Telling her she has BPD?

[bluejeans]

From what I have read it seems partners shouldn't tell our SO they have BPD. But if they don't know how can they even try to get better?  As I have mentioned before, neither therapist or Dr. has told her. I don't see how I can stay if she doesn't do the work. I am doing my part and it may get better, but I don't see it getting better enough to want to stay long-term (it's been 8 plus years).  Please let me know if you told them and how it turned out. Did you do it at a therapy session?

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[Notwendy]

Having grown up with a mother with BPD, untreated, and severe ( not much known then) I am pleasantly surprised that there are people with BPD who are in treatment and are aware that they have it.

One reason that people don't generally tell them, is that it doesn't work well, and also, I don't know if it is safe. PwBPD have such a poor sense of self that sometimes even insinuating that there is something wrong with them will send them into a rage or a self loathing spiral. I am not familiar with how therapists treat BPD, but I think they focus on the symptoms. I was suprised when my our marriage T focused on me being co-dependent, yet said nothing to my H. However, recently when my H said a "never" statement, she pointed out that this was "black and white" thinking. I nearly fell out of my chair as she has not said something like this before.

I used to approach my H about his hurtful behavior and it either bounced right off him back at me- in the form of rages, insults and accusations and/or sent him in a depressive funk. It didn't do anything to make him aware of the effects of his behavior. I used to think that maybe somehow, someone could make him see what was going on, but  I don't think that is possible. I think pw BPD are in a lot of pain,and don't want to be doing what they are doing, but if they had an idea of the effects of their behavior, they would not be doing it.

There are two processes at play that block this kind of communication: Denial and projection. I think some dysregulate to the point where they dissasociate from the situation altogether and it vanishes from their consciousness. I have watched this happen with my mother. She literally transforms before my eyes into almost a different person, will rage and then later, not have the memory of the discussion.

I've learned that words just don't work, but actions do. I let a lot of things slide now, as it doesn't seem to work anyway if I say anything. Actions mean- leaving the room if I am raged at, taking care of myself, making decisions about my own life- where to go, what to do. I invite him, but do not argue over if he wants to go or not. If there is anything emotional that we need to discuss, I save it for T sessions as he is less likely to dissasociate with her. She can keep him focus. Perhaps one day she will discuss other issues with him. I hope so. However, I know that if I say anything to him, it won't have the effect I hope it would.

[maxsterling]

Some things to consider:

1)  One can receive treatment and improve without ever being told of a BPD diagnosis.

2)  Just because a pwBPD is diagnosed and seeks treatment does not mean he/she will get better. 

If you want to make your partner's improvement as a criteria for staying, focus on the things that improve and not on the why.  Try and focus on the behavior and not on the disorder.

A personal example - my wife is 39.  She's had the BPD diagnosis since she was a teenager.  She's been through DBT, 9 hospitals, all kinds of meds, treatments, etc.  As I look over the criteria for BPD, she still EASILY meets all 9.  Easily.  Has she improved?  Sure.  She's not done heroin in 12 years.  She no longer cuts.  She hasn't attempted suicide in 10 years.  She's definitely more self-aware.  On the down side, she still has plenty of risky behaviors.  Still talks about suicide.  Still rages.  Still can't hold a job.  Still can't manage her own life.  If she goes back through DBT, some of those may improve.  But if I expect a complete change, there's no reason to continue with this relationship.

[bluejeans]

Thanks for your input. It helps. She does know something is wrong with her and has no problem reaching out for help.  That's why I think telling her might be a good thing. I recognize the risk but may do it anyway.

I must say this board is great! It's nice to have a place to say these things. I do share with friends but don't always want to just complain.