check out the staying section!

I had a meeting with a psychologist last week to start working through my own issues related to all this stuff. I sent her a thank you email afterwards because I felt like I finally talked to somebody in person who understood me. Here is a part of her reply to me - "I'm glad the session brought you some relief, and again I can validate how difficult if not impossible it is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is struggling with personality disorder issues! I'm glad you are "re-framing" your painful experience as a challenge to explore more about what you really want in your life right now." Straight from a licensed professional with specialty in personality disorders. Keep this in mind if she ever comes back again with even more tear jerking stuff... .
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apollotech
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« Reply #33 on: March 02, 2015, 09:22:36 PM »

Figuring it out,

I saw where you posted to raisians that you were thinking of occasionally checking up on your BPDSO. I am certainly not telling you what to do or what not to do, but be advised, unless you have control of yourself, you could very well find yourself reliving this pain. A BPD's survival tactics/skills are very honed and exact. They certainly command respect as a predator.

With that said, I too am, at some point, going to reestablish communications with my BPDexgf. We can no longer be romantically involved nor am I even sure that I could ever call her "friend" again, but I know that I can bring some stability into her life. I have a thread about it on this board. The thread title is: Auxiliary Contact with a BPD exSO? My BPDexgf is not blocked on any devices nor any sites. In fact, she sent me a text tonight. I have chosen not to respond. It takes awhile and a lot of work to get there, but it is possible.

If you make the choice to contact her, be sure that the re-engagement is primarily on your terms. Be sure that you are well versed in BPD behavior. Understand and accept that you are dealing with a person that has a severe personality disorder. Have control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Be prepared to extend compassion, love, and forgiveness.

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Invictus01
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« Reply #34 on: March 02, 2015, 09:42:57 PM »

Figuring it out,

I saw where you posted to raisians that you were thinking of occasionally checking up on your BPDSO. I am certainly not telling you what to do or what not to do, but be advised, unless you have control of yourself, you could very well find yourself reliving this pain. A BPD's survival tactics/skills are very honed and exact. They certainly command respect as a predator.

With that said, I too am, at some point, going to reestablish communications with my BPDexgf. We can no longer be romantically involved nor am I even sure that I could ever call her "friend" again, but I know that I can bring some stability into her life. I have a thread about it on this board. The thread title is: Auxiliary Contact with a BPD exSO? My BPDexgf is not blocked on any devices nor any sites. In fact, she sent me a text tonight. I have chosen not to respond. It takes awhile and a lot of work to get there, but it is possible.

If you make the choice to contact her, be sure that the re-engagement is primarily on your terms. Be sure that you are well versed in BPD behavior. Understand and accept that you are dealing with a person that has a severe personality disorder. Have control of your thoughts, emotions, and actions. Be prepared to extend compassion, love, and forgiveness.

To be honest, I'm not sure if staying friends or something along those lines is a good idea. They intentionally or unintentionally screw over just about everybody in their lives. You can be split black or white or any other color of a rainbow for something a normal brain wouldn't even consider to be anything, no matter how much you watch what you do or say. Is this really a friendship anybody deserves?
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« Reply #35 on: March 02, 2015, 10:17:39 PM »

Figuring It Out,

"I wish so strongly that I had done all the things I didn't do that could have prevented my cruelty against us"

She dances around the fact she cheated on you. Where does she say how sorry she is that she broke your trust and cheated on you? This quote is so dramatic too.

This woman needs a lot of help.

I would suggest N/C too. You need to Take time away from her and read this letter 6 months from now after being on this board learning and reading and pouring your heart out.   
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #36 on: March 03, 2015, 08:15:18 AM »

Sunfl0wer,

Greatly appreciate your interpretation. You're right. Everything is "I" and any "you" is usually paired with an "I". I was really affected by the letter and it made me cry. It is like the emotion of someone very young... .

There is a reason for that.  BPD is, at it's core, arrested emotional development, usually due to trauma at a young age.  This is why they can't manage adult, intimate r/s's.  And this will not change quickly or easily.

Keep in mind that the emotions that she's feeling for you are NOT the same emotions that you're feeling for her.

This puzzled me for a long time in my own 8 year r/s.  What I finally figured out was that my ex had a more child-like love for me - it was based on the fact that I met her needs and that she felt safe with me.  But, emotionally, it was always all about her.  Over time, I had to ignore my needs to meet hers... .not a healthy adult r/s by any stretch of the imagination.

I know that letter was hard for you to read... .when you love someone in an adult way (and you see they're in pain), you want to reach out and help.  What she's trying to make you believe (and that she may actually believe herself) is that YOU are the answer to her pain.

You are not.  You may be a temporary "fix" - but the answer to her pain lies within HER - to get into therapy and deal with her dysfunctional life. If you are tempted to be her "pain relief," it will come at an excruciatingly high cost to YOU. And, in the end, it won't work.

To this day, the saddest moment I had after my r/s ended was the day I had to get tested for STD's.

This disorder is BRUTAL.
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« Reply #37 on: March 03, 2015, 08:23:11 AM »

Sunfl0wer,

Greatly appreciate your interpretation. You're right. Everything is "I" and any "you" is usually paired with an "I". I was really affected by the letter and it made me cry. It is like the emotion of someone very young... .

There is a reason for that.  BPD is, at it's core, arrested emotional development, usually due to trauma at a young age.  This is why they can't manage adult, intimate r/s's.  And this will not change quickly or easily.

Keep in mind that the emotions that she's feeling for you are NOT the same emotions that you're feeling for her.

This puzzled me for a long time in my own 8 year r/s.  What I finally figured out was that my ex had a more child-like love for me - it was based on the fact that I met her needs and that she felt safe with me.  But, emotionally, it was always all about her.  Over time, I had to ignore my needs to meet hers... .not a healthy adult r/s by any stretch of the imagination.

I know that letter was hard for you to read... .when you love someone in an adult way (and you see they're in pain), you want to reach out and help.  What she's trying to make you believe (and that she may actually believe herself) is that YOU are the answer to her pain.

You are not.  You may be a temporary "fix" - but the answer to her pain lies within HER - to get into therapy and deal with her dysfunctional life. If you are tempted to be her "pain relief," it will come at an excruciatingly high cost to YOU.

To this day, the saddest moment I had after my r/s ended was the day I had to get tested for STD's.

This disorder is BRUTAL.

EXCELLENT!
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billypilgrim
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« Reply #38 on: March 03, 2015, 09:25:29 AM »

Billypilgrim,

Do you think badly of your ex or do you feel sorry for them? I really appreciate your candidness and your post has been very enlightening! Thank you!

I'm glad my interpretation helped.  Like you, my ex had some not so savory choices in former partners.  She said I was different.  I was the first guy to ever take her on a date.  The first guy that didn't view her as an object (well maybe if you didn't act like a sex object, other people wouldn't treat you like one).  The first guy that ever cared.  Blah blah blah.  This was all part of the love bombing phase.  I don't buy it.  I think she gives the same spiel to every guy she meets.  She vilified her ex to me that she ended up replacing me with.  Round and round we go.     

As to answering your question above, it honestly depends on the day.  I will say that recently I'm feeling less and less for her.  I think mostly I do feel bad for her as she will not get help, I know she started seeing a psychiatrist shortly after leaving but I'm under the impression that she no longer goes.  Her mother is diagnosed and doesn't go to the treatment that she agreed to in order to avoid jail time for stealing from her employer.  The two of them are divorcing their husbands at the same time and they now live together.  So yeah, when I look at her life that way and I see her going down the same path as her mother, I do feel bad for her.  She will never have the kind of relationship that she so desperately wants because she isn't capable of real adult love or intimacy.  Just shallow, superficial, need-driven "relationships."

But my goal is indifference.  I want to be able to hear her name and feel nothing.  I want to see her and view her as an old acquaintance.  I want to go the same places we used to frequent and not be reminded of her.  I want to know so little about her and her life that she hardly ever crosses my mind.  That's what I want. 
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« Reply #39 on: March 03, 2015, 10:01:35 AM »

I agree with JHKbuzz. She sounds like a little child in this letter.  Since they are   the maturity level of a 3 year old it is appropriate. Yes, it is all about her and her needs. The over dramatizing and HER pain, what she is going through is something that you can never fix. As long as you keep in contact and try and be the fixer she will continue to use you.

Hard to admit but once you start working on yourself, you will see the letter is shallow and you need to pull together all the strength you have to free yourself of this dysfunctional relationship where you needs are only met on her terms, her way and then there is the issue of trust.
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upsidedown_world

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« Reply #40 on: March 03, 2015, 10:43:49 AM »

The letter itself is a testament to her addiction to drama and control.  She tried to lay every possible hook to get a bite from you.

I wouldn't believe that she is at all capable of acting as an equal in a relationship.  Maybe after being single for 10 years and serious work with confronting her demons and learning to grow up emotionally... .but not until then.

Chances are virtually certain that she identifies you merely as something that orbits her (her being the central part of her own universe)- a means to an end, not as an individual human being with your own needs, passions and thoughts.  But it's an end she wasn't content with before, and she had to look elsewhere for her fix.  It's the sign of a bottomless pit of need.  Her feeling of loss is real.  But in truth, you don't represent (to her) what you think or WISH you did because she has no enduring sense of self, so you're merely a means to an end and that you will remain.  I'd say she is quite incapable of understanding that at this stage.

She DOES have a gift for writing, I'll give her that for sure.  But the heartfelt tones of her letter are those of someone who desperately loves an idea, not a person - and the idea is slipping away.

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iluminati
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« Reply #41 on: March 03, 2015, 11:56:42 AM »

First of all, excellent thread with a lot of insights.  I won't repeat the excellent insights here, but just want to chip in my own.

One is that she shows a complete lack of empathy.  I'm not expecting her to completely get what's in your brain, but a nice "hey, if I were in your shoes, I'd be devastated too" and an acknowledgement of how they'd make amends would be healthy for the future, whether it would be reconciliation or even just friendship.  That she is so wrapped up in her pain that she can't suffer empathy is damning.

Two is that as a long-term vet of Staying, I can tease out the mindsets behind how people work there.  You have your hardcore codependents, which is a tough nut to crack, and I've had the pleasure of calling out a few of them behind the scenes.  You have people who are involved with partners who are honest-to-goodness doing the work, but are obviously struggling with it.  You have people who for whatever reason can't just pack up and leave, and want to make life easier while they're getting their house in order to head out the door.  Believe it or not, you can actually function for a time with a pwBPD.  I know, because if I couldn't, I wouldn't have been able to get my money and life together to get out.  It's just a matter of what you're willing to handle, and that part is on you.
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He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.~ Matthew 5:45
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« Reply #42 on: March 03, 2015, 12:03:15 PM »

Invictus,

I just took a long look at the staying section and I feel badly for the people staying. It seems SO rough and it seems that very few success stories come out of a relationship with a BPD. And it looks like it's success with disclaimers. I think I've made the right choice to walk away. Thank you for suggesting to check out the staying section!

I had a meeting with a psychologist last week to start working through my own issues related to all this stuff. I sent her a thank you email afterwards because I felt like I finally talked to somebody in person who understood me. Here is a part of her reply to me - "I'm glad the session brought you some relief, and again I can validate how difficult if not impossible it is to have a healthy relationship with someone who is struggling with personality disorder issues! I'm glad you are "re-framing" your painful experience as a challenge to explore more about what you really want in your life right now." Straight from a licensed professional with specialty in personality disorders. Keep this in mind if she ever comes back again with even more tear jerking stuff... .

This is a powerful message from a psychologist that is right on with how my T approached our sessions.  The main point is that the healing and detachment process is about "you" and not "her".  I didn't understand how co-dependent I was and why I struggled to see the red flags and to walk away from an unhealthy r/s during the first 3-4 months.  I began to "own" her struggles and put them before my needs and it grew worse through the next 3 years of the r/s.  What I understand now is that dealing with a person with a PD is a slippery slope and even staying in "distant contact" carries the threat of allowing yourself to be pulled back in.  I really suggest to you to go n/c and explore what about you and your past lured you in to such an unhealthy r/s and what is causing you to want to continue it in some form.  The answer to those two questions may help you find peace within yourself and to set you up for a more healthy r/s in the future.  
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Invictus01
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« Reply #43 on: March 03, 2015, 03:12:59 PM »

This is a powerful message from a psychologist that is right on with how my T approached our sessions.  The main point is that the healing and detachment process is about "you" and not "her".  I didn't understand how co-dependent I was and why I struggled to see the red flags and to walk away from an unhealthy r/s during the first 3-4 months.  I began to "own" her struggles and put them before my needs and it grew worse through the next 3 years of the r/s.  What I understand now is that dealing with a person with a PD is a slippery slope and even staying in "distant contact" carries the threat of allowing yourself to be pulled back in.  I really suggest to you to go n/c and explore what about you and your past lured you in to such an unhealthy r/s and what is causing you to want to continue it in some form.  The answer to those two questions may help you find peace within yourself and to set you up for a more healthy r/s in the future.  

To be honest though, if you never dealt with anything like this before, how do you know what red flags are? If you are dealing with a highly functioning person who happens to enjoy your company and you appear to have a ton in common, there are no signs of abuse, no weird behavior... .until things blow up after 6 months... .Yeah, sure, now that you know the rules of the game and you know things to look for. But before that, how would you know?
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raisins3142
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« Reply #44 on: March 03, 2015, 03:17:13 PM »

This is a powerful message from a psychologist that is right on with how my T approached our sessions.  The main point is that the healing and detachment process is about "you" and not "her".  I didn't understand how co-dependent I was and why I struggled to see the red flags and to walk away from an unhealthy r/s during the first 3-4 months.  I began to "own" her struggles and put them before my needs and it grew worse through the next 3 years of the r/s.  What I understand now is that dealing with a person with a PD is a slippery slope and even staying in "distant contact" carries the threat of allowing yourself to be pulled back in.  I really suggest to you to go n/c and explore what about you and your past lured you in to such an unhealthy r/s and what is causing you to want to continue it in some form.  The answer to those two questions may help you find peace within yourself and to set you up for a more healthy r/s in the future.  

To be honest though, if you never dealt with anything like this before, how do you know what red flags are? If you are dealing with a highly functioning person who happens to enjoy your company and you appear to have a ton in common, there are no signs of abuse, no weird behavior... .until things blow up after 6 months... .Yeah, sure, now that you know the rules of the game and you know things to look for. But before that, how would you know?

I knew because my uBPDexgf spoke of things that are common in other emotionally unstable people I have known (her past drinking/drugging, wanted to have sex with me within 4 hours of first meeting me, many short relationships, moved in with men very quickly, all her exes were supposedly bad people, her parents and family seemed like they behaved worse than animals toward her, and much more).  Also, it was what she wouldn't say, which was any actual details about her past.  Also, she was over the top fake towards other people.  I saw her doing this to others (her demeanor would change drastically) but I never considered she was doing that to me also (this was the missing piece, I overlooked the crazy because of how good she was towards me at first).  I knew I was dealing with a crazy person, but thought her crazy would not make me unhappy or that she had changed enough over time.  I'd say I was positive that she was unstable within 3 or 4 weeks.
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« Reply #45 on: March 03, 2015, 03:35:15 PM »

I knew because my uBPDexgf spoke of things that are common in other emotionally unstable people I have known (her past drinking/drugging, wanted to have sex with me within 4 hours of first meeting me, many short relationships, moved in with men very quickly, all her exes were supposedly bad people, her parents and family seemed like they behaved worse than animals toward her, and much more).  Also, it was what she wouldn't say, which was any actual details about her past.  Also, she was over the top fake towards other people.  I saw her doing this to others (her demeanor would change drastically) but I never considered she was doing that to me also (this was the missing piece, I overlooked the crazy because of how good she was towards me at first).  I knew I was dealing with a crazy person, but thought her crazy would not make me unhappy or that she had changed enough over time.  I'd say I was positive that she was unstable within 3 or 4 weeks.

I must have been lucky enough to either not ever having unstable people in my life or walking away from them very early and not learning all the signs. I sure as hell know now... .I gotta say though some things seemed to be off... .but if you look at them as one at a time occurrence as opposed to parts of the whole picture, it is kinda tough to connect the dots... .
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« Reply #46 on: March 03, 2015, 09:34:17 PM »

everybody please take a deep breath and see the big picture. this gal CHEATED on you, do you know what it means? she is history, gone, you shouldn't have read that letter, instead you should have destroyed it and move on with your life. if i was you i would go complete NO CONTACT and disappear from this planet. i don't trust any word in this letter because it comes from a BPD person. BPD only lie when they breathe.
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« Reply #47 on: March 04, 2015, 09:08:41 AM »

I agree with Zeus, in my previous thread I mentioned the fact she cheated on you. How could you trust her? She dances around in this letter with her poor victim role and so desperately wants you back. Don't get caught up in her drama. You are not in this letter, your feelings do not matter - only hers.
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Figuring it out

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« Reply #48 on: March 04, 2015, 10:06:24 AM »

My exBPDgf just called me yesterday (I didn't pick up, I've been NC for 5 days now.) and said this to me: "Hey. It's me. I kinda wanted to hear your voicemail. I hope you're ok and that you're managing. I wish I could help you feel better and I know I can't but I really wish I could. I'm thinking of you and I love you."

Much different tone than the letter. I think perhaps she went to therapy and the therapist may have worked with her in some way and she decided to reach out?

Also, her sister (she's normal) came by and picked up my ex's things and we talked for an hour and a half about me ex and was enlightening. I pretty much corroborate her story about her past history (ex bf's, family, events) to see about where she might have lied to me and where she told the truth. I did this because I wanted to see if she might have been with other men and lied about it, and to see how much she's lied since many of you have had stories about your exBPD's lying.

Her sister confirmed that she told the truth about pretty much everything. From her ___ed up ex's that cheated on her, to her childhood experiences growing up, to guys that she's been with during our relationship. She pretty much shares almost everything with her sister.

While we were together she also started seeing a female ex who is also a pwBPD, and she cheated on her as well and destroyed their relationship. Her ex tried committing suicide and it was a year before they connected. In talking about her, she showed much regret, remorse in losing someone that she loved and she told me that she wouldn't pursue any sort of sexual relationship with her because she can't hurt her again and lose her. This intention has been also corroborated by her sister. The fact that she can think this way I think gives me a glimmer of hope in her recovery. Also, this board has been overwhelming in stating that she speaks in a very childlike manner and I fully agree with what people have posted. But the phone call made me think that she can get over this with more years of therapy and dedication on this part.

Her sister also said that of all of the men she's been with, I was the best for her and she definitely has cared about me the most and this has really affected her in a way that makes her regretful. The sister also agreed with NC for a while and warned me that she may try to fight/plead/guilt me so she can get me back. I'm going to continue NC unless she starts barraging me with contact. (She just sent me another email and an attached letter and I haven't opened it just yet.)

What are your thoughts on her voicemail that was pretty much mainly concerned with how I was doing?

Invictus,

I'm thinking that once I score this new job as a flight attendant, I'm going to utilize the health care and see about getting in and chatting with a therapist. I think I have quite a few things that I'd like to chat with them about. The more I read this board, the more I understand that each person has had similar, but slightly different experience with their PBD experience. And there seems to be a spectrum of how badly people were treated/lied to/manipulated.

I was lucky enough to be told on the first date that my potential, now exBPDgf was BPD. But I went forward anyway. Now I know.

Apollotech,

I also have chosen not to respond and in reading a book on borderlines (I hate you, don't leave me). I feel love for her still, I want the best for her, I want her to be able to heal and live a well adjusted life. After a period of NC and working on myself, when I feel ready, I would like to contact her again and like you, try to offer a sense of stability in her life. I have forgiven her for what she's done, and I wish her love and peacefulness.

jhkbuzz,

She definitely had TONS of trauma in her early life. He mom is uBPD and secretly got pregnant with her husband (he didn't want any more kids and was cheating on her with other women at the time) to try and make him stay. My exBPDgf knows this. She also didn't have much compassion from her mother since her mom's ploy did not work and my ex was a failed attempt and when she cried as a young baby/child, her mom would be inconsistent with her love. This and I'm sure many other things gave her the fear of abandonment and perhaps pushed her into being BPD. Her mom and her Aunt are both uBPD so it also runs in the family. Sigh. Also at the end of her book she wrote -

"I went to war against myself doctor, that's the severity of this feeling. But what can I do? I've resigned to this life."

I teared up when I read that and feel sorry for her. The more I dive into the world of BPD, the less I hurt because it is an illness and although it doesn't excuse her, it helps to know that it was not her intentionally hurting me. I think if it was a normal functioning girl, I would be much more hurt. Also, I think a few of the girls in the past that I dated for a very short period of time that I deemed "crazy" showed many of the signs of BPD.

I plan on getting tested again just in case and also, I agree. It is brutal. You are also very insightful. Thank you.

Billypilgrim,

The thing about my diagnosed ex is that she is actively getting DBT and therapy. With my "love-bombing" it was corroborated by her sister. (It was tearful, but she was very honest about everything) I was the best for her, I treated her the best. She didn't vilify her ex, instead she said how remorseful she was that she cheated on her and doesn't want to lose her completely from her life. What do you think about this? I don't want to feel nothing when I think of her, but at the same time, I cannot and will not let myself be dragged back into an unhealthy relationship for the rest of my life. Period. I have too much self respect.

Upsidedown_world,

Curious as to what you think about these new things that have occurred? I agree she needs therapy, but I want to believe that she can get better. Not so I can be with her, but because I truly love her and want her to live a healthy life.

illuminati,

I'm wondering what you think as well since you've been in the staying side of things since she's recently seen her therapist and had DBT (she goes on Mondays) and she just recently did show some empathy.

Madison,

I plan on working on myself for a bit and not jumping into another relationship or entering back into the dating foray. I want to build my friendships and rediscover myself as a whole, healthy, compassionate human being and center myself before going back in again. I'm sure I entered into this relationship because I didn't realize the severity of the illness and thought that with support and love, I could help heal her. I agree with Invictus in that she really enjoyed my company, with did a lot of fun things together and other than the BPD things, it was just like a normal relationship starting. Dumb, I know. I think it was just naiveté and my readiness to try loving someone for real this time around rather than holding back. That's why I hurt so much, but each day becomes easier. Thank you for your advice.

Raisins,

I like Invictus was luck enough to not really know what mental illness was until being in a relationship with someone that has it. My mom is really messed up and I think she as BPD tendencies, but I don't think she would satisfy the 5 out of 9 things needed for diagnosis. My brother seems to also have tendencies, but again only maybe 4. So our family wasn't perfect, but there was never the self-harm, suicidal, fear of abandonment and other that I consider the big ones.

Zeus and downwhim,

I know she cheated on me and that is not ok. I'm going NC. I just... .I don't know. Want the best for her and I'm trying to slowly heal myself as well. I'm currently trying to separate, but it's hard because she's reaching out again. I think she JUST tried calling using a blocked number. Sigh. I might have to make contact to tell her to not contact me... .

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billypilgrim
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since 10/2014. Divorce will be finalized 10/2015.
Posts: 266


« Reply #49 on: March 04, 2015, 10:42:00 AM »

Billypilgrim,

The thing about my diagnosed ex is that she is actively getting DBT and therapy. With my "love-bombing" it was corroborated by her sister. (It was tearful, but she was very honest about everything) I was the best for her, I treated her the best. She didn't vilify her ex, instead she said how remorseful she was that she cheated on her and doesn't want to lose her completely from her life. What do you think about this? I don't want to feel nothing when I think of her, but at the same time, I cannot and will not let myself be dragged back into an unhealthy relationship for the rest of my life. Period. I have too much self respect.

My honest opinion? Unless she's been seeking therapy for a while now and truly committed to changing, it's going to be a long and difficult road.  DBT and therapy take years.  It can work, don't get my wrong, but for those with BPD in my life, I have no "success" stories to share.  My uncle (his wife is dBPD) has more of the same: visits from sheriffs, visits to the psych ward, bankruptcy from her running up credit cards in his name, etc...   All I think about it when I see his life is that that could have been me in 15 years.  My ex's mother is as she always has been, sick, emotionally manipulative, promiscuous, forever skirting around the law with financial issues.  And my ex is following her every lead.  All 3 of them have gotten to a point where they think they need or were required to get help but they never commit long enough to truly change.  They will forever be victims and the sad part is that they'll never realize that they are persecuting themselves.  There's no magic pill that solves their problems.  They actually have to work on themselves.  And that's pretty difficult for people that solely rely on others to meet their needs. 

And I don't doubt you were the best for her.  Perhaps not for the right reasons (at the expense of you and a healthy relationship, is what I mean by this), but you are likely caring, open minded, tolerant, patient, and steady.  The perfect sort of counterbalance to the chaos in your ex's life.  But what I found interesting is that you only mentioned how you were the best for her.  Was she the best for you?  It certainly doesn't sound like it.  Stick to that last bit of your post.  That's what you should focus on.  Steer clear, as tough as it is, but time is your friend here.   
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Figuring it out

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Posts: 22


« Reply #50 on: March 04, 2015, 11:01:33 AM »

billypilgrim,

You're so right. She's not the best for me. I don't know who is. All I know is I was in a cloud of love and lust for the last months. I know that 3 months is not a long time, but I never felt as deeply as I did for a significant other. This was also due to the fact that I have grown since my last relationship and finally allowed myself to fully love and she was someone that came along at the right time.

The time we had together was great. I really felt some of the strongest instances of joy in my life, but also sorrow and anxiety. I won't be dating another borderline or anyone with mental illness because I want a healthy positive loving relationship. I expect love, understanding, loyalty, integrity, compassion, security, thoughtfulness in my relationships.

I think with time and dedication, I really hope she can overcome this. I would still like to be there for, when I am ready to see her again and make contact but I don't think that will be for a while. Maybe something a bit more ancillary. I guess it's hard to let go of that ideal image I created of her rather than who she really is, struggling everyday, trying to make sense of the world. I forgive her. I'm not mad. I want the best for her. This experience has taught me a lot and I believe I've become more compassionate. I think we as human beings, as long as we aren't consumed by our pain, grow out of it and become better people. Or at least that's what I like to believe.
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apollotech
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« Reply #51 on: March 04, 2015, 11:58:32 AM »

My exBPDgf just called me yesterday (I didn't pick up, I've been NC for 5 days now.) and said this to me: "Hey. It's me. I kinda wanted to hear your voicemail. I hope you're ok and that you're managing. I wish I could help you feel better and I know I can't but I really wish I could. I'm thinking of you and I love you."

Much different tone than the letter. I think perhaps she went to therapy and the therapist may have worked with her in some way and she decided to reach out?


What are your thoughts on her voicemail that was pretty much mainly concerned with how I was doing?




Apollotech,

I also have chosen not to respond and in reading a book on borderlines (I hate you, don't leave me). I feel love for her still, I want the best for her, I want her to be able to heal and live a well adjusted life. After a period of NC and working on myself, when I feel ready, I would like to contact her again and like you, try to offer a sense of stability in her life. I have forgiven her for what she's done, and I wish her love and peacefulness.

Figuring it out,

One thing that I didn't mention in my earlier post on the possibility of eventually reestablishing contact is that even though we may be able to provide a bit of stability in their lives, while at the same time protecting ourselves, they have to be willing to accept said circumstances in a healthy way. If it is anything less than that, healthy, we must be able to walk away without regret or hurt. You can prepare yourself to stand by the fire, but there is no preparation which allows you to stand in the fire.

I envy you in that your BPDex is in treatment. Congratulations to her for recognizing a problem, accepting responsibility for said problem, and for working towards a solution to said problem. She wants a better life for herself and she is moving in that direction. It will require much work and much time. My BPDexgf acknowledges that she has "issues" but is comfortable in not seeking help for said issues. She simply does not recognize the problems that her "issues" create in HER life. In her words, she is "f**ked up." I fully agree with her and accept her assessment. My childhood friend, adult lover will die never knowing the joy/comfort/peace/security/love/etc. that a normal, healthy relationship provides.

She is now seeing someone and proclaims that she is "extremely happy." (I received a text from her yesterday morning.) Unfortunately, with her BPD driving the bus, the sole purpose of the text was to iniate a re-engagement... .then triangulation. There were several texts before this one where she was "just checking on me." When those didn't generate a response she upped her game. The long text, announcing the new bf, had several hooks for me to grab onto in order to get me to respond. Figuring it out, in regards to dealing with a person afflicted with BPD, be very careful about assuming normalcy. It is just a sad and destructive disorder for everyone involved, most of all the person with BPD.
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