sick father and BPD mother...

[Pipper99]

i've been nc for about 3 years and they have been truely healing. Having a BPD mother. I just found out my father is in the hospital and went to go see him with my son. I didn't know what I would walk into but to my surprise my mother was warm and welcoming. It was like nothing had happended.

It was fine for a while as I went to go see him and make sure he was ok, but honestly I went to support my son. I grieved a long time ago for my parents and I found myself not having much emotion. As I sat there longer as my sister in law (very much a BPD also or something close to that). was obnoious and over the top and her and my mother and brother chatted, I realized how fake they are and how i am not in this circle of drama anymore.

I went to see my father and could care less about anything else, my son stil has some contact with them and has always been closer to my father. Its important for him and Its important for me to support him.

So I sit her tonight and think what do I do now? do I go visit him tomorrow? who knows what the day will bring tomorrow with my mother. Its a weird point when you get here and your parents are ill/sick but the connection emothionally was distroyed, so what are you suppose to feel? I feel quilt for not feeling more... that I seem very harsh and cold, and this is not who I am.

thanks for letting me vent

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Pipper

First may I congratulate you on taking steps for your own healing and self protection. I think it was courageous of you. And yes there are repercussions although you seem to be dealing with them surprisingly well. I salute you.

I can understand you wanting to support your son's decisions but it should not be at the cost of the work you have done for yourself. is your son aware of your past experiences?

I am sorry to hear your mother is unwell - does that change how you feel about her? Has her general behaviour improved at all pr is it just "honeymoon" superficial?

I can understand you feeling bad for not feeling worse. It brings to my mind this saying about people "If they wanted me to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better"

We are all responsible for what we do in our r/ships with other people, your mother no less so.

If she takes positive steps to acknowledge what has happened between you in the past and make amends in a lasting consistent way you may review how you wish to proceed. if not you may not want to expend further energy. Are you able to set boundaries with her and your son that you are comfortable with?

What you are supposed to feel is whatever it is that you feel! There's no supposed to - there is only what is. Do you think you are supposed to feel differently than you do?

I hope you update us on what course you decide to follow

Ziggiddy

[Pipper99]

Thanks Zigg for the kind words. and your right it about this. "If they wanted me to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better"

I find myself today being ok with what I did and am doing. Its not healthy for me to be involved in it. The reason that I don't feel much emotion to my father or mother or siblings is that the depth of the betrayal and hurt cut me very deep. When you've "bottom out" emotionally and come back from it, you look at things differntly. Though I feel a careing sense towards my parents, I don't feel connected to them, I quess you can call that protecting myself. Its ok to pray and hope for my fathers health to be good, and its ok to do this from a healthy distance also. 

I am really good at giving the advice to others "take care of yourself first, if someone in your life gets upset with that than they aren't worth having around"... .I was the constant doormat for many years in my family, I sacrified myself for their happiness, the gossip/lies about me were so hard to take. Its not selfish to take care of myself and know your limits. It doesn't mean you don't care or are mean.  Its ok for my son to know whats healthy limit for me and why.