can't stop hearing her last words

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my ex told me when we spoke a few weeks after the BU that she didn't respect me , was sick of carrying me , that we had nothing in common , that she feels now in her gut "we are not meant to be " that we are both anxious people , that she wants more from a man more romance our engagement ring was not as expensive as her friends or as thought full the we are not "right for each other " ... .

All these things she said keep playing on my mind like a record .

She started the BU she trashed my bday , she screamed resentment down the phone about money , she showed no empathy or kindness for ending things out the blue she never said sorry once or took responsibility for her part in the breakup she screamed that she should have left me years ago that she grew up and to top it off she probably cheated to boot and yet I'm the one being raged at , hated , blamed , minimised , told I'm crap , ignored , indifferent .

And it hurts I can't help feeling she is right maybe I did f**k up I tried my best yet I keep feeling like its mostly my fault .

Maybe all those things are true ? 

I can't help hearing that conversation again and again in my head .

[dobie]

So my ex told me when we spoke a few weeks after the BU that she didn't respect me , was sick of carrying me , that we had nothing in common , that she feels now in her gut "we are not meant to be " that we are both anxious people , that she wants more from a man more romance our engagement ring was not as expensive as her friends or as thought full the we are not "right for each other " ... .

All these things she said keep playing on my mind like a record .

She started the BU she trashed my bday , she screamed resentment down the phone about money , she showed no empathy or kindness for ending things out the blue she never said sorry once or took responsibility for her part in the breakup she screamed that she should have left me years ago that she grew up and to top it off she probably cheated to boot and yet I'm the one being raged at , hated , blamed , minimised , told I'm crap , ignored , indifferent .

And it hurts I can't help feeling she is right maybe I did f**k up I tried my best yet I keep feeling like its mostly my fault .

Maybe all those things are true ? 

I can't help hearing that conversation again and again in my head .

[upsidedown_world]

This may seem a bit callous but I hope you understand that you appear to need a bit of a shake.

There is no way of rationalizing the irrational.  That is why you can't see things the way she does, and failing to do this doesn't mean you lack compassion or empathy, or that you are in any way, a failure.  The fact is, you're not the problem.  You never were.  You're at risk of buying into the emotional projections of someone who simply cannot regulate her emotions as an adult or as an equal.  It's all very convincing - after all, it doesn't add up to the RATIONAL mind how someone can actually BE that upset if there's nothing to be upset about?  Doesn't it mean you MUST have failed in some critical way?  NO it DOES NOT.  Your compassion or desire for understanding is taking you down the rabbit hole.  The only way "out" of this thinking process is if you don't process her actions or words as you would if she was another adult emotionally - this is one of the ways you can keep from compromising your common sense.  Would you move over and let a 4-year old drive your car?  Why would you give an emotional 4-year old ANY control of your life or respond as if they were your equal in emotional maturity in a relationship?  It's just asking for disaster.  Sure, she's suffering - this is true - but she'd suffer whether or not it was you on the other end of the equation.  Her suffering is completely independent of you.  You CANNOT prevent or stop it and you DO NOT have to join her (it's best for you that you don't).  Do you somehow believe you deserve misery?

Don't fall into the trap of using the traditional logic of reverse engineering to BELIEVE you were the problem just because SHE is blaming you for HER feelings and they ARE/WERE obviously overwhelming her and "real".  The truth is, her emotions are not proportional or rational for an adult.  So any rationalization you try to perform on them will be incorrect by correlation upon a skewed dataset.  No matter how many right things you may have done, the isolated wrong things (oversights, typically) surely showed her your true "evil" nature, as far as she's concerned.  Everything else was likely seen as merely an attempt to "get back in her good books" only to regain her trust so you can destroy it again the next time by some petty (or conjured) slight you've committed.  Shampoo.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

At this point, you can thank your lucky stars that your losses have been cut FOR you.  This is a HUGE favor to you.  Don't buy into the thought of YOU failing, or you just become collateral damage of her diagnosis/condition.  You can't fix people.  Hold onto your logic and reason (and balance) with stoic resolve and take a breath of fresh air.

[Restored2]

Hi dobie.  upsidedownworld sums it up extremely well in a loving shake. 

When dealing with such negative projections placed upon us, we need to reprogram our thoughts with affirmations of what we know to be true.  Otherwise we fall victim to believing the negative talk and lies, as though they are gospel truth when in reality they are not.

[raisins3142]

Excellent post, Upsidedown.

Especially liked this:

" The only way "out" of this thinking process is if you don't process her actions or words as you would if she was another adult emotionally - this is one of the ways you can keep from compromising your common sense."

and the part about why reverse engineering fails here.

One thing instructive for me now, is to think of my 4 year old niece and how she relates to adults.  My ex is basically a sad version of my niece with some adult manners smeared on top.  My niece is much easier to deal with, obviously.

[Mutt]

All these things she said keep playing on my mind like a record .

Rumination is like a stuck record playing the same lyrics. It's human nature, people obsess and over think a situation or life event; it can lead to negative negative effects like anxiety, depression, PTSD.

So my ex told me when we spoke a few weeks after the BU that she didn't respect me , was sick of carrying me , that we had nothing in common , that she feels now in her gut "we are not meant to be " that we are both anxious people , that she wants more from a man more romance our engagement ring was not as expensive as her friends or as thought full the we are not "right for each other " ... .

Don't be hard on yourself dobie.

I agree she's devaluating you - an unrealistic portrait of a person based on how she interprets reality and how she feels.

What are your good qualities?

[DyingLove]

So my ex told me when we spoke a few weeks after the BU that she didn't respect me , was sick of carrying me , that we had nothing in common , that she feels now in her gut "we are not meant to be " that we are both anxious people , that she wants more from a man more romance our engagement ring was not as expensive as her friends or as thought full the we are not "right for each other " ... .

All these things she said keep playing on my mind like a record .

She started the BU she trashed my bday , she screamed resentment down the phone about money , she showed no empathy or kindness for ending things out the blue she never said sorry once or took responsibility for her part in the breakup she screamed that she should have left me years ago that she grew up and to top it off she probably cheated to boot and yet I'm the one being raged at , hated , blamed , minimised , told I'm crap , ignored , indifferent .

And it hurts I can't help feeling she is right maybe I did f**k up I tried my best yet I keep feeling like its mostly my fault .

Maybe all those things are true ? 

I can't help hearing that conversation again and again in my head .

All I could say is WOW!

If I didn't know better I would think that I'm reading something that I wrote!Mine had also told me the same thing that she was sick of caring me sick of supporting me. So what I did was I made up a list of all the things I've done in the past four years all the things I paid for and I have it sitting right here on my desktop on the computer. I'm sorry Dobie, but I'm angry for you on your behalf. She did the exact same thing to me and made me feel the same way. I was the man of her dreams, the love of her life, the last man in her life. These are the things she told me for the longest time. Now I'm not the man she met! Of course I'm not, I'm an emotional wreck, unloaded would BPD residue!

I'm at the mercy of her vehicle also since I don't have one. So on a previous weekend she took me to Walmart so I can get my haircut at the salon. Upon coming out she did not like the fact that she couldn't find me and she started bashing me in the car, and one wine I will never forget is that I stay home and do nothing all day except play with my d*ck! She also made a comment about me masturbating. I proceeded to tell her that I haven't had sex in three weeks, and yes I was masturbating to a video I have of her on my phone completing oral sex. I said it very confidently and she did not like it one bit. One thing I can say is I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, it's not a problem. Like the old cliché, I don't think love is dirty unless you don't wash up! LOL

I hope I didn't write anything up above that would offend anyone or be something that would not be allowed in this forum. And I do hope that what I said above gives a chuckle to those who need it!

[sun seeker]

 Yea Dobie I cant totally relate here.  My diagnosed exBPDgf  last time  also stuck for a while.

For me she usually raged right before we took time apart. The last words this time made me go N/C  where totall opposite. We hit a rough patch and she relapsed (alcholic) on a binder for 4 days str8.

She called (wasted)" i havnt ate in a couple days can you bring me some food." So i did. She was actually not raging and said "i love you (pet name) please dont leave me and how she really needs to stop drinking".

   

i said i love you too . babe you know  this behavior has to stop for your life depends on it.

This is what stuck and made me go n/c...

She said " you where not supposed to stay with me this long".  That broke my heart I felt so bad for her. It is the first words I have beleaved  coming from her in a long time.

Immediately she raged and said" get out of my house" so I left . I didnt say a single  word.

Upon closing the door she screams "ill just call another boy" kept my mouth shut kept steppin .I got home and simpley texted her im changing my number. N/C.

We will be ok . Just imagine how easy a r/s with a healthy person is going to be after what we have endured.  We got this!

[raisins3142]

That's awful sun seeker.  I'm sorry.  My uBPDexgf seems easy in comparison, and she was not easy to be with at all.

[sun seeker]

 Thanks raisins

You know out of all the lieing , cheating, and devastating rages  I shouldered through out our    r/s why does this one calm statement my ex BPDgf bring me to finally go n/c? Any thoughts would be helpful. Dont get me wrong im glad for this im smiling today ! I wouldnt be of it wasnt for n/c.

[dobie]

Beautiful posts guys / gals thanks

The truth is she did earn more so did pay more but I was always generous with what I had overly so in comparison to what I made compared to what she does

I was always emotionally supportive , listening for hours each day to her worries / problems soothing etc and after the BU she told me point blank she had not given a damm about my career for over a year and had purposely distanced herself from my loving /welcoming family for the same time though I had endured her alcoholic waste of a father in my home and had always been welcoming and engaged with hers

She offered no emotional support for years as well so who has been "carrying who" I can't even count more than 5 times in the last year or so she did something nice and small like even offering to make me a cup of tea .

I suffered years of little to no sex yet still did not cheat .

Respect pffff she uses and discards people acts like a chamelon  has no interests or personality apart from what she mirrors flippantly and most people find her difficult and that's putting it mildly . has no trust is selfish high maintance .

I'm loyal , loving , kind , generous I try to act towards everyone with honour and integrity and I'm a rock when it comes to my family , friends loved ones

She really is a turd BPD or not .  

She has without a doubt been the worst person in terms of honour , integrity , empathy and basic human morality I have ever dated


My projection of who I wanted / thought her to be along with my lack of self worth kept me in the fog it took her Viscious BU style for me to finally see what others did but would not tell me about who she really is ... .I still have mist in my eyes its hard to let go of a fantasy and admit I was played , used and discarded

[apollotech]

Thanks raisins

You know out of all the lieing , cheating, and devastating rages  I shouldered through out our    r/s why does this one calm statement my ex BPDgf bring me to finally go n/c? Any thoughts would be helpful. Dont get me wrong im glad for this im smiling today ! I wouldnt be of it wasnt for n/c.

dobie and sun seeker,

Clarity and direction can come at odd times and when least expected. Like you sun seeker, I weathered my BPDexgf's rages, infidelity, lying, manipulations, selfishness, etc. I had a seemingly unending supply of hope: tomorrow things will be better. That tomorrow never came.

My unexpected clarity came in a grocery store one night. My BPDexgf called me in a rage (not directed at me) about not being able to see the end of a movie that she had been watching at the theater. To her it was earth shaking. Anything I said to try to move her off of this negative topic was immediately discarded. She went on and on about not being able to finish the movie (victim role to the max).

I cannot tell you why, but at that moment, listening to her rage on the phone, it hit me: I do not want to be with this woman. There will never be a day of peace with this woman. I actually mumbled I do not want to be with this woman. to myself. At that moment, over an event that had nothing to do with me, I saw what a future with her would hold. Shortly afterwards, maybe a day or two, I terminated the relationship and went strict NC. I am very thankful for that brief moment of clarity and the direction that it pointed me in.

[Infared]

Thanks raisins

You know out of all the lieing , cheating, and devastating rages  I shouldered through out our    r/s why does this one calm statement my ex BPDgf bring me to finally go n/c? Any thoughts would be helpful. Dont get me wrong im glad for this im smiling today ! I wouldnt be of it wasnt for n/c.

It was your bottom. Who would say I love you to a person who said "I'll just call another boy"? It wasn't a calm statement according to your post... .she screamed it at you through a door, correct?

You had just had enough. it was your breaking point. From that moment on you started loving you... .God knows she wasn't. Keep up doing what you are doing... .and... .keep being you!

[going places]

Like breaking a habit; you have to replace the bad-destructive crap with healthy, true, and real things.

Every time those lies come into your head, replace them with a real, true fact.

For me personally, I memorized and quoted, sometimes out loud, Scripture.

You have to replace the lies, with truth.

Remove all focus from her and the situation, and put the full focus on YOU and YOUR future, your hopes, your dreams... .

I have been in the rumination / marinade phase, and it took me to the brink of insanity.

Which is right where they want you.

Rise up and walk out of the mire!

YOU CAN DO IT!

[dobie]

Thanks raisins

You know out of all the lieing , cheating, and devastating rages  I shouldered through out our    r/s why does this one calm statement my ex BPDgf bring me to finally go n/c? Any thoughts would be helpful. Dont get me wrong im glad for this im smiling today ! I wouldnt be of it wasnt for n/c.

dobie and sun seeker,

Clarity and direction can come at odd times and when least expected. Like you sun seeker, I weathered my BPDexgf's rages, infidelity, lying, manipulations, selfishness, etc. I had a seemingly unending supply of hope: tomorrow things will be better. That tomorrow never came.

My unexpected clarity came in a grocery store one night. My BPDexgf called me in a rage (not directed at me) about not being able to see the end of a movie that she had been watching at the theater. To her it was earth shaking. Anything I said to try to move her off of this negative topic was immediately discarded. She went on and on about not being able to finish the movie (victim role to the max).

I cannot tell you why, but at that moment, listening to her rage on the phone, it hit me: I do not want to be with this woman. There will never be a day of peace with this woman. I actually mumbled I do not want to be with this woman. to myself. At that moment, over an event that had nothing to do with me, I saw what a future with her would hold. Shortly afterwards, maybe a day or two, I terminated the relationship and went strict NC. I am very thankful for that brief moment of clarity and the direction that it pointed me in.

I envy that clarity I'm still at the stage if she apologised and told me she had made a mistake I'd take her back (never going to happen) mine did not rage "though she could"  it was more irritability , complaining and anxiety with a pinch of paranoia thrown in followed over the years by more and more fault finding, blame  & resentment . She used me till she had a new supply (another man?) And or her sister and new best friend .

As she said as she left I don't need you as a friend now , I have friends .

Total selfish user

[apollotech]

Thanks raisins

You know out of all the lieing , cheating, and devastating rages  I shouldered through out our    r/s why does this one calm statement my ex BPDgf bring me to finally go n/c? Any thoughts would be helpful. Dont get me wrong im glad for this im smiling today ! I wouldnt be of it wasnt for n/c.

dobie and sun seeker,

Clarity and direction can come at odd times and when least expected. Like you sun seeker, I weathered my BPDexgf's rages, infidelity, lying, manipulations, selfishness, etc. I had a seemingly unending supply of hope: tomorrow things will be better. That tomorrow never came.

My unexpected clarity came in a grocery store one night. My BPDexgf called me in a rage (not directed at me) about not being able to see the end of a movie that she had been watching at the theater. To her it was earth shaking. Anything I said to try to move her off of this negative topic was immediately discarded. She went on and on about not being able to finish the movie (victim role to the max).

I cannot tell you why, but at that moment, listening to her rage on the phone, it hit me: I do not want to be with this woman. There will never be a day of peace with this woman. I actually mumbled I do not want to be with this woman. to myself. At that moment, over an event that had nothing to do with me, I saw what a future with her would hold. Shortly afterwards, maybe a day or two, I terminated the relationship and went strict NC. I am very thankful for that brief moment of clarity and the direction that it pointed me in.

I envy that clarity I'm still at the stage if she apologised and told me she had made a mistake I'd take her back (never going to happen) mine did not rage "though she could"  it was more irritability , complaining and anxiety with a pinch of paranoia thrown in followed over the years by more and more fault finding, blame  & resentment . She used me till she had a new supply (another man?) And or her sister and new best friend .

As she said as she left I don't need you as a friend now , I have friends .

Total selfish user

dobie,

Your situation is a whole lot different than mine was. I terminated my relationship at about the 7-8 month mark. You have seen a lot more abuse because you have been in your situation much longer. That probably has eroded your self-esteem which leads you to believe that you "need" her. You do not "need" her. Clearly, you want her, but you do not "need" her. I say this because I want you to fully recognize the difference. We have very little control over our needs; in contrast, we have absolute control over our wants. Simply, wants are a choice.

She is gone. Now is the time for YOU to get selfish. YOU ARE WORTHY and YOU HAVE WORTH; that worth is in NO way, shape, or form connected to her nor her thoughts of YOU. Now is the time to work on YOU, to get YOU up on your feet. Now is the time to not ruminate on what YOU have lost, but to dream about what YOU can gain. The time and effort that you put into coddling her, put that into developing yourself. She was and is behind you my friend, as she always was and always will be... .you just didn't see it that way.

The fastest way that I know of to developed self-esteem/self-worth is through helping others. I don't know where you live or your living situation, but if possible, I would get involved in volunteer work at a hospital, church, shelter, school, etc. I would do something where I could actually see that my actions have had a positive influence on someone else's life. That will connect you in life to others who genuinely need your time and efforts and are appreciative of your time and efforts.

I do not know what your religious beliefs are, if any, nor your views of religion. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, atheist, whatever... .it doesn't matter, I would crack open the Bible and begin reading/studying Proverbs. There is wisdom in that scripture that will teach you how to protect yourself in this life and how to conduct yourself in this life.

I hope that you gain peace and comfort soon my friend!

[dobie]

Thanks raisins

You know out of all the lieing , cheating, and devastating rages  I shouldered through out our    r/s why does this one calm statement my ex BPDgf bring me to finally go n/c? Any thoughts would be helpful. Dont get me wrong im glad for this im smiling today ! I wouldnt be of it wasnt for n/c.

dobie and sun seeker,

Clarity and direction can come at odd times and when least expected. Like you sun seeker, I weathered my BPDexgf's rages, infidelity, lying, manipulations, selfishness, etc. I had a seemingly unending supply of hope: tomorrow things will be better. That tomorrow never came.

My unexpected clarity came in a grocery store one night. My BPDexgf called me in a rage (not directed at me) about not being able to see the end of a movie that she had been watching at the theater. To her it was earth shaking. Anything I said to try to move her off of this negative topic was immediately discarded. She went on and on about not being able to finish the movie (victim role to the max).

I cannot tell you why, but at that moment, listening to her rage on the phone, it hit me: I do not want to be with this woman. There will never be a day of peace with this woman. I actually mumbled I do not want to be with this woman. to myself. At that moment, over an event that had nothing to do with me, I saw what a future with her would hold. Shortly afterwards, maybe a day or two, I terminated the relationship and went strict NC. I am very thankful for that brief moment of clarity and the direction that it pointed me in.

I envy that clarity I'm still at the stage if she apologised and told me she had made a mistake I'd take her back (never going to happen) mine did not rage "though she could"  it was more irritability , complaining and anxiety with a pinch of paranoia thrown in followed over the years by more and more fault finding, blame  & resentment . She used me till she had a new supply (another man?) And or her sister and new best friend .

As she said as she left I don't need you as a friend now , I have friends .

Total selfish user

dobie,

Your situation is a whole lot different than mine was. I terminated my relationship at about the 7-8 month mark. You have seen a lot more abuse because you have been in your situation much longer. That probably has eroded your self-esteem which leads you to believe that you "need" her. You do not "need" her. Clearly, you want her, but you do not "need" her. I say this because I want you to fully recognize the difference. We have very little control over our needs; in contrast, we have absolute control over our wants. Simply, wants are a choice.

She is gone. Now is the time for YOU to get selfish. YOU ARE WORTHY and YOU HAVE WORTH; that worth is in NO way, shape, or form connected to her nor her thoughts of YOU. Now is the time to work on YOU, to get YOU up on your feet. Now is the time to not ruminate on what YOU have lost, but to dream about what YOU can gain. The time and effort that you put into coddling her, put that into developing yourself. She was and is behind you my friend, as she always was and always will be... .you just didn't see it that way.

The fastest way that I know of to developed self-esteem/self-worth is through helping others. I don't know where you live or your living situation, but if possible, I would get involved in volunteer work at a hospital, church, shelter, school, etc. I would do something where I could actually see that my actions have had a positive influence on someone else's life. That will connect you in life to others who genuinely need your time and efforts and are appreciative of your time and efforts.

I do not know what your religious beliefs are, if any, nor your views of religion. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, atheist, whatever... .it doesn't matter, I would crack open the Bible and begin reading/studying Proverbs. There is wisdom in that scripture that will teach you how to protect yourself in this life and how to conduct yourself in this life.

I hope that you gain peace and comfort soon my friend!

Thank you appolotech that was a beautiful post and I really appreciate it ... .

I do believe in God and his teachings , I will be cracking open proverbs thanks for that

I look after / visit my disabled father who loves and relys on me one of the cruelest things she did was to tell me last year when he nearly died that she was worried he would get I'll again and ruin our holiday . I really need to work on my self esteem when I think back to incidents like that and yet still emotionally long for her ...

I sometimes think I'm sicker than her for not just outright hating her but 6.5 years is a long time to be in the fog .

[Tibbles]

Dobie

I don't have any more words of wisdom to add here except to say the posts here are wonderful.

Your story and mine sound similar in some ways - I too was "carried " by my ex for years and he is so "sick of it" apparently. I too took on the role of listener and empathiser and caring etc.  So I'm with you - in reality who was carrying who?

You did not fail - your ex has a mental illness and so does mine. We can't heal them, but we can reject their twisted version of events and the hurtful words they throw at us. x x x x

[sun seeker]

   Infared,

Thanks you for the insight you are completely correct it was my bottom. make so much sense.

  Im not used to writing my experience s down sorry for the confusion.

 

When my dexBPDgf said "you where not supposed to be with me this long" she was still in a calm state  and it just stuck . She raged right after with "get out of her house" and then you are correct she screamed "ill just call another boy" through the door. The rage didnt bother me at all it was like I found clarity with the calm statement.  And I knew it was time to go and stay gone.

                         

             Im so thankfully for all of the people on this board. 

[Restored2]

apollotech: Great advice you gave to dobie on cracking open the book of Proverbs in The Bible, to read/study for wisdom to protect and conduct ourselves in this life.  This book is a lifeline for me!   

[apollotech]

apollotech: Great advice you gave to dobie on cracking open the book of Proverbs in The Bible, to read/study for wisdom to protect and conduct ourselves in this life.  This book is a lifeline for me!   

Restored2, I am with you on Proverbs. Solomon definitely had it going on in the brains department (I wonder if any of his wives had BPD?... .LOL). When I stated to realize that I had to protect myself emotionally from the woman that I was head-over-heals in love with, I immediately went to Proverbs. Applying Solomon's teachings will armor and arm you at the same time.

[GrowThroughIt]

So my ex told me when we spoke a few weeks after the BU that she didn't respect me , was sick of carrying me , that we had nothing in common , that she feels now in her gut "we are not meant to be " that we are both anxious people , that she wants more from a man more romance our engagement ring was not as expensive as her friends or as thought full the we are not "right for each other " ... .

All these things she said keep playing on my mind like a record .

She started the BU she trashed my bday , she screamed resentment down the phone about money , she showed no empathy or kindness for ending things out the blue she never said sorry once or took responsibility for her part in the breakup she screamed that she should have left me years ago that she grew up and to top it off she probably cheated to boot and yet I'm the one being raged at , hated , blamed , minimised , told I'm crap , ignored , indifferent .

And it hurts I can't help feeling she is right maybe I did f**k up I tried my best yet I keep feeling like its mostly my fault .

Maybe all those things are true ?  

I can't help hearing that conversation again and again in my head .

Her judgement of you is obscured by her own view of herself.

I had my ex bring up 101 things that I would have to convince her were not true about me. Work, education, outlook on life, you name it she brought it up!

In the end, she's the one who dropped out of her final year of University after supposedly having BIG plans set up for after she graduated. She posted a post on FB with a link to an article about 'When you feel like you wasted your life.' The whole premise of the article is to convince you, you have not in fact wasted your life, go figure.

Me? Thank God, I'm still trecking across the other side of the city to get where I want to be in life, God willing!

[dobie]

This may seem a bit callous but I hope you understand that you appear to need a bit of a shake.


Don't fall into the trap of using the traditional logic of reverse engineering to BELIEVE you were the problem just because SHE is blaming you for HER feelings and they ARE/WERE obviously overwhelming her and "real".  The truth is, her emotions are not proportional or rational for an adult.  So any rationalization you try to perform on them will be incorrect by correlation upon a skewed dataset.  No matter how many right things you may have done, the isolated wrong things (oversights, typically) surely showed her your true "evil" nature, as far as she's concerned.  Everything else was likely seen as merely an attempt to "get back in her good books" only to regain her trust so you can destroy it again the next time by some petty (or conjured) slight you've committed.  Shampoo.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

At this point, you can thank your lucky stars that your losses have been cut FOR you.  This is a HUGE favor to you.  :)on't buy into the thought of YOU failing, or you just become collateral damage of her diagnosis/condition.  You can't fix people.  Hold onto your logic and reason (and balance) with stoic resolve and take a breath of fresh air.

God this is so on point!  about 4 years into the r/s we had a big row a bad one and she was going to leave from that point on the trust was gone for her no matter what I did or how hard I tried even after the BU I got screamed at how can I trust you because of xyz incident 12 months + ago never mind all the other things , the accusations that I was hiding my "real nasty side" I would cheat on her or steal her money blah blah blah never did not once not ever nor would I .

The irony is of course she is the one who could not be trusted the one saying one thing and thinking and feeling another , the calculator who was slowly working up the support network and means as well as purposefully distancing herself from me with her push/pull antics the rage, blame and resentment growing by the day , month , year .

While I was happily thinking she was in love with me and about to get married she was going away with a gf to see if she missed me for three days .

The amazing thing is she thinks all this behaviour is justified lying , deciet , gas lighting , minimising the pain , trashing my birthday , never once taking any responsability for the BU or the disintegration of the r/s no of course its my fault or because "we are not meant to be " weeks before telling me we were and how she would kill herself if anything happened to me .

Flip flopping for years hiding her feelings ... .Yeah that's they way to treat another human being who loves you she is a paradigm of integrity

Screaming insults and resentment down the phone while telling me she needs to be the strong mature adult

[Restored2]

apollotech: Great advice you gave to dobie on cracking open the book of Proverbs in The Bible, to read/study for wisdom to protect and conduct ourselves in this life.  This book is a lifeline for me!   

Restored2, I am with you on Proverbs. Solomon definitely had it going on in the brains department (I wonder if any of his wives had BPD?... .LOL). When I stated to realize that I had to protect myself emotionally from the woman that I was head-over-heals in love with, I immediately went to Proverbs. Applying Solomon's teachings will armor and arm you at the same time.

apollotech: Yeah... .it does make ya wonder if Solomon had some BPD wives.  Wisdom usually comes at the cost of much pain and Solomon was an extremely wise dude.  It is very wise of you to run to the book of Proverbs in The Bible to armor and arm yourself.   

[Hostage1234]

Last words for me were I don't care about you or what you do I'm not in love with you.you will miss me more then I will miss u.you will be surprised how many people are son calls daddy.just because we have kids does not mean we should be together.at least I did not leave you when you were not making good money.

[Infared]

This may seem a bit callous but I hope you understand that you appear to need a bit of a shake.


Don't fall into the trap of using the traditional logic of reverse engineering to BELIEVE you were the problem just because SHE is blaming you for HER feelings and they ARE/WERE obviously overwhelming her and "real".  The truth is, her emotions are not proportional or rational for an adult.  So any rationalization you try to perform on them will be incorrect by correlation upon a skewed dataset.  No matter how many right things you may have done, the isolated wrong things (oversights, typically) surely showed her your true "evil" nature, as far as she's concerned.  Everything else was likely seen as merely an attempt to "get back in her good books" only to regain her trust so you can destroy it again the next time by some petty (or conjured) slight you've committed.  Shampoo.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

At this point, you can thank your lucky stars that your losses have been cut FOR you.  This is a HUGE favor to you.  :)on't buy into the thought of YOU failing, or you just become collateral damage of her diagnosis/condition.  You can't fix people.  Hold onto your logic and reason (and balance) with stoic resolve and take a breath of fresh air.

God this is so on point!  about 4 years into the r/s we had a big row a bad one and she was going to leave from that point on the trust was gone for her no matter what I did or how hard I tried even after the BU I got screamed at how can I trust you because of xyz incident 12 months + ago never mind all the other things , the accusations that I was hiding my "real nasty side" I would cheat on her or steal her money blah blah blah never did not once not ever nor would I .

The irony is of course she is the one who could not be trusted the one saying one thing and thinking and feeling another , the calculator who was slowly working up the support network and means as well as purposefully distancing herself from me with her push/pull antics the rage, blame and resentment growing by the day , month , year .

While I was happily thinking she was in love with me and about to get married she was going away with a gf to see if she missed me for three days .

The amazing thing is she thinks all this behaviour is justified lying , deciet , gas lighting , minimising the pain , trashing my birthday , never once taking any responsability for the BU or the disintegration of the r/s no of course its my fault or because "we are not meant to be " weeks before telling me we were and how she would kill herself if anything happened to me .

Flip flopping for years hiding her feelings ... .Yeah that's they way to treat another human being who loves you she is a paradigm of integrity

Screaming insults and resentment down the phone while telling me she needs to be the strong mature adult !

I have a buddy of mine... they had me over for dinner... .While I am there his wife is pushing for us (just her husband and me), to go away on a holiday weekend to go camping. It sounded like she was being supportive and understanding to her guy... to just give him a little space and a break from daddying, etc... .I was impressed with her genuineness and understanding... as this was her idea. I thought it was so cool.

Then we find out it was just a manipulatin to get him out of town so that she could go to Manhattan and hook up with some guy that she met on the Internet.

I was at their wedding. I felt so bad for my buddy... .and on top of that, aside from his feelings, "I" felt manipulated and deceived. (Which, of course, I was).

I just don't even know what to say anymore about the depth of how low some people will stoop for their selfish agendas. I had been terribly deceived by my ex... .his wife knew this and she used me to get him out of town... without considering any of the ramifications to us... .pretty foul.

[raisins3142]

The % of people that can be trusted romantically over a lifetime in contemporary society is such a sliver that the only way I could be comfortable again is in an open relationship, and I would never want that.  All social taboo regarding infidelity has been effectively removed.  And legal ramifications are becoming less and less.  Just an awful situation.