The FOG is lifting: I finally see my exGF's Red Flags now

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So I've been in a depression for a few months now (getting treatment for it, including meds), but part of that is that sometimes I can't sleep. I was awake until 10 am today and then finally managed to get some shut eye. Anyway, in the night it seems that I can push my sad thoughts about my u xBPDgf aside a bit more and see things for how they really are.

Three months after the final break up, I had some clear realisations about my ex and the relationship we were in for 4,5 years.

1. She often triangulated / dropped people for other people

I was so blind about this because every time she came back to me (we've split up 10 times in 4,5 years) I was so happy that she chose me again, and it felt like it was 'meant to be'.

It started before our relationship, for heaven's sake! She had a boyfriend when I met her. I clearly showed (tempered) interest so that she knew I liked her, but never did anything with it. Then, when she still had this boyfriend, she once made an excuse to come over my place to borrow a dvd. We chatted for 4 hours straight. Another time, when she was still with the boyfriend, she came over to my birthday party with a girlfriend, without her boyfriend. She was clearly there just for me. One time, before going out, she texted me 'Sight... .guys... .do you understand them?' Clearly letting me know that she wasn't happy with her current boyfriend. I just was estatic that she would share her problems with me.

And then, when she was sure enough that she could seal the deal with me, she dumped her boyfriend. She even told me a few hours before she would do it: 'I'm going to dump him tonight.' After she dumped him, she immediately called me to tell her how happy she was, how he was crying and how she just walked away. Two days after, she came to my house and we got in a relationship. Now tell me, is that normal, respectful behaviour? No, but I fell for it.

Then, after our various break ups, she would have another guy lined up. Crazy thing is, I always knew beforehand what guy it would be. It would be a guy she would be talking to every now and then when we were going out and still being together. I could just see how happy she was talking with that person. Once we broke off, sure enough, she would end up hanging with that guy. I'm talking about multiple break ups and multiple guys here.

And then, after a month or so after the break up, she would start to miss me, and try to get me back, and once she knew I would come back, she would tell the guy that she wasn't interested anymore. Tell them some excuse why they weren't compatible. And she would be back with me, no problem. The most insane part of all this is that it was all right under my nose, I saw it happen, and it didn't feel that wrong to me. I was just estatic that we would come back together.


I will continue posting in this topic today, writing out the various other red flags as they come to me. Its like I can finally see more clearly. I still feel hurt, of course, and a part of me still misses her, but I think I'm making some progress in finally accepting that yes, I was dealing with a sick individual, and no, she wasn't healthy for me. Thanks for reading!

[CloseToFreedom]

So I've been in a depression for a few months now (getting treatment for it, including meds), but part of that is that sometimes I can't sleep. I was awake until 10 am today and then finally managed to get some shut eye. Anyway, in the night it seems that I can push my sad thoughts about my u xBPDgf aside a bit more and see things for how they really are.

Three months after the final break up, I had some clear realisations about my ex and the relationship we were in for 4,5 years.

1. She often triangulated / dropped people for other people

I was so blind about this because every time she came back to me (we've split up 10 times in 4,5 years) I was so happy that she chose me again, and it felt like it was 'meant to be'.

It started before our relationship, for heaven's sake! She had a boyfriend when I met her. I clearly showed (tempered) interest so that she knew I liked her, but never did anything with it. Then, when she still had this boyfriend, she once made an excuse to come over my place to borrow a dvd. We chatted for 4 hours straight. Another time, when she was still with the boyfriend, she came over to my birthday party with a girlfriend, without her boyfriend. She was clearly there just for me. One time, before going out, she texted me 'Sight... .guys... .do you understand them?' Clearly letting me know that she wasn't happy with her current boyfriend. I just was estatic that she would share her problems with me.

And then, when she was sure enough that she could seal the deal with me, she dumped her boyfriend. She even told me a few hours before she would do it: 'I'm going to dump him tonight.' After she dumped him, she immediately called me to tell her how happy she was, how he was crying and how she just walked away. Two days after, she came to my house and we got in a relationship. Now tell me, is that normal, respectful behaviour? No, but I fell for it.

Then, after our various break ups, she would have another guy lined up. Crazy thing is, I always knew beforehand what guy it would be. It would be a guy she would be talking to every now and then when we were going out and still being together. I could just see how happy she was talking with that person. Once we broke off, sure enough, she would end up hanging with that guy. I'm talking about multiple break ups and multiple guys here.

And then, after a month or so after the break up, she would start to miss me, and try to get me back, and once she knew I would come back, she would tell the guy that she wasn't interested anymore. Tell them some excuse why they weren't compatible. And she would be back with me, no problem. The most insane part of all this is that it was all right under my nose, I saw it happen, and it didn't feel that wrong to me. I was just estatic that we would come back together.


I will continue posting in this topic today, writing out the various other red flags as they come to me. Its like I can finally see more clearly. I still feel hurt, of course, and a part of me still misses her, but I think I'm making some progress in finally accepting that yes, I was dealing with a sick individual, and no, she wasn't healthy for me. Thanks for reading!

[CloseToFreedom]

Before I take a break from the computer screen, I want to write out a second point.

2. She showed her true colors in the first week

In the first week of our relationship, she showed some massive red flags that I sensed were wrong for me, but I chose to accept them anyway because I was glad she was so into me.

First red flag was the first night we were together. She would go into pretty heavy detail about how unhappy she was with her parents (she was still living with them back then). Her father left her when she was still a child, moving to the other side of the world to start a new family there. She complained and complained about the new friend of her mother, that was living with them. A guy, I came to realise much later on, that was a pretty nice chap, although a total doormat for her mother to use.

Second red flag was the intesity of that first week: i had a week off from work, and she had summer vacation from her school, and she wanted to spend every day with me. I had been single for a year and the intensity was just so overwelming, it drained me of all my energy. After five days I mentioned that the next day, i would like a day for myself, and it would totally freak her out. She would first start yelling, then crying, and I had to comfort her. She was so insecure about being abandoned. I should have set my boundaries right then and there, but I didn't.

[FlSunshineGirl]

Thank you for sharing CloseToFreedom. This part that you wrote... .

"Then, after our various break ups, she would have another guy lined up. Crazy thing is, I always knew beforehand what guy it would be. It would be a guy she would be talking to every now and then when we were going out and still being together. I could just see how happy she was talking with that person. Once we broke off, sure enough, she would end up hanging with that guy. I'm talking about multiple break ups and multiple guys here.

And then, after a month or so after the break up, she would start to miss me, and try to get me back, and once she knew I would come back, she would tell the guy that she wasn't interested anymore. Tell them some excuse why they weren't compatible. And she would be back with me, no problem. The most insane part of all this is that it was all right under my nose, I saw it happen, and it didn't feel that wrong to me. I was just estatic that we would come back together."

Is what I've been going through too.

Seems we both have poor boundaries and need some boosting of our self esteem.

I took mine back over and over. Even after he lined up the first girl before we were "off again" and found out he quickly got physical with her without missing a beat from me.

Now he's got another new replacement and it's been almost two months since we've spoken and now he's missing me again.

But I haven't broken my NC with him.

Going to see my therapist this week to work out my own issues.

[Tim300]

Her father left her when she was still a child, moving to the other side of the world to start a new family there. She complained and complained about the new friend of her mother, that was living with them. A guy, I came to realise much later on, that was a pretty nice chap, although a total doormat for her mother to use.

Any chance the mother has BPD and this is why the biological father took off and why the next relationship was also apparently toxic? 

[tjay933]

I'm really glad to hear the FOG is lifting. that is a great step/place to be in.   

keep up the writing, it helps all of us as well to see clearer too.

[CloseToFreedom]

Thank you for sharing CloseToFreedom. This part that you wrote... .

"Then, after our various break ups, she would have another guy lined up. Crazy thing is, I always knew beforehand what guy it would be. It would be a guy she would be talking to every now and then when we were going out and still being together. I could just see how happy she was talking with that person. Once we broke off, sure enough, she would end up hanging with that guy. I'm talking about multiple break ups and multiple guys here.

And then, after a month or so after the break up, she would start to miss me, and try to get me back, and once she knew I would come back, she would tell the guy that she wasn't interested anymore. Tell them some excuse why they weren't compatible. And she would be back with me, no problem. The most insane part of all this is that it was all right under my nose, I saw it happen, and it didn't feel that wrong to me. I was just estatic that we would come back together."

Is what I've been going through too.

Seems we both have poor boundaries and need some boosting of our self esteem.

I took mine back over and over. Even after he lined up the first girl before we were "off again" and found out he quickly got physical with her without missing a beat from me.

Now he's got another new replacement and it's been almost two months since we've spoken and now he's missing me again.

But I haven't broken my NC with him.

Going to see my therapist this week to work out my own issues.

Yes, every time I thought it was 'meant to be' that she came back to me. And i would quickly forget that she was with someone else in the month or so that we seperated. Things never got physical with those other guys though, or so she said.

Once she seemed hellbent on getting back with me, it was like there were these flimsical reasons for her to drop the other guy. One guy, the problem with him was that he liked videogames too much, there were all sorts of games and action figures in his house. But this didn't make sense to me, as I actually WRITE ABOUT VIDEOGAMES FOR A LIVING and I have over a thousand games. So it isn't a problem with me? Other guy, he just didn't want to dance the way she wanted him to. He asked him after going out to go home, he wanted to stay going out. She came running to me and told me 'he didn't care enough about me'. Yes, unlike me, the doormat that did everything you said.

Her father left her when she was still a child, moving to the other side of the world to start a new family there. She complained and complained about the new friend of her mother, that was living with them. A guy, I came to realise much later on, that was a pretty nice chap, although a total doormat for her mother to use.

Any chance the mother has BPD and this is why the biological father took off and why the next relationship was also apparently toxic? 

An excellent question and one that I've asked myself a lot. It's difficult for me to answer, because towards the end of our relationship (in the last year we were living together) I grew more fonder of her mother, because she would often take sides with me during arguments. Made me feel validated and not totally crazy.

But yes, there have been many times when I was over at their house that i felt unconfortable with the behaviour of the mother. Like, she would slam the family of her 'new' man at family diners. Like, her new man just sat there silent while she brought HIS family down. As far as I can tell there was no to low contact between them and his family. Perhaps also done by her? Also, my ex often complained that her mother, when my ex would want to express her feelings to her, the mother would just start talking about her own feelings all the time instead of listening. I saw this in action a few times. I often thought to myself: but that's what YOU (as in my ex) do to ME as well!

And her father, the few times a year he came back to our country, really seemed like a swell guy. Very down to earth, very kind, very interested in what you had to say, just a normal bloke that seemed to have found happiness. Like I could see in his eyes that he escaped something bad and he was living a good life now. Of course, according to my ex and her mother, he was at times probably the worst beind alive. And at times they would only talk about good memories of him. Splitting, I suppose. Black and white thinking, nothing in between.

I'm really glad to hear the FOG is lifting. that is a great step/place to be in.   

keep up the writing, it helps all of us as well to see clearer too.

Thank you. I realised when I posted this earlier today that this topic might sound a bit egocentric, as its mostly me just expressing myself. But that's just what I need today and the upcoming days, so I figured, if it doesn't bother anyone, it also doesn't hurt.

I will post a few more realisation points later on.

[jhkbuzz]

Thank you for sharing CloseToFreedom. This part that you wrote... .

"Then, after our various break ups, she would have another guy lined up. Crazy thing is, I always knew beforehand what guy it would be. It would be a guy she would be talking to every now and then when we were going out and still being together. I could just see how happy she was talking with that person. Once we broke off, sure enough, she would end up hanging with that guy. I'm talking about multiple break ups and multiple guys here.

And then, after a month or so after the break up, she would start to miss me, and try to get me back, and once she knew I would come back, she would tell the guy that she wasn't interested anymore. Tell them some excuse why they weren't compatible. And she would be back with me, no problem. The most insane part of all this is that it was all right under my nose, I saw it happen, and it didn't feel that wrong to me. I was just estatic that we would come back together."

Is what I've been going through too.

Seems we both have poor boundaries and need some boosting of our self esteem.

I took mine back over and over. Even after he lined up the first girl before we were "off again" and found out he quickly got physical with her without missing a beat from me.

Now he's got another new replacement and it's been almost two months since we've spoken and now he's missing me again.

But I haven't broken my NC with him.

Going to see my therapist this week to work out my own issues.

I'm glad to see you're both beginning to shift the the focus from the ex's to YOU!