My dBPDw has begun a ramp up after semi-normalness since December.

[AlwaysFrustrated]

So recently my diagnosed wife has begun to do a bit of a ramp up after an amazing run of semi-normalness since December!  The longest run I can ever remember.

Starting on a Saturday I could see the pattern building up.  Blaming people for everything, yelling more, disconnected complaints. Finally that sunday night she was yelling at me about not warming up the car before I use it. I am trying to remember the techniques I have been taught by the therapist.  I just stay calm, acknowledge what she is saying and let her talk.

My wife goes from, "I am not in love with you anymore", "You blame my drinking for everything", "You hate me!", "I love you but I don't like you", "I know you are trying but I want us to be a team", "I love you because I know I am a bad wife", "I know you could do better I am trying".

Then no more rage and just crying.  I give her a good hug while she sobs for a fe minutes.  Then everything is fine? Hey I will take it. This is the first time we went through a complete cycle in a two hour period.   This past week everything has been fine.  I did schedule a therapy session for this Saturday.  Just for a bit of maintenance.

I was left with my head spinning but I am glad I was able to keep my cool the whole time so it could play out in it's entirety.

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[ColdEthyl]

I have had those moments, too. I posted it here when it first happened because it threw me off!  She's just venting... .feeling bad and not sure why. I'm glad you were able to weather the storm

[AlwaysFrustrated]

Thanks ColdEthyl.  I almost lost it when she was hitting me with the, "You are a liar" stuff.  When she asked me if I had anything to say about all of this and the things I had done wrong all I said was, "I will keep working on all of it, I can see why you are upset. Please just refrain from calling me a liar". At which point she said she didn't then realized she did. Got more pissed at me for using my "Mind Games".  I just stayed silent and that seemed to be the Apex as she started switching out of the rage mode. 

The whole time I was staying cool with a soft look on my face, she is very sensitive to the look on my face. Man it was difficult.  My chest actually hurt from me trying to control my self.

[maxsterling]

"Been there, done that."

Seriously.  This is typical of what I deal with on a regular basis.  I can sense things spinning out of control.  I know it has nothing to do with me.  She then falls apart, I listen to the rage, the blaming of me for things that obviously I have nothing to do with, the complete panic attack, the self loathing, and finally the apology/remorse all within a few hours.  My chest pounds, too, and the aftermath is I feel exhausted for days afterwards.   

I have learned this, though.  If I stay and validate and listen (listen to the abuse and blame and insults), things turn around for her in a few hours.  If I react in any way (JADE) or try to enforce a boundary by leaving the room, things escalate, and it takes her days to wind down.

So it feel s like my choices are this:  Be present while she goes through the cycle, and I feel down and hurt for a few days.  Or I leave, and I don't feel as bad, but she is down and mad at me for a few days.  Not sure which is better. Sometimes I like it when she is mad at me for a few days because she withdraws herself and I get some needed space.  But sometimes I then live in anxiety of when she will snap at me again.  That means sometimes it is better to just let her run her course, me daydream, and then heal myself afterwards. 

Dealing with a BPD spouse is almost impossible.