Silent treatment hurts worse than a punch.

[Moving on strong]

We have been off and on for eight years. When this man is good he is so good but when he pushes me away like this it hurts so much. I have been crying for three weeks. I feel so stupid and so alone. He just stopped talking to me after a small argument. The only thing he told me was to come get my stuff off his porch. I love him with my whole heart. He told his friend he loves me but this has to end. I hate hurting like this. How could he just do this to me.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello Moving on strong,

  I am sorry that you are in so much pain, this kind of treatment really makes a person hurt.  My dBPDex quit speaking to me for two weeks before blowing up at me and ending the r/s, and we lived together.  She would at most give me a two word answer and leave the room, refuse eye contact and typically would put headphones on the second I entered the room.  The entire time she would be texting up a storm on her phone.  Silent treatment is a form of abuse.  Purposefully ignoring someone in this way is a horrible thing, especially horrible when this occurs from someone that is supposed to be on your side, the one that is supposed to be your number one ally in life.

How can they do this to you?  Their insides are full of trauma and scar tissue, they are furious about something they may or may not even understand and your little argument gave them a lighting rod to strike.  The sad thing is pwBPD are incapable of being in a healthy r/s for things exactly like this.  They hurt innocent people, typically those closest to them in their frantic fight or flight coping mechanisms.  Love and loyalty are something every human should have but these things will not heal a pwBPD's deep wounds.  They need persistent therapy and the personal drive to do it.

The final silent treatment and the last rage where my dBPDex tore down every last bit of confidence I had left after the years of passive abuse hurt me more than anything else in my life.  Take care, and please share your problems here as you feel comfortable.  Just talking these things out can help let out some of the hurt.   

[Moving on strong]

Thanks for your insight. I was the closest person to him and the only person he doesn't talk to. I text, email,call and get nothing. It's like I don't exist to him. Whatever is going on inside of him is not because of me. I was a great girlfriend to him. Everyone including his friends say it and yell at him for doing this to me. I wish I could shut myself off like that. I'm the one crying while he goes on like nothing occurred. Like I never mattered. I wish he would of raged at me. I can handle that. At least I can defend myself. This is so bad and hurtful. I would never do this to anyone. I tell my kids that too. I told them don't ever give anyone the silent treatment and if it's ever given to you leave.

[sun seeker]

 Hey moving

  Sorry you are hurting. Ive been right where you are. I had to change how I LET silent treatment effect ME. It went from driving me nutz to being a blessing. What you mean I dont have to hear your crap. Woohoo!   

On and off for 8 years.  Mine was two years on and off. This is completely unacceptable and unhealthy behavior . And you know this.  Is this what you truly want your life to be like. He will not ever be "healthy"  You deserve better than.this. you are the most important person in your life. Dont beat yourself up he is not worthy of such a loyal caring person. The good news is you are worth all this and more.

    (I say this cause hes is not capable of treating any one oppropriatly) Hang in there 

[downwhim]

I honestly feel that the pain of the silent treatment is the worst form of abuse. I hear and know how you feel. It has been almost 5 months. He totally devastated me with his cold, inhumane treatment.

I too thought he was my best friend, lover and confidant. He folded his arms and refused any verbal communication. He had asked me to move in with him. We were engaged. One day later he sent me an email ending it all. Done with me after 8 years and an engagement. How do they do that? Well, they are wired differently and the area in their brain where empathy is suppose to form is vacant. I am not sure when I will get over this.

Summer is coming and I feel the pain of going it alone and I hate it. I truly thought this was our LAST recycle. He has no clue how he hurt me and he really doesn't care. That is what stings. I cannot image treating someone this way.

Be strong, keep busy and remember we are all here for one another.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Thanks for your insight. I was the closest person to him and the only person he doesn't talk to. I text, email,call and get nothing. It's like I don't exist to him. Whatever is going on inside of him is not because of me. I was a great girlfriend to him. Everyone including his friends say it and yell at him for doing this to me. I wish I could shut myself off like that. I'm the one crying while he goes on like nothing occurred. Like I never mattered. I wish he would of raged at me. I can handle that. At least I can defend myself. This is so bad and hurtful. I would never do this to anyone. I tell my kids that too. I told them don't ever give anyone the silent treatment and if it's ever given to you leave.

Shutting down like that wouldn't hurt, sure.  That we don't shut off like that, that we do cry when hurt are why we make good partners.  These things mean we are compassionate, that we have strong and sensitive hearts.  A BPD can go on like nothing happened because dissociation is a technique they learned as children to cope with overwhelming trauma.  They never process their troubles, it just builds up inside for a lifetime until something like this happens.  One tiny disagreement opens up a pin hole to all that steam pressure that is locked inside.

[Moving on strong]

Thank You. I just wish I could stop crying and forget all about him. I know what you mean about the summer coming up and going at it alone. It's going to stink but maybe by then I won't be crying anymore. I wish I could be happy with this silent treatment but it kills me inside. Logically I know I should say you don't want to talk to me then get lost but my heart takes over and I think how much I love him and I would never do this to him so why would he do this to me. I will always wonder what I did so bad to make him never want to speak to me again.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Thank You. I just wish I could stop crying and forget all about him. I know what you mean about the summer coming up and going at it alone. It's going to stink but maybe by then I won't be crying anymore. I wish I could be happy with this silent treatment but it kills me inside. Logically I know I should say you don't want to talk to me then get lost but my heart takes over and I think how much I love him and I would never do this to him so why would he do this to me. I will always wonder what I did so bad to make him never want to speak to me again.

Wow. You just said everything I've been thinking today. 7 months ago today on my birthday my uBPDexgf sent me a typed note in a birthday card telling me she was dating men after 9.5 yrs together. We were a lesbian couple. I think about picking up the phone and asking her what the hell did I do to deserve being treated this way. I b___ed her out the day I got the card, and did finally apologize, but aside from her hang up phone calls a few times a month, not a word. We talked several times a day for 10 yrs. Now I just think I should have treated her like crap, at least then this treatment would be justified. I hope if she has a conscience it's eating her alive.

[downwhim]

Guess what? Like me you did not do anything to deserve such treatment. Normal people talk things out when it gets hard. Normal people meet in the middle, compromise. Mine just wanted to be in control. He promised we would get a home together. He then decided "all my things fit in my house, I am not moving." That meant when my son came home from college he had no place to go. When my middle son came back from his summer job and was leaving in 2 weeks for another one in New Zealand, he would have no where to go. It meant that it was his kitchen, his home, his way, no part of me.

Borderlines destroy relationships. They get close and move away. There is no room for growth. My ex said, "I haven't really dated anyone but you in 8 years, I need to date." We were engaged. Why the heck did he ask me to marry him then if he wanted to continue dating others? It was his way out. You see, they don't make sense and we try so hard to figure them out.

What he did to you was not right. It never will be. Please don't beat yourself up. Their brains are tangled messes. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It will get easier with time but it is a process necessary to go through to get to the other side.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Guess what? Like me you did not do anything to deserve such treatment. Normal people talk things out when it gets hard. Normal people meet in the middle, compromise. Mine just wanted to be in control. He promised we would get a home together. He then decided "all my things fit in my house, I am not moving." That meant when my son came home from college he had no place to go. When my middle son came back from his summer job and was leaving in 2 weeks for another one in New Zealand, he would have no where to go. It meant that it was his kitchen, his home, his way, no part of me.

Borderlines destroy relationships. They get close and move away. There is no room for growth. My ex said, "I haven't really dated anyone but you in 8 years, I need to date." We were engaged. Why the heck did he ask me to marry him then if he wanted to continue dating others? It was his way out. You see, they don't make sense and we try so hard to figure them out.

What he did to you was not right. It never will be. Please don't beat yourself up. Their brains are tangled messes. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. It will get easier with time but it is a process necessary to go through to get to the other side.

I can't believe he made a comment like I haven't really dated anyone but you in 8 yrs! Did you say well neither have I! I can't imagine how those words even came out of his mouth. Did he think he deserved a medal? The sad thing is I can imagine my ex saying the same thing as if that somehow shows they have an ounce of integrity. I guess they just surprise themselves at times too.

[JRT]

I can relate to all of you. After a 2 year relatively trouble free and happy r/s, we become engaged. She moved in and three weeks later, moved out while I was out of town. I have not heard anything from her and she has blocked all forms of communication with her. Its been 6 months and I have not heard 'boo' from her. The cut off and silent treatment are profoundly painful and abusive. I think that one of the things that has challenged me the most is knowing that this it comes from an individual that I loved SO much that I would have had no problem standing in front of a speeding truck for just moments before her disappearing act. 

[ghoststory]

I am sorry the best thing is now to have a good cry and contemplate the future this will never get better on a consistent basis this will always repeat going nc is a very rough path but little by little your sanity feels so much better ... .maybe give a whirl?

[Moving on strong]

I'm not happy anyone is going through this but at least I know I'm not alone. None of my friends understand. They just tell me to move on. It's so hard though. It hurts and the only advice I get from them is to move on and they say he will come back like in the past and they say don't take him back but you will. 

[ShadowIntheNight]

I'm not happy anyone is going through this but at least I know I'm not alone. None of my friends understand. They just tell me to move on. It's so hard though. It hurts and the only advice I get from them is to move on and they say he will come back like in the past and they say don't take him back but you will. 

I don't know if she'll come back or not at this point. It's been seven months since the break and as for contact it's been as close to zero as you can get aside from her monthly hang ups. I know no one I know understands what I am going thru. Hell, I don't even understand it. I remember a long time ago (years) thinking that if she left I'd grieve one week and be done. Last night, I was laying awake cursing her from here to kingdom come. No one, and I mean no one has ever had this kind of emotional lock on me, nor treated me so poorly. It has altered my personality, I fear irrevocably.

[downwhim]

Shadow,

Thanks for your understanding and sympathy. Yeh, needed to date after engagement! Can you believe how cruel that is. Like asking someone to marry you and getting on your knee and looking like your taking it seriously meant nothing? So sick at 4 3/4 months out I still can't wrap my head around it. Cruel is the only word I can think of.

I have lost motivation, drive, I am not the true me and I know this depression is not good. I had seeing RV's as he bought one, I think wow, he has replacement in there traveling with all my stuff inside. All my dishes, pillows, he could care less.  He is still holding my sons video of his wedding hostage. He never picked up his belongings he needed so badly. I threw them out after 2 months.

I am going on vacation next month to Cabo where we have a timeshare together. After that, I will make a decision to move out of his backyard (only two miles from my house) and to get an attorney to divide or get rid of the timeshare. Thee thought of having to deal with my ex fiance turned abuser turned monster is stressing me out.

Anyway, thank you all for just being here!

[Moving on strong]

Yes thank you all for letting me know I'm not alone in all of this. I still wish he would call just to tell me what was so bad to make him never want to talk to me again.

[ghoststory]

they will never give you the closure nor admit any fault (unless they need supply) someone in this group said it best "they are predictable in their unpredictability "they do what it takes for control and supply it's never about you ,you are just an object ,an extension on how they feel, I hated to accept this to but it is true  ,,

[hurting300]

I completely know how you feel. It's been almost one year since my ex disappeared while I was at work taking our baby. Not one word from her. Just know this, it's not about you. It's about them and your the only person that can end it.

[JRT]

I completely know how you feel. It's been almost one year since my ex disappeared while I was at work taking our baby. Not one word from her. Just know this, it's not about you. It's about them and your the only person that can end it.

I remember your story... .did you ever hear anything back?

(tried to send this via PM but it failed for some reason)

[hurting300]

I completely know how you feel. It's been almost one year since my ex disappeared while I was at work taking our baby. Not one word from her. Just know this, it's not about you. It's about them and your the only person that can end it.

I remember your story... .did you ever hear anything back?

(tried to send this via PM but it failed for some reason)

Well no ... her family is turning against her. her sister is defending me on Facebook which shocked me. But no we still cannot locate her, the grandmother is being sued by us and she didn't show up for court so I got a judgment . My ex is sicker than we thought. One of family members on a sworn affidavit said she has no soul. So... .Yeah.

[JRT]

Wow... .thats a lot of drama... .sorry to hear that you are going through all of that!

(tried to respond to your private message and the system gave me an error again)

[hurting300]

Wow... .thats a lot of drama... .sorry to hear that you are going through all of that!

(tried to respond to your private message and the system gave me an error again)

it's ok man. I'll survive. She'll be caught. Can't run away forever.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Wow... .thats a lot of drama... .sorry to hear that you are going through all of that!

(tried to respond to your private message and the system gave me an error again)

it's ok man. I'll survive. She'll be caught. Can't run away forever.

That's true, didn't they catch that murderer Whitey Bugler after decades on the lam?

[ogopogodude]

Hey moving

  Sorry you are hurting. Ive been right where you are. I had to change how I LET silent treatment effect ME. It went from driving me nutz to being a blessing. What you mean I dont have to hear your crap. Woohoo!   

On and off for 8 years.  Mine was two years on and off. This is completely unacceptable and unhealthy behavior . And you know this.  Is this what you truly want your life to be like. He will not ever be "healthy"  You deserve better than.this. you are the most important person in your life. Dont beat yourself up he is not worthy of such a loyal caring person. The good news is you are worth all this and more.

    (I say this cause hes is not capable of treating any one oppropriatly) Hang in there 

Hey,... I hear ya'. Back before I left my spouse, I used to get the silent treatment followed by rages ... .then back to the silent treatment... .all of it is/was abuse, pure and simple.

Now, ... .I love silent treatment. It is truly a blessing now. It is a wonderful form of No Contact. Except it is initiated by my ex. However, now my ex knows l like silent treatment. I prefer it.   Today, I got 162 abusive texts from my ex. I do not even reply. It's pointless. I am going to start a new thread topic titled: how many nonsense texts (or emails) did YOU get today? Stay tuned.

[Moving on strong]

I wish I loved it but I hate it. I really don't think he will speak to me again. I reached out one last time with an email and no reply.  After eight years he could of just told me he hated me instead of treating me like this after an argument.

[JRT]

I wish I loved it but I hate it. I really don't think he will speak to me again. I reached out one last time with an email and no reply.  After eight years he could of just told me he hated me instead of treating me like this after an argument.

I can relate MOS... .I think that if my r/s was one of those where she had raged, that her silent treatment would have been more bearable. But we never had any fighting at all. One day almost 6 months ago, something told her to run away and I never spoke to her again. I never even got an explanation of any kind at all. Its abuse for certain... .

[nowwhatz]

I am supposed to be in NC and am getting the silent treatment... .which I hate only because I hate going through withdrawals from my drug of choice... .her!

Because I am pretty week when it comes to NC and have always preferred limited contact I had to do something to get her mad enough at me so she would give me the silent treatment - which I need to heal.

So a week or so again I sent her a text requesting money she owes me and included vergiage designed to piss her off "... .I know it is very easy for you to get money from somebody... .so do the right thing... .blah blah."     Insted of ignoring she sent back an irate text message.

Sure it would be nice to get the $ she owes me ( 1% chance of that happening unless I really want to escalate into drama I don't need) but no question I hit a raw nerve and have not heard from her since.

Silent treatment during the r/s would have been preferable to what I got from her.  Silent treatment now feels worse than a punch but it is a good thing in the long run.

[ghoststory]

nowwhat you have to kiss that money goodbye,, of course you are not hearing from her she has already justified why you are not going to be repaid,, it's a way to get your attention ... .they do not respond to have control over you ,, she knows it bothers you... .you can ask you won't get you can sue and she will secretly love that attention to ,,stay NC and move on my friend you deserve better

[ShadowIntheNight]

nowwhat you have to kiss that money goodbye,, of course you are not hearing from her she has already justified why you are not going to be repaid,, it's a way to get your attention ... .they do not respond to have control over you ,, she knows it bothers you... .you can ask you won't get you can sue and she will secretly love that attention to ,,stay NC and move on my friend you deserve better

My ex owes me big time bucks. Probably close to 100K, and I hadn't considered the possibility she never brought it up when she told me last summer she and her kids were going down "a different path" (9.5 yr lesbian relationship. Different path was back to men, in a typed note, no less. Ha!) My thought now is maybe she didn't bring it up as an excuse for me to go after her. And I can assure you I wouldn't mind humiliating her in court, but these last two posts have given me a different perspective on the matter. In the past she would always say I'll pay you back what I owe you. Not a word was mentioned this time and she knew I would be enraged about the money.

She mentioned only that I had been a good friend and to let her know if I wanted her to send me photos of her kids in their activities. How's that for a kick in the teeth after 9.5 years together? After I gave her an earful in voicemail because she was afraid to pick up the phone when I called, she has shown just what a stone cold heart looks like.

[ghoststory]

wow,,that is a lot of money ,,and don't think a rational person would blame you for trying to recover it ,,but if you decide to do that she will use it as a way to try to humiliate you and smear you to you and everyone else and will throw out any God awful accusations in an open court she wont care if there is no truth behind them ... .one of my BPD ex's lost a custody battle I of course believed her smears but when he came to pick up the Kids he was kind and polite I thought "no,,he can't possibly be the monster she portrays him as " turns out I was right ,