Silent treatment hurts worse than a punch.

[mackwester]

I'm not happy anyone is going through this but at least I know I'm not alone. None of my friends understand. They just tell me to move on. It's so hard though. It hurts and the only advice I get from them is to move on and they say he will come back like in the past and they say don't take him back but you will.

I understand my friend. Hope is what really hurts the most, its what most of us humans have in our hearts to get us through the bad times.

what makes this all so very very hard is you have been put in a no win situation by somone who you would have given the world too.

In a normal relationship you would at least know you both tried and maybe it didnt work out, with this situation it fels like you never even knew the person in the first place even though your heart is still living with them and you care so very much.

I wrote a story, not something I would ever do in a million years normally, it sort of came out of me and I wrote it in one sitting without stopping, its my way of trying to get in the heart and mind of a BPD person and my hope that they will one day understand the error of their ways, although I also know through what I have read this is very very unlikely

I do not know how to post the story up, if anyone can help you are welcome to read it, its a pdf format.

Whatever else, and whatever your personal hell feels like, make sure tonight before you go to sleep you tell yourself that you gave them a taste of what love, loyalty, caring, friendship, support, adoration and generaly being a good person felt like. You could have done no more, they are like fledglings in a nest watching everyone else fly away and learn to sing and build nests and they just stay there, too afraid they will drop tothe ground. You tried with all your heart to try and teach them to fly and tell them it was ok to fail and try again, you would be there. They canthear you, they cant trust, they canttrust themselves. Love yourself every day, forgive yourself for any frustrated words or actions you said or did, weare only human thats all we can ever be. You gave your best. Hope you find some peace very soon, that goes to every sad broken heart out there, to everyone who has been hurt in this unique, intense and life altering way.

[Moving on strong]

Thanks so much for that. I feel better today than I did. It's almost a month. He is just an inconsiderate jerk. I really did love him but I guess he didn't love me. I'm coming to accept that fact. He used me. I can't do anything else but if anyone i knows comes into contact with someone like him. I will help them. My heart is broje and it will repair. His wont. He doesn't feel he has a problem.

[JRT]

Thanks so much for that. I feel better today than I did. It's almost a month. He is just an inconsiderate jerk. I really did love him but I guess he didn't love me. I'm coming to accept that fact. He used me. I can't do anything else but if anyone i knows comes into contact with someone like him. I will help them. My heart is broje and it will repair. His wont. He doesn't feel he has a problem.

MoS... .I am going to quote something that someone posted on a thread that really helped me to frame things into perspective... .I hope that this helps:

"Wrap your head around this - you actually meant everything to her; so much so, that the fear of losing you shows itself in such maladaptive behavior as to leave you before you could leave her.  It is not logical; but if she didn't care about you - you likely would not be seeing this side to her.

This behavior you are seeing is not a personal attack on you - even though it feels this way.  Be patient and kind to yourself, it will all start to feel different as you become less hurt and more capable of absorbing the facts."

[Moving on strong]

Well if that is true which I have a very hard time comprehending that it's even worse than I thought. It means that two people who really love each other will never be together again because of a PD.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I have a totally different perspective on "silent treatment".  Sometimes, when I have been very upset with something, I go inwards... .this is my attempt at not lashing out at my children/husband.  This type of silence and preoccupation is not meant as punishment for my loved ones... .it is a means to allow me to get centered and to process the negative emotions that have for some reason been triggered in me.

To me it seems that what we commonly call "silent treatment" is a person trying to overcome his or her inner turmoil.

I will give a personal analogy to make my meaning clearer.  I had a fall from a bike and lay on the road with a concussion.  I was somewhat aware of my surroundings... .but was stunned enough not to want to get up yet.  My children and husband came running and seeing me lying on the ground still... .they prodded me up and helped me walk back to the house.  It did not feel right at all.  My brain and my mind was screaming for permission to continue to be still for a short time... my brain badly needed that physical stillness and inner mental focus within myself... .their help forced me to get up too quickly.

I think that the "silent treatment" is very much like a spirit gone into concussion from strong trauma.  Understand though that what is strongly traumatic to a BPD sufferer may not even seem important to a non-BPD individual.

So, in my opinion, when a person is silent and withdrawn... .let them be... .they are probably trying to pull together the threads of their psyche that have unraveled... .this is their time out.  Give yourself time out at this time too... .recoup yourself, listen to your favorite music, go for a walk... .continue to be your normal self.

This could be the BPD sufferer's self-soothing mechanism and the process of their self-soothing may be getting aborted by us non's well intentioned but misguided concern.

Comments and criticisms welcome... .

[JRT]

I had a hard time comprehending this as well and it made me sad... .I would have given anything to her and done anything to make her happy. She had lived her entire life looking for someone who loved her unconditionally and she found that in me. Imagine my reaction when she moved out of my house (after having moved in three weeks earlier) while I was away for work... .I received an angry text and then nothing. She blocked me and I have not spoke to her since.

It doesn't seem like the deeds of a person who is profoundly in love with the other. Add to that the hatred and smear campaign that she launched to justify this action.

The problem is that we are apply OUR logic against theirs where their feelings are facts and nothing else. Mental illness is like that and that is what BPD is all about.

This is not to say that you will never be together again... .there is always hope. But if you do reconcile in the future, you will need to be prepared to ask some hard questions and if you don't receive the proper responses, you will need to do what is right for you. That might end up being walking away or toughing it out. You will make that decision but in the interim, you need to love yourself and spoil you.

[JRT]

P

I think that your perspective is interesting... .it sounds like a healthy way of coping with a situation... .it IS the first time that I have heard it here and will add it to all that I have learned about BPD. It does, however, run counter to what I have come to understand about the silent treatment to this point. While my situation does not constitute a universal truth, my ex has given me the silent treatment now for 6 months and has built almost insurmountable walls to contact. This seems incredibly excessive within the context of overcoming their demons. Yet this scenario seems to be fairly common within the entire scheme of things. Take into consideration the distortion campaigns. lashing out in anger and the other associated machinations and tactics and it sure seems to support that it is punitive.

Perhaps there is some percentage that do think that but I have not read any accounts here that would corroborate. If you come across something, please post it as I and I am certain that others, would like to read.

I am posting a link that describes the Silent Treatment for MoS

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

 

[misty_red]

So, in my opinion, when a person is silent and withdrawn... .let them be... .they are probably trying to pull together the threads of their psyche that have unraveled... .this is their time out.  Give yourself time out at this time too... .recoup yourself, listen to your favorite music, go for a walk... .continue to be your normal self.

This could be the BPD sufferer's self-soothing mechanism and the process of their self-soothing may be getting aborted by us non's well intentioned but misguided concern.

I also think that that's what's really happening. From the outside it might look like they want to punish us etc. But I don't think they are really concsious about what they're doing. I guess it's them trying to cope with their turmoil. At least I think it's their primary goal and we should allow that. Even though we feel abused (and we are allowed to feel that way because it hurts) I don't think it is about us most of the time. The silent treatment as a way to punish us is more performed by sociopaths, psychopaths or narcissists and even there I wouldn't be too sure that they are always conscious about that. BPDs are not evil people, they are not the devil. They often just don't know what's happening around them and they are looking for a way out. Don't take it too personally.

[JRT]

So, in my opinion, when a person is silent and withdrawn... .let them be... .they are probably trying to pull together the threads of their psyche that have unraveled... .this is their time out.  Give yourself time out at this time too... .recoup yourself, listen to your favorite music, go for a walk... .continue to be your normal self.

This could be the BPD sufferer's self-soothing mechanism and the process of their self-soothing may be getting aborted by us non's well intentioned but misguided concern.

I also think that that's what's really happening. From the outside it might look like they want to punish us etc. But I don't think they are really concsious about what they're doing. I guess it's them trying to cope with their turmoil. At least I think it's their primary goal and we should allow that. Even though we feel abused (and we are allowed to feel that way because it hurts) I don't think it is about us most of the time. The silent treatment as a way to punish us is more performed by sociopaths, psychopaths or narcissists and even there I wouldn't be too sure that they are always conscious about that. BPDs are not evil people, they are not the devil. They often just don't know what's happening around them and they are looking for a way out. Don't take it too personally.

I don't see that when one couple it with smear campaigns, raging and associated anger that one can see it as anything BUT punitive.

[downwhim]

My exBPD fiancé showed his silent treatment by inviting me over then folding his arms, giving me a dirty look and saying nothing. When I asked him to please talk to me he yelled "NO!"

So, in my case why did he invite me over? Was I suppose to just watch him sit there like a 2 year old and pout? Should I have left and gone on a walk? What I did was just leave, then I got the email b/u.

It is hard to know what he was thinking, hard to know how to act or what to do... .

[JRT]

It almost seems like he had you come over for your drubbing!

[ghoststory]

I would have to agree with the silent treatment being fine for a no contact situation and when it's not a retaliation or spiteful action, I care for my pwBPD however you have to take care of yourself to protect yourself from attempts to make you feel responsible for their inner turmoil, it is unfair to you and is to much to expect from you intentional or not,  a BPD uses the silent treatment as a punishment and a means to control, NC is an effort to restore the good person you really are,

[JRT]

I am 100% convinced that mine uses it as a control/punishment tool. Her behaviors post b/u have been vicious to the extent that the her venom is something that I would NEVER had imagined coming from her. Her reactions and interactions have been cunning, cold and reminiscent of someone who feels that they are in danger of their life. Its amazing. Granted, its a mental disorder but even so, I would imagine that someone that is seeking a sort of contemplative solace to sort things out would have a radically different spectrum of reactions.

[ghoststory]

yeah a BPD does not use ration they live in the now and will act upon feelings and not logic ,they will resort to anything to get you out of sight out of mind by any means necessary ... .it hurts it hurts to accept that's a part of them ,,yeah it's a mental disorder but one we can not fix and if they don't have self awareness or the notion they need help we can not be asked to tolerate their behavior

[Moving on strong]

I just found out that he doesn't leave his house or really contact anyone. People are telling me he is very depressed. I can't do anything to help him. He has pushed me so far away. He won't answer me and won't let me in. I feel helpless but I can't do anything.