Up and Down and Trying to Maintain

[nowwhatz]

Today has so far been a good example of what life has been like for me since I stopped seeing her 2 weeks ago.

Haven't always slept well but had a good night's sleep last night. Went to bed kind of early watching my favorite tv show The Wire on my ipad... .that show is like an old friend to me and for some reason, relaxing.

Greeted this morning by my beautiful siamese kitten like everyday when I wake up. I got to keep 2 beautiful kittens when the exgf moved out in Nov. One is like a little angel... .always had dogs but these kittens have been a lifesaver in many ways.   I thought about how I got the better of the deal.  Was really happy untl about 10 am then things turned.

Don't know why but the thoughts started coming in... .things she said and did... .thought about telling her off somehow.  Maybe will happen one day. Don't want to feel like a victim.

The anger slowed me down and have not accomplished my goals today.

Been about 2 1/2 hours and the anger is turning to sadness. Don't know why but this is normal I suppose.

Wouldn't call this a setback... .just something I have to go through to get to a better place.

It is not always this way but 4 years of r/s dysfuntional as it was... .not easy to just shake off.

Not getting any calls or texts which I know is a good thing, but also makes me feel more devalued and ... .a word I hate to say... .used.

Still haven't talked to anybody outside of this board about this. Nobody knows what is happening. Wish I could erase all the memories and forget anything ever happened.

Hope the rest of the day will change into something better.

[Warney]

Sorry to hear your pain. Try thinking about a good hobby ,go play golf or go do a martial art.

Thinking is all part of the process and yes i do my fair share of this and then fell like taking my anger out on her via government agencies.

But the feeling passes and then the day is good.

Keep positive and keep thinking about you.

Keep the study going and learning. 

[nowwhatz]

Sorry to hear your pain. Try thinking about a good hobby ,go play golf or go do a martial art.

Thinking is all part of the process and yes i do my fair share of this and then fell like taking my anger out on her via government agencies.

But the feeling passes and then the day is good.

Keep positive and keep thinking about you.

Keep the study going and learning. 

Thanks Warney. Sorry to hear you are going through some of the same. I tool feel like taking out my anger on her and could easily make her life even worse without any repurcussions to me, other than delaying my own healing, but then the feeling passes.

It seems like I have lost all compassion for her and am myself stuck.

I want to be happy... .but I can sense many things replaying themselves like in the past. This time it has to be different. I have to make it different.

Was doing pretty good up until this weekend. Not sure what triggered all of this. I have hobbies but have not been as motivated recently.

Will see what happens tomorrow. Maybe the plans I had for today can be carried out tomorrow.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Hi Nowwhatz,

Are you feeling any better today?

I've felt like and experienced exactly what you have here... .

":)on't know why but the thoughts started coming in... .things she said and did... .thought about telling her off somehow.  Maybe will happen one day. Don't want to feel like a victim.

The anger slowed me down and have not accomplished my goals today.

Been about 2 1/2 hours and the anger is turning to sadness. Don't know why but this is normal I suppose.

Wouldn't call this a setback... .just something I have to go through to get to a better place.

It is not always this way but 4 years of r/s dysfuntional as it was... .not easy to just shake off.

Not getting any calls or texts which I know is a good thing, but also makes me feel more devalued and ... .a word I hate to say... .used.

Still haven't talked to anybody outside of this board about this. Nobody knows what is happening. Wish I could erase all the memories and forget anything ever happened."

... .I have moments when I'm really angry and want to tell him off, moments when I'm sad and it's so deadeningly quiet without all his texts and emails and calls.

And then there are moments I've been fortunate to experience lately where I feel since I have been able to still resist breaking NC, I feel like I'm taking my power back that I gave to him!

You're not alone. Keep your chin up and we are here to help support you when you need it!

- Sunshine