Rough morning—need advice

[Luvtaytot]

I am new to this site. This morning was a perfect example of what happens with my 20 year old daughter. She is in therapy, on meds, has been diagnosed.

Situation: We have 5 drivers in our house. She is the oldest child. She has been asked a million times (ok, maybe an exaggeration, but it feels like it) NOT to park in the driveway so that my husband, who leaves for work at 6:15 am and puts his car in the garage can leave. I park on the other side of the driveway. Our other two children who drive have no problem at all with this rule. She just won't comply. No matter how nicely or not-nicely she has been asked.

I moved the car because he had to leave and she was getting dressed to leave at 6:40 am for work. She raged out at me that we are controlling. "Why should I have to park my f'ing car (btw she swears ALOT ALL THE TIME... .no matter how much I ask her not to swear) across the court. I should be able to use my own f'ing driveway. You guys are so controlling and your rules are f'ing stupid. I f'ing hate living here." I can't tell you how many times this fight has happened about parking in the driveway. She just will NOT RESPECT any boundary.

That was just the tip of her rage out this morning. I chose to not say anything because since I have learned a little about SET communication, I did not know what to say, so I closed her door and locked myself in my bedroom. She proceeded to stand outside my door screaming and swearing at me. She had to go to work, so that did not last long.

I know this sounds petty—but just small things we ask are never honored by her. It is NEVER ENDING situations like this for me. I can usually hold my temper, I turn around, sometimes I engage, but right now, in my life, with having to deal with her drama (and there has been some HUGE things—all HER OWN fault)... .I can't take it anymore. I love her, but when I see her or know she is coming home I get sick to my stomach and nervous. There is actually a part of my personality that loathes her... .I know she is sick... .I am trying to find help for myself with this website... .but I want her to go away right now and I know I will have to deal with it when I get home. She rages for days at a time. And it is always MY fault! 

Can anyone let me know how to handle something like this? I will try the SET when I see her tonight, it will be the first time for me trying this. Personally, I am beyond effected by her behavior at this point. I am depressed, I want her to leave (we did have her leave once when she was 18, with her therapists assistance, and she moved out for 2 years, but came back last summer and we thought it would be different, that she had grown up a little).

I come home and often just go to my bedroom after work and hole myself up there for the night. She has sucked the life out of me. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I am at the end of my rope. I can't handle her verbal abuse anymore. It is only by the Grace of God that I have handled it thus far. I am so upset at all the therapists and doctors who we have paid all these years to do nothing... .this website, that I found myself, has been the only helpful thing. I live in the Chicago metro area and you think that ONE therapist would have told us about SET! 

Anyway, I am just complaining by now. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi lovtaytot,

Sorry that you have had another rough morning. 

The bigger issue here seems to be that your daughter doesn't respect you or your wishes.  This is the norm for our children who suffer with BPD.  Their emotional dysregulation and defensive posture overtake their brain so common sense and acceptable responses are no where to be found.

Boundaries and limits need to be set and adhered to ... .by you and your husband.

For example:  setting a boundary regarding verbal abuse which could include yelling, cursing, refusing to drop an argument, etc... .needs to be set.  It may look something like this:

From now on, when I am yelled and cursed at me I am going to take a time out to calm down and think about how to thoughtfully respond  in a respectful way.  I will ask to table the conversation and walk away.

Notice the absence of the word "you" because honestly... .this is a boundary that would apply to anyone yelling and screaming in your direction.  The same boundaries are generally set with everyone in our lives because they are based on our values. 

Then you must actually do it... .everytime.  If she follows you and screams through the door do not respond... .ever. For your own well being you might want to run water to drown out her words, put on headphones and listen to relaxing music, or in the most extreme situations you may want to leave the home and go for a drive until you are calm.

Notice that your boundary and actions are all about you and what you will do... .they are not dependent upon her to respect... .only you to defend.

I don't know if there was an opportunity present before this escalated for some validation to take place or not... .let's say there was (before she went from 0 to 90) it may have gone something like this:  "I understand that it is an inconvenience for you to have to park across the street and that might make you feel like your needs are not important to us." 

Her response would be something like "You couldn't care less about my needs or what is important to me, if you did you would let me park where I want to". You can validate that by replying: "I'm sure it is hard for you to feel like we don't care".  Her response: "whatever!"  and she would most likely walk away.  She will give this thought no doubt.  The key here is that she is feeling heard and understood.  Validation is not about solving problems, it is about letting her know she was heard and understood.  Later when she comes home using SET may be appropriate... .or asking validating questions for her to become part of the problem solving process.

It is up to you and your husband to decide who parks where... .during the problem solving process look at all options... .what is important to you?  What criteria do you use to solve the parking problem?  Is it who pays the mortgage?  Is it who leaves first in the morning for work? Is it by age?  Is parking in the driveway a privilege that can be earned?  Is the parking space a valuable token to use as a reward?  Is violating the rules around parking the real problem or is the lack of respect?  What kind of consequences are you willing to put out there for the violation each time?  Will the consequences become more severe after each violation?  What would be a natural consequence of violating the parking rules?

There are many options here luvtaytot.  Think through the options carefully and discuss them with your husband before you decide on the next step regarding the parking rules... .

[Eggdad]

When our dd was 20 yo and her behaviour made our home a toxic environment for all of us, including herself, my wife and I decided that the best investment for all of us was to pay for an apartment for dd, 20 minutes away from our house and close to her college. We also pay for her monthly public transit pass so she doesn't need a car. Dd happily went along with this.

In the first year i found it extremely difficult to not rescue dd from difficulties generally caused by her own bad decisions. She has lost friends, quit jobs, failed classes and whole sessions, was brought to ER twice by ambulance and police while in extreme emotional dysregulation, etc... .I'm sure you see the picture.

Today she's 22 and much much better. I am convinced she would not have progressed like this if she had stayed in our house because of:

  - incessant conflicts between her and my wife, her mom ;

  - I could not have stopped rescuing (enabling) dd while witnessing her daily struggles;

We all needed that distance, and also time to learn some skills. DBT skills for dd, validations skills for us.

What were the circumstances of your dd moving back in with you? Maybe your dd and you learning new skills can make a new attempt at her moving out work better?

[livednlearned]

Hi Luvtaytot,

I can understand why you might feel this is a petty issue, but I'm learning that any boundary, no matter what shape or form it takes, is a big deal. Sometimes I wonder if that's what we're learning in family life -- how to set and enforce safe and healthy boundaries so we can peacefully coexist and learn how to recreate this peace in our other relationships, whether it's coworkers, friends, or other family members.

I'm glad you posted this here because it helps me too. One thing I'm learning is that it's hard to roll out a new skill in the heat of the moment. With my son, I've had to learn to have conversations about boundaries when things are calm and he is open to discussing them. Sometimes, we even work out the logic ahead of time so he is at least part of the solution. This is hard work! Especially the part where you have to be consistent. And changing a boundary, phew! That first test can be a doozy. Friends here taught me to anticipate that there will be an "extinction burst" and knowing that the new boundary is going to get a real work out has helped me prepare and deepen my resolve to adhere to the boundary.

And like lbjnltx said, I had to learn that validation is about being heard, not about solving problems. But even though it doesn't necessarily fix things, it does seem to prevent them from getting worse than they would otherwise, and that helps to keep things manageable.

I also want to point out that your DD did care about getting to her job on time.  It can be hard to recognize the positives when there is so much burdening our shoulders.



LnL

[marie1057]

Omg how I can relate. My BPD son age 23 moved back home and is basically sucking the life out of me too. I get migraines and nausea from his verbal abuse. I needed a break desperately so I left and went to stay with my mother. It's only been a week but my son and husband are living it up without me. It hurts but I haven't had a migraine all this week. So I really don't have any advice I just wanted you to know I truly understand.

[madmom]

I too can relate, when my daughter lived here, it was a disaster.  We made boundaries (even worked with the family therapist to do this) and they repeatedly were broken, or done poorly.  We were all miserable and even the little things just about drove us nuts. 

At 22 and against our wishes she moved out, and it was the best thing that could have happened to all of us!  Our relationship was better and we then were able to work on some big things, and didn't have the distraction of the little stuff. 

Things haven't been perfect, and she and her dad and I have made plenty of mistakes.  Her dad and I have had to do some really hard things, like not giving her money for her rent when she had blown all of hers giving it away to some crappy friends.  It was hard to do and we worked hard to explain it to her, while validating her feelings and not getting into an argument.  These kinds of things only happened a couple of times, and then she got the idea that she was going to be responsible for herself if she wasn't living here.

The option of moving back is always open to her, but truly neither one of us wants that, so she has made some good decisions to make herself successful on her own.  Sometimes we still have to help her financially which we are willing to do, if she follows the rules and makes good decisions.  Currently she is 26 and comes every Monday (which is her payday) and pays bills with us.  We worked together on a budget and she has been open to doing this with us.  This was the bargain we made when we got a loan for her so she could get a new used car.  Her old one was literally falling apart. 

Only one week did she not follow the rules and so the consequence we had prearranged with her was that she would lose her car for one week.  That is exactly what happened, and no amount of tears and shouting changed our mind.  We remained calm and followed the plan we had made. We helped by taking her to and from work when she couldn't find a ride, but that was all.  It was the one and only time that happened. 

Currently she is doing really well most of the time.  She is feeling pride because she has money in the bank and is seeing that she can be successful. She isn't able to give away or foolishly spend her hard earned money , which has been a repeated problem for her (That was the purpose of doing the bills with us, was to model a way to make it work well for her)  We have a much more normal, pleasant and healthy relationship.  I feel like I am getting my girl back.

I hope this gives you some hope that things can get better.  The biggest thing that helped was the lessons we learned on validation, SET, and boundaries here at this site.  When my husband and I worked together on these, communicated with each other and made decisions about our daughter together, it really made a difference.  Good luck, you are not alone.  I do understand your pain and frustration!