Painting Black- Instant or Gradual?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been doing a lot of reading on 'painting black', and there's something that I wanted to discuss about my relationship, and ask about.

Over the last 2-3 months of my 1.5 year relationship with my uBPDexgf, things went from bad to worse, at the time, I didn't know what BPD was, or what 'painting black' meant.

         But I knew something was seriously wrong.

I want to discuss as well as have addressed what my Exgf said and did, I'll just write it out in bullets.

• The little things add up, Reece. Your immaturity, clinginess, over-sexualizing me, making me feel belittled, disrespecting me, etc. I can not just let things go, even after you apologize. This always bothered me. I would apologize for my perceived behavior (sometimes I was all of these things, it's true) but she WOULDN'T ever just LET IT GO. Has anyone else experienced this in their relationships with their BPD partner? This idea that your mistakes are cumulative and they Won't Let Things Go. "I still love you, but I feel more detached." This made me feel HORRIBLE when she would text me this.



• I don't love you anymore, but I still care about you (GOD this made me HURT. when she texted me this.

• I'm concerned about you reece.

Here's the point guys. In my case, my uBPDexgf didn't pull a disappearing act. There was a "fulcrum" night "Basically I told her, I'm tired of kissing your ass, go home and don't come back" Then for the next 3 hours she devalued me as a human being over and over again over text message, worst night of my life. (January 9th, 2015, more info here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0)

Rather, My ex went through excruciatingly gradual phases of "painting me black" from

  "I love you"

   "I don't love you, but I care about you"

  "I'm concerned about you"

   "She just wants you to leave her the hell alone (said through a campus police officer) (she accused me of stalking/harassment)

And she ALWAYS had reasons. Mentioned above, always critical of my behavior, always "cumulative" Gaslighting?

• She got worse and worse as I started calling her out on her passive aggression, her manipulation, controlling, I called her actions "evil"

I think part of it DOES have to do with this notion of "they get worse when you start calling them out"

Questions for responders

1.Point being, is 'painting black' always an instant thing? Or like in my case, can it be excruciatingly gradual?

2. I've never been in a relationship with a normal girl. Is this a normal thing "the little things do add up" statement. Not letting things go, no matter how much someone apologizes.



3. Do you guys find that once you start calling them out for being manipulative, controlling, that it makes things much worse?



With Love,  



Reece

[Reecer1588]

I've been doing a lot of reading on 'painting black', and there's something that I wanted to discuss about my relationship, and ask about.

Over the last 2-3 months of my 1.5 year relationship with my uBPDexgf, things went from bad to worse, at the time, I didn't know what BPD was, or what 'painting black' meant.

         But I knew something was seriously wrong.

I want to discuss as well as have addressed what my Exgf said and did, I'll just write it out in bullets.

• The little things add up, Reece. Your immaturity, clinginess, over-sexualizing me, making me feel belittled, disrespecting me, etc. I can not just let things go, even after you apologize. This always bothered me. I would apologize for my perceived behavior (sometimes I was all of these things, it's true) but she WOULDN'T ever just LET IT GO. Has anyone else experienced this in their relationships with their BPD partner? This idea that your mistakes are cumulative and they Won't Let Things Go. "I still love you, but I feel more detached." This made me feel HORRIBLE when she would text me this.



• I don't love you anymore, but I still care about you (GOD this made me HURT. when she texted me this.

• I'm concerned about you reece.

Here's the point guys. In my case, my uBPDexgf didn't pull a disappearing act. There was a "fulcrum" night "Basically I told her, I'm tired of kissing your ass, go home and don't come back" Then for the next 3 hours she devalued me as a human being over and over again over text message, worst night of my life. (January 9th, 2015, more info here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0)

Rather, My ex went through excruciatingly gradual phases of "painting me black" from

  "I love you"

   "I don't love you, but I care about you"

  "I'm concerned about you"

   "She just wants you to leave her the hell alone (said through a campus police officer) (she accused me of stalking/harassment)

And she ALWAYS had reasons. Mentioned above, always critical of my behavior, always "cumulative" Gaslighting?

• She got worse and worse as I started calling her out on her passive aggression, her manipulation, controlling, I called her actions "evil"

I think part of it DOES have to do with this notion of "they get worse when you start calling them out"

Questions for responders

1.Point being, is 'painting black' always an instant thing? Or like in my case, can it be excruciatingly gradual?

2. I've never been in a relationship with a normal girl. Is this a normal thing "the little things do add up" statement. Not letting things go, no matter how much someone apologizes.



3. Do you guys find that once you start calling them out for being manipulative, controlling, that it makes things much worse?



With Love,  



Reece

[Blimblam]

Personally I don't like to think of it in terms of being painted black.  It is more of the process of splitting which is the defence mechenism of projective identification and in a pwBPDs case mixed with push pull behaviors because of the fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment.

[Deeno02]

Yep, black, white, split, not split, no one cares. Fact of the matter is she devalued me gradually, splitting, painted black, whatever. Results are the same. I was gradually pushed to the side and eventually, over the edge. Blim's right though. Thats how they roll.

[Alberto]

1.- Being painted black is simply the moment she stops seeing you as a good object, can be gradual or not. In my experience there's no coming back, they completely shut down for various reasons.

2.- Not letting things go is just typical of them, for the very same thought process they cling to you to unreasonable lenghts, they completely eliminate you from their life. It's just the way it is with this disorder.

3.- They seem to be obssessed with being seen as perfect, if someone discovers what's under the skin they go into very painful self loathing, so the moment someone calls them on their bullsh**, they dysregulate and destroy everything on their path.

[rg1976]

Gradual process in my case. She seemed to have a list of every single thing she had her feelings hurt about. Whether it was legit or not. A lot of it was her misunderstanding of reality, but the fact is I got sucked into this and tried even harder to make things better for her.

I got tired of it. So I pulled away, did what I had to cope, but then of course things were my fault. Well, obviously they were my fault, she was in victim mode.

In my case, I know that none of this was malicious on her part, it's just how she's learned to navigate life. It's sad and I wanted to fix it, but she is blind to the fact there are any problems.

It's just the way it is. Don't let this stuff get to you. Did you make mistakes, sometimes bad ones? Yes. You're human. Especially if you didn't know about all of her issues going in, then you probably have done all kinds of crazy stuff trying to make sense and 'work' with her.

Don't let her home it over your head and beat you up, that's just letting her have control over you. I know how extremely hard it is to do thus, but I managed. Trust me, I stayed with mine for 3 years after the relationship was over just to try to be a support and while there were a few good days here and there, it never made any difference or helped her or me for that matter.

It wasn't worth it. The emotional energy I spent was completely unnoticed and unappreciated by her. You have to just make peace with the facts of reality and reboot your emotions and make more healthy choices for you.

It sucks emotionally in the moment, but you will be better off in the long run. I think you know this is true.

Best,

Rg

[Restored2]

Hi Reeser.  You've got some good feedback and advice given to you here.  As rg1976 makes mention of, I think it is important for us to not beat ourselves up over whatever mistakes we have made in our relationships, but rather learn from them.  I know this is not easy to do, as I preach to myself on this too.  Hindsight is 20/20 and most of us, if not all of us, are not experts or really equipped in dealing with BPD people and the challenges that they present to us.

[JRT]

As you know, mine was literally overnight.

[dobie]

Mine took years ... .In and out of doubts / lack of trust / anxious worries resentment blame , anger , cunning use of me till she could replace her source ... .

Bdp is nothing if not a disorder of lack of introspection and projection .

[Reecer1588]

Bdp is nothing if not a disorder of lack of introspection and projection

Yeah, I agree with that statement.