Trying to ID projection

[Riverrat]

Hi!

Thanks for all the great tips and suggestions. I have been reading here for about 2 months now, and find the info very helpful with my live-in dBPDgf.

Tonight she calmly cancels HER birthday dinner plans we made, and tells me that I really need to work on my communication skills, relaxing in her presence, and being "myself" and honest with myself about my situations in life.

She claimed she struggles because she feels I have her under a microscope, and she claims that I appear lost in our 10month relationship, as far as moving forward. Also claims that I am not being myself and she would open up more.

After discussing this with her for a while, I left for some self reflection.

It seemed to me as she was pointing out the problems, that she was really pointing out her own issues, and accusing me of having her issues.  So I am guessing that she is upset about dinner, and unknowingly blaming me through projection.

I am always myself around her, as we have been friends for 10 years. She also claimed I was a different person 10 years ago---well her BPD was not nearly as severe back then either.

Any thoughts on this? I validated her points about "me" but did not accuse her of projecting or having the same issues. 

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[OffRoad]

This one I know by heart for my own spouse.

My first question is who planned the birthday dinner? And do you know why she cancelled it?

But FWIW, when my H is stressed about something, he assigns all his feelings onto me. For the first 20 years or so, I had a good enough sense of self to know what was valid and what wasn't. I only got messed up the last 2.5 years because he gaslighted me and I began to doubt my own perceptions. (He even "forgot" to invite me to social gatherings we were both invited to-I only found out when my kids asked why I never went to his parents house any more, and I said I hadn't been invited and just thought they were busy. My kids told me that I had been invited frequently, and H told his parents I was busy... .)

My suggestion to you is that when your spouse claims that YOU have a problem, ask yourself if you have that problem. Are you lost in the relationship? Have you been trying to fix everything? Are you taking care of yourself? I would guess you ARE going to be a different person after 10 years. Since we don't just stay the same as our experiences grow, I'd think that you'd change with those experiences, no matter who you are with. Just make sure you are the person you want to be. 

[Michelle27]

I wish I had figured this out years ago.  I did end up losing myself and I am now working hard at getting ME back. 

[Riverrat]

Offroad, thanks for your thoughts and input.

Yes, I do look in the mirror, and know that those not my problems pwBPD rants about. I know that I can't really fix anything in the relationship at this point, and pretty much let her run her own life. Yes, I do take time for myself and friends, but find myself being mindful of her abandonment fears.

I asked if she wanted to go out for her birthday. She picked the place and did the research on it. After our morning walk (or our morning angry trek in the woods is more like it, her walking at high speed and basically ignoring me) She said she didn't want to go on an 'uncomfortable' outing with me.

When I got home, she had ordered an expensive pizza, and I (stupidly) questioned her where she got the money from, as she had claimed previously she was broke. This set her off like a rocket, and she attacked be verbally and physically. I course, I was blamed for ruining her birthday and numerous other crimes.

I'm really questioning my staying power this morning. Really wondering if I'm up to being with her for the long term.

[Riverrat]

Michelle,

Yes, I'm in therapy as well. I am very concerned about keeping my stability and not loosing myself to this girl. Also trying to take time for myself. It's hard as we live together due to finances, and we share her dog--so not a lot of options.

[OffRoad]

Been there done that-the angry trek through the woods where I am left behind. That was definitely a clue that she was upset about something (which you probably had no idea about, I'm guessing). It's a tough road, trying to mind read all the time.

Sometimes you can't win. For myself, today we had a conference with S16 teachers, and S has Spanish this semester. H has horrible memories of Spanish (the teacher told him not to worry that he couldn't conjugate Spanish verbs, the world needs ditch diggers, too-yes, she really said that) and it's a major trigger, but I forgot that (the man earns a six figure salary, who cares what a Spanish teacher said?). And because I'm just trying to find a way to get S through Spanish without failing, I'm the bad guy. There was no way to win today, because the existence of Spanish class deregulates him like nothing else. All the validating, or even not non-validating, in the world will not make the memories go away.

You may have been in the same boat. Her birthday may have reminded her that she is getting older and is not married, if she wants to be, or is not doing what she expected to be doing with her life. ("she claims that I appear lost in our 10month relationship, as far as moving forward"--reverse that to she is lost)

Friendship with a pwBPD is not the same as a romantic relationship with a pwBPD, as you have found out.

[ColdEthyl]

Birthdays and holidays seem to be triggers for a lot of pwBPD. Mine freaks out because he doesn't want anything because "he doesn't deserve it", makes big plans for me and then doesn't deliver, only to disappoint himself and go into a spiral.

[Riverrat]

 Good point about the Birthday. I did remember to keep it simple--just a card and a few small gifts--but did buy her some expensive makeup a few weeks back.

On my birthday I got nothing from her, and on valentines day a small gift, but no card.

dBPDgf claims that her life is good, of course. I'm the one with the problem, needs T, etc. She claims that I'm nervous and 'not myself' (?) when I'm around her, yet she DOES claim at other times to be uncomfortable around me and thinks I'm watching her. There is some dynamic going on here that I'm not clear about.

I think that she IS lost in the relationship. She will not allow any intimacy, as much as I think she would like to.  Even holding hands or cuddling sends her fleeing. Hard to believe someone hurting this bad could say no to that, but there must be some severe damage there.

Even my ex, who was abused by a previous boyfriend, got past that once she felt I could be trusted.  Maybe my gf doesn't trust me? She has said that I COULD be a molester or rapist, and has asked if I was ever with another man.

What goes through her head?

She is still upset and bitter... .hoping for better tomorrow!

[OffRoad]

Even my ex, who was abused by a previous boyfriend, got past that once she felt I could be trusted.  Maybe my gf doesn't trust me? She has said that I COULD be a molester or rapist, and has asked if I was ever with another man.

What goes through her head?

That has to be tough for you, to feel like you might not be trusted. And it would make me wonder what might have happened in her past. I've met some... .interesting... .men in my life. I was able to weed most out pretty easily, but almost got sucked in once (I swear NPD on that one). She may not have been so fortunate.

But back to the birthday, how long ago was your birthday? If she didn't get you anything, she might have felt like she didn't deserve a nice dinner out. Most of us think of pizza as a cheap meal (even when in reality it can be expensive), so a celebration that she bought herself and shared with you. Kind of evening out the score, if you see what I mean.

[Riverrat]

Yeah--I might have really messed up with that one. It was even a BBQ sauce pizza, something I mentioned trying once. She might have seen my disappointment at not going out and thought that would help. My Birthday was two days before hers, and all she really did was wish me HB in the morning, and then asked at days end how it was.

It was after I questioned her on pizza cost/money that she flew into a manic rage. I think she thought she was doing something nice, but after projecting all HER troubles on me earlier, I guess I was not really receptive.

Thanks, Offroad, for the insight into that. She is still not talking to me, but maybe the weekend will change that.

[OffRoad]

This is just a guess on my part, but a possibility was that she got you nothing for your birthday. That was OK at that point. Then you got her a card and some small gifts for her birthday. The scale is unbalanced, and she’s on the short side. She feels guilty.

If she agreed to dinner after she got the gifts, she may have thought more on it and decided that she’d cancel the dinner, but needed to project her feelings onto you to give an excuse for canceling the dinner. Then she decided to surprise you with the pizza.

If she agreed to dinner before she got the gifts, once she got the gifts the scale is now completely out of balance and projection occurs. She then cancels the dinner because it would make HER uncomfortable (she already got gifts, and gave you nothing), and thought she’d surprise you with the pizza.

My experience with my pwBPD: He has a lot of grandiose ideas in his head that he doesn’t share with me, but he expects me to act or react a certain way to those ideas when he implements them. When I don’t react the way he expects, life goes south very quickly. It takes some getting used to, untangling what went wrong and the feelings that went with it. Then finding some way to validate the feeling after the fact.

[Riverrat]

Dinner plans were made the night before the card/gifts. And I would guess the pizza was to be a surprise. I totally blew it, and she went on a rage big time.

After barely speaking yesterday, today she tells me that she wants no more "blowups" on my part. I need to choose my words much more carefully. I validated, and later told her how much it upsets me when she rages, but of course that's my fault that she has to "make her point".

Anyhow, she ended today with asking for no more negativity in our relationship, and we had a peaceful, albeit quiet, dinner together.

She said I need to back way up and start over in my r/s with her. I need to relax and think about what I'm doing and saying. She wants fun happy thoughts at this point. I validated and agreed, but I still can feel underlying anger.

I still feel she is projecting some thoughts onto me, and she is really the uncomfortable one here. She did mention that she is bringing what she can to the r/s, and I need to up my game if I want to be with her.

Meanwhile, I've been struggling with driving her everywhere (lost her license-DUI) even spending hours driving her to DUI class, work, etc. While still trying to pay all the bills as her money goes to court and lawyers.

I'm going to try to be more vulnerable, and available to her--within my boundaries of course. She did talk down to me like a 5 year old today--telling me to grow up. I would be punished if I didn't get with it. Hoping she'll get regulated soon.

I ditched all topics of money, T, and dui class today--stuff I wanted to ask her, but saw them as potential triggers at this point. It's tough, but I'm hanging in there... .

Thanks Offroad, for your wisdom. I blew this round, but will be more prepared next time

[OffRoad]

Please don't get the impression that she gets to walk all over you, though. You might have misread the signals, but it's not your fault. She shouldn't get to make all the rules or "punish" you. That's controlling behavior.

FWIW, I've been through the "want fun, happy thoughts" conversation. It was complete projection in our case. H would come home stressed and miserable, gripe about his crappy day, withdraw, ignore, and expect me to be "happy" after all that. I told him "I get to have good days and bad days just like you do. I love you even on your bad days, I expect the same courtesy." Oddly enough, he stopped, cocked his head to one side and said "You have a point."  Your mileage may vary.

You sound pretty stressed. If you haven't read the lessons, those are very helpful. Make sure you take some time for yourself, too. And if it were me, I'd check and see if there is a bus that goes to her work.

[Riverrat]

I'll check on the bus--she's no fun in the mornings anyhow.

Yeah, I've got to set a boundary on these "punishments" I did ask if there were rewards for good behavior (no response).

Tonight she's just bouncing back and forth between civil and angry glances. What a riot.  Yes, I've been leaving her at home and going with friends, running errands, and even hanging at the local library if I need a break.

I liked your comments on the "shame" thread as well. I think those 3 steps sum up what goes on here. Thanks for all the help. I'm learning fast through lessons and reading the book. Plus my T is an enormous help.