Why does this part of the board scare me?

[GrowThroughIt]

Hi All,

I find myself being afraid of this section of the board... .I am happy to click into the sectiom about "detaching from the wounds [L3]" but I feel a certain sense of sadness/depression when entering this section.

I can only put this down to a few things;

1) The thought of looking inwards scares me (because it means not everything was her fault and I must take responsibility perhaps?) and I would have to deal with reopened childhood wounds bought into the forefront by this r/s.

2) By dwelling on the negative aspects of my r/s (which is kind of what goes on in [L3]) I still remain attached to my ex... .which brings me on to point 3... .

3) I must still like/love her. Hence why I keep picking over the bones. Maybe I just don't want to let go?

4) I still care about her as I see some of myself (the feeling of being alone, battling your demons etc) within her.

5) I want to save her (I shouldn't as she is a grown up snd needs to come to these realisations herself!)

Why should I be afraid to let go? I should be more than happy to let go! Near the end of the r/s she was one of the most narcissistic, childish, and sadistic people I ever had the misfortune of meeting!

I guess I am staying stuck because she reopened my childhood wounds after putting a plaster over them and then ripping it off and sticking her finger in those wounds. I guess it's because I felt like she abandoned me (despite being the only person to know me so well, or at least I thought!). But I also feel guilty because she contacted me (after we both agreed to go NC) and I essentially told her that after that conversation we became nothing to each other, so she should refrain from filling me in on her life, as it is her life and nothing to do with me. To be fair, I feel I was well within my rights to do that as she had used me and tried to make me hang around whilst she tries to make another go of things with her exNPDbf. It's shame she'll never see that it were her actions which led me to do what I did (I guess she finds it easier to play the victim!)

Argh! This all hurts me head!

If anyone could shed some light on this I would be soo grateful! I feel like I'm at a crossroad now... .It is essentially make or break for me now... .

[tjay933]

thanks for sharing. it takes time for each of us to walk the road of recover. some run, some walk, some skip. we all take it at a different speed because we are all individuals and as such need individual paces. there is no right or wrong time frame to walk it-it's all the right pace. it's great that you are able to open up so much about what clearly is very sensitive to you. I've found that sometimes I just need some time for things to "sink in". maybe it's my thick skull or something but suddenly, it's like a bulb turns on and I get it-but that's my pace. we all have some of the same and some different things to work on along the way and it's really just one step at a time with cement shoes at first. the more you walk, the lighter the shoes get until you feel you are flying.

do something good for yourself. treat yourself to something special today even if it is as simple as a chocolate bar or a sundae. you deserve it. 

[GrowThroughIt]

thanks for sharing. it takes time for each of us to walk the road of recover. some run, some walk, some skip. we all take it at a different speed because we are all individuals and as such need individual paces. there is no right or wrong time frame to walk it-it's all the right pace. it's great that you are able to open up so much about what clearly is very sensitive to you. I've found that sometimes I just need some time for things to "sink in". maybe it's my thick skull or something but suddenly, it's like a bulb turns on and I get it-but that's my pace. we all have some of the same and some different things to work on along the way and it's really just one step at a time with cement shoes at first. the more you walk, the lighter the shoes get until you feel you are flying.

do something good for yourself. treat yourself to something special today even if it is as simple as a chocolate bar or a sundae. you deserve it. 

Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it. I understand what you mean. We all go at a different pace. I guess I just want to ensure that I am at least moving forward. And if I feel I am not, I want to know exactly why not. Also and more importantly, I want to drill it into my head, I want to move on not just from my "r/s" but more importantly from those childhood truamas that made me stay in such a toxic environment. Moving on doesn't just mean not being fazed by the thought of the "r/s" but it also means dealing with any issues that I may have as a result and the issues that led me there! I hope I make it there sooner rather than later! I just need to allow the bad days to wash over me and take them as they come without panicking too much I guess!

A bar of chocolate? I'll be honest, I help myself to one of those regardless of whether or not I deserve it!

Once again thanks for the reply!

[tjay933]

keep in mind that sometimes the path takes us in circles. this may feel like we are having a set-back but it is not. if we keep learning, we keep moving.

have an extra chocolate bar today then or two or something else that you consider a treat-or go to a movie or play a game that you really like.

 

[GrowThroughIt]

keep in mind that sometimes the path takes us in circles. this may feel like we are having a set-back but it is not. if we keep learning, we keep moving.

have an extra chocolate bar today then or two or something else that you consider a treat-or go to a movie or play a game that you really like.

 

You're so right! I never saw it like that. It is one really big circle at times!

[tjay933]

there you go learning again! and an inch/foot/mile closer to your goal! 

[Grey Kitty]

The thought of looking inwards scares me (because it means not everything was her fault and I must take responsibility perhaps?) and I would have to deal with reopened childhood wounds bought into the forefront by this r/s.

Being honest with yourself about this part is a great step. I don't know if this will help, but I'll offer you some perspective on where this could take you.

It is going to be very hard work. You are likely to be feeling more pain and discomfort than you ever allowed yourself to experience before.   So you have reason to be scared.

Whups, that wasn't very encouraging.   

Here's why it is WORTH the effort. As you come to peace and understanding after you go through the hard part, you will be leaving your fetters behind. You will be able to go forward into all your relationships: romantic ones, friends, coworkers, family, without this monkey on your back, without the stuff that messed them all up.

As you examine what got you there... .what hooked you... .where the void in you that you were trying to fill with somebody else was... .you will find your path to freedom from it.

I speak as somebody who has been processing the end of my marriage in a very strange fashion for five months now and finally got her belongings out and our joint belongings in our formerly joint home resolved this week. I've been through an incredible journey so far, and most of it has been about myself and things that predated a marriage of a couple decades plus.

Do you have an individual therapist for yourself? That can be a huge help. (I don't frequent the Leaving board, so I don't know your history.)

[Lucky Jim]

Hey GrowThroughIt,  I'm going to add my two cents in the order you listed:

1.  The journey inward is actually one of self-discovery, which leads to more freedom and authenticity;

2.  This board is about you, in my view, and has nothing to do with "dwelling on the negative aspects" to your former r/s;

3.  You probably do still have feelings for her, which is normal;

4.  Caring about someone doesn't mean that you can solve her problems for her;

5.  Most of us Nons are caretakers, to some extent, otherwise we wouldn't have gotten into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  The question is, why do you have the need to save?  Only you can figure that out.

Healing childhood wounds is painful, no doubt, but also allows us to let go of past traumas, which lightens the load as we go forward.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim