Venting - Some times I feel it's cathartic and other times I feel like I'm just writing so I can keep it fresh in my mind.

[Rockylove]

Whew!  I needed that!

I've been dealing with u/dBPD for 3 years and compiled with his stroke (Oct 25th) I'm about ready to video my head exploding so I can make a buck off of it!  Good grief!

Some of the things he says really just make me want to slap the snot out of him!  (I'm venting if you hadn't noticed)

He wouldn't let the dogs out so they peed on the kitchen floor~~twice!  I'd just finished steam mopping and they do this!  UGH!  Then he said that I b___ed because they were under my feet while I was cooking and so they disturbed him while he was doing his exercises (lying in bed watching netflix)

I think I should just keep my mouth shut.  So tired of doing it all and getting crap for trying to keep myself sane.  I'm sitting here just shaking my head.

If anyone has words of wisdom or just someone to tell me that I'm not losing my mind... .please let me know.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[tjay933]

hi

sorry you are in this situation. venting always helps. 

sometimes, we just need to get out of the house to breath. is it sunny where you are? sometimes just taking a few minutes to breath helps no matter how much has to be done and how little time you have to do it in.

And: you are not losing your marbles!

Keep writing-it is therapeutic.

[Rockylove]

Keep writing-it is therapeutic.

I'm on the fence about this, tjay.  Some times I feel it's cathartic and other times I feel like I'm just writing so I can keep it fresh in my mind.  I really do need to let go of some stuff.  It's not worth losing my sanity re-reading the garbage

[tjay933]

I understand to some extent. I find that when I write it down it seems to disappear from my memory (so as long as I'm not re-reading my old posts) and I am in a way letting it go. Guess we all work in different ways. maybe it's just venting that feels good? it feels to me that the more I post the less I feel badly or remember about the bad days. works for me at least. 

[Jessica84]

Sorry. You must be so overwhelmed.    Venting helps. Writing helps - even if you don't post it or show anyone. For me, it doesn't keep it in my head, it actually helps me let it go. It's out of me, and onto the page. Sometimes I write letters to my bf. I never send them, but I feel like I've said what I needed to say in a safe space. Or I write a problem on the bottom of my shoe and take a walk until the ink fades. Do whatever you gotta do to get it out. 

[Rockylove]

Or I write a problem on the bottom of my shoe and take a walk until the ink fades. Do whatever you gotta do to get it out. 

wonderful idea!  I love it!  Thank you so much.  I used to write things then burn them, but for some reason I've hung on to all the craziness.  My husband said that he doesn't keep any of the "bad" messages, texts, etc.  I don't like the fact that I do.  I want to keep it all because I want to know that I'm not crazy... .or something like that.  Perhaps I should explore why I keep it all.

[Jessica84]

Or I write a problem on the bottom of my shoe and take a walk until the ink fades. Do whatever you gotta do to get it out. 

wonderful idea!  I love it!  Thank you so much.  I used to write things then burn them, but for some reason I've hung on to all the craziness.  My husband said that he doesn't keep any of the "bad" messages, texts, etc.  I don't like the fact that I do.  I want to keep it all because I want to know that I'm not crazy... .or something like that.  Perhaps I should explore why I keep it all.

I used to do the same thing. Problem is, I would re-read his mean words over and over... looking for logic... .wondering what I could have done to deserve such cruelty. Ultimately, blaming myself and believing he was right to treat me that way. It was insanity.

Then I realized he may have written the awful emails or texts, but I was the one choosing to go back and read them again. The words stabbed me... .and I found myself stabbing him with them against him every chance I got - randomly bringing up one of his past rants even when he was calm, until bringing him to the point of dysregulation. Insanity! Kind of the opposite of what they tell us to do around here.    I didn't know any better though...

Somehow deleting whole threads of texts/emails from him made his words fade away from my mind... .eventually. Easier to forgive when you allow yourself to forget.

[Cat Familiar]

... .I've hung on to all the craziness.  My husband said that he doesn't keep any of the "bad" messages, texts, etc.  I don't like the fact that I do.  I want to keep it all because I want to know that I'm not crazy... .or something like that.  Perhaps I should explore why I keep it all.

I hear you.   I've been going through stuff recently and I just found a tape recording I made of one of my husband's dysregulations. It was before I knew anything about the lessons and lessening my role in his craziness. So I listened to it today and I think I'll take it to my therapy session in a couple of weeks. There's so much that I was doing which incited his acting out--I know better now, but it would be interesting to dissect it with a psychologist and see how I could respond better because it's not a question if he will dysregulate again, it's when.

[Rockylove]

... .it would be interesting to dissect it with a psychologist and see how I could respond better because it's not a question if he will dysregulate again, it's when.

I have this obsession with wanting to know why... .about everything.  Not just the craziness... .I had difficulties when I'd do research for a paper in college because I'd find one little detail that didn't make sense and I'd go on an all night quest to find answers.  So... .my fault, I know that there isn't always a reason why.  I know that there are times that just are and I have to accept that... .but all those questions I have come flooding out when he goes off... .and then I go off!  I'd been doing really well dealing with all of the BPD issues until he had the stroke.  I know I'm run down and need to ask for help, but it's only friends (who I introduced him to) and my family and I feel guilty.

[NGU]

I have the same obsession with wanting answers to everything. I felt of it more as a healthy curiosity until I was trying to figure out illogical and hurtful comments from a significant other.

I agree with writing everything down. I've always done it. For me, it's more than a purge; it also helps put an order to my thoughts. That works for some reason. I save all my writing, but never revisit the sad stuff. Ever.

[waverider]

Write it down

Then edit it to half the size, this will help you make sense of what is important and what is just bandwagon frustrations.

Then burn it.

Go somewhere and do something for yourself as a reward for moving on.

This way you will vent, then learn something, then not dwell on it, and finally validating yourself as being valuable.

Don't try to make sense out of non sense. Cant be done

[NGU]

Write it down /// Then burn it.

I have this habit of saving everything I write. Then I run into a poorly worded file while archiving and don't realize it's "bad" until I start reading the words. I started putting ":)elete" in file names. 

[Cole]

Write it down

Then edit it to half the size, this will help you make sense of what is important and what is just bandwagon frustrations.

Then burn it.

Go somewhere and do something for yourself as a reward for moving on.

This way you will vent, then learn something, then not dwell on it, and finally validating yourself as being valuable.

Don't try to make sense out of non sense. Cant be done

Good advise. I do this sometimes and it helps to vent instead of keeping it bottled up. And I wrap my head with duct tape so it won't explode.

[OffRoad]

Write it down

Then edit it to half the size, this will help you make sense of what is important and what is just bandwagon frustrations.

Then burn it.

Go somewhere and do something for yourself as a reward for moving on.

This way you will vent, then learn something, then not dwell on it, and finally validating yourself as being valuable.

Don't try to make sense out of non sense. Cant be done

Good advise. I do this sometimes and it helps to vent instead of keeping it bottled up. And I wrap my head with duct tape so it won't explode.

Ah, it's the duct tape that keeps the head from exploding... .I'll remember that.

[tjay933]

duct tape? that explains the guy i saw walking down the road. was that you? 

[Skip]

I think a lot has to do with where it goes.

If you looking for members to empathize and center you - its a good move.

If your looking for validation and righteousness - you hardening the fight.

If your looking for pity - you emerging yourself in victimization.

Members don't always know to where to take a vent and it can go bad.  It helps for everyone to be mindful of this - both the OP in how he requests help and the members, in how the react to vents.

[AlwaysFrustrated]

Best to vent it out here. It's the only way to make you feel normal.  I pay the therapist to have my own sessions basically just so someone can tell me I am not crazy. Also the only thing you can do is attempt to determine some of the triggers.  Don't try to decipher what they are actually saying. I did that for a decade which just made me more frustrated.  And it just led to more hellish arguments and an even greater divide.

[Rockylove]

If you looking for members to empathize and center you - its a good move.

If your looking for validation and righteousness - you hardening the fight.

If your looking for pity - you emerging yourself in victimization.

I guess I don't always know for sure, Skip.  I really DO need to let out my frustration over things that bother me because I can't bring them up and have a discussion with him.  It is almost never productive.  I also need to make sure that I'm not having a pity party... .which is pretty much what I've been doing lately (since his stroke).  I appreciate the suggestions people have given me on eliminating the nasties by writing, burning, etc.  I've not been the pillar of strength through this. 

[waverider]

Just a tip for anyone when they have a vent. Try to add at the end of it what can i do to make tomorrow better than today. Try not to reinforce victim mode.

Asking yourself "what could I have done different?" is helpful but you need to be careful it doesn't get you stuck in the guilt, and self blaming mode.

Likewise when empathizing with someones vent, try adding a bit more than a simple me too.

If we make a point of adding an uplifting/positive note to the end of things it eventually becomes second nature helping to reduce the nasty after taste of bad times. (Easy to say i know, but well worth the effort).

[Rockylove]

Just a tip for anyone when they have a vent. Try to add at the end of it what can i do to make tomorrow better than today. Try not to reinforce victim mode.

If we make a point of adding an uplifting/positive note to the end of things it eventually becomes second nature helping to reduce the nasty after taste of bad times. (Easy to say i know, but well worth the effort).

Thanks, waverider... .always words of wisdom.  All in all, today was a good day.  There were little things that could have become big things, but I'm letting it go.  Tomorrow I plan to go outside and do some yard clean up.  It always lifts my spirits to get out and rummage through the piles of "stuff" left in our woods by previous owners.